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Classic man 🚗 . . . #class #classic #classicman #holden #searchingforsomewhere #universalstudios #universalstudiosingapore #singapore #exploresingapore #travel #travelphotography (at Universal Studios Singapore) https://www.instagram.com/p/BwQOD19n8oA/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=mvsxcg81vag7
Commitment Fulfillment
Man, I am really bad at this. Really, really bad at this. I told myself I would be able to keep writing down my thoughts regularly but it turns out I lack both the drive and incentive to do so. Why bother writing down what I think only to watch the words repeat, and repeat, and repeat, and repeat... until I’ve had enough of what I wanted to say.
Commitments, like this one, come in many shapes and sizes, intensities and values. Some are small, some are larger, some mean more, and others are trivial. Thankfully I can say I’ve been able to stick with two thus far that mean something to me:
1. Commitment to my mind and body (... down, up, and down, up, feel the burn)
2. Commitment to people that matter (distance is a pain, but so is loneliness, that kind of of sounds like a Freudian slip, is it one?)
There isn’t a whole lot to be said right now, to be perfectly honest. Life is on track, things are going well, and the future looks bright. Five (5!) more days until things get even more brighter, with the personification of my joy arriving here in the land of the rising sun. Until then, I soothe the tides of frustration and excitement, hope and compromise with star-crossed literature and virtual realities.
“えいごをはなせますか?”
I realize it’s been an absurdly long time since I last posted, and seeing as I have nothing better to do right now, I might as well kill some time by jotting down some of my thoughts.
It’s been a bit over half a year since I moved in order to study in a university abroad - 3 more years to go until graduation. So far things are going swimmingly; I take classes I enjoy, I’ve made lots of new friends (some of which I don’t really care for to be honest, but that’s life), and I’ve become more or less acquainted with the city I now I live, and will live in, for the next couple of years. What I’ve found to be rather funny is the fact that the drama you left back in high school still seems to find it’s way back to you, at university. I may be a silent observer, but I’ve heard my fair share of stories involving shady, ex-fucking friends (in the literal sense), “overly-friendly“ lesbian one night stands in dorm rooms, and questionable sempai-kohai developments. Ultimately, university is damn interesting. Keep it coming. More please. Feed me.
On a lighter note, seeing how my yearly schedule is riddled with holidays, I decided to spend three weeks back home and by the grace of God science had the pleasure of meeting someone... absolutely wonderful. There are no words to describe this person. There are not ENOUGH words to describe this person. Who knew just waking up next to the face you want to see every morning could so easily have your mind at peace. Long story short, I have once again ventured into the grey domain of long-distance relationships. (Track record: not so great. Prospect: hopeful).
Things will work out for the best.
Surprise Assault
Not exactly where to begin given that it's been about three months since I last updated and I really can't be fucked bothered right now to make any real effort. Regardless, here I am attempting to keep the promise I made to myself to keep updating (and slowly falling behind).
First off the bat, I got rejected from the university degree program I really wanted to get into. Yeah, it was a bummer and I spent the day moping in room while stuffing my face and watching foreign movies. Surprisingly enough, I'm pretty much over it now - I tried my best, sadly it wasn't enough. Despite this upset I'll definitely try again next year. On the bright side, I'm still waiting on two other exam results, English and Spanish, and from the looks of it, I'll probably be getting into English. It's not my ideal choice, but it'll do as a placeholder for a year until I get into Speech-Language Pathology.
Continuing on with the negative news, my grandfather is in the process of dying (and he's driving everybody batshit crazy - no joke). What used to be a calm, high-spirited old man is now, based on his behaviour, a borderline bipolar basketcase. He has my grandmother, aunt, and uncle all yelling at each other - my grandma has even resorted to beating people with a broomstick. When he isn't being driven back and forth to the hospital for whatever reason (check up, declining health, etc.), he's stashing medicine and trying to force a bowel movement. On top of it all he refuses to go to a home or any sort of establishment aimed at housing and taking care of the elderly unless it is referred to as a rehabilitation center for veterans. Furthermore, on the off chance that he agrees to go check it out, he'll end up changing his mind a good five times afterwards, and this is just about the home for the elderly; trying to get him to even go to a hospital for a medical examination is a chore in itself. Guess it doesn't help that they live in a small village in the middle of the forest, half an hour away from the next "major" city.
