Near To You
Title: Near To You Pairing: Sebastian/Blaine; Kurt/Blaine Summary: "Because long ago, Blaine needed Sebastian. Blaine had Sebastian. But Sebastian is gone." A/N: ghost!Sebastian that dowa requested so long ago. The tenses can be off and weird because of the transitions. Sorry if it gets confusing! Warnings: angst angst angst angst angst my god angst
It’s his wedding day.
He’s happy. He really is.
“Well, well, for once, I’m loving a bowtie on you.”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, shaking away the voice he knows his mind is making up, playing tricks on him as usual. He straightens himself out, and with one last look in the mirror, a soft smile planted on his lips, he ventures out the room and into his car.
Unaware of the presence - or lack thereof - that stands close to where Blaine was, the words that slipped out of him unheard and carried out into nothing.
-
Blaine and Kurt all but burst into the apartment, giggling and kissing each other, hands roaming under their crumpled dress shirts. Their flight to Rio for their honeymoon isn’t until tomorrow morning so both decided long before their wedding day that they would spend the night in Blaine’s - their apartment for that night. A celebration, after all, is in order.
They clumsily stumble their way up the stairs, murmuring and gushing sweet and loving words to one another, hands linked as Blaine closed the door to their room behind them.
The distant echo of “Congratulations” was not heard by anyone besides the figure who said it, lingering by the couch, translucent eyes never leaving the top of the stairs where Blaine and his husband disappeared to.
-
Sebastian doesn’t know, neither does he understand, and has long stopped trying to make sense of his predicament.
It happened in March, a storm haunting the streets of New York City, when he was on his way back to his and Blaine’s apartment. He really should have listened to his boyfriend.
“Wait until the raining stops!” Blaine had texted. But when has his stubbornness not get the better of him? The rain blurred everything in sight, the road wet and slippery and without warning a truck had come crashing into his car, killing Sebastian Smythe.
Only, he isn’t completely gone. Though he wishes every day that he is. Instead, he’s here, bodiless and lifeless, nothing but a ghost that floats around the Anderson-Smythe apartment. Unable to leave, trapped inside the four walls.
He tried everything he could. Completely tangible, Sebastian can go through walls and doors within the house, up and down the two floors easily. But as soon as he tries to step outside the front or back door, or glide through the windows or the roof, he can’t. It’s like he was forbidden to leave the apartment he used to call home.
-
The ironic thing is, being the ghost, it’s supposedly Sebastian that should haunt the living, but instead, it’s him who is constantly haunted. By Blaine.
After the accident, Blaine had refused to leave their apartment, curled into a ball all day and all night on the bed that they once shared together. He would cry and scream and thrash around, never ending pain shooting through his body.
Their friends had been worried, Cooper more than anyone. When Blaine was unseen for a whole month by anybody, Cooper had incessantly knocked on the door, demanding to be let in to see the state his baby brother was in. And when no response came, doors were busted down to find Blaine in the dark, hugging a lacrosse jersey close to himself, tears continuously spilling down his face, whispering his boyfriend’s name over and over. Cooper had never broken down in his life until he saw the sight of Blaine completely out of it, eyes distant, his body like a hollow shell refusing to live.
And Sebastian could do nothing but watch.
Sebastian sang, he raised his voice, singing loudly to himself more than anything. Because that was the only way he could drown out the shrilling cries and heart shattering whimpers that came from Blaine. The desperate call of “Sebastian!” would send Sebastian shaking above Blaine’s scared body, once again awoken by a nightmare.
“Blaine, I’m so sorry.”
“Why did you leave me, Sebastian?”
“I love you.”
“I miss you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Please come back. I need you.”
-
Blaine visited Sebastian’s grave with peonies, Blaine’s favourite flowers, two days after the funeral.
-
It took about six months for Blaine to recover, with the help of his brother and close friends, he was able to pick himself up again and try little by little, to live again.
-
The first time Blaine smiled was when Sam and Cooper brought him dinner one night and the two had bickered about the type of dumplings Cooper had wrongly ordered. His lips curled up into a smile without force or sadness behind them. It’s been awhile since he genuinely smiled, and Sebastian was right beside him when it happened.
“Some things never change, huh?” Sebastian tried to sound amused even though he’s the only one who can hear himself. Blaine wasn’t the only one trying to get better, Sebastian himself has barely been keeping himself together.
