#seldomscreams

[seldompathic]

My job cut my hours down to barely 20 week. After bills I have $11 to last me the next two weeks. Next paycheck is gonna be worse than this one too.

America.

Anything helps. I'm so tired actually.

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[seldompathic]

I feel like everyone deserves an update after such a long hiatus.

TW for Alcoholism.

I threw 10 months of sobriety out the window in February. It crushed me for all of one night before I was back to drinking just like I used to. I was slamming entire fifths in one sitting multiple times a week, and god it felt like home. It got worse over the summer. I did things I wasn't proud of, endangering myself and others..I was a fucking wreck, despite how good it felt to feel nothing.

Disregarding that, I decided to get sober again in September.

My brain has been a mess of fog and sludge with no signs of letting up anytime soon. It's so hard to draw..to sit down and stare at blank pages, or countless failed attempts at doodling the sillies. I'm trying to get back on my feet. I'm not done here, it's not over yet. But I need to say sorry. I didn't mean to fall off the face of the earth..I miss you guys. Doodles are hit or miss, but it's been getting a little better these last few days. I'll be back, I promise.

Much love to you all. Stay strong, stay sober, stay here. ❤️

[seldompathic]

My road test is tomorrow and the anxiety-induced nausea is insane right now. I know how to drive. I know how to back in. I'm actually weirdly good at parallel parking, too.

So WHY does it feel like my driving instructor is going to scream at me? For WHAT?? AND WHY WOULD THEY EVEN DO THAT???

Brains are stupid and weird and I don't want this one anymore. It's just a test, not an execution date. But go ahead and try to convince my meatball of anything different 🫠

[seldompathic]

There's something about sitting in my room playing Team Sonic Racing in the dark after failing to pay rent

[seldompathic]

Artblock. Again.

[seldompathic]

Still trying to find my style for Shadow. Still screaming. Still raging. Still kicking my feet and throwing my pen and eating noodles in bed to cope with the fact that Edge-hog Delight wants me dead

[seldompathic]

I keep trying to find my spark. It's been flickering for so long that I keep wondering if I'll ever get a full flame again. I used to be so patient and creative when I was young, and I don't know where it all went. I'd spend entire days working on one piece- sketching, line art, colors, all of it. But one day, I just..stopped. I started jotting down whatever I could with the hope that maybe I'd get something worth pouring myself into again.

I never did.

So I made it my "thing". I like to scribble! Me and colors don't mix, I'm too lazy, I like it better this way, I LOVE it! I want to do this!

But it's all bullshit. I miss colors. I miss satisfaction. I miss pride and precision. And yet every single time I sit down to make something I hope I'll love, I can't even get past a sketch. I can't draw bodies. I don't know color theory. I suck at backgrounds and composition and line art. I just feel EMPTY.

I'm trying. I want to make things that make people happy. I want to make things that make ME happy. But for fucks sake, I can't find it anymore. I can't.

Break time.

[seldompathic]

Whoever designed Shadow's wings.....

I'm going to microwave your pillow EVERY SINGLE NIGHT UNTIL THE END OF FOREVER