𝐊𝐚𝐫𝐣𝐚𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐩𝐢𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐤𝐤𝐚 𝐍𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 | 𝐒. 𝐀𝐡𝐨
Request: @caufieldmakesmesmile “Could I request an angst prompt 10 and angst plot 10 for Sebastian Aho?”
Pairing: Sebastian Aho x Reader
Word Count: 10.1k
Warnings: Angst, descriptions of homesickness, swearing, mild mention of death
➔ Growing up, you watched movies that had always told you that love confessions ended with a kiss and a happy ending. Sebastian Aho has been your best friend for seven years. You thought it was finally time to admit your emotions, and hoped that the feelings were mutual. Except there was only one issue: you had forgotten that those movies were scripted.
A/N: This fic req is extra special because Carrie was the one who gave me an invite on ao3 when I was about to post my first fic on here, so that I wouldn’t have to manually italicize everything into tumblr. I love you very much Carrie, thank you for always being so kind and supportive, I hope you like this. As always, all feedback & comments are welcomed! :)
-
Tonight was the night.
Tonight was the night that you were finally going to tell Sebastian how you felt. You had known the brunette headed Finn for seven years, and that you’ve loved him for six.
You were almost one hundred percent positive that you had fallen in love with him from the first week that you had met him. But it took you about a year to decipher those emotions and create an understanding for them, to the point where you could confidently call it love.
You had first met back in Oulu. At the time, you and Sebastian still lived in Finland, and you were at an Oulun Kärpät game. You were childhood companions with one of his teammates, Jesse Puljujärvi - so you had gone in efforts to cheer on your friend.
After the game had ended with a 3-1 win, Jesse had introduced you and Sebastian to each other. It was an instant connection from the start; with Sebastian still buzzing from the high of the win, and you fully engulfed in intrigue by the brown eyed boy towering over you.
That night, Jesse had invited you to be his plus one at the celebration dinner. You said yes, of course, and at the time you hadn’t known it yet - but the place you decided to sit at the large rectangular table, was going to change your life forever.
Neither you nor Sebastian had realized it, but the two of you had spent the entirety of the dinner talking amongst yourselves. Sebastian was impressed about your extended knowledge of hockey and the team, and you were absolutely fascinated with getting to know one of Jesse's teammates and best friends. Everyone around the table seemed to pick up on the fact that you and Sebastian had instantly hit it off; well, everyone except you and Sebastian.
Eventually though, you realized it too. Or at least thought you had.
Which is what had brought you here.
You and Sebastian both lived in North Carolina now, or more specifically Raleigh. He had moved as soon as he got drafted into the National Hockey League by the Carolina Hurricanes. In the exact same week that Sebastian had gotten picked, you had gotten accepted into North Carolina State University.
The idea of you both being given a life altering opportunity that would involve not only leaving Finland, but also moving to the exact same state in the U.S. felt like nothing other than fate itself. By then, you were practically convinced that it was the Universes’ way of telling you that it was meant to be.
The situation was so coincidental, yet so perfect. The thought of moving to the United States terrified you, no matter how excited you were that you got accepted into NCSU. Finland held all that you had known in your lifetime, and leaving it all behind for school meant leaving all familiarity. It meant leaving home.
Luckily for you, Sebastian had quickly compensated for these frightened emotions. Sebastian never failed to remind you during those extremely difficult months of moving, that you two were in the exact same boat. New to the language, new to the location, new to the people; it was all so overwhelming when it happened at once.
However, as you and Sebastian grew closer, he became rather skilled at picking up and understanding your emotions in areas where other people simply couldn’t. No matter how much you pretended to be okay, Sebastian would always see through your acts, assuring you that it was you two against the world.
You and Sebastian’s dynamic quickly blossomed into something one would call ‘beautiful’. It was like clock work with you two, functioning so perfectly in sync that it felt as though the Gods themselves had handcrafted you for each other.
Years later, the two of you now shared dozens of routines, dozens of traditions, and hundreds of inside jokes.
Sebastian was your person. And you thought you were his.
-
Tonight was Karjalanpiirakka Night, one of the traditions that two of you had together was taking turns going to each other's houses, and making Karjalanpiirakka on the last day of each month. Back in Finland, Karjalanpiirakka was both you and Sebastian's favorite food.
It had all started from one night in particular where you had been feeling particularly homesick, and more than usual. Sebastian had found you sitting in the driver's seat of your car, tears streaming down your cheeks, throat burning, hands shaking. You had no idea how you had gotten there or where you were going to go, all you knew is that you wanted to leave here. You were so sick of North Carolina, despite all of its beauties that you had fallen in love with over the past couple of months - you just wanted, needed, to be home.
If you had known that Sebastian was on his way to your apartment to offer you a surprise visit, maybe you would have stayed in your apartment. Maybe you would have been able to hold it together just long enough until he left. Though you truly doubted that; after all, he could read you like an open book.
You were currently on your way home from campus when you had stopped at a red light, and allowed for the flashback of that night to consume your thoughts:
You hated it here. Every piece of it. You knew that moving to North Carolina was going to be a bad idea. Hell, people even told you that it was.
“Just pick a University in Finland.” they said. Yet you were so young, so stupid, and blinded by the fact that the boy you were in love with was moving away. So when a college located 5 minutes away from where Sebastian would be moving to, accepted you into the school, it sounded like the best idea the world could offer.