My family and my private life aside, I was rather dismayed to find out that too much positivity can simply piss somebody off to the point they want you to die (figuratively, of course. I hope.) Basically, I've been helping a friend out, providing them with emotional, social, and sometimes even financial support while they get back on their feet. You can probably guess how surprised I was when after reading and replying to what I thought was a positive status update on Facebook I get something along the lines of: "Stop being so fucking positive. You're smothering me. Give me room to breathe. Don't make this same mistake again or I'll delete you and never talk to you again." Okay. What? Where did this come from? I've spent quite some time thinking about this and I can hence honestly admit that yes, too much positivity when you're stuck in a rut can start to get on your nerves - I can accept that. What I can not accept is the way this point was made. When I am there cheering you on, keeping you positive and reminding you that things will work out in the end, in addition to assisting you financially - excuse my bluntness - don't you DARE throw that back in my face like that and threaten to cut me out of your life. You may be stressed, we all get overwhelmed at times, but that is inexcuseable. I'll look past it this time, but don't mistake my kindness for charity.
Wheels in Motion
A month has passed since I moved back here home and things are finally starting to look up. I've been a bit frustrated the last couple of weeks due to not having any form of structure in my life; no job, no university, no hobbies, but now the pieces are slowly starting to fall into place.
Naturally I shouldn't have been surprised when jobs weren't just falling into my lap - after all, it's a pretty lengthy process of rooting through different websites for job offers, answering questions, sending in my CV, and going to interviews - but I still wasn't pleased with the lack of life I was having.
Thankfully, I now have a job interview (in sixteen days) for a position I am just dying to get and I am more than 100% sure that it is going to be mine; without a doubt, it is going to be mine. Additionally, I am now also able to apply for university! Oh, happy days! A friend of mine mistakenly informed me that I would be able to apply for somewhere between five to nine different career paths/options/study places or whatever you want to call them - turns out you're only allowed to apply for three (I had ten options listed down on a post-it). Luckily enough I've managed to reduce my options to a whopping five. That may not sound like much, but I have it figured out; one choice is already set, so the other two are just a matter of choosing between the two different options I have there - bear in mind each of my three final choices will fall into a different faculty, hence I have made this nifty little diagram: ( 1. a | 2. n or m | 3. x or y).
With all that figured out, all that is left now is to wait for the one person I care about the most to make it out of that dark tunnel we both found ourselves in. I had intended on going back and guiding him out of the darkess, but I was told that would not be necessary. He needs to find his own way out, regardless of how many times he might stumble and fall, get lost and give up, and try, and try again.
What makes this a bit more complicated is the fact I have been giving full reign to continue with my life. Continue? Move on? The idea itself sounds ridiculous, proposterous, impossible! Yet it is in this impossibility that I have found myself spending time with someone else. Is it love? No. Could it be love? Doubt it. Is it accepted more by the one I am waiting for than by me? Yes. Regardless of the turmoil I feel, I need not worry - I have made it very clear that I will be there in the darkness with him, even if just in spirit, guiding his steps until the end and then finally, things will be just as they should be.
Back to the Beginning
So here I am, back where I belong.
After spending an amazing yet complicated sixteen months in South America, I have finally returned to my home here in Northern Europe (as of ten days ago). I'm not exactly quite sure how I feel about the change of scenery, not to mention lifestyle, but I do know one thing - it was for the best.
Before I start with how things are going here, I feel it's important to talk about what was going on back there. While I was having a great time overall, there were numerous episodes that made me question my decision to move so far away from everything I knew and trusted.
