Confession time...
I still have feelings for Ben.
I am not just confessing this to tumblr but to myself..
I did not want to believe it, and pushed them away for so long, told myself we could just be friends, that it meant nothing anymore. But that is all a big lie.
He is the man I saw myself marrying. After the first date I knew I could love him. We talked with such ease, he felt like home, and he fit perfectly into my little life.
I still feel that way. An entire year later through little conversations here and there and snapchats through out the days I still somehow feel so close to him and connected to him.
He hurt me so badly. I shouldn't trust him or feel the way I do but I just do. He left me for Georgia but I don't hold it against him. Sure, I wish he made a different choice or would realize the mistake he made but I forgive him.
He will always be in my heart and it's driving me insane.
Everytime we talk I want to tell him everything and I want him to tell me he feels it too. I want to know that he still thinks about me and that he still wants that life.
I would confess it all to him right now but he's so damn stubborn that I guarantee he would ignore it or try to turn what I say into something much less meaningful. Just deny it himself like I did for a year.. but I wish he would just acknowledge it if anything. Just acknowledge that it happened and that it was amazing and that it could happen in the future.
I don't want to give up on his dreams and come back for me but I just want a little recognition. I don't need him to make promises to visit, or calls everyday.. I just want his heart. Even if we couldn't be together physically we could still share something great.
He was so passionate about living and loving that I can't imagine anyone else having that same fervency for life!
I'm crazy for thinking it, but somehow I'm still hopeful that one day we will actually end up together.. I just don't see myself with anyone else.