Maelair Nightmare

Shadow Blog

[maelair]

Just Right

We started with where he knew he had been before - sizes that he could handle and sizes that he enjoyed. He told me when there were certain shapes that excited him because as I had mentioned, if I have control over the tool, why not use the right tool for the job? There were elements that excited me - like the one that did all of the thrusting for me so that I could just focus on doing the energy play of the exchange which was my favorite part to focus on. That one had already seemed, and was, intense. That was where the fantasy began. 

I told my boi a story that got him so excited that I had to buy a cock to go with it. Shortly after that, I found another variation that seemed like it was going to be interesting to play with. Though I was enjoying the fact that the longer we went, the more he struggled, every now and again the fantasy was more about the immediate penetration and less about the long term suffering, so that required another cock. There was one just for the boi’s gratification - but also to play in a way that was meaningful to me, in that he keeps it at his house and he uses that one in particular when he is fantasizing about me. I had the opportunity to play with it when we snuck into his bedroom for a nap - I am the world’s worst napper - and I too became enchanted with this gratuitous cock. Despite my indulgence already, there was still a lingering desire, a longing want, prohibited by myself mostly and possibly, potentially, anatomy second. 

Before I could even cross the bridge to the fantasy of though, I had to know that he would speak up if it was too much. There were many opportunities for him to push back, to tell me no, to defy me. There were a variety of settings as well: when it came to food; where we were going to spend time; in fantasy roleplay stories that we told one another. There was hardly a good opportunity for him to have to tell me no but there were times where he got to show strong communication and clear boundaries which made me feel more comfortable. Finally, one late afternoon, when I pulled him into me so that I could fall asleep and take a nap and awoke, my immediate response was to chide myself for keeping him - and he snapped right back and said that he could have seen himself out, he knew how to leave, if he wanted to. In the moment I was surprised by the reaction, which was probably more of what I needed than the words. 

The morning had started with a workshop. We had a mutual interest in a class that was being offered and it seemed like an interesting perspective. After that we spent very little time before my fingers were pressed into his skin and I was grappling him in the bed. Though we had been experimenting with the smaller of the cocks most recently, and adjusting some of the other elements that are necessary, we mutually agreed that this was not the time to indulge in past story lines or fantasies. Instead, we needed to dip in right where we were, which was the first one that I bought, where this really took off. This time I wanted to play more, explore more, watch more. I was finally acclimated more with the feeling of, how we fit together, what I needed to do in order to make everything work right. I thought I had worked out which sets of muscles were going to be the most sore but turns out I’m still learning that. I understood a more playful perspective in doing this, understanding more of how sex could feel like a scene from this side as well. 

When I was done playing, when we were done playing, we decided to watch a movie. We knew we were going to have to eat and I enjoyed the idea of extending play into our dinner and ordered food that the boi didn’t normally eat. We were going to take a taste tour of things I enjoyed, and he could enjoy them too. Halfway through the movie and well after we were done eating, we found our way to the local sex shop. I had a hankering. There was more play that I wanted to do, something I wanted to explore, and admittedly even if I didn’t commit to making the purchase, I wanted to be enticed.

‘Here boi,’ I told him as I plucked the largest dildo off the shelf and put it in his tiny hands. He laughed and looked up at me. ‘But also let’s look at the measurements,’ I warned, a clear indicator that if it needed to just be a joke, it could be. But more information is always better. So he started doing the calculations and we started turning the others around for comparison. What we came up with was that it would be more than he comfortably does and it might be a stretch goal but not impossible and by the time we got to stretch goal it was practically already purchased. Once home, I didn’t have to tell him to load it up, just that he might want to do it before we actually got started, unless he was so into tease and denial that he enjoyed stopping himself to take a time out to wrestle with silicone instead of me. 

As we started to play again, I pulled him into me, to do something, and I felt him against me, close to me, much more intimately than I had felt him before though I could hardly say why. I pushed him around and pressed him down and used my hands all over him like I typically do and it was not long before he was positioned over me and I was finally getting to watch what I had wanted to see all along. I knew that all I could do was be still. I knew that I had to let him get acclimated and introduce himself to this cock and that if I pushed him too far, too fast, it was not going to be enjoyable and I was not going to get to play with this one again. I held my breath. 

Once he had taken enough of me inside of him that I could start to feel the pressure I marked it, so he knew. This was something that I felt was important, so that he could start to gauge where I had more and less sensation, so that he could ascertain if he needed to adjust for himself or if he needed to abdicate to my judgement or preference. He responded, but there was still so much to go. I could not move most of my body but my fingers dug into his thighs as he was lowering himself onto me. He was still perched, uncomfortably, which while entertaining was probably not going to result in the experience I was expecting, so I let my hands roam instead, from thighs to hips, to his sides, to explore.

Now he was finding his way down my cock and the further he went, the more my fingers pressed into him. Now he was finding a rhythm so that he could find pleasure in what I was pressing into him, so that he could make the association. Now he was in a place where I could share the fantasy, of wanting to make sure that he was so completely full of me that it was all he could focus on. Now he could press my fingers against his body so I could feel my cock inside of him, through him. I stayed still: I let him take it for a spin first, so he could get acquainted with all of the buttons and all of the ridges; I let him take it for a ride, so he could figure out what he was going to fantasize about afterwards. The louder he called out, the deeper my fingers dug into him. 

I released the pressure in his hips for a moment. I lingered in my position. I let him luxuriate for only a moment in the ecstasy of the new cock, well within his control. I was close. I shifted my hips - sometimes resettling him can get me closer to where I want to be. It takes very little friction to get me off. There was a sharp inhale from him and suddenly it didn’t matter what position his physical body was - he was in just the right spot and I was much closer than I was expecting. My eyes were on his face as I pushed into him and he winced, but it was followed immediately by him nodding so I didn’t stop and I just kept going.

I explored slow movements and I explored pushing myself into him, off of the bed, slowly, as deeply as I could before he finally dropped his jaw and told me how deep I was before I simmered down. For the first time, I found my own rhythm. I had been fixated on his face but found it overwhelming and so closed my eyes. This was what we had practiced for anyhow - this was why we practiced him pushing back, speaking up, speaking out. As soon as I’d settled into my rhythm, as soon as I was beginning to understand the importance of it, I felt something shift between us and without opening my eyes I pressed my hand up to his chest and I told him, ‘If we need to stop you need to say so right now - I don’t have real physical feedback but I felt that shift and I am so close’ and I felt him shake his head and then I opened my eyes to look at his expression, to see his face, and to get his enthusiastic consent before I continued driving deeply into him. Hand in place and only seconds away, I connected the circuit through the boi so he could feel just how much I enjoyed using him. And as he pressed a hand back to me, to ground himself, we both expelled the excess joy through laughter. 

‘You know boi,’ I said, as I looked down his body, to his heart, ‘with a dick this big, sex can never be a kindness; it can only be violence,’ and I pushed him off me and listened to that gasp tear from his throat.

[maelair]

Entry to the Lair

I know exactly where I am, in my timeline. I look down at my hands and I know the color of my hair, I know which chapter I just ended, which is ridiculous because I also know I am still inside of a story, just inside of the iteration of a story now. I summon to memory where it all began and I think fondly of her name and that is how I know I have continued in my story, that I am in an iteration, is that I can recall that pocket of time and that feeling where I first started exploring this and then set it down again. I take a deep breath, comforted that I have found my north star again, conveniently in front of me, so that I may always continue to be right on my path.

‘No,’ I interrupt him. ‘I have your afternoon and evening and I will see you as soon as I am done with work.’ He replies affirmative, ‘Yes Sir’. The afternoon is slow and he is anxious to arrive on time and so prods to see if it is a hard limit or not. I explain that I must remain tethered but he is welcome in my space and he arrives right on time, which is apropos for the distance that we maintain. Once inside, I fill out the plans that had only been sketched before and we gather our things and head out for dinner. Did he remember that I enjoyed this place? Did he remember that I enjoyed a particular food item on the menu. Was it happenstance. Did it matter. 

Dinner was how this all started. Every time the group would go out to eat he just would not order food. Or the he didn’t eat. One Christmas I even made him a doll to help ensure that all of the food he ordered would be correct so he could put the myth to rest that he just couldn’t communicate well and that was why he didn’t get the food he ordered. I started listening to him order, listening to him explain what he wanted, and rephrased it back to him to parrot until he understood the changes that I was making. Then he asked me, quietly, nervously, if I would help him learn the foods, too. Intrigued, we started setting up dinner dates where he had to order all of the food and the immediate feedback was what arrived to the table. I ordered what I always ordered which meant he had to learn how to order to specification and the only feedback he would have then was if I was pleased because he certainly had no idea what a peanut butter ghost pepper jam burger medium rare was supposed to taste like - he would never have ordered it for himself. He never got to make any request of what I got, he just had to sample whatever it was that I ordered in addition to whatever he got for himself, which he would admit was consistently from the kid’s menu. 

There is distance when we do this, because in some sense it is a scene, a mentorship, something that was born of innocence and that we preserve. Once the ordering is concluded and the feedback is received and adjustments are made if necessary, the scene is then complete and we shift gears into catching up and checking in to see what, not if anything, has changed since the last time we played together. We started the second layer of dynamics fully aware of the gender fuckery that was taking place, at least the beginning strands of it, and we committed to learning about it parallel to one another. We do this set up like scenes as well, for the sake of learning the physical restrictions and restraints, so that we could work through some of the grief and longing of having bodies that do not match how we feel we are. 

But then, as those scenes started to wrap up too, we were left with this underlying story that started as parallel and now seemed to be running closer together. There was an exploration that each of us had sought previously and we had simmered long enough on what went wrong and how we had contributed to the problem that we were able to finally look at those parts of ourselves again, especially in reflection to one another. 

‘It was after one of the discussions,’ he started and I knew exactly what he was talking about because I had considered it a blemish on my record, something that I was better than, above. Something that I taught about how we should never do and now I had broken this cardinal rule for myself not once but twice since I had implemented it as a rule for myself. And yet. This hesitation that I feel right here, this apprehension, this hazy moment that is now swelling in time with possibilities is what permits me the time to raise my eyes from their lowered position, humbled by the boi willing to bring this up to me, and I register the expression on his face before I allow time to unsuspend, to rubberband back to the normal stretch of time, gently so that there is no impact to either of us, the most subtle of manipulations so that I could softly smile to myself as I saw the light in his eyes, and I knew to simply savor what was about to come next. ‘You grabbed my face and you told me you were so proud of me and the whole world stopped for me,’ he said. 

‘For everyone’ I added.

‘It’s all I’ve thought about,’ he admitted as the dishes were being set on the table. ‘I know how we got here,’ I gesture to the table, to the mundane, to the vanilla. ‘I don’t know how to weave the story together for the rest of it. I mean, I have an idea. I always have an idea. We’ll see if it works.’ He settles in next to me and looks at what I’ve ordered. The drink is the concern. He has to know the entire palate if he wants to keep exploring food with me, so he samples every drink too. 

When we are done with food we go to my house. I tell him that I have somewhere to be that evening and so I am going to have to do some preparation for that but he is welcome to follow me around if he wants to and of course he wants to. I pack my bag and he watches, intrigued by what is going into this otherwise benign looking backpack, with just the tip of an implement poking out. Once that is done, I start getting dressed. This is different than the t-shirt and jeans that he normally sees me in when we are just around our friends. This is more business casual though he could hardly name the business that I was dressing for when I rolled my sleeves up to slap a Leather bracelet around my left wrist. ‘You didn’t have plans tonight,’ I remind him and he perks up a little, shaking his head in agreement. ‘You can drive me.’ 

I guide him to the industrial park where the building I am looking for is housed. I explain that there are certain rules that he will follow when he is here with me and this will avoid him having to know and remember all of the rules. They look similar to what he has seen in his own family, so nothing too world shattering for him to comprehend. I tell him I don’t know what to expect at first, because we are just going to be talking, and for him it’s better to just be seen and not heard and he responded ‘I understand’. That portion of it went well and then the person that I was meeting showed up and I explained to him what I was going to be doing with her. His eyes widened and he smirked a bit, familiar with the concepts at least. ‘You can either attend as a companion where you hang out near me and stay out of the way or you can attend to assist me, where your focus is me the whole time - your choice’. 

He assisted, as I suspected he would. He held two sticks and his attention was in service to me the entire time. He noticed well before I did when the person that I was playing with needed water and set that at the edge of the table for me to take and offer, so that it came from me alone. He assisted when the Flinch occurred, which cut the butt that kept wiggling at me, so that I did not have to handle latex but could still attend to my bottom, a swift in and out with just the whisper of a touch on the heels of a quiet but direct apology for touching and interrupting, and then he was gone again. At the end of the scene, I tell him that my bottom had a choice of whether they wanted to clean to ground themselves or if they wanted him to clean up after them. He nodded, ‘I understand’ and after consultation and the meekest admission that they would prefer the boi do the cleaning, I directed him to do as such. Things were packed up swiftly, cleaned up, and then we all headed upstairs. 

There she sat on the floor next to me in a pup hood and a pink fluffy robe and I pet her while he sat next to me on the bench. There were other scenes that were about to take place as everyone shuffled in and out of the stations that they wanted to use. I continued each of our scenes upstairs with her starting as a pup that watched the world through a new perspective and with him getting more intimate attention from me in a place where it was okay to receive that, unlike when we had been together alone before, in bookstores and grocery stores, where the way that we interacted naturally would not be acceptable. 

‘Sir,’ he whispered in my ear to turn my attention to a couple I might want to watch and I did. A scene started in front of us that was very reminiscent of exactly what I had been talking about wanting to see more of in my club. As he listened to the different sounds of intense pain and pleasure, I could feel him practically quivering next to me and so I did the only thing I could think to help ground him in the moment: I punched him. He laughed. This caught the pup’s interest and she looked over at us. I started to pinch his sides as I often did when we were out together and now, he parted his lips and tipped his head back and let out a whimper and I felt the electricity course through my spine. He glanced over at me, making sure he was right in that he didn’t have to keep it quiet here like he did when he sat next to me at dinner in restaurants, if he ended up next to me anywhere else. I punched him again and he laughed even harder. Somewhere in there, I produce brass knuckles and they get added to the punches that are going into his thigh and just as fast as they appear they are gone again because he makes a lot of noise when he gets punched with those.

After the scenes wrap up, I lead them both downstairs where we remove the hood and we get to chat for a little while. I remind her that she has a band-aid on her bottom because of her reckless Flinch and she reminds me this is why we should never meet our heroes. I look at the long bench in front of us and I fantasize to them what the scene might be if there were five bottoms across that long spanking bench and if each Top would be using their hands or an implement, if they would rotate or only play with their own bottom. She tells me that she likes that about me, that I am always thinking like that. ‘I am,’ I admit, ‘It is the world I live in’. He reminds me too that he likes that about me, that I am always exploring different ways to play.