But now regret was consuming you from the inside out. Everything was a mess. You missed your family and friends, you missed Jesse. You even missed the little things like the food, or the bakery a few blocks down from your house that sold the best Salmiakki in the world. God, you even missed the air of Finland. The crispness of the atmosphere on a Sunday morning, or the smooth and chilling wind on a Friday night. You missed it all so, so much.
And the tears that were currently burning down your face were more than enough evidence to prove that. You could have sworn that just a few seconds ago you were sitting on your bed, about to start on a new assignment that your professor had assigned today. And now here you were, in the front seat of your car, with no clue where you were going, you just knew that it had to be far away from here.
Your shaky hand turned the key into ignition, missing the key slot a few times from the tears in your eyes that were blurring your vision. You were in absolutely no condition to be driving right now, but there was no one here to stop you… right?
Your breaths were short and erratic, uncontrollable. Just as you were about to release your foot from the brake and drive away to who knows where, a loud knock on your window had startled you enough to pull you away from your thoughts.
It was Sebastian.
Unfortunately for you, Sebastian was able to handle the move much easier than you were, or so it seemed, at least. Of course he missed Finland and all of the people who you both left behind, there was no doubt about it. But he was happier here, happier than you were at least. The large adjustment was difficult for the both of you, however, it seemed as though there was more emphasis on the word ‘you’ than the word ‘both’ in that sentence.
You quickly turned your head to meet face to face with the figure standing to your left, as your eyes latched onto his, you couldn’t help but ignore the immediate worried and panicked expression that made its way onto his face.
“Y/N? What's wrong? Why are you crying?” Sebastian shouted loudly, loud enough so that he made sure you could hear his voice through the thick glass that separated the two of you. Too engulfed into your sobs, you had missed the way his voice had made you feel at home for the few seconds it lingered in the air.
You only cried harder as the tears fell faster, and the burning sensation in your throat only grew. The last thing you wanted was for anyone to see you in this state, especially if it meant that someone would be Sebastian. You turned your head to look forward through the front windshield, refusing to look him in the eyes. You figured that maybe if you looked away long enough, he’d disappear. Though in reality and deep down inside, you knew that would never happen; because it was Sebastain. Your best friend. The love of your life.
“Y/n look at me.” Sebastian pleaded, eyes not moving from your face as his heart broke a little more with every tear that slid quickly down your face.
You only shook your head in response, lips quivering at the entirety of the situation. You had tried so hard to pretend to be okay, especially in front of Sebastian. He had been doing so well here and the last thing you wanted to do was bring down his happiness because you were feeling a little homesick.
However, what started off as a mild homesickness, quickly furrowed into something much worse. After months and months of bottling up your true emotions, you knew that it was only a matter of time before you would eventually reach your breaking point. Except you didn’t know that that breaking point would take place today, or with Sebastian right next to you, watching it all unravel before him.
Little did you know, Sebastian had noticed, he noticed everything. Any day that you felt a little extra home sick, he noticed the way your demeanor would change, he noticed the way you would make less eye contact that usual, he noticed the way your eyes would linger on the sky a little bit longer - because that was the only thing that was the same here as it was in Finland. The sky that everyone shared together.
He noticed it all. Sebastian felt as though it were his duty to be your best friend to do so. He also felt that because he held such an important title, that he would always be the one to make you feel better when he did.
“Y/N.” Sebastian bellowed, this time much louder and firmer than before.
You turned your head slightly, just enough that your eyes met with his once more. Sebastian attempted to open your door, but his attempt was in vain as you had locked it when you first got into the car; and you had no intention of letting him in.
“Y/N, open the door. Please.” Sebastian pleaded, his voice much gentler this time; and you almost missed the way his voice cracked when he muttered the word ‘please’.
Seeing you like this hurt Sebastian. It made him feel guilty, he knew that you were struggling here and tried to confront you about it, but you never allowed for any conversion on the subject matter to last any longer than a minute or two. Now he internally scolded himself for not pushing more, for not demanding that you tell him what he could do to make things better. He wanted his best friend to be okay.
“Please.” He begged one last time, pressing his hand up against the cold glass of the window.
You stared at the gesture for a few moments before mirroring it in return. Now here you were, tears still streaming down your scorching cheeks, an agonizing expression consumed on Sebastian's features, with your hand held up against his - and the only thing separating the two of you was the glass of the window.
You both stayed like this for a while, Sebastian waited patiently in that parking lot, never moving his hand once from the window as he waited until the stream of your tears began to slowly subside, and your breaths to even out.
You closed your eyes and took one long breath. You then moved your hands over to the door and released the handle, granting Sebastian full access to the inside of your car, and you. Before you even got a chance to speak, Sebastian had launched forward, tackling you immediately in a tight and consoling hug.
“I miss home too.” He announced comfortingly, then moved so that you could bury your head into the crook of his neck, like you had done so many times before.
You slowly wrapped your arms around his back, then all at once pulled him down deeper into the hug, melting away into his arms.
“It’s normal to feel sad, Y/N. I just wish you didn’t try to hide when you feel this way. And I know part of it is my fault too. I should have done a better job at checking up on you, and b-”
“No. Don’t say that. It’s not your job to make sure I’m okay 24/7. And I don’t tell you because I just don’t want to be a burden.” You admitted, feeling the sensation of tears began to fill your eyes once more.
“Stop it, Y/N. Don’t ever call yourself that ever again. You could never be a burden, ever. And I mean it. You're my best friend and I’m here for you, no matter what. When you're not okay, I want to know because I want to help you to be.” Sebastian chastised, gripping your waist tighter as he pulled you impossibly deeper into the embrace.
