#scripture journal excerpt

[strugglingwithfaith]

6/3/2020

I’m almost done with my mission application. All that’s left are my appointments and the final interview. The final interview, where I’ll have to testify of a God who is not answering my prayers. I just feel... empty. And so, so tired. Physicall and emotionally, but especially spiritually.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m not even sure I know who I am anymore. 

Maybe a mission is the answer but maybe it’s not.

How am I supposed to figure it all out when God isn’t talking to me???????

Every FUCKING thing we read is like, “oh just turn to Christ, be faithful, you’ll have peace in your trial! <3″

Yeah, okay, sure, 

where is He?

There have been so many nights (most of them are recorded in this journal) where I have spent close to an hour literally crying unto God, just looking to see if He’s there. and after all this, every spiritual experience from my past just feels fake. Like I was deluding myself. Caught up in the peer pressure of girls camp and trek.

It’s so hard not to be frustrated and angry and bitter. I want to keep trying. But I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.

[strugglingwithfaith]

4/10/2020

What am I supposed to say? All I want is to feel the love my Heavenly Parents have for me. And I just don’t. I pray sincerely to Them. I’m trying. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing or thinking or feeling.

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/16/2020

“Try, Try, Try,” by Henry B Eyring

We must be willing to take upon ourselves the name of Christ.

Christ knows what I’m going through. All I have to do is try.

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/15/2020

I’ll be home in 4 days. It’s sad but I feel good about it. In fact, this is probably the best I’ve felt in awhile.

[...]

I’m really looking forward to Gen Conf in a few weeks. I’ll get to be with my family again. We’ll get to hear the prophet speak to us in a time when we clearly need some Divine Guidance. It’ll be different, but I think it will still be good.

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/12/2020

Everything sucks right now. I’m going home early and I still haven’t figured out what to tell Lincoln and it feels like everything’s falling apart. But I thought “what do I do when my life is crashing down around me?” and then went “oh, read the scriptures, duh.”

I didn’t read last night, which is 1000% my fault, but I’m glad I am today.

The three Nephites are so cool. I really wish Christ would just come back already.

I finished 3rd Nephi. I really loved being able to see how Christ interacted with the people as well as what He said. It’s very obvious that He loved them.

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/10/2020

3 Nephi 22:7 “For a small moment have I forsaken thee, but with great mercies will I gather thee.”

I’ve felt a little forsaken lately. It hasn’t been easy to go through all this and not feel like God has my back. But I have faith that I will be gathered up with mercy.

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/9/2020

I just had this feeling that Jesus is on my side. In [3 Nephi] 19 He prays to the Father for the Nephites, and I feel that somehow He’s doing that for me, too.

[strugglingwithfaith]

3/5/2020

I’m kind of having a breakdown rn so tbh I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to read, or what I’ll really get from this. But I’m hoping it’ll help.

I reread my Patriarchal Blessing. It didn’t necessarily make me feel Better, but it was nice to go through again. 

I am just so tired of feeling this way. It’s not that I’m doubting God or His Plan, it’s more that I just really need some guidance right now.

Praying again, this time to Heavenly Mother, helped I think. I’m not sobbing anymore at least.

I know a lot of my entries look like I don’t actually study the scriptures, but I do always read at least one chapter a night. I usually try to take some notes, too, but tonight’s just a unique circumstance I guess. [...] I promise I’m doing my best to feast. I’m just going through a lot right now which makes it kind of difficult.