I think a lot about how, for Sebastian, sex isn't taboo. It's not something he craves and denies himself in order to stay pure. For years, it was a way for him to get attention from his parents and feel wanted and needed. At the same time, it was a way for him to punish himself, and he switched from that to religion with the same fervor.
In a way, his abstinence is a sign of healing; however, it's also just another way to stroke his ego. He finally realizes that he doesn't need to fuck everything that moves to feel wanted, needed, or deserving of affection. Now, his self-worth is connected to how good of a Chantry Brother and son to Elthina he is. He finds his life dull but clings to it because he's still traumatized from being the third child in a family that only wanted an heir and a spare.
That's why my favorite flavor of sebanders and sebhanders isn't about him fantasizing about fucking them both; it's about stroking his own ego.
It isn't about him feeling horny and guilty; it's about him feeling envious and intrigued.
Anders is a seducer who doesn't deserve Hawke's attention, yet he gets it anyway. But why? Is it because he's that good in bed? But Sebastian is definitely better! Is it because he's good-looking? But Sebastian is handsomer! He's also nobler, smarter, and kinder, and he's not a dirty abomination! So why is Hawke into Anders instead of Sebastian?
So, Sebastian lies in bed at night imagining Anders talking, smiling, laughing. He imagines Anders naked and making love to Hawke. He imagines it over and over to figure out why Hawke would be attracted to that.
He paces around his cell, fantasizing about saving Hawke from Anders and coming to them as a friend, offering comfort and companionship, and it makes him feel like he's on fire and about to burst at the seams.
He doesn't want to fuck Hawke in the traditional sense; he wants to cleanse them of the evil that is Anders. He wants to be Hawke's savior, their knight in the shining armor, and just thinking about it makes his dick so hard that his head spins, but his hands always stay above the covers.
I used to say that this artist who often draws Sebastian captures this dynamic perfectly, but I was wrong. I need something much more twisted and convoluted than Sebastian jorking it in the confessional to satisfy my needs, sorry.