If only Sebastian had known how his words filled your heart with warmth, while simultaneously breaking it into little pieces at the words of ‘best friend’. You loved being Sebastian’s best friend and you loved that he was yours; except you wanted something more, and hoped that he did too.
Later that night, after Sebastian had finally drawn you out of your car and back into your apartment, you offered him to stay the night to which he gladly accepted. Sebastian spending the night was not a rare occurrence, however this time Sebastian had intentions to make you feel much better before the end of the night.
Sebastian had been in your kitchen for almost an hour, but you had been so engulfed in the movie he turned on, that you hadn’t even noticed how long the brunette headed boy had been away.
Not until the most savory and perfect smell of home had begun to consume your senses. You immediately stood up from your place on the couch, and went to the kitchen to investigate the nostalgic smell even further.
“Sebastian?” You puzzled, confused at what his figure was doing standing at the stove, back facing towards you.
“What are you…” Your voice drifted off as you abandoned your sentence, realization slowly setting in. “Is that what I think it is? Is that-”
“Karjalanpiirakka? Yeah.” Sebastian interrupted, as he revealed with utter nonchalance, attempting to hide his growing smirk from your vision.
“What? How did you even…? Why-”
“Here. Taste.” Sebastian ordered as he interrupted once again , holding a piece of the golden brown bread out to your lips. You took the piece straight from his hand - and in that exact moment, you had swore that if Finland had a taste, it would be that.
Before you even got the chance to finish chewing and question what possessed the boy standing in front of you to make the delicious food that you had missed so much, he had beaten you to it.
“Just wanted to give you a small taste of home.” Sebastian explained sheepishly, as a small yet sweet smile made its way onto his lips.
You were genuinely at a loss for words. It was right then and there, that you had truly realized you needed that boy in your life forever. He made falling in love with him so easy. Easier than breathing air itself.
“And I know it’s not much, or the best Karjalanpiirakka you’ve ever had. I’m probably a little rusty since I haven’t made it in a while, but I thought that-”
This time it was your turn to engulf Sebastian in a hug, to which he quickly returned; wrapping his arms tightly around your body once more.
“It’s perfect. Thank you.” You gushed, tears daring to prick at your eyes again, but this time it wasn't because you were feeling sick and missed home. This time it was because you were only just now reminded of how much you loved the boy whose arms you were currently in. You loved Sebastian.
“Hey, maybe we should make this a tradition, me and you.” Sebastian coaxed, pressing a kiss gently down to the top of your hair - an action that he had replicated so many times before, yet it never failed to make your heart flutter.
“Really?” You queried at the affectionate offer, with your eyes beaming with light at the idea of this becoming a regular time thing.
“Yeah, really. We’ll call it ‘Karjalanpiirakka Night’.” Sebastian stated, a grin now taking over his features, though his suggestion was one hundred percent serious.
And in that moment you had realized one thing, and one thing alone: that Sebastian Aho, was your home.
And that’s how it was created. Karjalanpiirakka Night.
You wanted to continue reliving the blissfulness of that memory, however, a car horn had pulled you from your thoughts almost immediately. You had looked up at the light and realized that it had turned green during your reminiscing, you waved your hand up in the air - in an attempt to say sorry for your delayed movements, and continued your drive home.
Sebastian couldn’t always make it due to his extensive practice schedule and away games, but somehow he always found a way to make it up to you; no matter how busy or jet lagged he may have been when he got back. His next game was in two days against the New York Islanders, so the tradition would be able to uphold its proper date tonight.
Last month, you had Karjalanpiirakka Night at your apartment so that meant that tonight you would be going to his. Usually, on a typical night you wouldn’t have been nervous, having done this tradition so many times before.
However, tonight wasn’t a typical night. Tonight was the night.
You had decided a few weeks ago that it would be best to reveal your feelings for Sebastian on a Karjalanpiirakka Night, a night where the two of you were surrounded by pure happiness and nostalgia of home. A night where two homesick Finns could go to bed feeling a little bit better than before.
-
You looked down at the sudden illuminated screen of your phone, only to reveal a new message from your favorite person. You couldn’t stop the smile that crept its way onto your face as you read the five simple, yet implicating words.
Sepe: You’re bringing the Munavoi, right?
You could hardly contain your excitement for what tonight would entail. The past two Karjalanpiirakka Nights, Sebastian had been on the road for away games, so you two were forced to raincheck on your monthly tradition. Of course you guys still did it, but it's never the same a week into the next month as it is on the final day. Something about the beauty and intimacy of the tradition is what makes it so special, if that includes having it on its rightful date, then so be it.
However, with all of the excitement bubbling inside of you, nerves were on their way right after. You knew that you and Sebastian both cared for each other deeply, deeper than anyone has ever cared for you before. So you tried to brush the anxious thoughts away, because you were confident in you and Sebastian’s love; and you’d pay a thousand debts before you’d let sudden voices and fragile insecurities allow you to back out.
You were doing it, and you were doing it tonight.
You: Of course.
You replied quickly, smiling at yet another example of your perfect dynamic with the brown eyed boy you met seven years ago at that Oulun Kärpät game. That's how it worked, you played your part in the relationship, and Sebastian played his. The two of you never had to worry about stepping over each other, or filling in the missing pieces; everything was always perfect. You internally thanked Jesse for every time your thoughts lingered back to that day.
Who would have known that some silly little post-game dinner would have brought you your best friend, that some silly little game would have brought you your soulmate. You had actually met about 15 other of Jesse’s teammates, but you knew the second that you had met Sebastian that something was different about him, something was special.