Blaine’s smile wavered not long after when he sees a box of vegetable rice he knew too well.
“My food order.”
“Your food order.”
They had said it at the same time, Blaine’s adam’s apple bobbing up and down, resisting the tears that were threatening to form in his eyes. Sebastian couldn’t help but reach out and hold Blaine, but all that happened was his hand passing through Blaine’s body, feeling nothing but air.
-
Blaine visited Sebastian’s grave with daisies later that evening.
-
It took another two months for Blaine to get back to a real lifestyle. He went back to work as a voice coach at a private music centre. He took in one client at a time, not trusting himself to become overwhelmed with work too soon. He pushed through his promise of going out every Friday with Sam or Rachel, to dinner, a game or a musical - his choice. He also went out with Cooper as much as he could, his brother refusing to go back to LA until he’s sure his little brother was doing well again.
Sebastian had watched Blaine start to busy himself with life again. But there were a few things that still concerned him. Like how Blaine would still make two cups of coffee, one for himself and the other he would add an enormous amount of sugar into, just how Sebastian liked it. How Blaine still couldn’t help but sniff Sebastian’s shirts when he’d open their closet, holding it close to himself, trying to reserve the scent that was all he had left of his late boyfriend. And how Blaine would watch french indie films on Netflix, even though he knows little to nothing about the language, but Sebastian knew that he was doing it to feel his presence because Blaine’s selection were his favourite movies.
-
“Blaine, stop.”
Sebastian couldn’t tear his eyes away when Blaine was barely holding it together, shattered plate pieces by his feet when Pandora had played Uptown Girl.
Silent tears cascaded down Blaine’s cheeks, his balled fists were shaking uncontrollably on either side of him. Sebastian stood beside him, humouring himself by putting an arm around Blaine, careful not to have himself pass through the smaller man’s body.
“It’s so...hard,” Blaine managed to choke out, his throat constricting. “I miss you too damn much, Sebastian.”
Sebastian could only close his eyes and let Blaine’s strangled words pierce through him.
“Why did you leave me?” Blaine whispered harshly. “Why?! How could you? You promised you would never hurt me, Sebastian!” Blaine collapsed on the floor, his knees immediately bruised by the sharp, broken plates around him. “I need you and you left me!”
Sebastian didn’t know spiritual beings like him (or ghosts or whatever the hell he even is) could shed tears until he had started crying beside Blaine.
-
Blaine visited Sebastian’s grave the next morning with tulips.
-
It took three more months.
Blaine let work take up all his time, allowed Rachel and their mutual friends to distract him on his free nights, Sam visited more often so they could kill time by watching Sam’s choice of movies, erasing Blaine’s Recently Watched from the recommended options.
-
Sebastian’s eyes followed Blaine like he does every morning, rushing to grab a toast since he’s running late for his next vocal appointment, grabbing his thermos filled coffee before heading outside.
Sebastian noticed that it was the first time Blaine didn’t make an extra cup of coffee.
-
A total of eleven months later, Blaine found someone else.
It was a sunny afternoon when he bumped into Kurt at Central Park.
-
Three weeks after that, the basement below the Anderson-Smythe apartment was filled with boxes labeled “Sebastian’s Stuff”.
-
A year and two months since the accident, the plaque name for the apartment was changed to just ‘Anderson’.
-
Sebastian thought that witnessing Blaine fall apart after his death was the worse thing he could experience - dead or alive.
He decided that being trapped inside an apartment that used to be half his own, watching the man he loves slowly let go of him, curled into another man’s arms, is worse.
-
“Kurt, I already told you that the plates go on this cupboard.” Blaine reaches for the stack of plates and pulls them down on the counter, his voice light and amused even though he had lectured Kurt about his preferred kitchen arrangements multiple times already.
“Oh, right,” Kurt answers, hopping on the counter beside Blaine, careful not to bump into the chinawares. “But why is that? This cupboard is closer to the dishwashing machine and I was thinking you can have more space for the other cupboard for your coffee maker.”
Blaine continues to move the plates on the other side of the room. “It’s just always been on this side and I have this slight OCD about my kitchen utensils.” Blaine shrugs and tried to pass his weak reasoning with a laugh, hoping Kurt wouldn’’t push any further.