I smirk. Playtime was over and so I had to help the pup transition back to existing in the real world. I made sure everyone gathered their things and made sure everyone was good to leave. The boi drove me home and on the way home he was mostly quiet. ‘Was it what you expected?’ He was thoughtful for a minute. ‘Yes and no,’ he told me, keeping his focus on the road. There had been enough stories, enough glimpses, enough demonstrations around in snippets and thoughts that it was not difficult to put together, if someone listened well enough. ‘I think I know how to pull this together now,’ I tell him, as I settle back into my seat, though I too keep my eyes on the road. ‘I think I know where we are,’ I say, with much more confidence than a mere potato.

[maelair]

A Quickie

He is not thinking about any of that because he is entranced and thinking forward to when he finally gets to taste me. I remove his cap and he undresses in the way that he does, as I climb into the bed. I am positioned at the end of the bed and he just so happens to start by kneeling at the end of the bed so he can bury his face between my legs. I can hear her calling for him down the hallway - she’s unsure of where we went exactly because he just got so caught up in now is the moment I’ve been waiting for. I can hear her calling ‘Daddy’ and it turns me on a little. He has good Daddy energy and I enjoy getting to see it in play with his girls. But right now, I want him, and I’m enjoying this dance that we’re doing. He’s sliding his hands up the outsides of my thighs as I’m wriggling out of my panties so I can pull him closer. He doesn’t hear her calling him at all. My fingers are slipping over the top of his head, beckoning him closer and he is already so close. I am looking forward to feeling his goatee press against me and when he finally gets there, he just pauses and breathes me in. I can feel my back arching because I want to help him bury his face in what he desires the most but I also want to savor the moments, as well as he is doing. Finally, just like that one kiss, his plunges his tongue into me and I let out a soft moan as I clasp my hands around the back of his head. This is when the door opens after a gentle knock. I hear her say it again ‘Daddy?’ but his ears are blocked by my thighs. I don’t care that she sees me naked and I don’t care that she sees what we’re doing. This is why you don’t go into your Daddy’s room without permission. She stops there, in the doorway, and takes a deep breath. I have a hand on the top of his head, holding him in place, as I address her. This time, her word is softer, there’s a lilt at the end of her statement, turning it into a question. I can easily envision that this is not a position she’s ever seen him in. To her, he his powerful and almighty, in charge of everything, every moment of the day. Here he is though, on his knees in front of the Dominant woman he started dating. What else will change. ‘Daddy?’

I answer her though, as his tongue is busy. ‘Don’t worry kitty, this is just how Daddy fucks women and you’ll always be his babygirl.’

 At first she feels comforted and then I can see her head tilt, curious. Maybe being the babygirl all of the time isn’t what she thought it would be. What is this. How does this work for them, for everyone. But my attention isn’t on her any longer. It’s on the way the pleasure is building from my clit to my root chakra, to the way that it is filling my solar plexus with energy, the way that it was warming its way into my heart. I can feel his hands grabbing at my hips, pulling me down into his mouth the best he can, hungering for me, satisfying that hunger for himself by devouring me as intently as he’s dreamed of. I feel him suck me right between his teeth and hold me hostage there as I push myself into his face, as I dance my fingertips against the top of his head so I don’t just grab him and pull him into me as deeply as I would my cuck, my girl, anything that I owned that I desperately wanted to use at that moment, but he’s giving me a run for my money anyhow. He bites so deliciously, like sinking his teeth into the flesh of a ripe peach and suddenly I’m spilling juices all of his face and the sounds that escape me aren’t quite human aren’t just ecstasy but a release that I’ve been seeking for weeks and months and ever since we started flirting and I can’t stop the sound and I can’t stop the cum and I can’t stop him from lapping it up like a thirsty dog who has never tasted the sweet nectar of the Goddess and who will never, ever be able to get enough after this. 

I laugh as I cum. The tears prick at the edge of my eyes and I can’t quite get off the wave of pleasure that he put me on but he doesn’t need me to dismount yet anyhow. I’m enjoying the roughness of his facial hair against my most sensitive flesh. I’m enjoying the way he holds onto me so I can’t wriggle away, even though I feel like I’m done. I like the way he changes from forceful biting to gentle licking, encouraging every drop from my body into his mouth. I look down and while I swear a moment ago our eyes were both closed and we had met in a realm of pure pleasure where I could see him clearly, now we are firmly rooted in reality and I can see his pale eyes fixated on me. Most wouldn’t think me shy, but I am, and just as I’m about to look away out of modesty, he winks.

[maelair]

Short Term Tragedy

One of the tragedies of short term relationships is when the marks on my body linger longer than the memory of me; when I set his birthday as my password to remember to celebrate and everything ends before it’s time to reset; when we finally make it past the temporary phase where we never look to the future and instead plan a date that comes and goes wistfully unfulfilled; the way the ghost of us haunts new and favorite places. Just one of these things is tragic - experiencing all over them over and over again is traumatic.

[maelair]

Little Lion Man

It was the first time that he asked for a ride. I was always happy to give him a safe ride but he was normally too proud to ask for it. We were celebrating a lot of things that night: promotions, vacations, love. Against all odds, things were working out between the three of us and there was euphoria in the air. It was time for a drink - one I’d never had before. He ordered and they delivered. As we took our shots he asked me one more time when I was leaving. I told him again and he looked at me as he checked his mental calendar. I’ll take you to the airport, he said. I laughed. This man only knows how to work. He can only commit to work. Even tonight, he couldn’t commit to going out with me, it just so happened that he could sneak away from work for a while and I jumped at the opportunity.

No, I tell him. We never know when he’s going to be needed and I didn’t want to rely on him being able to take us and then being left high and dry. I didn’t need his commitment, just his company, his companionship. He looked me right in the eye and he told me again that he would take me, because, he says, what if I never see you again? And it was then that I realized he’s afraid of flying. He doesn’t care that he’s about to get on his own plane, just two days after me. He doesn’t care if his plane goes down. He doesn’t care if he doesn’t make it out alive. He cares if my plane goes down, if I don’t make it out alive, and it’s one of the most pronounced ways he’s ever told me he loves me. 

The second best way for him to tell me that he loves me is to ask about my day, which is something he rarely does. For whatever reason, this was the day that he asked me how my day went. I told him that I was having a tough day, because of the leak of a political decision that was going to have an impact in my life. Not only my life, but every woman’s life. To put it in perspective for him, I told him it would also impact his daughter’s life. 

He looked away from me when I mentioned his daughter, as he always does, and I knew that the words were sinking in. He brushed them off as he always does with a tough subject but I knew he was listening - he always listened. He would bring it up another day, another time, reference it to let me know that it had taken - but for the moment he was out having fun, enjoying our company, and trying to figure out when we were going to see each other again.

My partner, our mutual friend, the beautiful soul that connected us in the first place, made a statement to follow up what I had just told him. I couldn’t hear what he said but as soon as the words left his mouth, everything shifted. I was watching his face and I saw him flash from contemplative to anger in a heartbeat. He asked for clarification because apparently he had heard what was said - I was still parsing. So he repeated it: slowly, calmly, enunciated. The stillness of the room, the stillness of the energy, the stillness of what was about to come shattered. He was off in a shot, drink doused on my partner, out the door. The whole restaurant stopped to look. Everyone jumped into action.

I panicked. I didn’t know where he had gone. My partner went in search of him while I tried to text. Then call. And then I was blocked. I called a boy of mine in Philadelphia and enlisted his help as well. I needed to make sure he was okay. He texted, confirmed he was okay, and that he did not want to be found - to leave him alone. Luckily my partner knew his best friend well and we were soon at his truck, to try one more time to reconcile. 

I yelled his name as he walked up to his own truck. He halted for just a second but then climbed right in. I opened his door and tried to get him to talk but he refused. I know things went poorly, I understood why he was upset, but this was not my doing and I’m unsure of why I’m being punished. And in his softest voice, with just the tiniest hint of his accent that only I can hear, he asked me for a week to himself, to calm down, to figure out what was going on. Please, he added, and I agreed. 

I watched him drive off and started the week long countdown in my head.

[maelair]

Nothing Is Sacred

He identifies as a dog.

Doggo mannerisms, thoughts, ways of being.

Primal at his core, he enjoys living presently, in the minute.

In the minute his feelings can fluctuate from happy to sad, to bored, to horny, to a pit of despair, to a euphoric high, flitting like pages of a book ruffling open in the breeze of the day.

We drink in one another and touch, flesh to flesh, speaking in a language that we both understand; feelings that we can parse without words to complicate ideas or toss connotations sideways. We feel and we enjoy and we spin off into our own worlds which collide into one another in soft ruptures. Tectonic.

As passion grows, as the moment swells, as we partake in one another, singing and crooning, swooning and swimming, as we twist into one another, pull each other under the surface, as we dive deeper and deeper into one another all we think about is being joined, being one, being intimately connected until we cannot tell where one has ended and the other begun and we only know that our hearts beat as one and each breath we take binds us closer together, deeper together.

There in the darkness of that moment, in horror and revelry, in stillness and chaos, we both erupt individually, together, cinching the bind that ties us together, inseparable, fusing us as one for Always.

In that moment, as he catches his breath, he lets out a ‘Woof’ and the sound emanates throughout my consciousness, takes me back to a room full of men that I admired, adorned in legacy, legendry, and sacrifice, breathing in deeply of the Leather code and authenticity, thick in my mouth and sweet like nectar as they each let out the same sound in reverence for a Truth that resonated deeply within the soul and core of their being, encouraging everyone else to be brave, to be vulnerable, to be themselves and as I am transported I associate these traits to the wolf pup that was never invited but always stays by my side.

He looks me in the eye, his feelings dripping from his every pore, soaking into me the adoration that he has for me and he repeats to me, as though speaking to an unseen part of me that will outlive my mortal form well into eternity, ‘Woof’.

And sometimes, as she hands him a dinner that was casually thrown together for the sake of any kind of nourishment, without intention or attention, he will look to her and woof twice.

Nothing is sacred.

[maelair]

The Wolf in the Woods

Days unfolded into weeks and at the end of each week there was time carved out for the Little Prince. Most often, they found themselves sitting around the bonfire with those similar to them. They did not linger long on any night because there were always plans that had been made, implements that needed to be used. Each night seemed quite similar in the tools that were used but that was not where the play typically came from. Those who watched sat far enough away that they could not hear the conversation taking place between them and it was in their words that the real magic took hold. 

There were some nights where instead of the bonfire, she took him to other parts of the forest. Most who wandered beyond the treeline were happy to shake almost everything from their lives before but some still liked some of the happenings they used to indulge in. Most also never set foot outside of the woods once they started building a life inside of them. One night a play, another night a ritual that he had expressed interest in learning more about. A couple of weeks were skipped because of other obligations that came with being the Queen of any kind of land. Their every week schedule slipped into every other, into when it could be. Times were supplemented by sneaking off together to his residence or deep into the woods. While he was welcome to join her in her own home, he rarely did. 

As the trees began to bloom again, as the land needed more tending, she found herself busier than usual. There were a few around who were able and willing to help but ultimately the responsibility fell to her shoulders and she bore the weight well, mostly. There was a moment of struggle in the darkest of moments and she lashed out, sharing that the burden of her work had worn her down and she could not spare any emotional bandwidth for taking care of how to speak or what to say or to entertain the idea that everything was just as fine as every other day when they certainly were not. That she could not handle being so gentle when she felt so easily dismissed. While the recovery from that seemed to be swift and fair, she could feel the schism grow from that point forth. 

Too often there were moments where a comment was made and she knew she should remark or guide but inside, she knew it would lead to her having to expend more energy than she would receive and so she stayed silent. Silence is the doom of any dynamic, she knew, and passivity would be the end of things entirely. However, at that time, as she was trying to regain her strength, passivity was all she could muster. 

Soon after her work was complete and she was able to find time in her life again to eat, drink, and celebrate with friends, she received a strange letter. It had been handed to her over breakfast as Boykin gave his morning report. She opened it, glanced over it, and dismissed it as business as usual until she came to the close of the correspondence. There, a single word stood out, a word out of place. She thought on it for a moment and then folded the letter up and stuffed it back in the envelope.

‘Ma’am, you do have quite the expression,’ he remarked, having watched her read the letter.

‘Boy, I need you to write a response for me. Invite this creature to our part of the woods.’ 

‘Oh?’

‘Yes boy. He’s been around. He’s not a stranger. His letter is strange, however.’ 

‘How so?’ 

‘Nevermind that. I want to see if it repeats first,’ she assured him as she drank her coffee. 

‘Yes Ma’am,’ he responded and then set to writing the letter. 

Each day another letter came and each time she responded, she sought out that single word in the correspondence that didn’t fit, the one that stood out. She ignored it each time, firstly thinking it was polite, then a mistake, and then certainly proof he had no idea what he was seeking. When he finally faltered in adding it to his closing, she took note of that as well. 

On her last written correspondence with him, she dictated to Boykin that he should come and visit. 

‘What do you think you’ll do with him?’ he asked, glancing from the paper as he wrote. 

‘I’m not certain yet. It will depend on what he has to offer, I suppose.’

There was little hesitation in accepting the offer to come and visit in her part of the woods. He brought with him the one he spoke of most in his correspondences and they set up temporary lodging right outside of her gates. She saw him walk in and out of the deeper woods each day but kept well within her own gates. There would come a time where they would meet and speak in person to one another but for right now, she simply wanted to observe. 

A day came where she would not be able to spend time with the Little Prince in a way that they typically scheduled. Instead, he stopped by as he planned to travel outside of the woods. He leaned against the gate and watched the new creatures walking around in the trees, puttering around in their camp. She came to the gate and offered to open it up for him to enter but he waved a hand and said, ‘No need. I’m just passing by but wanted to say hello.’ 

She tried to conceal her surprise, something the Boykin could not do. 

‘Hey, did you know there’s a wolf out here in the woods?’

She lifted her chin and looked to where he was gesturing now and then smiled. ‘Oh, yes. He’s been there for about a month now.’

‘I wonder what he’s doing out there.’

That she knew the answer to but kept quiet for a moment. Sometimes it was interesting to hear what he thought of situations. ‘Who’s with him?’

‘His Keeper.’

‘But she’s just a little girl!’

She arched a brow and glanced down to Boykin who was still watching the Prince. ‘She appears to be just a little girl, yes.’ 

‘Why would a little girl be with a wolf?’

She let out a soft laugh. ‘Because she is his Keeper. She looked for a pet and found one. Now she is bringing him to me.’

The Prince squinted and then looked back to her, his expression advertising that he felt greatly troubled by the fact that she was so close to such a feral animal. ‘I hope she doesn’t get hurt by that wolf.’

‘Her?’ she said, surprised by the question and the tone that escaped her. Curious if she was out of line, she glanced to her companion, but since his head was down and he was digging in the dirt with one claw, she knew for certain she was not overreacting. 

‘Should I go see if she needs anything?’ he questioned, already taking two steps towards the trees. 

‘I would not,’ she said firmly. ‘You know nothing of them or their dynamic. Not all is as it appears, Little Prince. Besides, you do not want to be late.’

He hesitated, not because of her warning, but because he might be late to his own affair. ‘Okay then,’ he said quietly. ‘I hope I’ll see you next week!’ 