It’s memories like these that reassure you of your plans for tonight, filling you with confidence over the boy who had carried your heart in his hands for the past seven years.
And it’s not that your nerves were rooted in fear of rejection, quite the opposite actually. Your nerves were rooted within yourself, not Sebastian, not tonight. It was obvious that neither of you had made any moves yet, but you were so sure of his mutual feelings for you. The only thing that explained why he hadn’t done anything either, was because Sebastian was just as anxious about doing so as you were. But you didn’t want to wait any longer, you couldn't wait any longer. Because tonight was the night, and things would never be the same after it.
One of you had to be the one to make the move, to take the first step. And you were tired of waiting. You were willing to be the one to do it because you knew that no matter how scary or intimidating it may seem, the outcome would be worth it.
You had almost allowed for your thoughts to drift you off into the cascade of hopes and dreams of what was to come. Imagining holding hands with Sebastian, fingers laced together in love and desire rather than hidden feelings and unsaid words. His hands running through your hair during late night conversations, this time discussing whether you wanted your future wedding to be during the fall or winter, because you both hated the heat. His lips against yours, in the purest display of love, as the warmth of his body engulfed you into a feeling that you would live in for eternity.
However, before these thoughts could progress any farther, another chirp from your phone pulled you immediately from them.
Sepe: Great. See you tonight then, can’t wait.
-
You were currently standing in the middle of your closet, lost in a desperate plea of hope.
Usually for Karjalanpiirakka Night, you’d come dressed in whatever you had decided to wear to your classes earlier that day.
That was one of the other perfect things that you loved about your relationship with Sebastian; that it never felt like an act between the two of you. You could always be your truest self without fear of judgement or harsh critiques, and Sebastian the same.
And because of this, you had never truly put too much thought into what you would come dressed in. But tonight is different. Tonight is going to change everything; and you’d remind yourself of that until the point of no return.
So tonight you were utterly determined to show up to Sebastian’s apartment in more than just a pair of sweats and one of his shirts that you most likely stole from him months ago. Whether he never noticed it, or did and silently allowed for you to keep it, would remain a mystery to you.
You had never stressed over a subject like this before, and you hated the feeling. You let out another exasperated sigh as you allowed for it to bounce off the walls of your closet.
Then it hit you.
A dress. But not just any old dress. It was the dress. One that you had bought months ago at a little boutique a couple blocks out from North Hills. When buying the dress, you had no clue where or when you where going to wear it, you just knew that you couldn’t leave the store without it.
It had been hanging in your closet for months, never really finding the perfect debut for such a beautiful collection of fabric.
Until now. Until tonight.
Immediately rushing over to the rack you had hung it on when you brought it home that day, your eyes scanned it in both nerves and excitement. You quickly pulled the hanger from the rack and held it up in the air, admiring the gorgeous satin dress. It’s scarlet red hue would accentuate the silver jewelry hanging from your neck.
This was it.
For a moment you stopped to wonder if you were doing too much. That maybe wearing this dress to such a casual evening between you and your long time friend would make things weird, or worse, give everything away far too quickly.
However, you wanted this night to be memorable. You needed to look memorable. You needed to make sure that you and Sebastian would remember this night forever.
And because of this, you decided to wear the dress.
-
Slipping into the dress for the first time felt absolutely magnificent. It’s silky texture felt icy against your bare skin, and the lustrous fabric did its job entirely too well in hugging your figure just right.
When you turned to the mirror next to you, a sudden remembrance of why you had bought the dress in the first place began to flood in. It’s glossy look allowed for the low illumination in your room to bounce off of it in all the right places.
You sighed in perfect content as you took in the rest of your appearance. Your skin glowed with a new light, your eyes sparked with a new glimmer, and your lips were covered in a lovely shade of red that paired with your dress perfectly. Everything was perfect.
Heading over to the door, you quickly grabbed your phone and the Munavoi - just like you had told Sebastian you would; then left your apartment. After making it to your car, you purposefully placed the Munavoi in a spot where it wouldn’t tip over. Then climbing into your own seat, with extra delicacy due to the fitting dress.
The short and familiar drive to Sebastian's apartment felt as though two segments of your brain were at war with themselves. Part of you was nervous, nervous that maybe this really had been all in your head. Nervous that maybe Sebastian didn’t like you back; and that all these years had just been one sided pinning.
And the other part of you… was excited, excited that maybe tonight would be the night that changed everything for the two of you. Excited that maybe tonight would end with your lips against his; something that you had been waiting to do since the day you realized what your feelings for Sebastian had truly meant.
However, your thoughts were quickly interrupted as you pulled into his apartment complex, and immediately began looking for an empty parking space. You had found one right next to Sebastian’s car, which was a rare occurrence… However, you decided to take it as a sign of good luck.
Stepping out of your car, you grabbed the bowl of Munavoi and your phone, just like you had done not even ten minutes ago when leaving your own apartment.
You smoothed out your dress and checked your hair and lipstick in the side mirror one last time, just to make sure that nothing had smudged or fallen out of place. Everything looked just as it did before, so you made your way to the front doors of the building.
-
His door swung open in one quick movement, and then you were met with a confused Sebastian standing on the other side of the door frame.
“And suddenly I’m feeling extremely underdressed.” Sebastian admitted teasingly, though there were some obvious truths behind his statement.
Though he questioned your extravagant appearance, you didn’t miss the way his eyes scanned your figure slowly. Starting with your dress, then up to your neck that the silver necklaces laced around - one of them being one he had given you a couple of years ago. Then finally, his eyes pausing for a few extra seconds on your vermillion lips.