“Okay, my little weirdo,” Kurt says in a sing-song voice, his legs swinging around as he watched Blaine carry the plates, the other shooting him a soft smile.
“It’s because I arranged this kitchen,” Sebastian tells them before floating off to another part of the house.
Blaine still holds on to the little things.
-
“How’s Kurt?” Sam grins as he helps Blaine unpack his groceries on the counter.
“Good.” Blaine couldn’t help but smile as he answered and handed Sam a can to put into his pantry. The blonde easily stacks them on the shelves. “Not too high! You know I can’t reach those!”
“Sucks for you,” Sam jokes which earns him a swat on the arm.
“That didn’t used to be a problem, I would just have Sebas - “ Blaine’s hand is paused in mid-air, his grip on the baking soda instinctively tightens.
Sebastian is completely still above the duo, floating and unmoving.
“Blaine - “ Sam starts.
“I would just have Sebastian get it for me.” Blaine finishes, passing the baking soda to Sam easily. “I’m fine, Sam. I promise.” And for good measure, he flashes Sam his best smile.
Sebastian has always been the only person who could read Blaine like an open book, so he knows Blaine isn’t lying. It took more than a year, but Blaine is finally fine.
-
Blaine visited Sebastian’s grave the next day with orchids.
-
The worst nights for Sebastian were when Blaine and Kurt get intimate that later turns to them having sex. Sebastian had been more than thankful that it was raining the first time they had done it. He had himself pressed against the living room window, focused on nothing but the pitter patter of rain and trying to block out Blaine’s moans and the pleasurable way he called out Kurt’s name.
Other times he would chant “Don’t turn it off, don’t turn it off” when Blaine and Kurt had long forgotten the movie they were watching, busying themselves with each other’s mouth and hands. Sebastian always stowed away inside the upstairs guest room, singing and talking loudly to himself to drown out the noises they were making. If the tv was left on, he had at least more sounds to distract himself with.
On nights he wasn’t so lucky though, he would let his floating body drift him around the house, the sound of Blaine’s moans killing his already dead presence.
-
Sebastian had been trapped inside the apartment for so long that he has thrown away any sense of feeling. He didn’t know why he even has emotions, as if being a goddamn ghost of his then boyfriend’s home isn’t punishment enough. As if dying, wasn’t enough.
So he’d fool around and humour himself, taking part of a conversation he knows he isn’t a part of, making jokes and adding his opinions (good and bad) to everything that happens around him. Like making fun of Kurt’s choice of outfits, or telling Sam his impressions weren’t even close to being spot on, or criticizing Rachel’s musicals whenever she’d visit. He would even talk to Blaine, it hurt, but it was his own form of coping if he were to keep going at this.
It didn’t matter, no one can hear him anyway. Might as well have his own fun.
-
“Does this vest scream ‘Vogue’s Most Successful’ or what?” Kurt excitedly spins to give Blaine a full view of his outfit.
“No, it screams it belongs in the trash.”
“Yes, you look so great, Kurt.” Blaine kisses Kurt on the cheek.
-
“Blaine, what’s your favourite colour?” Kurt had asked.
“You’ve been dating him for months and you don’t know that it’s red?”
“Red. Why?”
“I’m buying scarves online, Banana Republic just released their new collection.”
-
“We should get a pet cat!” Kurt claps his hands at his own idea.
“He’s allergic, you idiot.”
“I’m allergic. What about a hamster?”
-
“I’m ordering pizza, babe, pepperoni or hawaiian?”
“Blaine hates pineapples. He orders the meat lover, and you call yourself his boyfriend.”
“I would say hawaiian but pineapples are yuck. A meat-filled one for me, please?”
-
It’s all fun and games for Sebastian - numbing out any pain of watching his then boyfriend with a new lover in his life - until he saw an engagement ring on Blaine’s finger one Saturday night.
He slow claps for the happy couple.
-
A week after the honeymoon, the plaque on the apartment reads ‘Anderson-Hummel’.
-
Blaine visited Sebastian’s grave with Kurt for the first time together with roses.
-
Sebastian remembers the fight he and Blaine had over a year ago, the biggest one they’ve had. Blaine had casually blurted out that he wants kids someday, and Sebastian had shrugged it off. Not because he didn’t care, but because it was a big step for the two of them.