One of my biggest issues was a person I knew - pure and simple, he was a problem. He was, IS, a homophobe and his presence was absolutely toxic. There were so many times when his snide remarks about gay waiters or gay couples holding hands would bring me to the point of lashing out at him, and I did a couple times, but I generally held my tongue and greeted his ashen opinions with a smile. Why did I do that you might ask? Well, I did that because I felt his small-minded thoughts weren't enough of a reason to risk my stay in S.America (I almost was when he found out about me). Afterall, we interacted a lot throughout our days; he was my roommate, so to speak...
It's also quite funny how much betrayal and anger he could so easily hide behind his façade of smiles, greeting kisses, and generous tips - now I know from who I so graciously inherited the art of lying and keeping up appearances from. Other than bestowing these gifts upon me, he has completely failed to live up to his duty; I guess the idea of unconditional love is foreign to him. After all, not throwing a fit over someone because the topic of their "gayness" is left out of conversation doesn't really count as tolerance and acceptance now does it.
Another issue I bumped into, or rather, another issue that completely ravaged me, was that of trust. We live in a cruel and deceptive world and there's nothing like coming face-to-face with that fact. In my case, it came to me in the form of an STD. I made the choice to trust someone, and that trust was used against me... and now I have to deal with the consequences. I'm not going to go into any details, but my road to recovery has and will still be a very long and rocky one.
Conversely, and on the bright side, I am now home and ready to organize my life. I am excited to apply to university in the following two months and have spent around four hours a day looking for a job - hopefully I'll get something soon. If things go well, I'll get a job within a month, work another job during the summer, and begin university this upcoming fall. Change is in the air and hopefully what it has in store for me will be something positive and bright.
Cut Off Completely
I was originally planning to pick up on where I left off over a year ago, but I felt what happened yesterday deserved some attention.
As I have been living here in Argentina for the past fourteen months, I've gotten to know the city as well as made friends with both foreigners and locals (more so with foreigners than actual Argentineans). One friend in particular, a Brazilian named Roy*, really struck me as a decent kind of guy. We spent some time hanging out, going out for coffee, watching TV, or just talking in general; we really enjoyed being able to share our different world experiences and learning about each other's varying points of view. All in all, I felt like I made a valuable friend.
This is where things that a turn. No, we were never romantically involved, which is the way it should be considering I have a special someone who has been eagerly waiting for my return for the past five months, which is why I can't help but wonder why things ended up the way they did - I was dumped... as a friend. I'm not exactly sure what it is that I did or did not do, so Roy here has decided to enlighten me a little bit. As he so eloquently stated in his last emails to me, he is not very good with goodbyes, hence he has decided that we cease contact and no longer see each other. Okay. Wait. What?
What just happened here?
For starters, alright, I can accept the fact that he's not very good at goodbyes - that I understand. Goodbyes can be awkward, they can be painful, they can be hard; I'm not going to discredit the guy just because goodbyes make him uncomfortable. To throw me aside just like that after we'd already decided to meet up once or twice before I leave the country for good - now that I don't understand. Frankly, I feel a bit insulted. To so easily throw aside a friendship just like that not only makes me feel underappreciated, but also a little bit worthless. Some might say I shouldn't care, his loss, not mine. In all honesty though, I do feel like I lost something today (yesterday). I have a tendency to dive straight into a friendship and commit to it whole-heartedly, and then to be told that this friendship is unwanted and not worthwhile is a bit... cold, given our history. So yes, it hurt. It hurt more than I expected.
Regardless, I do feel like I learned something today. Without being completely aware of it, I feel like I treat friendships in a way similar to relationships. I invest in them, maybe more than I should at times, and as a result, have high expectations regarding what they should bring me. Meaningful friendships seem like they are easier to sever than meaningful relationships, which is why I should probably stop getting my heartstrings entangled within their confusing, throbbing masses. At the same time though, are not friendships inherently also relationships? By telling me he doesn't want to continue being friends, is Roy telling me he is not interested in any form of relation whatsoever? No chatting face to face, no emails, no postcards, no hellos? Maybe. That could very well be what he means.