You only smiled sheepishly, a furious heat making its way onto your cheeks as you hoped that this was all worth it. That everything would pay off by the end of the night, because you would go back to your apartment being able to call Sebastian Aho yours, and you his.
Sebastian seemed to have immediately picked up on your sudden nervousness - like he did with all of your emotions, so he spoke again, to reassure whatever thoughts gave you the idea to come looking like this. Because even a fool couldn’t deny the fact that you looked absolutely magnificent.
“You look good.” Sebastian complimented quietly with a gentle smile, then stepped back from the door, silently signaling for you to enter.
As you walked in, an action that you had done so many times before, something felt different, something felt off.
You sat your keys on top of your phone, then slide the container of freshly made Munavoi next to the rest of the ingredients that Sebastian had spewed across his countertop.
“If you heat up the Munavoi, I’ll get started on the rye?” Sebastian bargained, eyeing you from his place at the countertop next to you.
You only hummed in agreement, already opening up the container that you had just sat down. You did just as the concord had established, finishing up the final preparations on the Munavoi, and Sebastian had made the rye flour crust.
Now all that the two of you needed to do to finish the Karjalanpiirakka, was put the two ingredients together. You would be the one who would carefully distribute the Munavoi into each rye crust, then you’d pass the ones you’ve completed to Sebastian, who would then fold the crust into perfection.
You couldn't help but awe in thought of how perfectly the art of making Karjalanpiirakka resembled you and Sebastian's dynamic so well. Almost as though the angels of cuisine themselves had created the food just for the two of you to share together. Almost.
Time passed like this for 20 minutes, with the self made assembly line functioning in excellence, and quiet side commentary along the way. Neither of you could help but make jokes here and there, but a comfortable silence took the majority of the kitchen's atmosphere out of pure concentration shared between the two of you.
-
“Here’s the last one.” You stated simply, as you handed the final unfinished piece of Karjalanpiirakka to Sebastian.
“Got it.” Sebastian remarked, as he took the food from your hands.
After walking over to his sink to wash your hands, you smoothed out your dress once again then suddenly remembered why you had been wearing it in the first place.
After the two of you had gotten to work and the familiar comfort of Sebastian’s presence had fallen into line, your primary intentions of the night had completely slipped your mind. As Sebastian placed the final one onto the tray, he then made his way over to your spot at the sink. He gently shoved you over with his hips pressing against yours in a teasing manner, only to result in you jokingly rolling your eyes in return, and surrendering by stepping back from the sink.
After Sebastian was done rinsing off his hands and putting the tray of freshly made Karjalanpiirakka into the oven, he began to make his way over to his living room; silently assuming that you would know to follow.
It was now, or never.
You only allowed him to take a few steps out of the kitchen before pulling him back in with the sound of your voice.
“Sepe.” You called out, voice swift yet shaky with nerves. Sebastian turned around quickly, humming in question of his name being called.
When you didn’t respond immediately, Sebastian noticed the way you were standing in the middle of his kitchen floor, looking timid and slightly uncomfortable. His eyebrows began to furrow, as he wondered if there was something more going on. Maybe that something would explain why you were wearing that dress.
“What’s wrong?” Sebastian questioned, and your heart panged at the way he immediately picked up on your discomfort, just like he always did.
You were an open book to Sebastian Aho, pages sprawled out and desperate for him to read them. Maybe Sebastian was the ink, you wondered. You were the book and Sebastian was the ink; never one without the other, and together everything fell into place as harmony in all things beautiful became complete.
“Nothing. I just… I had something to tell you but it can wa-”
“Tell me.” Sebastian interrupted, plainly insisting that you reveal your news to him. Now you had Sebastian's full attention, his eyes bearing deeply into your own - attempting to decipher whatever was hiding behind them, despite your attempts to break the intimidating contact.
You took one quick and heavy breath. This is the moment you had been waiting for. Six years of waiting and it’s finally here.
“Okay… Well, I’ve wanted to tell you this for a while, I just didn’t know when to. But I’ve waited years to say this and I think I’m finally tired of waiting.”
“Okay?” Sebastian stated, encouraging you to continue.
“You and I have always been… I just-” You stopped, letting out a deep sigh as your eyes fell to the floor. You had been waiting to do this for years, it’s finally time and now you were ruining it. You had practiced it hundreds of times before, though no amount of rehearsals or love confessions to your wall could have prepared you for the pressure of doing it in person.
You had so much that you wanted to say. Years of words building up, and now that it was finally time to say them, you were absolutely and utterly speechless.
Suddenly, you felt an extremely familiar pair of hands, tenderly grip onto your shoulders. The feeling of that contact alone almost saved you from your own nerves and the voices in your head telling you to back out.
“Deep breath in. You can tell me whatever it is, no matter what Y/N. Take your time, I'm not in any rush… And deep breath out.” Sebastian finished, mimicking the patterns of his ordered breathing with you.
The look in his eyes casted nothing but concern for the girl standing in front of him. Sebastian wondered what could possibly be vexing his best friend this badly? Sebastian's hands hesitantly fell from your shoulders, though the worried and anxious look in his eyes never faltered once.
You did just as he said, taking one more extensive breath before deciding to try again. This time, you steadied your feet onto the floor, grounding yourself onto the tiles of Sebastian’s kitchen that you had walked on thousands of times before. This time, you looked Sebastian in the eyes, beaming straight into the beautiful hickory irises that you had caught yourself staring into millions of times before. This time, you decided to go head first into the overdue conversation, allowing for all the words you had been waiting to say to fall from your lips. Like a fresh new wash of rain water over the edge of a waterfall, rapid and without much thought or control.