Once the Prince had left, Boykin lifted his head and looked out to see the wolf slowly approaching the gate. ‘What do you call him, Ma’am?’

‘Tala,’ she said with a smile. 

He hesitated for a moment before saying, ‘Ma’am, that’s just another word for wolf.’

‘Yes boy,’ she said as she looked to him. ‘It is so that no matter what we never forget what he truly is.’

Then, he was at the gate, golden eyes glowing, fixated on her.

[maelair]

Little Prince 3

The letters that came as a result of planning to meet in a week’s time came quickly and often. He reiterated the instructions that she had give him and then let her know when he had accomplished each of the tasks. He reassured her that even though he had told a few his city dwelling name, they would likely not remember and he would identify differently from here on out. She was satisfied with what he told her.

Each day that drew closer to when she was supposed to meet him gave her new ideas to consider. Each time she considered that she was about to engage with someone so new to the woods, she had to consider what it was that she was doing. Modeling the behavior that she wanted to see in the woods is what she said outwardly, but inwardly there was something else stirring. There was some glimmer of hope for something that she had dismissed long ago. 

Finally the day arrived. His last letter was signed that he understood everything she was asking of him. That he would bring along all of the necessary tools that she requested he pack. Before he showed before her, he would have plenty of water in his system so that he was as healthy as he could be for her. The level of danger in this sort of play was minimal but she wanted him to take all kinds of play serious. This was the lesson that she wanted to pass along to him, the knowledge she felt he was going to need to know for when he moved beyond her, which she was certain he would do in a short amount of time. She was not the sort that most would want to engage with for a long period of time. Her pace was slow and steady, not flashy and fun like most others who were adventuring through the woods.

As he approached her, she smiled. He carried a bag with him and almost before greeting her, started showing her all of his belongings that he had packed. She held out his letter and ensured that he still felt confident and safe to all of the things that he had agreed to and he nodded enthusiastically. 

‘This will not be fun,’ she reminded him. ‘This is just practice.’ 

‘Mhm,’ he nodded. 

She settled down on the stump of a tree and folded her legs beside her as she clapped and demanded, ‘Get naked’. 

He hesitated for only a moment before laughing and undressing. The implement that she used on him did not bring a lot of pain at the time but had potential to, later, at another time. She only wanted him to feel the most mild of sensations so he could decide for himself if he liked what he felt or not. She was not facilitating an entire scene, she was not trying to take him to catharsis, she was simply trying to give him a memorable sensation. 

As she traversed his body, she asked questions. He was not unmarred, which was surprising for someone his age. He was open to talking about all that he had endured in his short life. She did the best she could to simply absorb the information and only casually chided him for not giving her all of these pertinent details before engaging in play with her. Luckily he had given her enough for her to assess that everything would remain safe for them to continue. 

While she dragged the implement over his body, she was watching his body language, listening to his breath, and trying to assess whether he was enjoying himself or not. He was talking, as she instructed him to do, but instead of talking about what they were doing, he would talk about whatever came to mind. At one point, he told the most absurd joke that caused her to pause and laugh. 

Despite having a real climax to the scene, she had taken him as far as she was willing to go that night with someone who had never had such a tool used on them. She declared the scene over and instructed him on how to clean up and pack his things away. He did so quickly, taking instructions well, and when done they sat together to talk some more. 

He asked if they might be able to keep talking, corresponding, and maybe try something else the next bonfire night. She agreed. She agreed over and over again, week after week, following along with the things he thought he wanted to try. She had the implements - she’d had them for years. They used to mean something to her but lately they had just been gathering dust. Tools were not the same to her any longer, not without someone eagerly asking to see and experience them. 

Soon, she found herself recharged in a way that she didn’t anticipate. She talked about the quality of her implements and where each of them came from. She recounted the nights she had used them before, the scenes that she had developed, the connection they had inspired and she realized that had been what she was missing all along. 

Years ago she had abandoned the city dwelling she was certain she loved but never fit into. She wagered part of her soul that she could do better in the woods and she shunned everything she had ever known. Though she had one who followed then as well, he refused to follow her into the woods. He refused to take one step into the woods alongside her. Instead, he waited at the tree line for her to emerge, time and time again, until the last time she emerged he said he couldn’t wait for her any longer. She should have found what she was looking for by now and realized that she was making a mistake. That the follower she had in the woods wasn’t better than the one she had out of the woods and if she wouldn’t immerse herself entirely in one world or the other, he couldn’t stand by and wait any longer. 

The woods had been her home, her heart, and her soul for so many years and in the beginning it was how she connected with everyone. Once she found her family, those who understood her best, she was certain she was done. She settled down, settled in, and counted her blessings that she’d found the ones she had. At one point there had been hope that there would be another, but time and time the hope was dashed. Time and time again she was proven wrong until she couldn’t stand the thought of being wrong again. 

Even still, with this weekly standing date, she was certain that he would take, absorb, and move along. So certain that as the town prepared for the annual formal event that all of her family would be attending together, she was sure to only introduce him by his new Woods name, as a new plaything for her to toy with for a while, and warned them all that this was going to be a short lived affair. 

That night, as everyone showed up in their finest clothing, with their finest implements, and the finest food they could prepare to share with everyone else, they took up an entire station in the deep woods. Though they were deep, they were mellow. They spoke with one another and each portion of the family drifted in and out as they so chose. Even he invited some acquaintances in and allowed them to watch and a place to leave their things before wandering off to see other, more serious scenes. 

Each member of the family interacted with another and there were sounds of delight from every person. Giggles, laughter, squeals, moans, and yelps escaped their mouths as their hands touched, as their hearts felt, as their souls connected. The joy that ran between them, that bound them together as a family, was palpable that night. 

He approached her and offered, ‘I prepared something to read to you tonight.’

She glanced to her family and then nodded to him, leading him away to some darkness, to some quiet, to hear more about what he had prepared. He drew out a letter that wasn’t addressed, something he hadn’t intended to send her, but something that was meant strictly to be read. She settled in next to him and focused on him while he started recounting the different points in his life that led him right to where he was now. He talked about the things that frightened him, the things that plagued him, the things that threatened his life. He talked about the despair and then the hope. He talked about how easy it could have been to give in on any of the many occasions but how instead he chose to push forth, to savor each moment that he had, and how glad he was that his decisions led him to where he was now. When he was done reading, he looked to her, and all she could do was smile. 

‘Come, boy,’ she said, and led him back to the family, to the golden glow of joy that lit up their portion of the woods. ‘Get naked,’ she instructed with a smile and she prepared to show him how much joy he could experience now, in this moment, in this time, and in this place. 

[maelair]

Little Prince Part 2

Shortly after the scene had wrapped up before her very eyes, her night dwindled down as well. Most that had come out to play were retiring to the Tavern or to their own rooms. There was some conversation that was taking place but the words carried no weight. They were like feathers blowing on the wind, never to be seen again. The sight of them blowing away might be remembered but what they meant in the moment would be lost on everyone forever.

Her companion joined her in her room but not her bed. They had created a comfortable space on the floor near to her, but that was as close as he was allowed for the time being. She still had thinking and sorting to do. She wanted him near, for certain, but the level of intimacy that she was able to provide was less than before. She knew that she would have to address it at some point but for tonight it was best to sleep alone. As she closed her eyes, she thought back to those she had witnessed tonight. Though she knew deep in her heart that he would return to that very station in a minimal amount of time, it did not stop her from wondering what would happen if he could not return: had he made other arrangements for his Companion? Who would be responsible for her? She regretted not bringing any of that up to him but she didn’t want to worry him either. And, as she knew, he would return.

When she woke in the morning, she went to the Tavern alone. She allowed her Companion to sleep in the room as their schedules had differed enough last night that he probably needed some rest. As she settled in to take her drink, she felt that effervescent presence near her once more. It reminded her of when she first met her own Companion, the way that he would wait for her to arrive in the mornings. And, similarly, he bore a letter that he handed her. 

‘It was great to meet you last night,’ he started, as he handed the letter to her. ‘If you don’t have the time or inclination, I understand.’ 

She glanced to the letter that he was offering her and paused for a moment. She was not expecting to come across him again and especially not so soon. Sure, she had given him her address, but she had dismissed him last night in such a way that she doubted she would even be memorable to him.

He smiled at her. She took the letter and tore it open. ‘Sit down,’ she instructed and he did just that. The Tavern that had been filling with voices seemed to quiet down as he settled in near to her. She read over his words quickly and took in what he had to say. Right from the beginning he allowed her to pass on corresponding with him, thanking her for the time she’d already invested in talking to him. He followed with a few questions that were simple, could be answered easily, and she placed the letter down.

The glow of the Tavern seemed to dim as she focused in on him. In exchange, it was almost as though he seemed to start to glow. She wrapped her fingers around the warm cup she was drinking from and drew in a deep breath. This was a road she had traveled many times before and it always stopped abruptly. If she was polite, kind, she might satisfy the requirement that was apparently laid out before her. ‘Tell me what you know of the woods.’

‘I know that traditionally there are Leaders and followers. I know that they are supposed to work together in order to have an experience with one another.’

She nodded as she absorbed his words, not different than what anyone else might say if anyone asked about the woods. The woods were not for everyone. In fact, most people preferred the city where there were constructs and structures and ease of living. Where everything fit into a formula and there were general expectations that were easy to meet. In the woods, expectations were set by Leaders and accomplished by followers and there was no ease in that. The camaraderie came from going through experiences, not from having the same expectations. 

‘I know that sometimes when a Leader and a follower choose to engage specifically with one another to experience what the other has to offer, they become Companions. I know that a Leader can have more than one Companion.’

‘Good,’ she answered, listening for what else he wanted to offer. 

‘I think that someday I might want to be a Leader,’ he told her. 

Excellent, she thought to herself. If he wants to be a Leader, then I have nothing I need to offer him. 

‘But right now, I want to learn to follow.’

Just as she had settled into understanding that she was simply there to listen, that she wasn’t going to have to engage on any deeper level, the world shifted. She heard the shift. The shift was physical to her. She braced herself to continue with the conversation.  He started to engage on the level of following he would be interested in and drew out the map that he had stowed away. 

‘I’ve heard that over here, I can learn a little about...’ and he pointed to the map. She couldn’t conceal her smile when she saw where he wanted to go. For whatever reason, almost everyone she had met who was new to the woods ended up in the exact same starting point and that amused her tremendously.

‘Yes, it is possible to have that experience in that part of the woods. I think it would be easy for you to find a Leader who would facilitate that for you as well, as long as they have the proper tools for it.’ 

He brightened, lit up more than he already had been. ‘Do you know of anyone?’

She sipped her drink and nodded. ‘I possess those tools. We could set you up so that you could use the tools on yourself for the sake of the sensation. We could practice talking to one another for me to use the tools on you so that you can get a feel for what it will be like when you seek your own partner. We could plan to meet there at the next bonfire. I should still be in town.’

The words flew from her before she could even consider what she was doing. This was quite unlike her. She preferred to talk about structures and dynamics, not implements and sensations. But she could already see the eyes that were focusing in on him. She could see the attention that he was garnering just from sitting in the Tavern with his enthusiasm evident for all to see. Just like she felt towards some of her previous followers, she felt towards him, and she wanted to ensure that he would have good experiences in the Woods. She knew better than some how quickly things could go wrong. 

‘I’d like that,’ he answered, his smile radiant. 

‘It will require two things of you,’ she warned. ‘One is that I will send you a letter in the mail outlining what we will be doing, what we are trying to achieve, how we will go about doing that, and you will need to sign off on it before I will engage.’

He nodded. 

‘The second is that you are going to have to identify...differently.’ 

He tipped his head to the side, not quite understanding. 

She pressed her fingertips against her warm cup, trying to figure out how to word her warning. ‘Not everyone in the Woods is chivalrous,’ she started. ‘The identifier you gave me last night when we spoke is too true. It speaks too much of who you were. You are too identifiable.’ She understood that she spoke as though those who dwelled in the Woods were dangerous and while that wasn’t entirely true, the Woods did come with some danger. ‘This is your time to shed who you used to be, the city dweller, and identify as who you are.’ 

 ‘Have you ever gone by any other name? Have you ever identified as anything else?’ she asked. 

He thought for a moment and then he offered, ‘I did have this one name, a while back, while I was planning on entering the Woods. I didn’t go then but I was thinking about it.’ 

‘Great,’ she answered. ‘Use that instead. That will be how you’re formally known in the Woods from here on out. Do you have any nicknames that you’ve enjoyed before that you might want to hear used now that you are in the Woods? Something a Leader might call a follower, that is.’

He listed several different names that are usually reserved for intimate partners and most of them were the sorts that she despised. Until he reached a particular one. She was surprised to hear him say it and even more surprised that he said it to her. She concealed her reaction the best that she could and instead nodded, thanking him for sharing with her those more intimate details of preferences. 

‘I will expect your return response to my letter before Saturday and then we will meet right where you showed me on the map. If you change your mind before then, my feelings won’t be hurt. Communicate well though so I know what to expect.’ 

She rose from her seat and left her coins next to her empty cup. He pivoted in his seat and said, ‘Thank you! For the conversation and the opportunity.’ 

‘You’re welcome,’ she said sweetly as she started back to her room, to her Companion, where she could question what she was truly offering and what her intentions behind any of it were. 

[maelair]

Little Prince Part 1

She walked through the forest this night, like every other night. Her companion was close by but not immediately at her side. He was foraging, working, mending the unspoken fracture that had occurred when he had come to visit her home town, her family. There had been an energy, a slight, something that she realized she wouldn’t be able to immediately rectify the way that she wanted to. Their days together had been quieter than usual although she tried to create some closeness through usual tasks, through opportunities to serve. She maintained her responsibility to him, to the relationship, to the dream she still held onto about making him exactly what she wanted. 

Tonight there was a gathering by the bonfire in a town nearby. There would be visitors there that she was acquainted with and had received notice in the mail that they wanted to see her. While she didn’t feel particularly bound to them or the invitation, she felt that it might be good to be around others, for them to witness how others interacted, to remind them of where they could be or where they were going. She led them through the forest, down the path, and into the edge of town as the bonfire was just beginning.

Almost immediately she laid eyes upon those who had sent her an invitation but she walked around the perimeter of the gathering first, to ensure that she knew the space it was going to occupy, what the other stations of excitement were going to be, and to see if she recognized anyone else that might be in attendance. When there was no one else of interest or need for acknowledgement discovered by her, she returned to where the fire grew. 

She exchanged pleasantries with the couple that looked similar to her and her companion. They spoke of the time they had spent together in her home town, of the lessons they had learned together. He spoke to her about what was going on in his life and shared that his female companion was struggling with his Leading, especially because of the turmoil they had recently found themselves in. She listened and nodded, for she knew what he spoke of. She had already heard the news and knew that there would be much suffering between the two of them. But she also smiled and assured him, ‘This time next year will be better.’