In spite of this upset, I will not dwell on this. Oh no sirree. I have grown too much as a person this past year to let this get to me. I will cast aside by pride and accept the choices others make as they come and just roll with the punches. Not everything done is directed at me. Not everything done is done with me in mind. Not everything done is about me. Not everything is about me.
*Name has been changed
Social Lives and Regrets
Damn it.
I had this nagging suspicion that things would go wrong were I to get my social life up and running again. Granted nothing catastrophic happened, but some things were a bit off. Basically, you could say I let myself down.
I go to my lessons, work out, do my assignments, meet with friends - I assumed that was a good enough social life; but no, I just had to go and expand.
Having been out of the social loop since moving to South America, a mate from my Spanish class decided to invite me over for a night out. Alright, it seemed easy enough. Arrived at his place late fashionably late and met his roommates; three seemingly nice guys, no pressure. I was then told that I would be going on a pub crawl with the three roomates and my mate would meet me later - he had a date for the night. Okay, no pressure - I could do this.
I was rather nervous when I arrived at the first pub; everyone seemed to know who I was while I had no idea who these people surrounding me were. You could say I was a bit disappointed that no one in particular took much interest in me; yeah, I was the foreigner, yeah, I was the youngest one there, yeah, I was new. Regardless, I ran into a girl from my country and I decided immediately she would be my fail safe (as manipulative as that sounds).
After moving to the second bar I was a bit worried I wasn't making connections with any of the people there, until this Canadian man by the name of Pat* took a genuine interest in my home country. I started rambling and blabbling on and on, and at one point I though to myself, "Oh shite, I've probably bored him to death now" - but that wasn't the case. I could actually have an intelligent conversation with this man; he wanted to know about my country, my life, and what was in store for me in my future.
I was worried he'd lose interest as soon as we were told we were going to the next bar, but that wasn't the case. We talked all the way there and spent the entire time talking at the next bar. The same thing happened at the next bar, except there I lost him for a little bit. After finding him again, he made a point of telling me that he needed to find me someone closer to my age - he was just way too old. I completely disagreed; age wasn't that big a problem. After all, we had talked for hours!
Next stop: the club. Pat and I went back and forth between the two dancefloors, trying to decide which one had the better music. The dancing was a bit awkward at the start since neither of us knew if we should make a move - at least that's how I saw it - so we took it easy. Eventually after drifting to the back wall Pat happened to graze my chest with his hand, after which he apologized, saying something along the lines of, "Oh, I'm drunk. I need to back off. We need to find you someone of your age." Jesus Christ, that kind of sincerity is a turn on. I told him it was alright and we spent the rest of our time at the club dancing, laughing, smiling, and eventually kissing.
He later invited me to his place and I gladly accepted. We took a cab to his apartment and got into bed. That's it. Nothing raunchy, nothing kinky, nothing spontaneous - no sex. We kissed, and slept. That night was a success, with respect to self-control, and I am looking forward to seeing him again before he leaves the country.
Then comes the not so good aspect of a social life. I was invited to my classmate's friend's birthday party and I gladly went along. People were getting drunk, a few of the people hit on me, but it was all good. No worries there. When we went to the club, that's when I messed up. This small man, Donnie*, started talking to me and I stayed by his side. He clearly said he was drunk, I HEARD him say he was drunk, yet I didn't leave him. Why? Because I was being an idiotic, hormonal bastard. He ended up kissing me and I didn't stop him. The worst part of it all was that some of the people from the party were watching - I didn't like being on display. We then went downstairs where I ended up kissing Donnie infront of the guy I like. Mistake number two. It all just went horribly wrong. I told him I was going home so he walked me to the door, but he didn't let me leave until he had shoved his tongue down my throat one last time.
Now, I'm ill with the flu, and every time I think about kissing Donnie I feel like I'm going to be sick. It was just a kiss they tell me. Well, you know what? It was a kiss that shouldn't have happened. My only salvation is hoping that Donnie will get this goddamn flu so I won't be the only one feeling bad.
*Names have been changed