“The day Jesse introduced us to each other at your Kärpät game, I knew almost immediately that we were gonna be good friends. Though, at the time I never would have imagined that we were going to become this close. You’ve just… You’ve always been there for me, through everything.” You paused for a moment, taking your final breath as Sebastian Aho’s best friend, hoping that you would be taking your next as something different, something more.
Though ‘everything’ was such a broad word, Sebastian seemed to understand every syllable of it and the weight that it carried. His thoughts immediately drug him back to that night. The night where he had found you in your car, nowhere to go, yet no intentions of staying. The night that Sebastian Aho had seen a completely different side of Y/N L/N, a side that had never reached the surface in front of anyone else. The night where traditions were made, and relationships were strengthened in more ways than one.
Though that night ended off on a good note, the creation of Karjalanpiirakka Night - thinking about it still made Sebastian's heart tremble just a little. He had never seen you that way before, and vowed that he never would again, not if he could help it. Because that’s what best friends are for, right?
“You make me happy, Sepe. More than happy. You understand me in ways that I don’t even fully understand myself. You’re always there, even before I need you. You make me laugh in ways that I didn’t even know a human could. You already have your hand against my cheek, ready to catch my tears before they even fall. You help me re-find parts of myself that I didn’t know were still there. You help me discover who I am, and who I want to be.” You paused for just a moment in order to catch your breath. All of the things you wanted to say were now falling from your lips with ease, you barely had any control, but you certainly weren't going to stop now.
“Y/N-” Sebastian demurred, in an attempt to stop the heavily flowing words from your lips in vain.
“You make me feel like a rose in a field of grass, you make me feel good even on my worst days - so imagine how I feel with you on my best. You make me feel as though nothing else matters in the world except for you and I. You make me feel like life is worth living if it means that I get to spend any part of it with you. But most importantly, you make me fall in love with you more and more everyday, Sebastian.” You confessed in one last huff, eyes frantically searching for something in his.
Yes, starting this conversation was difficult, but once you had - it felt as though you couldn't stop. And within a matter of seconds, all the things that you had wanted to say, six years worth of hidden feelings and unspoken words, came out just like that.
You had to admit, the weight that lifted from your shoulders at the release of your proclamation felt wonderful, and you began to wonder why it had taken you so long to do so. No more hiding it all in, no more going home wishing that you had said something more.
Though your celebratory bliss was immediately cut short when you had noticed the expression on Sebastian’s face. It was almost unreadable, almost. The only part that you could identify was a tiny display of pain laced deep within the things it looked as though he was about to say.
A flush of heat washed over your skin, as your pulse hastened. The tension in the atmosphere was high, and within reason, of course. One doesn’t admit their love to another and expect for things to feel amicable. However, this tension was different. It was different than anything you had ever felt before between the two of you.
You weren’t entirely sure of what was taking place behind them, but something about the look in his eyes had told you that something wasn’t right. This reaction was not something that you had been anticipating, despite the fact that you had spent almost all week preparing yourself for anything and everything in terms of tonight.
“Say something, Sebastian.” You pleaded, your words coming out weaker and more vulnerable than you had intended for them to be. Funny, this was the first time that you had ever feared feeling vulnerable in front of Sebastian.
Though he denied your request, forcing the both of you to suffer in the depths of the deafening and consuming silence. Now it was Sebastian who was the one to look away. His eyes fell easily to the floor, just where yours had been staring before your intimate confession of love for the boy.
If the lull of silence could kill, you’d be six feet under right now; but in this exact moment, you were almost wishing that you were.
“Please.” You begged one last time, not sure if your voice could withstand asking for something so simple from the love of your life again.
“Y/N, I...” Sebastian paused, searching for the right words to say, but falling short with each attempt. You could physically see the gears turning in his head, watching him struggle just as you had done moments before. The heavy contrast in the scene created between the two of you almost made you feel as though now it was your turn to grab his shoulders, and tell him to breathe; declaring to him that you had all of the time in the world.
Oh how the roles had reversed so quickly. Now Sebastian was the one standing in fear, frantically spewing words from his lips in hopes that one of them would start the beginnings of exactly what he needed to say. Now you were the one standing in confusion, anxiety prickling at the surface of it all; daring to unleash havoc on whatever sense of stability you had left.
“That’s… That’s not what we are.” Sebastian avowed in disbelief, his eyes making their way back to yours, except this time an expression that you had never seen before consumed them.
You immediately took in a sharp gasp of air, and suddenly it felt as though that heavy weight had found its way back onto your shoulders; except this time with a strength much more ferocious than before. Tears immediately began to gush from your no longer beaming eyes. The drops began to fall like an afternoon shower in the Amazon, heavy and uncontrollable - prepared to destroy any and all things in its path.
Your body began to heave, as breathing became harder and harder with every deep huff of air that you attempted to pull from your lungs. You shook your head back and forth, publicly displaying your denial for the entire world to see. And though many would say it was just you and Sebastian in that room, none of them would have understood the way that he was your world.
Some may have even laughed at you for the way your heart crumbled so easily at the sound of those five words. Separately, they mean nothing, just average filler words used to form sentences or make small talk with a friend. But together, in the order that Sebastian had arranged them, they destroyed you in one lively ruling.