He feigned a smile and a nod before changing the subject. He spoke of the different areas that he and his companion had been exploring and she delighted in hearing about those tales, the distraction of sorrow that they seemed so well settled into. New faces began to gather around the fire, some she recognized and some she didn’t. He spoke of sort of activity that didn’t necessarily intrigue her but it caught the attention of one of the new faces near the fire and he joined the conversation. Finding that to be the perfect time to slip away, she did just that.

She mentioned to her companion some of the issues of the one she’d been speaking with just a moment ago and he nodded his head. He understood the severity of the situation. These were moments that could break a relationship and make it irreparable. Not everyone was good at recognizing those kinds of moments or movements. He was good enough at Leading to understand what was happening and she respected him for that for certain.

‘I’m going to sit here and hope that someone will come and visit this station to entertain me.’ Her companion nodded and then graciously asked permission to wander to the other stations. In his time around these types, he had seen plenty of impact play and this station did not hold his heart the same way that it held hers. Because there was no service required and not even anything to see yet, she allowed him to wander, to mingle, to look. 

Eventually the male from the campfire wandered over to where she had settled in. He spoke with her privately for a bit about how not only was this event in his life having an effect on his relationship but how it was personally affecting him. He shared his concerns, his anxiety, his grief for what he was going through. She sat and listened as she had before, until he found a place of such deep sorrow that he couldn’t continue talking and wept instead. It was her teaching, her belief, that each creature should be allowed to feel their feelings without interruption, without the programming that is attributed with emotion to help make the witnesses feel more comfortable and so she remained seated, witnessing him, until she realized that he may not understand or appreciate all that she was doing. Breaking protocol would have been impossible for her when she was younger but now that she was slightly older and understood perspectives more rationally, she stood and offered, ‘Would you like a hug?’. At first he hesitated as though he was going to decline her but then his head nodded. She wrapped him up and held him for a moment, allowing him to cry into her. He dabbed at his eyes and thanked her and she said nothing at all but instead smiled at him. 

‘Would you care to play tonight? I am in search of entertainment and I haven’t had the pleasure of watching you play.’

He nodded his head again and got his voice under control long enough to say, ‘Yes,’ although then he paused and his voice began to shake again as he added, ‘It may be my last time playing with her. She deserves a good memory.’ 

She continued to smile and gave a soft nod of her head to acknowledge his fear without injecting her own reaction to it. He went to the campfire to gather his things, his companion, and returned. She told him, ‘I will bear witness,’ and he nodded, understanding that she spoke in response to his greatest fear. 

Memories are quick to fade, to betray us. They morph and they change against our will. Sometimes, an experience can change to a memory and if no one else is there to see or witness what happened, it is easy to forget it took place. It is easy to convince ourselves that no such thing happened. It is easy to deny the magic of the moment, of emotion, of the entire experience if there is no one to corroborate the story. Bearing witness to an experience is a sacred duty she was more than familiar with and so offering to do so was not for him at all, they both knew, but for his companion should he not return. She did not offer lightly and he did not accept blindly. 

As he unveiled all of his implements, he proudly presented them to her. Some were variations of those she was familiar with and so she asked politely if he might test them out on her arm. Startled, he drew the implement closer to his body, verifying he understood her request correctly. ‘You want me to hit you with this?’ he questioned, dancing dangerously close to asking if she was sure about something - a golden rule almost all knew not to break. ‘Yes,’ she confirmed, her voice even and cool. ‘I want you to hit me on my forearm with that so I know what it feels like.’

He did. Almost too cautiously. She closed her eyes and let the follow through sensation land before she commented on what had taken place. ‘I could enjoy using something like that,’ she said. He paraded a few more before her and she made the same request of each of them. The final one was more brutal than the rest and he had gotten quite comfortable with her request at that time. He warned that this was the worst of them all and once he struck her flesh she tilted her head to the side, questioning what he thought was terrible, until the sting sweetened the thud she had felt a moment ago. ‘Oh, you’re right, that is terrible,’ she laughed. He looked quite pleased that she was so entertained with his toys and his assessment of them.

Just then, his companion arrived, and he excused himself. There was work to be done. Those who had been waiting alongside her for entertainment seemed to excuse themselves as well. Perhaps they understood the importance of the moment and excused themselves from the responsibility of bearing witness. Perhaps they did not understand the importance of the moment and moved away blindly. Either way she was settled in and comfortable, ready to watch whatever happened before her. 

As their scene began and she watched the way that he danced around her, a new creature approached. He asked if he could sit next to her and she gave a nod of her head. The seat was empty and she was preoccupied. She was certain that she would seem rude to someone who did not know who she was but that was not her current concern. She was watching the female companion squirm and squeal before her, enjoying the moments of connection she was getting to experience. 

The one next to her introduced himself briefly and she glanced at him but gave him very little attention, very little feedback. For a moment she wanted to scold him - did he not see what was taking place right there in front of him? Could he not see and feel the act of intimacy right in front of his own eyes? Did he not grok bearing witness in silence, in solitude? He spoke of how he had just started his adventure. He had only been on the path for a week or so and how he was enjoying every moment after he made his decision to begin. No, of course he had no idea. He couldn’t have had any idea. No one at that bonfire was going to teach him. No one even this far out in the woods would teach him. There were only three present that had any idea what was going on at the moment and none of the three had time to teach him.

So she smiled at him, forgiving him his ignorance, but also kept an eye on what was happening in front of her. They had fallen quiet, for the most part, and as the scene died down, they collapsed to the ground together. He pulled her into him and she sobbed, deep and uncontrollable. Though she couldn’t see him, she was certain that he wept again. 

The creature to her side paused and looked at those in front of him. This was not usually how adventures were advertised. Especially not adventures deep in the woods. She smiled at him once more and asked him, ‘How did you get here?’ and he gave a response that was satisfactory to her although she would never remember his exact words. No matter what he said, it was hard to believe he had gotten this far down the trail without any assistance at all. 

‘May I have your address?’ he asked, as it was customary to ask around these parts. Everyone was always seeking connection and the towns were so far apart from one another that it was great to get to visit, to get to know one another when they could. She often didn’t, as her address usually gave away more information than she wanted someone new to know, but he seemed so sweet. So innocent. So she recited it quickly and he eagerly took the information. It was then that her own Companion returned, listening to her prattle off her information, making a face that certainly almost all of the rest of the guests would understand but this sweet creature wouldn’t know what to make of. She gestured to him that all would be fine, he needn’t worry, and he settled his expression the best that he could. 

He thanked her for talking to him, though she felt like she barely said anything at all, and wished her a good night as she rose and departed. She smiled to herself, almost giddy with the entire interaction. As she and her companion left town, to settle in for the night under the stars as they often did, he asked her quietly, ‘Does he not know?’

‘Of course not,’ she replied. ‘He is new to the path.’ 

‘How did he get so deep into the woods already?’, he asked. 

‘He arrived on his own, is the answer I think you’re truly seeking.’

‘Yes Ma’am,’ he answered.

‘Go to sleep,’ she told him. ‘I’m exhausted and we both need rest.’

‘Yes Ma’am,’ he said, yawning right after.

[maelair]

I keep looking into the eyes of those I love, hoping to see the love I pour into them reflected back at me. But no one can love like I can. No one can love as deeply, passionately, intensely. The only way to feel the love I give is to love myself as much as I love others.

[maelair]

Leading and Following Part 5

After thanking the Tree for the wisdom and advice, taking in all of the wind and the scent and the answers that were given, I found myself walking back towards the path with some enthusiasm in my own step. I knew I had wandered off just long enough that the creature may wonder where I had gone and I did not want to concern him. 

When I reached camp, I found that each of my instructions had been followed. I was greeted by a small, blazing fire that would provide just enough warmth for us to sit and talk by if we wanted to. I saw that the door to the cabin was propped open by the satchel he had been carrying with no complaint all day. I did not see the creature although I was not concerned by his temporary disappearance and I was right to not be concerned, for it was only a matter of moments before he came scurrying into sight. 

In his arms he carried some more sticks that he dropped by the fire. He dusted himself off and looked to me with a smile. He reported right away, ‘The clearing is also empty if you prefer to sleep there.’

‘Good Boykin,’ I told him as I looked around. 

He let out a sound that I had never heard before, something between a groan and a purr, and his expression was one of pure delight. I was startled and if his eyes were open I am certain he would have responded to my uncertainty right away, but they were closed and his head was tipped back the way I had seen before.

At first thought, I had considered that perhaps that was the way he had to be angled in order to make the curious sound that had escaped him. As I studied his posture and took in other subtle cues from his body language, I deciphered that it had nothing to do with how his vocal chords worked and had everything to do with how his mind and his submission worked instead. I felt a smirk cross my face and I was almost surprised by my own reaction.

‘I think the cabin will do for tonight,’ I told him. He nodded his head, eyes still closed, but whispered to me, ‘Yes, Ma’am’. 

I went to put my things down in the cabin and he had opened his eyes and started to follow. As I started unpacking my bag with the things I would need to rest that night, he was gathering his. I watched as he removed everything that he had set in the room and moved them out by the fire. As he entered to clean up the last of what he had set down in the cabin, I told him, ‘We should eat.’

He smiled and seemed to brighten considerably. We went to the fire and he pulled out his own rations and I pulled out my own as well. They looked dramatically different in that I had rations that would last for a while: dried fruit, salted meat, and nuts. He pulled out decadent sweets and breads and pastries - things that tasted delicious now but would hardly last for the time that we would be out on our adventure. He glanced between what we both had packed and offered me that very boyish smile that I had seen before. 

‘Would you like some?’ he asked me, offering up a pastry that looked tasty, no doubt. 

Unsure of if I wanted to indulge right away but not wanting to miss the opportunity, I answered, ‘Save the last bite for me.’

His eyes widened and he nodded his head enthusiastically but otherwise he ate quietly and watched me. 

I started talking about the sorts of things that I would enjoy in my next companion while he ate and listened, a captive audience.

‘At home, I don’t do anything having to do with the meals.’ I started. ‘I don’t forage and I don’t cook. This is done for me so I can focus on other things, such as preparing maps or going on adventures. This is very convenient for me while I am home but it is rougher when I am out.’ I gestured to the dried fruits and meats to illustrate my point and he nodded along. 

‘I can take care of meals,’ he offered.

I pointed to the sweets that he had displayed. ‘Can you cook more than that?’ I asked.

He giggled softly and answered with an enthusiastic nod. 

‘That is a good skill for a Follower to have.’

‘If it is a skill that pleases you, it is a good skill to have.’ 

While it might not have been the first time that he spoke specifically of serving me, I was still adjusting to hearing it, and I know that I moved from that subject quite quickly and simply hoped he would not catch on.

‘Was that a service that you offered in your past dynamic?’

He nodded and spoke more about the foods he knew how to gather, prepare, and cook. He talked about the amount of people he had cooked for in the past and the expectations that had been put on him. He spoke of them in such a way that he sounded as though he enjoyed that sort of service but that he did not have to serve that way in order to be happy and I felt relief. It allowed me space to consider that perhaps that was something I could have in my life if I wanted it but no pressure to provide the opportunity to serve in that manner.

I spoke of how I had a hard time keeping tidy at times and how I needed assistance in making sure that things were kept organized and that they could be given to me when I asked for them without having to search. He admitted that it might not be a strong suit of his now but that he was willing to learn. Because I travel lightly, I did not think that would be much of a problem and told myself I would have to train him in that area but that training was acceptable. 

I warned him, ‘When we stop in cities I like to speak with particular people but not everyone. I do not enjoy socializing. I prefer to attend to business, have intellectual discussions, and move on my way.’ He nodded and told me that he understood.

I sat for a moment while I thought about what other information he might need to know if he was going to continue down this path with me. I put a piece of meat into my mouth to chew while I thought and instinctively, as I do with those of mine who dine with me, put a piece directly into his mouth as well. He graciously accepted and gingerly took the meat from my fingers without saying a word. When I realized what I had done and looked to him for visual confirmation that he was okay with what I had done, I saw that bright pink across his cheeks once more. 

‘That probably doesn’t taste delicious after what you just ate,’ I said, although I was tickled at the idea that he hated the very taste of it behind the sweet bread he was eating and endured it for me anyhow.

His eyes only widened as he continued to chew and I figured that meant he was fine with it and could correct me later when he was done chewing if he wanted to.

‘I have a particular schedule that I keep every day. There is little room for flexibility. I rise early and go to bed early.’ 

Again he nodded to show understanding for what I was saying.

‘I noticed that there were some areas on the map that you had marked that I have no interest in. I’ve already searched those areas and I doubt there is anything there that will hold my attention. I think that you should explore those areas with someone else.’ 

I waited for his response to this one, to see how he handled being told I would not take him somewhere.

‘They are not important,’ he assured me. ‘I would rather go where you want to go and where you have not explored before.’

I was skeptical and so I pushed forward on the topic. ‘There are some areas that you have not marked that I really want to explore. There are some skills I want to acquire and I need a partner willing to practice them with me. A partner that understands that I may not be good at them to begin with and accept that.’ 

He nodded a little slower but nodded nonetheless. ‘There are some skills that would frighten me at first but I am certain that I could still be a partner for them to be practiced.’

‘You don’t even know what skills I’m taking about.’

He looked to the ground and shrugged lightly. ‘I’m having a hard time thinking of anything that you might want to do that I wouldn’t be willing to try.’

This was something that I had heard from Followers before, those trying to secure a place, somewhere, anywhere. While I didn’t have that general feel from him, I still felt myself questioning whether he was being authentic and true. 

He was watching me, watching my expression, and seemed to understand the concern that I wasn’t quite expressing. ‘What I mean to say is that you conduct yourself responsibly, with integrity, and while a particular skill or activity might be frightening to me, with you I would feel safe enough to try and I want that opportunity to try.’

I remained quiet, searching him, waiting for a caveat to what he said. When he offered none, I reached out next to him, where he had placed the last bite of his sweet bread on the parchment it had been wrapped in, and placed it in my mouth. So far, everything was delicious. 

‘There is just one thing left to mention,’ I warned. 

‘Yes, Ma’am?’

‘If I take on another companion, I want to be able to use that companion in any way that I desire. I want to be able to touch and feel my companion at any given moment, in any single way I want. I have gone enough years guiding others without making this request of them, sacrificing the connection I could have had with them, to make them feel more comfortable. There are things I desire that no one has ever been able to give me and while I don’t think you could possibly fulfill everything, I have enjoyed your enthusiasm so far.’ I paused and searched his face. He did not hide from me, bashful as he was known to be. He kept his eyes on me as I took this break and waited patiently for me to continue. ‘Have you provided service like this before?’

He drew in a breath before answering. ‘I have made myself available for service like you’ve described and have been used very little. I am fine either way.’

I wanted clarification. ‘You are content if your Leader decides they do not want to use you in any sexual fashion?’

‘Yes Ma’am,’ he answered, but furthered his thought. ‘While I appreciate affection, it is intimacy that I truly desire, and that can come from lots of things. Not just sex.’ 

‘And if I want to use you? If I want to be able to use your body, if I want to use your mouth, and never feel rejection from you? Even if it is not in ways that pleases you?’

‘If it pleases you, it pleases me,’ he answered. 