Blaine had voiced how hurt he was at Sebastian’s nonchalance over the topic, and Sebastian had harshly replied how ridiculous it was they were even having that conversation. Blaine had slammed the door to their bedroom, and Sebastian had left the house.
-
When he overhears Blaine bring up the same topic to Kurt, the memories of their fight came flashing back to Sebastian.
-
Sebastian came home a little later that night after their ugly argument, crawling into bed beside Blaine, kissing him awake and apologizing for acting rash and making him upset.
-
“Yes, let’s have a baby. Yes! Let’s have a baby!” Kurt throws himself onto Blaine, the two bursting with joy at their decision. Blaine hugging Kurt close to him, happy to start a family with the man he loves.
-
“Let’s name her Emma, if it’s a girl,” Sebastian had whispered to Blaine that night. “It’s my grandmother’s name,” he explained. Blaine had nodded with a loving smile and kissed Sebastian’s lips, sealing the future they had planned.
“Emma Anderson-Smythe, I love the sound of that.” Blaine whispered, feeling Sebastian nod against him.
-
Sebastian took one look at the picture perfect family in front of him before drifting off upstairs, but not before hearing Blaine excitedly announce “Welcome to your new home, Elizabeth!” to the baby girl in Kurt’s arms.
-
Sebastian doesn’t know why but he always finds himself hovering over the baby’s crib every night when everyone has gone to sleep. He shouldn’t in any way be attached to her, but he just is. And for the zero point five seconds of the baby - he refuses to refer to her by her name - opening her eyes, suddenly awoken from her slumber and ready to burst out crying, Sebastian found the answer.
Because staring up at him were bright, hazel eyes.
Elizabeth is biologically Blaine’s.
-
Blaine took his daughter with him when he visited Sebastian’s grave a week later with sunflowers.
-
It happened one afternoon when Blaine was out to fetch errands and Kurt was busy on the phone. Lizz (the nickname Sebastian had decided to use on her) was crawling around upstairs in her room after being left by Kurt to answer a call in the living room. The safety gate Blaine had set up was slightly open from when Kurt ran downstairs, and that’s how Sebastian found himself slightly panicking: Lizz was a few crawls away from falling straight down the ten flights of stairs. But when she reached the edge, her body about to lounge over the first step, a strong force managed to carry her. It’s as if someone caught her and managed to land her safely at the foot of the stairs. Which was where Kurt found her a minute later with a shocked look on his face, eyeing his giggling daughter then the stairs, back to his daughter then to the stairs again.
“How....” But Kurt doesn’t even know where to begin. “How are you here, princess? Didn’t daddy leave you in your playpen?” He asked her in his baby voice, picking her up and heading up to her room, completely confused.
Sebastian, on the other hand, was breathing heavily, his arms shaking in front of him. “How the hell did I do that?”
-
It was all fun after that. Sebastian would project some kind of force he was capable of (special apparition privileges, he thought with a smirk) on everything he could. One time he doubled over laughing when he kept moving a bowl of fruits Kurt put on their dining table. Kurt would come back to the bowl opposite of where he put it before, frustrating him to no end. Another time he “accidentally” opened the window of Blaine and Kurt’s bedroom while they were having sex. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t for the fact that it was snowing hard outside, making the couple shiver to the bone and postpone their activities and Sebastian snickering to himself.
But mostly he uses his forces to make it easier for Lizz to reach her toys, or have one of Blaine’s missing bowties reappear on the bed when Blaine would worry himself looking for it.
-
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaand there we go!” Blaine exclaims excitedly after putting the sparkling pink headband on his daughter, all ready for her birthday party. “My little princess is one year old,” he gushes before kissing her forehead with a loud ‘mwah’. He lifts her up on his lap, hugging her close to him.
“He would love you, Lizzie,” Blaine whispers after a minute of silence, more to himself than Elizabeth (who claps her hands in response to her papa’s words - a habit she developed whenever her fathers would talk to her).
“I do.”
And Sebastian swears Elizabeth looked right at him while clapping her hands happily.
-
Sebastian pushed the ball back to her using his force. Elizabeth pushed it back to him. They’ve been playing for a while now, Sebastian sitting in front of her as they pass around the ball .
“So what’s the deal here, can you see me?”
Elizabeth says nothing, her eyes on the colourful ball her aunt Rachel gave her. Sebastian sighs as he pushes the ball back to her.