“Y/N. I love you, you know that. I care about you. You’re my best fr-”
“No.” You denied, finding the courage to cut off Sebastian’s words in between your whimpers. “Don’t call me that. Don’t say we're best friends, when you know that that’s not how I see us. Don’t tell me you love me, when you know that you don’t in the way that I love you.” You demanded, your tone was harsh and sharp, something that you had never used on Sebastian before - but tonight seemed to contain a lot of ‘never befores’, so what difference would one more make?
The burning tears began to fall from your eyes faster this time, as the ache of broken promises and unrequited love seeped into your skin.
“But I do love you. Just because I-”
“Just because you what, huh? Just because you don’t love me back doesn’t mean that you can’t still love me as a friend? You interrupted once again, filling in your own version to the rest of Sebastian’s sentence.
“Y/N-”
“Yeah, well maybe I don’t want that kind of love. Maybe the kind of love I wanted from you was something more than what friends have for each other; maybe I wanted something more, Sebastian!” You screamed gratingly into his face, as you furiously wiped your tear stained cheeks. Hoping that your words would hurt Sebastian at least a fraction of how much his were hurting you.
“How long did you know, huh? How long did you know? I mean, I made it perfectly obvious. Hell Sebastian, all of the signs were there. You had to have known that I was in love with you.” You physically scoffed at your next thought. “You just… What? Let me pin after you for all these years, all these years and you’re telling me you never once felt the same way?” You questioned, though your voice betraying you as the final words of your statement fell just short of an insecure whisper.
The tears began to fall rapidly again, consuming the surface of your skin with the now familiar burning sensation - though, you think you would have preferred that one over the feeling of your light in the world telling you that he didn’t love you back.
“I didn’t know, Y/N. I swear, I never knew.” Sebastian claimed in complete innocence, hoping that you would choose his words over your own.
Sebastian had made one vow to himself in his lifetime, and that was to prevent himself from ever seeing you like this again. He had said that he’d do everything in his power to fix whatever was causing such distress like this in his best friend.
But how was he supposed to fix this? When he had made that vow, he had never intended himself to be the thing causing it. How was he supposed to choose between saving his best friend, the girl who was weeping right before him, eyes angry, heart destroyed - or himself, the person who he wanted to be, eyes full of sympathy, heart full of regret.
“That’s bullshit. That’s bullshit and you know it.” You argued bitterly, spitting each word out with a new level of anger that neither you nor Sebastian knew you were capable of conveying before.
You couldn’t decide if you wanted to fall to the floor, sobbing over the fact that the one person who had managed to steal your heart, didn’t even want it. Or if you wanted to destroy the boy who so easily rejected it in the first place. The contrast between the two arduous emotions overwhelmed you, only intensifying the situation and your new feelings regarding Sebastian Aho.
“Please, Y/N. Tell me how to fix this- I want to fix this. Please.” Sebastian begged, taking one large step to close the distance between the two of you. Though it was useless, because almost immediately after he performed the action, you took two even greater steps back.
Now the secret was out, and things had been revealed. The things that you had been waiting to say for what felt like a lifetime were in the air, destroying the relationship that the two of you had spent years building up as each second slipped away.
You knew that if you couldn’t have Sebastian the way you wanted, the way you needed him - then you wouldn’t be able to have him at all. Your heart wasn’t strong enough to see him everyday knowing that the looks he spared you, the hugs that lingered against your skin, the late night conversations that would never travel beyond the intimacy between the two of you, would never mean anything more. It would never mean what you thought it did.
Hell, you weren't even sure if your heart was strong enough to make it through the rest of this conversation. Though there was one final question that you needed to know. There was one final thing that you couldn’t leave without gaining the understanding of.
Verbally asking it out loud took whatever strength and energy that you had left. It was a question that you had wanted to ask many people before, but never once was Sebastian among one of them.
A part of you almost convinced yourself not to ask, too afraid of what it would imply. That if you asked, it would mean that all of this had been real; it would mean that you weren’t going to wake up in your bed at any second now, laughing to yourself at such a horrible nightmare. But the other part of you had to know, and wouldn’t be able to leave without its answer.
“Which part of me wasn’t good enough?” You whimpered, eyes pleading for answers, for anything.
You thought that maybe if you had known, why the Finn who you considered to be your soulmate didn’t see you in the same light, that it would have given you… Closure? That it would make you feel better? That it could somehow compensate for the destruction that Sebastian had caused, though you both knew deep down inside that it would take something much greater to repair such a thing.
“Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that again, Y/N. None of you, none of you wasn’t good enough, none of this is your fault… It’s not because of you. You’re perfect.” Sebastian insisted, though every word that fell from his lips carried half of the weight that they did before. And now you began to find it harder and harder to believe them with each syllable that escaped from his mouth.
“That’s not true.” You laughed lightly, though no ounce of it was filled with humor or euphoria. It was dry, cheap, lifeless. “That’s not true!” You repeated one again, though much louder and more hostile than the first as the irony of Sebastian’s statement began filling you with rage once more.
“If it wasn’t me, then what was it? What was stopping you from loving me back? What was telling you no? Hm?” You questioned sharply, backing Sebastian into a corner that you both knew he wouldn’t be able to get out of.
“Is there someone else? Another girl, maybe a Finn from home too? Pretty long hair, a smile brighter than mine? Someone who makes you feel like the way you used to make me?” You questioned rhetorically.
And though you wanted to be right, though you wanted to win the argument - every other part of you wanted you to be so wrong. Imagining Sebastian with anyone else almost killed you as quickly as the thought had arrived.
“No, Y/N. That’s not-”
“Then what is?” You screamed, your hoarse voice filling the empty space of his apartment, echoing into the bellows of something deeper; this time truly allowing for all of the world to witness.