‘Boykin, you may not quite understand what you are offering yourself up to here,’ I warned. ‘You do not know what interests me, you do not know how I might want to use you, you do not know the depravity that lurks in the shadow of who I am.’

I waited. I waited and I watched as he squirmed just a bit. I watched as he opened his mouth to reply and then closed not only his mouth but his eyes as well. ‘It might not be right but it is true when I say that if it pleases you, it pleases me.’ 

I felt a shift at that precise moment. I felt a shift inside of me and I felt a shift outside of me. What he was saying to me was utterly palpable and I understood in that moment what the trees had been trying to say to me. All of what they were trying to say was slowly enveloping me in an energizing mist, in a feeling I hadn’t felt in nearly a decade. The energy that coursed through the world ceased for just a moment so that I could feel just the energy that coursed through us and it was almost overwhelming. The path was clear and all I had to do was take it. 

‘Why weren’t you used for sexual service?’ I asked him directly. There had to be more information here somewhere that would explain how he could answer every call I had ever put out into the Universe and sit before me, an unowned creature, a creature without a Leader, free and available and offering himself to me. 

‘Those that Lead me had different preferences than what I had to offer,’ he answered. ‘I am quite passive.’

I tilted my head, just a bit, and continued to stare at him, hoping he would give me more information. ‘There has to be more to it than that.’ 

That flush across his cheeks darkened and he started to drag a claw through the dirt in front of him as he contemplated what additional information might be needed. 

‘Undress,’ I ordered him. 

He rose immediately and removed the shirt that he was wearing with no hesitation. He paused for just a moment and I gestured for him to remove the rest of his clothing as well. He removed his pants, letting them drop and settle into the dirt where he stood, and then waited. 

‘Pick up your clothing and fold it. Set it here next to me’ I remembered that he needed help being organized and it gave me time to watch him, to study his body, as he moved. 

He was not lithe by any means but that was evident before he had removed his clothing. He kept his arms at his side and his eyes cast down. His cheeks were still pink but the rest of his body was the same shades that I had seen throughout. There didn’t seem to be anything irregular about him that would deter anyone from using him. 

‘Are you aroused?’ I asked.

He swallowed before he replied. ‘Very much so.’

‘Do Boykin have sheaths?’

He looked down at his body and then looked back at me. ‘I forgot,’ he said, almost as an apology. 

‘Tell me more,’ I instructed, but even as I was saying it, he was reaching down and unfastening what seemed to be a soft, leather piece that he had been wearing. 

‘My last Leader enjoyed having me nude frequently but did not want me to be offensive and so she had this made for me.’

The leather piece that he held in his claws was painted to match his coloration perfectly. It was thicker than I originally thought, to blend with his body, so that he looked sheathed. I understood immediately it was so that he could hide any evidence of arousal and that was what he meant by offensive. That his arousal could be construed as offensive. 

‘I’m curious,’ I said softly as I pushed his arms out of the way of his body, so that he was standing on display for me. I hadn’t spent much time wondering what he looked like because it had only been very recently that I had considered taking him on a Follower, let alone the kind of Companion that I was talking about now, but I surely had not imagined that this was what he was going to look like. 

Without thinking about what I was doing, I reached out and wrapped my fingers around him. His body stiffened and I heard that soft sound from him again and I connected it to before, understanding with great clarity that it was a sound of arousal then and again now. His breath escaped him but he held himself still.

‘I can’t understand why they wouldn’t want to use this,’ I told him.

What I meant to say was that I knew exactly why they wouldn’t use him in the way companions might traditionally be used for sexual service and it had everything to do with the thick bulge in the middle of his shaft. I could understand why some might be intimidated by that, especially if they were not anticipating that he might present that kind of challenge from his softer body and soft approach. Discovering something like this might quite a surprise.

‘Thank you Ma’am’ he barely whispered. 

‘Get dressed. All of it.’ He hurried to put everything back on the way it had been just moments before. When he was done, he stood still, waiting quietly for his next set of directions. I watched him, entertained by how quickly he worked to accomplish what I asked of him. ‘Put out the fire. Tidy up. You’ll sleep on the floor of my cabin.’ 

‘Yes Ma’am,’ was all he replied and I retired to my cabin before he was finished. I undressed and pulled out the blankets that I had packed for myself and curled up on the bed. It wasn’t long before he entered the cabin quietly, carefully.

I heard him pull out some of his own things and heard his blanket fall to the ground across the room. ‘Be close enough that I can touch you, if I want to,’ I instructed.

I heard him reply as he did to all direct commands and bring his blanket over to the side of the bed. 

As he settled to the floor and stilled himself, as I laid in the bed and looked up to the ceiling, a desire flooded over me that I was unsure about. It was a foreign feeling for me, a call I didn’t often answer. But if I was going to indulge in anything, this was my preferred way of indulging. 

‘Boykin, edge for me. Take yourself right to the brink of release and stop there. Don’t go over.’ 

‘Yes Ma’am,’ he answered, and I could hear him adjust. I listened to the sounds of his body shifting against his blanket. I listened to the uneven breaths that he took. I listened to that strange purr of his which eventually turned into the softest groan which elicited a strong response in me. When his groan shifted to a quiet whimper and I heard him still his body, I rolled over and was pleased to see that I could see his face in the sliver of moonlight that washed over the floor. 

‘How passive are you?’

‘So passive,’ was all he could get out before I moved from the bed to straddling him. I let him press against me, felt his warmth, his thickness before I shifted and pushed him inside of me. I slowed to work myself over the knot that I know had frightened others away but as he slid deeper into me I simply laughed. The pleasure that I felt was incomparable to what I’d experienced before. For a moment after I remained mostly still, simply rocking back and forth. I listened for his sounds, his groans, his whimpering. He remained true to his word, passive and still, open for me to touch and use however I wanted. 

I stroked the side of his face with just my fingertips and  heard him inhale sharply. I cupped his face in my hands and picked up some speed. His voice, when he spoke, shook. ‘Ma’am,’ he started and stopped, swallowing hard, ‘I’m so very close to the edge.’

I leaned down to press my chest to his, my hands dropping to brace myself on the ground beside his head. I brushed my cheek against his as I whispered to him, ‘Of course you are, my Boykin. My pleasure is your pleasure.’ 

As he repeated those last words back to me, I felt the wetness of his tears against the cheek that pressed against his face and he felt the wetness of pent up, unreleased desire wash all over him. 

When I was done using him, I climbed back to the bed and wrapped myself up with my blanket. He remained on the edge, his breath ragged, as I told him to go to sleep. He answered as I had predicted and then I waited. I waited for protest. I waited for complaint. I waited for him to argue with me about what had just happened. I waited for him to beg for release, to try to change my mind about how I had handled things. What I heard instead was, ‘Thank you for using me Ma’am’.

I laid awake in bed long after I heard him drop off to sleep. His breathing had changed but the room felt peaceful. There was a stillness that I hadn’t felt or been comfortable in for a number of years. He wasn’t anything like what I thought I was looking for. I would have never suspected it would have been him. For a while I thought it could never be him. But I always leave room to be surprised.

When the light of the sun crept across the floorboards of the cabin, I saw him sprawled out on his blanket, a soft plush near his head that I had not seen the night before. That sweetness brought a smile to my face, a feeling of affection that I was surprised to feel, and it only helped me to feel right in my decision. 

I straddled his thighs and he whispered good morning to me. I told him I was going to touch him and that it was imperative that he was still. He answered affirmatively. The metal I held in my hand was warm and I pushed it inside of him. His body responded immediately. 

‘This next part will feel strange,’ I warned and he let out a soft groan. I pushed the metal circle in right behind where the hollow rod had gone. I had to manipulate his body just a bit to get it to rotate and once I did, I pulled the strings attached to the hollow rod through the circle of metal until they slid together. Then I pulled the strings further, until he was stretched to full length for me to admire. He opened his eyes and looked at what I was doing. 

‘I needed to make sure it was secure,’ I explained. ‘You can touch it now if you want to,’ I said, as I pulled the strings through and out of the metal entirely.

I watched him run touch, poke, prod. I watched him push and pull. I monitored to ensure that it was working the way that I wanted it to. He lifted his head, his eyes on mine as he ran over the lip of the metal that poked slightly above his skin and then pushed it back inside of his body. He looked as though he wanted to ask but didn’t want to be disappointed. This moment of not knowing would have to do.

‘Your name is Kai and you are mine.’ 

He rested his head back to the ground. A moment later his body shuddered beneath me. He shook and he covered his face for a moment, letting his emotional release wash over him. I rested my hand on his chest while I waited. When he was able to draw in a breath deep enough to respond, he mustered, ‘My name is Kai and I am Yours.’ 

[maelair]

Leading and Following Part 4

The next morning I lay awake in my bed, staring at the ceiling, one hand over my stomach as I felt each new breath that I drew in. I thought about how I had wanted to travel this path with my original companion and I exhaled that deep desire from my body. I drew in a breath thinking about how he had said the right words, mostly, but how he ended up somewhere completely different than me and I exhaled that longing from my body. I thought about how he had made me feel when he called me Guide, awakened something I didn’t even know still existed, and I exhaled to let that excitement out. I drew in a deep breath and held it. I thought about how he had given something that he said was based on merit and taken it away the very next day, even though the merit hadn’t changed. I realized that my draw to him had been that he seemed capable of surrendering so wholly, so completely, as though he was driven to be led as the primary drive of his life but how it was a mirage, a false image of who he really was because the only reason he could give so freely was because he was ultimately in control and could rescind just as freely. The thought tumbled through my mind, sharp edges stabbing the illusion free, letting it float away while the air trapped in my lungs started to hurt, to ache. Tears pricked at my eyes as I forced myself to feel the pain: the mental pain of the realization that he was never what I thought he was and the physical pain of holding onto the idea that was never going to come to fruition. I exhaled. I let him go.

I closed my eyes for a moment. I had heard him moving around in the night, gathering up the last of his things. He didn’t say farewell to me even though he knew that I was awake. He didn’t give thanks for any of the work we had accomplished together. He credited me for making him realize that he’d been a Leader all along which was nothing I had any intention of setting out to do and nothing that I felt was true. There had been a void for a few hours between his departure and my willingness to accept this new reality of mine. I was going through a withdrawal of sorts. The feelings that had surfaced when I had given him a command and he had complied was addicting and I was mourning the loss of those intense feelings. But now I exhaled one shaky breath and severed ties energetically with him. I released him from my mind, my desires, the entwining paths that I had been plotting for us to walk. I released him from providing me further pleasure, thought, concern. I released him from any elevated status in my life, my priorities, my energy. I released him back into the world of other souls, souls that might cross paths with me but that ultimately had no contract with me. I drew in my last purifying breath and sealed my spell.

I packed my own things and put them into my satchel. I was done with this room, with this lodging. The Tavern may remain as a place to retreat to at the end of short adventures but the nights would be spent on the Earth, communing with the trees, trying to figure out my way. While I had released him from me, the feelings that he had brought to the surface remained. That was what he was really for, I understood, but it did not make the sequence of events that much easier to swallow.

Inside the Tavern I found the creature sitting on the couch with his things packed as well. His legs were swinging back and forth and he seemed to be staring into his claws rather than entertaining any guests or playing any games. When he realized that I had entered and was standing in front of him, he lit up.

‘Good morning!’ he said generously as it was barely morning at this point. He slid from the couch and looped the straps of his satchel over his arms, preparing to leave.

‘You seem very eager.’

He nodded his head and smiled at me.

‘It won’t always be as easy as it has been.’

‘I don’t think we adventure because it’s easy,’ he said with an emphatic nod of his head.

‘We won’t be going very far. I don’t even know if you’re a good companion yet,’ I warned him.

He nodded his head and his smile remained. He pulled a map from the side pocket of his satchel and handed it to me. On it were marks that were obviously created by his own claw.

There were three different types of marks that I was able to discern quite easily. One of them marked the places he had been before. Each mark on the map was very shallow into the section of the woods. If he had been seeking the true lesson or artifact that one would receive by reaching the heart of the trees in that particular part of the woods, he had never made it. Instead, it looked like he dabbled mostly at the entrance, familiarizing himself with the local flora and fauna, and didn’t go any further. For some, that is as far as they need to go to learn that the trees don’t speak the words they want to hear.

The second mark seemed to show where he wanted to go. In almost every part of the map where he had indicated he had been before, he had marked he wanted to progress further down the path. Some of the areas were drawn deeper in than others, as if he had read about and done some preliminary work to decide that he wanted to pursue that artifact or skill more than others. Some of where he wanted to go was interesting to me and some of where he wanted to go seemed touristy to me, the sort of place everyone who ended up in this area wanted to go. The information was still valuable.

The final mark that I was able to easily discern on the map showed where he had never been, where he hadn’t even gotten near to, that he wanted to explore now. When I saw the last, bolder, thicker line on the map, I had to turn it over just to ensure I was looking at the right section of the woods. Everything else he had marked out seemed just right for anyone somewhat new to Following. Even someone who had some experience Following might want to travel in the areas that he had marked. But those that had as little experience as him might only fantasize about going where he’d marked and never actually provide the companionship to go where he had indicated. I felt that tug that I was intimately familiar with, deep inside of my own body. This looked very similar to the path I had charted out with my previous companion, the one who said he wanted to go into the depths of the woods with no fear of never returning. Except we didn’t even make it to looking at the map before he changed his mind.

I looked over the edge of the map to see the creature watching me intensely. When I made eye contact, his cheeks turned that soft pink once more. I narrowed my eyes just slightly, staring him down. He started to squirm just a little bit, his body twisting to one side and then the other.

‘This is a long way from where we are now,’ I warned. ‘There is no Tavern along this route. There is danger, things to be afraid of, dependency beyond what I’m sure you’ve ever known before. This isn’t a path you can just dream about and make it through. You have to be in it, do the work, struggle. The payoff may not even be worth it.’

He sucked in a deep breath and the pink in  his cheeks darkened. He started to fidget in front of me and dropped his eyes to the ground. I rolled the map up and started to give it back to him. His words came out so softly that I almost couldn’t discern exactly what he had said, ‘It’s for you.’

Inside of me was a swirl of emotions and I wanted almost immediately to chide him, to tell him that he shouldn’t just hand maps to those who Lead without even knowing if they are capable of Leading. I wanted to remind him that he was delicate and sweet, that he could so easily be taken advantage of because of his trusting and gentle nature, but I stopped. If he was so delicate and trusting, he wouldn’t have even made it to this Tavern in the first place. He would have been captured and claimed long before he ever made this encounter with me. There were many stops I had made along the way, plenty of places for him to depart, several Leaders always in search of Followers along the way that could have enticed him and I would have never even known because I had no idea he was following my path in the first place. The warning that I was trying to issue to him wasn’t for him at all - it was for me. I was warning myself that I felt a desire to use him and that was always the first sign. So I said, ‘Thank you,’ instead.