“So you can’t see me?”
She passes the ball back.
Instead of passing it back, Sebastian keeps the ball steady on his side, waiting to see what she’ll do.
Then She looks at him. Not through him, but at him. She gestures with her hands, her fingers opening and closing into a fist as if asking him to keep playing with her.
Sebastian couldn’t help the smile that forms on his translucent face before pushing the ball back to her.
-
Sebastian didn’t have favourite flowers, but when Blaine insisted that there must be one he liked more than the others, Sebastian had shrugged and said he liked all of them. But if he had to choose, it would probably be lilies.
-
On March 5th, Blaine visited Sebastian’s grave with a bouquet of beautiful, white lilies.
“Happy Birthday, Sebastian.”
-
Blaine is sitting on the couch reading a book when Kurt came back from his work, kissing him softly before joining his husband on the couch.
“Why are you home? I thought you’d be out,” Kurt says, squeezing Blaine’s knee.
Every year on this day, Blaine would head off somewhere to walk alone by himself with no particular destination. Never would he drive or take the bus, he would always just walk. The first year he made it all the way to the outskirts of the city without realizing he had been walking for three hours. The second year, he found himself at the Statue of Liberty and by a river farther down. The next year was spent visiting various places like the museum, art galleries, music stores, bookstores, libraries, etc. And last year, Blaine sat all day at Central Park.
Kurt never minded it and let Blaine venture off alone, completely understanding that his husband needed his own time, especially on that one day.
Sebastian, on the other hand, would find himself in the attic, spending the whole day just sitting by the small window and looking outside. Sebastian could feel it when it’s May 27th and all he wants to do is isolate himself until that day is over, much like Blaine.
Sebastian is sitting on Blaine’s other side, his expression blank but calm. He’d like to know the answer to Kurt's question too as well as why he hasn’t drifted off to the attic yet.
Before Blaine could answer, Elizabeth bursts into the house from school. Sebastian is by her side in a second, a routine they’d fallen into. It was a way of Sebastian greeting her home.
Elizabeth’s right hand opened and closed into a fist that made Sebastian smile. He loved how she would greet him first before her two fathers.
“Hey, honey, how was school?” Blaine asks fondly.
“Good!” She beams, still rooted on the spot. “Papa, you’re home. You’re usually out on this day.”
Then Sebastian feels it.
There was a reason why he was here, trapped in this house since his death. There was a reason he could exert some kind of force. There was a reason Elizabeth can somehow know and feel his presence.
“I decided to stay home today.” Blaine answers after a beat, feeling Kurt’s eyes on him, concerned but curious. Blaine held Kurt’s hand in his own, smiling at him then at his daughter. “I want to spend time with you two tonight, what should we do?”
Elizabeth didn’t say anything, just watched her daddy Kurt ask her papa if he was sure then going on about the things the three of them could do together. Blaine nods at his husbands words before turning his attention back to his daughter.
“Sweetheart, close the door.”
Blaine needed Sebastian in some sense, unable to let go of the person he loved more than anyone in his whole life. Blaine might have moved on but there was never a time since Sebastian’s death that he didn’t think about him even in the slightest way. Never since the accident did he not love Sebastian even when he had Kurt, always a corner in his heart that was reserved for his late boyfriend. Sebastian had always been alive within Blaine.
Sebastian thinks that might have reflected on Elizabeth, that Blaine had passed on a part of his love for Sebastian to his daughter, which is why she could feel him even when she doesn’t know who Sebastian is. The force was something to stay connected to Blaine, to Elizabeth, to this house, to the life Sebastian once lived. A force he can exert since he no longer lives.
Sebastian suddenly understood all of that. Blaine needed time, needed Kurt to love again, needed Elizabeth to have a bright future and a family. Because long ago, Blaine needed Sebastian. Blaine had Sebastian.
But Sebastian is gone.
Seven years after Sebastian’s death, Blaine had finally let go.
Sebastian stood by the open door looking outside, everything is suddenly so bright and light.
Sebastian is free.
Elizabeth looked at Sebastian, and Blaine followed his daughter’s gaze. “Lizzie? What are you looking at?”
And with one last look at Blaine, Sebastian steps out.
“Nothing, papa.” Elizabeth murmurs, her fist opened and closed before closing the door.
“Have a great life, Blaine.”
Fin.