Except this time, Sebastian didn’t have an answer. He had no words left for his best friend, the girl he loved like a sister, the girl who knew him better than anyone else in the universe.
He had so much that he wanted to say, yet his voice betrayed him - forcing him to remain silent and let the girl he held so closely to his heart slip away. She just wasn’t close enough.
“Exactly.” You conceded, your voice so hush that you weren’t even sure if Sebastian had heard it - but he did.
You painfully wiped the tears from your face once last time, your skin had been rubbed raw now from the repeated action, though no parts of you had enough strength left to care.
You grabbed your phone and keys, grateful that this conversation had never traveled farther than his kitchen so that making your quick escape would be easy.
You were running away, like you did from all of your problems. Though usually you’d be running straight into Sebastian's arms, allowing him to hold you into the late hours of the night while whispering things in your ear to make you smile.
But now you had nowhere to run. Your safe haven was gone, and you weren’t sure if you were angrier with yourself for destroying it, or with Sebastian for allowing it all to happen so easily.
And just like all those years ago, on the night you had been ready to leave North Carolina, on the night Sebastian had found you in your car, tears streaming down your face just like they were now. On the night where he had repaired you in ways only someone made for the other would have been able to, you ran. Except this time, Sebastian wasn’t there to stop you. Because this time, Sebastian had become the very thing that you were running away from.
You had absolutely no clue where you were going, you just knew that it had to be far from here. You wanted nothing more than to maximize the distance between the two of you, a desire that you had never once embodied in your lifetime of knowing Sebastian.
And it looks like you were right, it looks like you got what you wanted.
Things are different now, tonight did change things forever. Though you wouldn't be leaving his apartment with a kiss and breakfast plans for the next day, the universe had given you what you had asked for.
You rushed over to his door, swinging it open in one quick and bitter movement. You paused and turned to look at Sebastian one last time. Hoping, pleading that he would say something more, that he would reveal that this was all some cruel joke and that he loved you too. That he would confess how he did love you the way you loved him, and that it took you almost walking out the door for him to be able to find the words.
But not a single sound, nor movement, came from the towering boy standing 15 feet away from you. Nothing.
Sebastian wanted to tell you to stay, he wanted to tell you how sorry he was, and that maybe in another life things would have been different. Sebastian wanted to tell you about how he thought you deserved someone much better than him, how no one would ever be good enough for someone like you. Sebastian wanted to tell you that he still needed his best friend.
But his voice betrayed him for what seemed like the thousandth time that night. Nothing.
And in one swift movement, you were out the door that slammed shut almost immediately after you walked through it. The aggressive sound echoed through the halls, though it was quickly drowned out by the sob that escaped from your lips directly after, as you stared at the outside of his door - a sight you weren’t very familiar with. Not like this.
Now Sebastian had been left with the engulfing and wretched smell of burnt Karjalanpiirakka. Now you were left in your pretty little red dress, that fit just a little too well.
A part of you was telling you to go back inside, to beg for his forgiveness and demand that the both you forgot about this night. But you knew you could never go back in, things were never going to be the same. The look on Sebastian’s face when you had told him you loved him was now permanently ingrained into your memory, the look of shock, the look of fear.
You wanted nothing more to forget that sight, though it was the perfect reassurance to not walk back in.
Sebastian winced at the sound of your sobs that he heard so clearly through the thin door. Wishing that he could run out and hug you tightly until they stopped, wishing that he could destroy whatever monster had made you cry in such a way. Then he quickly remembered that the monster was himself, and that he was the one who needed to be punished for the crimes against you.
You held your shaking hand against his door, as though this were your way of truly saying your final farewell to a boy who you always had trouble saying goodbye to.
Sebastian put his stiff hand against the door, as though he could still feel the warmth of your hugs, or the echoes of your laugh through the thick and wish denying wood.
If there were any witnesses to watch this scene playout before them, they would have howled at the two of you, hands placed on the exact same spot of the door, though on opposite sides.
Sebastian on the inside, trapped within his own self induced confinement; as he allowed for his best friend to do what she always does best, to run away.
You on the outside, with the entire world to explore, though the only place you wanted to be right now was on the other side of that door; but maybe you would just do what you always did best, run away.
Then in one brisk and direct movement, you pushed yourself away from the door and turned around. Knowing all too well that if you had stayed a second longer, not even the universe would have been able to stop you from going back in.
You hesitantly took the first step of your slow and agonizing walk back to your car, leaving the broken remains of you and Sebastian's relationship behind you.
After a ten minute walk that was supposed to only have been two, you finally made it to your car and slipped into the driver’s seat. Everything was numb now, and though you knew things would be different in the morning, though you knew things would unravel all over again and you would be reminded of the tragedy that went down the night before - you didn’t have the strength to care anymore tonight.
As soon as you had left the parking lot and began your drive back home, attempting to see through your tear filled, and swollen eyes, Sebastian opened his door.
He knew it was stupid, he knew it was too optimistic to hope that you were still there, but a part of him was so sure that you would’ve been. That just across the solid barrier between you two, you would have still been there, waiting for him to finally decide on the man he wanted to be. But now he was just a few minutes short, and a few steps too late; because now it seemed as though Sebastian was wrong. And Sebastian had never been wrong before, not about you at least.
Now it seemed as though he didn’t know you at all.
But this is what you wanted, right? This is what he wanted?
The universe had given you what you had asked for, a night that you would remember forever, a night that would change everything.
And though it seemed that Sebastian couldn’t keep his promises, the universe always would.
Always.
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