We departed from the comfort of the living area around the Tavern where we had spent most of our time together so far. I had rations in my bag and assumed he carried some for himself as well. Even if I was wrong, I had enough to feed him for the afternoon adventure that I had planned for us. The walk was easy and the trail well marked. If he decided that he did not like following, it was simple enough for him to find his way back. This was how I planned to test his companionship.

Some of the signs we encountered had some prompts on them for travelers to discuss among themselves. Those who were not new to trails would probably find very little use for them but if the trail was new to them, they might be valuable. Most of the signs with prompts on them were ignored by us and we chose our own conversation to entertain ourselves. Eventually we got to one that was a little more curious, especially for the trail that we were on, and he read it aloud to me:

What companion pieces call to you?

‘What?’ I asked, having missed the prompt in the first place. ‘Is that what the sign said or is that what you’re asking me?’

‘That’s what the sign said,’ he told me.

‘That seems real deep for a path about stamina,’ I mused. I didn’t answer at that point though, because companion pieces were intimate to me and the answer ran deeper than I had inside of me at the moment. I was emotionally exhausted from this morning and while the creature deserved an answer, he deserved a well thought out answer and not just what I could muster in the moment.

‘What companion pieces have you worn before?’ I asked, to keep the conversation flowing, to stay on topic, while I gathered my thoughts.

He explained that he had worn metal in the past and that he had enjoyed metal quite a bit. He wore it around his neck once and around his wrist once and both of those were fine and acceptable to him.

I stopped and took a deep breath. Companion pieces were intimate to me and I usually designed them specifically for a Follower in mind. I hadn’t considered anything for him yet because I hadn’t considered him My Follower. But now was as good of time as any to gauge how interested he was in being kept.

‘I prefer metal that is embedded, something that is literally a part of your body, to remind you that it is not your body any longer and that you have dedicated it to serve me in whatever ways I deem appropriate.’

I felt confident that he would either sink into this idea or balk at it and either was fine by me. If he was going to balk, better that he do it now rather than later on when we were halfway down a path and he started questioning whether Following was really for him or not.

He closed his eyes and slowly tipped his head to the sky. He drew in a deep, shaky breath. I watched him do all of this, trying to understand his reaction, what he was doing, what effect my words had had on him.

When he finally spoke, his words were soft but well enunciated, so that I could hear him clearly. ‘That thought terrifies me,’ he started. Though I wanted to tumble into my thoughts about how I was right, about how he might not have what it takes to Follow me, I remained open and waited for him to finish. ‘And yet I want it.’

He peeked. He opened just one eyelid to glance at me, to gauge my response. I remained calm, collected, rolling those words over in my mind. He closed his eyes once more and then tipped his head back down and let out an exhale as uneven as his inhale.

I rejected the idea that he could want something so intimate with someone he barely knew but tucked the information back in my mind. Today had already been so emotional and I was unprepared to consider that I could have found a Follower so soon after losing one. The look on his face gave me hope though, hope I didn’t want to admit to.

We continued down our path once he had settled himself. We spoke of other things to distract me, about where he came from and some of the more intimate experiences he had had in the past. We talked a little about why he wanted to travel the paths that he wanted to travel and what that looked like for him. Every time he described a path he did not describe the ease of the path, he did not describe what accomplishment there would be at the end of the path. Instead, he described where he might struggle on the path, the uncertainty that he had for some of it, but the value of learning about oneself while going down the path and how knowing oneself so intimately had great value.

As the sun began to set behind the canopy of the trees, I realized that I had not expected for us to be out quite this late. I had not expected our conversation to continue as deeply as it had. I had not expected to enjoy his company as much as I had was the real truth of the situation, and so I was unprepared for what was going to happen when we both needed to rest. I was certain that by this time we would have cordially accepted that neither of us was what the other thought they were and that we would have parted ways. I expected that he would be well on his way back to the Tavern and that I would be setting up camp beneath the trees where I could converse with them about all of the mistakes I had made, to be soul deep in misery, where wallowing would be my only way out. 

I didn’t feel right admitting any of that to the creature who simply kept smiling at me, who maintained a bounce in his step as he walked alongside me. The creature that, without prompting, fell two steps behind me when the path narrowed so much that he could remain at my side. The creature who, at some point in the journey, had offered me the rations he had packed as though I might not have any for myself. 

I knew the area well enough to know there was a clearing not too far ahead where we could make camp. I knew that it was close enough that I could make camp for the both of us before I was too exhausted to accomplish the task, even though the day had been draining for me. I also knew that making camp was not a difficult task and if he was going to be my Follower, would be a task he encountered often in our travels together. 

However, in providing him the opportunity to serve, I was also providing an opportunity for disappointment and I was unsure if I could handle that level of disappointment at this point in our adventure together. I paused and pulled out the map so that I could consider my options.

For a moment he stood quietly, watching me, waiting patiently with a smile on his face. He rocked back and forth and shifted his weight but I didn’t feel as though he was asking me to hurry and I didn’t feel as though he was growing bored. I felt that he was doing just as a Boykin might whenever a Boykin was asked to stop.

There was an overwhelming feeling of stress gathering deep in my chest. Torn between what I could do and what I should do, my thought process was interrupted by his soft voice. 

‘Is there something I can do to help?’

Before I could consider all of the ramifications, I heard ‘Yes’ come from myself. 

‘What can I do to please you, Ma’am?’ he asked, eager for my instructions. 

I took a deep breath and offered him the information that he would need to complete the task. 

‘Scurry ahead, gathering some sticks on your way. There will be a small fire pit to put them in. Start the fire. There should be a small cabin. If it is unused, put your things in there. If it is in use, there will be a small area beyond the large trees we will set up in. Have it prepared by the time I arrive.’

‘Yes Ma’am,’ he answered and he scurried off immediately. 

I watched him go, the way that he hurried, the way that he darted off the path when he saw a stick that might work for the fire. I slowed myself down on the path, partly because I was tired and needed to think and partly to set him up for success.

I wondered to myself what I was doing. I had just tried this path with someone else and it didn’t work out. The things that I offered and the things that I said were too intense. He couldn’t handle them. What was going to make this one any different? 

The evidence of difference was right in front of me though. The most obvious point of difference was that he offered to help when he saw me struggling to put into motion all that needed to be done. All the rest would have taken the opportunity to stop, to rest themselves, to talk about how ill prepared I had been for the path. None would have offered to move faster, work harder, so I didn’t have to. 

I stepped off the path. I walked deep into the woods until I could put my hand against the trunk of a tree that I felt was calling to me. I whispered so softly that none around me could hear me, for the confession was only meant for the trees to hear. ‘I am uncertain,’ I admitted, with some hint of defeat. My judgement hadn’t been stellar up to this point and all I could think about were my mistakes. I could only think about how things had gone wrong. I couldn’t imagine that now was the time for things to go right.

The breeze that blew through at that moment brushed my face in such a way that I had to pay attention. The emotion that surfaced was the swell of relief that I had felt when the creature recognized that I needed help and offered himself to me. My eyes were pressed closed, so tight, so that I could listen carefully and hear the answer that I was silently pleading for and in that moment the answer was crystal clear. 

If anyone ever asked me how I knew what to do, I couldn’t imagine they would be satisfied knowing that the answer was I smelled apples. 

[maelair]

Shadow Work: Leading Part Three

The next two days were spent either in the room where I saw my companion sparsely or out gathering the supplies that I would need for the next couple of days. When I needed food, I dipped into the Tavern and while the creature waved at me and I waved back, I did not sit with him. He did slip me a letter or two but I didn’t respond. In the comfort of my room and solitude, I read what he had written.

He asked if my companion had been the one I had mentioned in previous exchanges, if he was the one that I had been considering. I felt my face flush with both anger and embarrassment. I had made the declaration to my family, to my partners, that I was considering this person to join our family. I had mixed reviews: eternal support from my pet as well as some groans from the family who were not at all enchanted with the circles he had been walking in for years. I hated to admit that yes, that was the one I had mentioned in my previous letters. 

He mentioned that my communication had been different lately and I put the letter down. It wasn’t accusatory in the least; just facts. I had stopped writing him because I was busy trying to situate my life. I wasn’t sure if I was heading back or if we were moving forward together. If this companion wasn’t going to work out, because he had been so close to everything that I wanted, I wasn’t sure I was going to continue down the path. 

After two long days of solitude and being antisocial, I resumed visiting the Tavern as I had been doing previously. There was some chatter around by the locals, by those who had chosen this rest stop for lodging. My companion was well-known across many different places. He had a following. There were those that followed to learn from him, to emulate him, to be better Followers themselves. They hung onto every word that he said and sometimes would paraphrase and use his teachings to elevate their Following abilities. It was from them, their whispers, that I heard the new news that hadn’t been spoken in my own room, to me, the person that he had been calling Guide. 

He had abandoned his station as Follower and was now seeking to change to Leader. He had all of the qualifications, all of the experience he felt he needed, and it aligned better with what he wanted to do in life. If he was Leader, he could reach the people he wanted to reach better than by Following another. It sucked the wind right out of me for a moment but I felt I recovered well. 

I wrote a letter. I poured my heart into that letter, explaining to my pet at home how I had made a mistake and how he did not need to expect me to bring anyone home with me. I appreciated his endless support. 

I wrote a letter to the family girl that warned me of my companion and reassured her that I learned what I needed to learn from him and that she needn’t worry that he would be accompanying him home with me.

I wrote a letter to myself to remind myself of everything that had occurred, in every gruesome detail, so that if he changed his mind and asked to accompany me on my path once more, I would at least have a reference point back to where I last left off with all of the emotion I was currently feeling lacing all of the words I wrote to myself. If I accepted him back, it would be with eyes wide open. 

I wrote a letter to that creature that always offered me chai and explained the things that I had been seeking and wrote them off as impossible to find. I sealed it and then walked it right over to him because he was sitting on that couch, watching me intently. I waved it right in front of him and he grabbed it up quick and put it in his satchel. He gestured at the empty cup and started pouring almost immediately.

‘Have you ever sat in the woods and listened to the wisdom of the trees and then told them that they’re wrong?’

‘Oh, no,’ he giggled nervously. ‘I can’t understand the trees at all.’ 

‘Do you go to sit in the woods anyhow?’

He nodded enthusiastically while he held an over-sized cup in front of his face. ‘I feel the breeze and I appreciate the silly games the birds play.’

‘Have you ever had a Leader that you worked so well with that walking behind them felt easy, tireless, like exactly what you were supposed to be doing?’

He nodded, less enthusiastically. ‘I have had moments of that. I think there can be more of it but I haven’t had it myself.’

‘Me neither,’ I sighed. ‘It shouldn’t be so hard to find,’ I complained. 

He let me sit in mournful silence for a moment and seemed to be careful to drink quietly as I sat. ‘Do you need help gathering sticks?’

‘No,’ I refuted almost immediately.

‘Would you like company while you gather sticks?’ he persisted. 

I shrugged. He slid off the couch and gathered up his things and I stood up. Better now than later when it was too warm or too cold and I regretted not being prepared. 

As we stood in the woods, gathering sticks, he held several of them together and hurried over to my pile. He dropped them on the ones I had gathered for myself and scurried off. ‘I told you I didn’t need your help,’ I reminded him.

He stopped and looked over his shoulder before asking: ‘But does it please you?’

I had to pause for a moment. There was a small smile tugging at the corners of my lips. I enjoyed watching him hurry and scurry about to help me build my pile while his was still smaller, yes. I appreciated the enthusiasm that he seemed to have in ensuring that I was well cared for before he tended to his own needs. I couldn’t help myself but I didn’t feel entirely great about the imbalance at this point. After all, this creature was still strange to me and I wasn’t used to accepting help from those I didn’t consider mine. ‘Yes,’ I replied, eventually.

‘If it pleases you, I’d like to continue,’ he said bashfully, pausing for a moment for rebuttal before he continued on with his task. 

‘Okay,’ I said softly to no one but myself. 

When my pile was large enough to get me through to the end of my visit, I helped him find sticks for his own pile. Once they were both large enough to return home, I told him I would stay for a while and sit on the boulder I had grown accustomed to.

‘May I sit with you?’ he asked, eyes cast downward.

‘I thought you couldn’t hear the Earth speak,’ I reminded him. 

‘I know...’ he trailed off. 

I shrugged. There was enough of the woods to share with him and he seemed to be good at being quiet enough. I climbed on the boulder and folded my legs underneath me, getting comfortable. He mimicked my position but sat on the ground in front of the boulder. I glanced down at him and felt my breath catch for just a moment. There hadn’t been one who sat so near, in that precious position, in front of me so still and quiet in so long that I soaked it in, even if it wasn’t necessarily for me.

His head was cast down and he was drawing something in the dirt with his claws. I saw atop his head he had two small horns that looked like they never fully developed into the types of horns his other kind had. His skin was soft, pale, almost translucent. His pigmentation was also much lighter than I had ever seen before, starting with a pale icy blue around the top of his head and darkening into only a pastel lavender at the bottom of his body. Most others were darker forest greens and bold violets. Sometimes they were the darker blues of the midnight sky with markings of stars all over their skin. His claws were dark as they were known to be but that was where the similarities ended. When he glanced up and caught me staring at him, his claws when immediately to his horns, covering them the best he could. 

‘They certainly could have been bigger,’ he whispered softly. 

I peered down at him with a smirk before closing my eyes and said, ‘They also could have been smaller.’ 

As I sat, I listened to the trees. I listened to what the Earth had to say. I connected with them in ways that are hard to describe to those who can’t hear intuitively to what they have to say. I lamented about how they had been wrong, how they had steered me off course, that I had parsed their messages incorrectly. I felt tears well up in my eyes as I mourned the loss of potential, of what could have been, at how close I had been to finding what I had been seeking. I felt the energy of the Earth course through my body - through my hands first and up my arms, connecting like a circuit through my shoulders and into my chest. I felt the breeze pull at me, push at me, force me to open my eyes in order to ensure that all was right around me. I saw the bright eyes of the creature on the floor of the woods fixated on me. His eyes so wide, in fact, that I wasn’t reassured that everything was okay. His claw was pressed against the boulder that I sat upon.

‘Can you hear the Earth, boy?’

His face flushed immediately and he shook his head earnestly. ‘No, I cannot hear the Earth. But I can hear the breeze as it blows over me and over your clothing. I heard your breath catch for a moment and I heard the soft sounds that you made. When I press my claw to the boulder, I can feel the vibrations of your body carry through it. I can feel the warmth and I imagine your warmth as well. I cannot hear the Earth but I can hear you.’

I listened to him but I couldn’t hear him, not right then, not in that moment of raw emotion. I did hear laughter off in the distance though, that faint ‘I told you so’ I’d heard so many other times in my life. 

‘Get the sticks,’ I told him and I watched him clamor to his feet and retrieve both bundles as quickly as he could. I caught the grin that he bore when I told him to do so as well but did not have time to think on it then either. I took my bundle from him and we headed to the Tavern. 

I took my sticks to my room and told him to meet me back in the Tavern in no more than ten minutes. I would feed him for his assistance and I needed to eat as well. The room that I got to was almost bare. Every sign of my companion was wrapped up in a blanket, bundled in the middle of his bed. I took a deep breath and headed to the Tavern where that creature would be waiting for me.

