The Shadow in Others
It is easy for me to see the shadow that others have. I can see the way the sunshine of their passions pass over the deep valleys of their lives. I can see when the twinkle in their eyes dim just a bit, as the clouds of shame pass over their happiness. I can feel the way their heart pauses just a beat, deciding if that’s something they want to pursue when we peruse it in conversation.
Sometimes people have their shadow pinned to their shoulders, letting it weigh them down. Sometimes they have it pulled over their eyes like the designer sunglasses they sport. Sometimes they’ve stuffed it so deep inside of themselves they’ll never find it, if they ever wanted to search for it anyhow.
My shadow and I are playful friends. Like Peter Pan it’s attached to me. I keep it close and am aware when it’s slipping away before I’ve actually healed it. And because I’m intimate with my shadow, I like to be intimate with other people’s shadows.
In getting to know someone, I ask a lot of questions. I do a lot of interrogating. I delve deep. Some people can handle this line of questioning and some people cannot. Those who can handle it will probably become a friend of mine. Maybe more. Those who cannot handle it will fade into the background. I spiral deep. I start with easy questions. I ask about life. I ask about relationships. I ask ‘what do you think about...’ and let them show me their raw selves. I make no judgements; I just listen so I can hear what they’re telling me. A person will always tell you who they are, what they are.
When done enough, over the course of long enough, their internal commentary will make it out of their mouths, into their words, flavor their answers with their own particular spices. They will no longer give short, scripted answers. They will interject their own assessments, their own hopes, their own fears. You just have to listen long enough.
Questions can’t be static - they have to move with the conversation. I try to script out what I want to ask about for the day, what I want to focus on, but if there is something revealed for a moment I pounce like a dragon on a shiny object. Depending on who I’m talking to, what role they fulfill, I can either probe or direct. I can ask deeper or I can tell them to tell me more. Whichever works to open a person up is what I use. I need to get inside. I need to see their guts, their brain, their heart, their soul, and their shadow.
When I get to the icky sticky tar of a person I have to decide what I’m going to do. They’ve cracked all their ribs for me to see. It was probably a painful process. No matter what I decide to do for myself, I have to help them heal. I escorted them down a path of looking at themselves in a way they probably wouldn’t have ever done before. Now they too have to see their icky sticky tar and decide what to do with it. I have to be gentle, I know. Take a peek, see what’s there, and help them heal.
Healing looks like acknowledging what’s in there. Healing looks like supporting who they are right now. Healing looks like vision planning for what they want to do with the tar. Are they going to leave it there, pooled up, right under the surface? If someone else comes along and punches them right in that spot, their shadow is going to erupt everywhere - is that how they want this to be released? Or are they going to start cleaning it up now? Healing looks like meeting them where they are. Maybe now all they can do is lie still and recuperate. Being still is still a course of action. Maybe they need to intellectualize their shadow. Maybe they need to feel it. Healing looks like bearing witness and keeping quiet.
Being a shadow seeker is not easy or fun, not like the world thinks it is. They think I delight in revealing shadows and disrupting lives. They think that it satisfies some sadistic nature of mine. But once I’ve cracked someone open, once they’ve become so vulnerable, my only course of action is to keep that knowledge to myself. I can speak with them about it, if they’re willing, but otherwise that is my secret to bear for the rest of my life. No one else can ever know what the inside looks like. There is no counsel for the Shadow Seeker.