Inside, before I found the creature, I found the companion. He was telling his stories of the Earth’s truth to anyone that would listen. He spoke about how he was well equipped to be the next great Leader and how he would spread the truth of how to Lead to those that would listen. Those who weren’t willing to listen were surely not ready to Lead - he was certain of it. I waited until he was done speaking before I sat down next to him.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I asked.

‘I didn’t need you talking me out of it,’ he stated. ‘I know this is what I need to do and I’m going to do it.’

I felt that flush of emotion once more. I didn’t feel I had ever been against him any step of the way. I felt I had encouraged his exploration, asked questions to help him explore himself, wanted to be of assistance every step of the way. 

‘I’ll be gone in the morning. There’s a Follower that I am taking in.’ Cheers erupted around me and there was some applause. They were all excited for his new adventure, as they always were. I wished him well and rose from my place to find a place to settle in for dinner. Soon, the creature joined me.

Over dinner, I found myself quiet, thoughtful, a terrible person to converse with. The creature spoke entertaining tales, spoke of games he had played, places he had seen. He ate with enthusiasm and thanked me profusely for the meal that I did not need to provide him. He slid another letter across the table and smiled a soft, genuine smile. ‘I hope you don’t mind that I wrote you out of turn. You seemed busy.’ 

My fingertips rubbed at the corner of the envelope before I pulled it into my lap. ‘No, that’s fine,’ I reassured him. I had been busy. I hadn’t prioritized him. I did enjoy hearing from him though and I liked the entertainment that he provided. Especially the entertainment that he had provided me earlier in the day. 

He asked me what I enjoyed about being a Leader. I had to take pause and think about it for a moment because it seemed like every time I tried to engage in being a Leader in a meaningful way, it didn’t work out for me. ‘I like charting a path for a Follower to follow. I like the responsibility of making sure we end up where we want to be. I enjoy having a purpose that I can bring someone along for. I enjoy learning new things with someone who also enjoys learning new things. And...,’ I trailed off.

This was the part where most would depart. They were fine with me wanting to chart a path, taking responsibility, wanting to teach. But the call of the woods was not always light and love for me. ‘I like to explore the shadowy places in the dark of the woods that no one else wants to see. Finding a companion for that is essential to me but has not happened. Not just yet.’

He leaned across the table, his excitement so easy to read on his face. ‘What do you like about the shadow areas?’ he asked.

The letter in my lap provided a decent enough distraction for me to toy with as I decided whether or not I wanted to be that vulnerable with an almost complete stranger. ‘I like the way that it is hard to tell right from wrong in the dark. The way that sometimes it bleeds together. The way that the only person who can say for certain if it is good or bad is me and my Follower has only me as their moral compass.’ 

I felt a hush pass over me. This was one of those truths that almost never made it to be voiced. It was thought some of the time, especially in those sorts of Taverns, the ones where cries of ecstasy filled the air the moments the doors swung open. Everyone was okay with that kind of physical manipulation of the body, the sort where the marks and damage could be seen by the naked eye, where everyone was aware of what was going on. It was the spoken words of enticement that were harder to follow, the manipulation of the mind and of behaviors that couldn’t quite be marked, monitored, agreed upon by the community at large that scared them, and that was what I spoke of now, uttered to this creature that may run away just as the rest had at the insinuation that I enjoyed things just a little differently than the others around us. 

He settled back in his seat and let out a deep exhale. His eyes closed almost all of the way and he looked like he was savoring the air around him. I waited quietly, though my fingers ran over the envelope in my lap for comfort. He opened his eyes and looked right at me with no deference at all. ‘I would like to follow you.’ 

I laughed. I couldn’t help myself. In all of the years that I had sought a companion that would be enchanted by the way that I spoke, I had hardly imagined it would come in the face of rejection, in a Tavern full of sheep, with a creature that was hardly identifiable. There was no way this little creature could have any idea what I was capable of, not even from the last sentence that I uttered. 

‘What are you even?’I asked. 

He shrugged with a smile. ‘What do you think I am?’ he asked.

‘I don’t know. A boy for certain, the way that you flutter about with endless youthful energy and whimsy. Kin for sure, because I certainly don’t know what other creature has skin like yours, coloration like yours. So a Boykin?’

He squealed with delight and clasped his claws together and pressed the back of one to the side of his face. ‘Oh yes, a Boykin! I like that very much!’

‘Well, is it what you are?’ I pressed.

‘I am what you say I am, as long as it pleases you,’ he said in almost all seriousness, his wide eyes staring intently at me. ‘Does it please you?’

I pressed a hand to the table and leaned in, staring right back at him. ‘It pleases me very much,’ I assured him. 

His cheeks flushed a bright pink which looked very good against the icy blue tone of his skin that covered his face. As I looked him over, at the delight in his expression, at the flush of his face, I realized I was treading on dangerous land. Giving names was like claiming ownership and I was dangerously close to having done just that. I settled back in my seat and folded the enveloped to slide into my pocket. 

‘It’s time for me to rest. You need to rest as well,’ I said. ‘Go to bed soon.’

I rose from my seat and looked over the creature across from me who still looked like he was at a loss for words. He caught up quickly though and said, ‘If you don’t want me to call you my Leader, how do you want me to respond when you, uh, tell me what to do?’ he asked with a soft giggle. 

I almost refuted and told him I hadn’t told him what to do but as I replayed my last sentence in my head, I realized I had done exactly that. I told him what to do and he was trying to respect my boundaries while also speaking in an affirmative. I pushed my hands into my pockets and thought about what would be appropriate for the not quite a relationship that we had. ‘Ma’am, I suppose.’ Respectful but with no indication or obligation of a relationship.

‘Yes Ma’am, I’ll go to bed right away.’ 

I stayed and watched as he pushed himself away from the table, gathered his satchel, gave a wave to me, and hurried off to what seemed to be his room for the night. I watched him disappear around the corner and decided not to follow. It wasn’t necessary to prove that he was following orders because it wasn’t a real order and because he wasn’t really mine, no discipline would be necessary if he didn’t follow the order. Or suggestion. The enthusiasm with which he appeared to follow that suggestion though, it left me feeling ...different. 

I glanced over to my previous companion, the one I had arrived with, the one preaching to anyone who would listen and I remembered the question the girl had asked me in her last letter: Is the struggle a part of what you enjoy?

For the first time in possibly ever, I could answer no and mean it for certain.

[maelair]

Shadow Work: Leading Part Two

I sat at the bar musing over when he might return and when we might set on our path again. He had already warned that that he wouldn’t be able to adventure as deep as I might want to go for some time, months even. There were loose ends that needed to be tied up, some work that needed to be done, and I was already aware that I would need to be patient. That did not mitigate some of the disappointment that I had felt when he went off on his own that early morning though.

I sipped my coffee and pulled out that folded letter from my pocket. I didn’t have much else to do so if nothing else I could reply to this creature that had dropped me a line. I didn’t quite remember him among the sea of faces of those we said good-bye to so long ago and so I wrote back very generally, giving little to no information, uncertain of who was trying to connect with me. As I finished up the last stroke of my signature, I became acutely aware of the fact that I was being watched. 

Looking up and over my shoulder, there was a small creature with its hands over its mouth, staring right at me. I looked around to make sure that whatever expression was on its face was for me and since I was the only one around, I took it to be for me. 

‘Yes?’ I asked, curtly. 

‘Is it for me?’ it squeaked.

‘Now why would it be for you?’

It bounced softly with its feet planted still. It removed one hand from its mouth which had been concealing a big smile. Its cheeks were bright pink and its eyes so wide that I could almost see my whole reflection in them. One delicate claw pointed at the folded, creased, dirty envelope I had left on the bar so that I could copy the address. 

‘Because that’s my letter!’

I looked to the envelope and then to it and was unable to hide my surprise. This seemed like a difficult face to forget and so I wasn’t sure that we had actually met. The creature seemed to understand my confusion immediately and so it spoke to answer:

‘You might not have noticed me - there were a lot of us all together. I remember seeing you though! You spoke to me a couple of times! We used to write’...and his voice dropped off from there.

There was a time in my life where I was writing a lot of others, seeking the sort of companion I was looking for. Those letters all blurred together though and I couldn’t discern him from another at that point. 

He removed the brown satchel from his back and started rummaging through it, removing a book that was leather-bound and from between two pages retrieved an envelope that was even more creased, pressed, marked up than the one I had been carrying around. He thrust it forward to show me and I immediately recognized my handwriting. ‘See?’ he asked gently, tilting his head to one side, waiting. 

Okay, sure, I had written him, but that didn’t clear up anything for me. I took the envelope from his claw and his smile brightened as I opened it up and started to read my reply to him. There was moment where I realized that I was as curt in the letter as I had been to him just a moment ago and it was strange to see that from me, especially now after all of the experience that I had. I dropped my shoulders and settled into a soft smile. I wasn’t sure why he was so excited but I shouldn’t put a damper on it. I returned the letter to his claw and saw that he was bouncing softly once again. 

‘What is your name?’ I asked him.

He told me. I searched my memory and came up blank. He watched all of this very closely and then tipped his head to the other side. ‘Except I think you knew me by something else,’ and then he rattled off a few other things he had been called until one hit. It wasn’t uncommon for a group traveling together to adopt new names that themed together. It wasn’t uncommon for a Leader to name a Follower to make them more distinct to them. It made it clear to me that this creature was a Follower. 

'What are you doing here?’ I asked, gesturing casually to the entirety of the tavern, rest stop, part of the woods that we were in. 

‘My group disbanded,’ he said with one short nod. He elaborated more on how he had collected his things and settled into a rest spot of his own for a little while. He tried to follow again almost immediately, perhaps to get out of the same area, but it didn’t really go well. So he set up a home, nestled in, read some books, found a map, and felt the call to the woods once again. This time though, he was much more prepared for an adventure. 

He went further than that and mentioned how we had ended up at the rest stop outside of my village and had noticed that I had set out once again. He had recognized me and sent a letter but was unable to rest just hoping that the letter would reach me and that I would respond and so he set down the same path that I headed down...just in case.

For a moment I felt uneasy. This path was for anyone to travel though and so I quickly set that aside. I told him a little bit about my companion at home and he nodded eagerly. Yes, he knew of him. I told him a little bit about the family in the village that I belonged to. He nodded a bit and said yes, he knew of them as well. I told him a little bit about the companion I was traveling with right now and he nodded again, yes, he had seen him. I had used all of the tactics that I used to initially screen someone, scare them off, bring them into the reality that following me looked like, and he remained standing in front of me, claws over his mouth, bouncing with delight.

‘I have chai!’ he exclaimed and pointed to a sitting area in the tavern that was largely empty because at this hour most were out working and not sitting around socializing. ‘Would you like some?’

There were other things I should be doing. I should be gathering supplies and ensuring that my rations were going to be enough for the both of us for whenever he was ready to depart again. I should be speaking with the trees, the Earth, seeking guidance on where we were headed next. I should be planning, researching, documenting on my map where I was heading so I didn’t get myself lost. But instead, I found myself accepting this offer of chai.

As I sat with him he told me of the adventure he had been on. He spoke of the Leader he had followed and spoke of what a great adventure he had been on. He spoke of what he had learned and where he had been and what he wished he had been able to explore a little bit more but how he was happy to manage the rations, mark the map, and follow his Leader wherever she wanted to go. He spoke of the joy that came from being prepared, from Following, from getting to see some of the darker parts of the woods that the others had avoided. He paused and asked me about my adventure and what I enjoyed the most. 

The morning led to late afternoon when I finally told him that I would have to go and get some work done. He nodded enthusiastically and asked if he might have the letter that I had written him. He assured me it would be much quicker to hand it to him rather than mail it and did so with a giggle. I gave a soft smile and then handed it to him. He plucked it up and spent a moment gazing at the front of it. His old moniker was on there, the one he had re-introduced himself by, the not-so-accurate moniker any longer, and then he beamed. 

‘If you need anything, you know where I am!’ and he waved a claw around the couch in the tavern that he had occupied for the morning serving chai and stories.

I assured him that I would not need anything from him, packed up the few belongings I had brought to the tavern with me that morning, and headed to my room so I could get some work done.

It was late in the night when my companion burst through the door, bringing all of the excitement of the world in with him. He waved about a piece of paper and said that he had found the answers he was looking for. Though I was dead asleep, woken abruptly, I sat and mustered up excitement for him. I asked him to tell me about it and he started with a stream of words that almost didn’t make sense to me. 

‘I thought you were a follower of the Earth,’ I said.

He shushed me and told me that I wouldn’t be able to understand the importance of what he had found. I felt a sharp pain at his words but figured I was just tired and perhaps I hadn’t quite understood what he was saying to me. I settled back into bed and asked him if he would tell me more about it in the morning. When I woke that morning, he was already gone. He had left a note, saying he was exploring further where he found the paper and not to wait for him, but a good Guide would never leave a companion behind and so I gathered some things for the room again..

As I walked through the tavern doors, I already saw him sitting on the same couch, drinking the same chai he had had prepared the day before. I wasn’t sure he was going to be as excited to see me today as he had been yesterday; yesterday seemed more like a surprise run-in and today it was pretty apparent we were both staying at the same place. But he raised a claw and waved it eagerly when he noticed me in the room. Better to sit with someone than by myself I thought and I joined him.

He motioned to the empty second cup and waited for a response. I shrugged and he took it as a yes and poured away. I was still exhausted from being woken the night before, drained from the emotional turmoil I had felt from the conversation I’d had. The creature across from me was practically vibrating in his seat once more as he held his cup between his claws. 

‘Thank you so much for your letter!’ he said with sparkles in his eyes. He pulled a letter response from his satchel and handed it right over. 

I took the letter and ran my finger across my name on the front of it and tucked it into a pocket. He started talking about his morning and the things he had done, the things he needed to get done for the day. I groaned softly, thinking about how I needed to get things done as well. ‘We could go together,’ he suggested. At first I wanted to decline - I needed time to think. But I figured it would be nice to have the company.

Together we gathered our things and set out. He spoke mostly about where he had come from, his family, the sorts of things he enjoyed doing when he didn’t have anyone to follow or any work that needed to be done. He paused and asked thoughtful questions and I answered them to the best of my ability. When things were quiet we were fine and we were both able to work on what needed to be worked on. Later in the afternoon, I asked the question that I had meant to ask him earlier:

‘Why did you write me?’

He paused what he was doing and looked over at me before answering. ‘I remembered that we had had a nice connection at that campsite. At least I felt I had a nice connection with you. I always wondered what it might have been like getting to travel with you and so when I was alone, I thought I might chance reaching out. Your name was easy to remember.’

It was a good answer. Thorough. I disagreed that my name was easy to remember but it led him back to me and here we were, working side by side, so it couldn’t be all terrible. 

‘What are you looking for now?’ I asked him.

‘A Leader,’ he admitted freely. There were some that would try to beat around the bush, pretend they didn’t really want or need a Leader, that the call of the Earth was strong enough that they could guide themselves if need be. 

I didn’t always care for the type that spoke so blatantly. I didn’t always care for that sort because I saw them lurking around Taverns, ready to follow just anyone. It didn’t matter if they knew how to clear the path or ration food well enough to care for the traveling party. It didn’t matter if they could speak and hear the Earth in the middle of the woods or not. It didn’t matter if they designed the most thoughtful companion pieces or if they just bought rubbish from the road cart. As long as they were willing to Lead, those types were ready to Follow. There was no value in that kind of blind following and so I easily dismissed that type that I had seen for so many years, in so many Taverns. 

‘What makes you a good Follower?’ I asked. 

He set his bundle of sticks down and rubbed his claws together before he started speaking, looking slightly hesitant. ‘Well, I’m not the best Follower,’ he started. ‘But I know how to carry things and I can read a map. I have pretty good stamina. I like to keep rations of what my Leader likes best so that they can refresh whenever they want to.’ He nodded and paused. ‘I like to Follow and I think I’m pretty good at it but I’m always trying to learn more. Like if my Leader says they want to learn something specific, I’ll look up where to go for that. I’ll buy maps and chart where we’ve been so that we can get to where my Leader wants to be. Mhm. I think those things make me a good Follower.’

That’s how most Followers were supposed to behave, supposed to feel, supposed to act. There wasn’t anything all that different there but I did notice that he enjoyed assisting as well as being passive. There were definitely paths I wanted to take, things I wanted to learn, and while I was certain I would get there eventually, perhaps having a map to the right location would be useful. Even more useful would be someone who could read and navigate them. 

When the work was done, we headed back to the Tavern. The sun would be setting soon and I hadn’t heard from my companion yet. I didn’t want to retire for the night just yet, in case he was close to coming back. I wanted to make sure he’d eaten, as I was certain that he would get so wrapped up in what he was doing that he would forget to nourish himself. 

The creature sat on the couch and pulled a deck of cards out of his satchel. He asked if I wanted to play. I shrugged my shoulders and took the cards that he handed me. He explained the goal of the game, the different cards that could be used, and a few different ways that I could win. We played a few practice rounds and the game was much more fun than I thought it was going to be. Others started pouring in around us, ordering food and drinks, settling in to tell the tales of the Earth that they had learned that day. 

We got to the last play of the game and I watched this creature hesitate making a play. ‘Play your card,’ I instructed him and his eyes flickered from the cards to my own, a soft glimmer in them.

 ‘It will end the game,’ he warned.

 ‘So?’

He played the card - a clever card. One that I should have seen coming but didn’t. I could have argued that I didn’t quite understand the rules of the game yet and that it was unfair. I certainly liked to win. But it was a good play and so I smiled and told him so. I thanked him for the game and handed his cards back. My companion came through the door at that point. 

He held even more papers today than he did last night. I excused myself and went to him, relieved that he made it back before dark. ‘Welcome back!’ I greeted him. ‘Where did you end up going?’ I asked.

He glanced at me for a moment and then scanned the room. ‘To the same place as yesterday,’ he said, distracted, ‘and that’s all you get to know.’ And then he was off, to a small gathering of others at the end of the bar. He eagerly showed them the papers that he had in hand and I was left standing in the middle of the room. Perhaps the emotional feeling that I had had last night was not because I was woken abruptly.

Without so much as a look back over my shoulder, I retired to my room. 

[maelair]

Shadow Work: Leading Part One

We all started in the same area. We were all put together at the beginning of the path but almost immediately there were different paths to choose. A lot of the people I started with diverted to one path and branched out from there. The mail system in the area was amazing and they would keep me abreast on what they were doing, the adventures they were having, the people they were meeting. Most of the people that I started with had paired off almost immediately and I was no exception. 

The partner that I chose in the beginning of my adventure would stay by my side, faithfully, for a very long time. Longer than anyone would have expected. As we got to some of the twists and turns of the path that called to me though, he started to hesitate. He started to question why we were taking the narrower path instead of the wider one; he asked why I always chose the path of darkness instead of the well-lit path where we could both see where we were going. At that time I didn’t have a good answer - I was going with my gut. He told me that he didn’t always like having to follow which really meant he didn’t like always having to trust me instead of getting to see with his own eyes. So the next stopping point that we came to, he stopped for good.

He wasn’t the only one that I was leading at the time though. The other was happier to follow me. He didn’t mind that the paths were narrow and that he had to walk behind me. He didn’t mind having to trust me. But when he too asked why I always chose the narrow path, the darker path, and I told him I didn’t know, I was just following my heart he told me that perhaps I should invest in a map. I told him that there weren’t maps that could accurately show me where I was supposed to go and he told me that there were maps that would be close enough. I told him I didn’t know how to read a map that would soothe my heart and he told me to learn. I told him that I had been doing this for quite some time now and I hadn’t been led astray yet and at the next stopping point, he stopped too. 

I continued on. I continued down the next windy path that I found. It was lonelier and darker than any path I had been down before. But it was also nice. I could stop and look at the plants that grew along the path and because the path was so unused there was lots to inspect. The large boulders between trees proved to be the sort of resting places that I needed. I sat and listened to the conversation taking place deep beneath the surface of the Earth. I listened to the wind between the leaves so high above my head. I connected myself to the place around me. I asked hard questions and heard harder answers. I felt I had all of the answers that I needed and that using a generalized map was unnecessary. The world around me agreed. 

As I came to the next stopping point I came across a few others who had also taken the windy, dark path to bring them to this place of rest. A couple of them joined up with me. Some walked as fast as I did; some walked much slower. But we were all taking the same path. Sometimes I explored deep into the woods to try to find the answer to something I sought and sometimes I marched straight ahead, as though there was some destination that I needed to be at. Behind me there were a few that followed. Some closer than others. 

This was a long path that offered several different branches to choose from. No one knew if we would ever end up at the same rest stop again and so we bid farewell, wished luck to one another, and delved deep into our choices. There were some tough good-byes and there were some easy ones. There were others that we had bonded with over our time together but there were quiet ones we had never really met before either. We all had a personal responsibility to follow the path we felt best suited to us though and everyone understood that.

 There were only two behind me now. I made sure to clear the path that I was working on so that they wouldn’t have as much to do, so that they could focus on keeping up with me instead of having to focus on the trail before them. They kept up with rations and communicating any missteps they felt could be taken. We traveled together well for the most part although it was not without incident. There were some arguments, some decisions made that left someone in the group unsettled. After this long stretch of path, it left one of us weary and so at the next stopping point she declared that she would remain there for a moment and then set off on a new path. She said that she would use the mail system, keep tabs, assured us that she still cared. She just needed an adventure of her own. We understood.

Shortly after that, the two of us found a resting place all our own. There was a small tavern there, a few areas of lodging, and we took up residency. From here we were able to connect with almost everyone we had originally left behind. A few were out of touch but we understood that would be a possibility. In this area, we were known for all of the traveling we had done, even though we hadn’t done as much traveling as some of the others. They took a longer route to get here or they wound their way back to where we were. Both options were valid.

With our lodging well decorated and our time well spent, I found myself aching for that travel. I missed the sound of the woods. I missed connecting in the dark. I missed hearing the voices that spoke to me in such a way that I couldn’t help but listen. I heard the whisper of new information blowing through the town and I needed to find answers. He told me that he would go with me if I wanted but he was happy to hold the house together. He would attend the town meetings, keep the information for me, make sure I had somewhere to return to that was pleasing to me. This time, I sketched out a map so I knew how to return and I set off. 

The purpose of this adventure was to reconnect to what I knew to be a deeper part of me. I knew that I had found a good and stable travel-mate who would always look out for me. I appreciated the support and the love that he offered but there was still something deeper that was calling to me. The reason for the dark paths had not quite been solved. 

There had been one that I had seen in almost every single rest stop I’d been in. He seemed to be following a parallel path to mine. He seemed to be eager to follow the tight, windy roads that led into the darkness. He told tales of camping deep within the forest, of the voices that he heard speaking to him, of the profound tales that he brought back to the village campfires. At first I was entranced, and then disgusted by the retelling of the tales, and then I cycled back to entranced. He was so close to what I was experiencing and he was the only one I heard speaking the words that I was so intimately familiar with. He was the only one I heard willing to travel that deep for the same reasons as me. And so I asked him if he wanted to join me. He told me possibly. 

For a moment I was delighted. I might have someone to do this work with. I might have a partner who could deepen my understanding of what was happening around me. I asked him to tell me his tales and he spoke without pause. He told me of all of the adventures he had been on and what he had learned. He divulged all of the difficult moments he had had as well and how the Earth had provided for him in his lowest moments. He spoke of all the Guides he had followed to get to where he was. He provided good entertainment as I kept clearing the path. I asked him if he would keep the rations, as my other companions had done for us. I knew the part I was good at and was willing to continue doing that work, but he hesitated. That wasn’t the sort of companion that he had been before. So I kept the rations and cleared the path. I asked if he would set up camp. He told me about how great he was at setting up camp, how efficient he was at it, how he loved to set up camp, but now, he said, he preferred to sleep under the stars and that if I was in need of warmth, perhaps I was on the wrong path. So I set up camp and he joined me. I asked him if he would cook the rations. He told me about how good he was at cooking, how many people he’d cooked for before, how efficient he was at it, and how much he loved it. But now he was content to eat cold food and if I wanted it warmed, I might be on the wrong path. Warm food wasn’t connecting with the Earth. If I needed warm food, I would have to do it myself.

We approached a rest stop and I was ready for the tavern. I wrote letters to those I had left behind. My boy who was holding down the house. My girl who had chosen a different path entirely, and I hoped desperately that my letter would reach her. The girl of our family that walked a parallel path to me who offered me love and guidance. I told her of my new travel companion and I remembered that she knew of him intimately and so I named him. I looked forward to receiving her correspondence about what I was going through. 

This stop was different for me though, in that I had mail for myself. I had a bundle of mail from those who had seen me traveling down the path that I had chosen. They saw me at a rest stop. They witnessed me in a tavern. They thought they wanted the paths I was choosing but after reading more about them I couldn’t imagine them being my companion. They were letters of empty desires, not fully fleshed out to understand the struggles, the darkness, the nuances of heading deep into the woods. I discarded all but the last one. The last one felt a little bit different. I read it briefly, took note, and folded it up. I didn’t have time to inquire how we had met, who he was, because my travel companion was already out the door. 

As we walked our path I asked him more questions, hoped for more stories, sought for reassurance that I was doing the right thing. In the middle of the day he would wander off on his own, slowing the pace. I was enjoying being on the path again though and so I would take those hours to sit by a stream, to connect with the trees, to feel the breeze across my skin. I remembered when the trees spoke to me about him and I felt I was making the right choice. Slow isn’t bad. Sometimes slow is necessary. 

Since he was away doing his own thing, speaking his own truths and hearing what the world had in store for him, I took that envelope from my pocket and I opened it once more. The envelope itself was textured. The address on it was my full name, something almost no one around me called me by anymore. The handwriting in it was not as precious as the words.

He spoke of when we had first met, in a big gathering spot, back when I first met my two that would travel so long with me. He spoke of how he had seen us enjoying ourselves around the village fire and how he heard the stories of how we were getting along. He reminisced about how everyone there had been so eager to start down their paths together - him included - but he hadn’t quite made it into my travel party. 

After I had set out with the ones following me that did, he had found another to follow and their took their own path. There was laughter and fun and some scary moments down their own dark path. He wrote about the things he had learned from following someone and the sacrifices he had made to ensure that their travel was as smooth as possible. His story reminded me of how my companions also had helped me down my path. He spoke of how when they found a good resting spot, his Guide had secured lodging. He spoke of how he helped set everything up, made frequent trips to the lodging, helped prepare it for the life they were going to live together but at the last moment, on his last trip, the door had been locked. There was the glow of fire inside, the laughter of other voices, but his access had been denied. The rest stop was fine for him though as it had the comforts that he needed. How was I doing? What were my tales? Did I find the path I was looking for?

The breeze danced around the soft paper in my hands. The letter pushed closer to me and I held onto it tighter to ensure it would not blow away into the water. A typical letter I assured myself, but I folded it neatly and put it away. My travel companion had returned, looking quite refreshed, and announced he was ready to continue so I slid from my boulder and started down the path again. He fell into step behind me and asked, ‘May I call you Guide?’ and I was delighted. I wasn’t his Leader, not yet, but Guide was a good step towards where I wanted to be.

At the next rest stop we spent time around others. He told the same tales I had been hearing for days now but everyone around him loved to hear his stories. I sat and had a drink and unbound my bundle of mail. The first from my boy, who assured me the house was still standing. He spoke of how he was connecting with the family we bonded with in our village and how they all missed me. He asked me to be certain that I was keeping up with my map so that I would find it easy to come home. Going through the Directory was a difficult process and he wanted to make sure I was safe. The girl of the family wrote back talking about how she knew my companion and that I ought to beware but she knew I would ultimately be safe in my return. I wrote back and mentioned the odd letter I had received as nothing more than a footnote to the excitement I had from being called Guide.

The next morning I rose and I was ready to go but he said he was not. He needed to eat, he needed to rest longer, he needed to process another message he had received from the Earth that came while I was resting. I asked him a question and he asked me to pause. There were more pressing matters at the time. How long would he be gone, I inquired. As long as he needed to be, was his response.

[maelair]

Shadow Work: Reciprocity

We were supposed to be packing but he had outlined his boundaries about an hour earlier: put the art away, elevate his leg. He had mentioned his left knee was bothering him but that he was willing to work through it for a while. We got sent out to run an errand, put some things away, started to work on putting the art away but ran out of tape. He was sent out on his own this time to gather the necessarily supplies.

When he returned, we worked together well to put things away. I was struggling with tape because of my long nails. I was struggling because I felt like I wasn’t helping and that I was taking too long. He was gentle, reassuring, offered to take over working the tape and I could assist him. We got done quickly.

I sat at the kitchen table waiting to hear what was next, struggling that he didn’t follow his boundaries with her as well as he does with me, that he wasn’t sitting and elevating his leg like he said he would once we completed our task. When he made it clear he wasn’t sure what else to do and she didn’t give him an immediate task (though she made a comment about how she noticed he wasn’t doing anything), he went to the back office and brought out a bag. He started setting books on the table. He told me why he thought I would enjoy each one.

In the books were highlighter marks, dog ears, writing. His handwriting. Some brackets, some words underlined, some page numbers. He explained he didn’t know what some of the words were so he looked them up. He explained that he used some of the pages to help him write an article that was published in a magazine. He explained she hates when he defaces his own property so don’t let her see. I couldn’t explain that even if I never fell in love with the printed words on the page, I loved his thoughts that were scribbled in the margins. I loved the way that he thought. I loved that I could see the influence of the things he’d been saying to me for over 7 years now printed in these books. That I love him. 

We all sat at the table quietly. He was watching her, gauging her emotions. She was lost in a swirl of whatever she was feeling. I was watching him. All of those thoughts were going through my mind as he looked over and caught me staring at him. He smiled. And then he laughed. For one moment, I felt this pure joy between my friend and I. And I will miss him.