james staying up for days upon days for the hell of it. to see how long his semblance can keep him running for. will someone notice? they have to have noticed by now. will someone say something? winter is looking at him strangely out of the corner of her eye but she won't say anything. she's too well trained, too proper. she trusts his judgement too much.
it's strangely thrilling. the way everyone knows but no one will say anything. and yet no one is saying anything. he's too important. or are they afraid of what he might do? is he afraid of what he might do? he isn't sure. he'll think about it when the time comes.
then it starts with an "i'm going to bed, you should retire too sir". little comments like that. they're subtle, but pointed. james ignores them. he's too far into his game. he's enjoying this too much. is it selfish? is it cruel? most definitely. but it's dangerous and it's fun. he ignores the toll it takes on him every time he plays. he doesn't play often. actually that's a lie. he plays a lot, just not as aggressively as this. he plays all the time. it's more thrilling when people notice. winter has noticed how often he plays, and in a way, that means she's playing too. james wonders if she enjoys it. he'll never ask her. he'll read her later on.
the game ends when he collapses or he gives up, for this is a test of will. pass or fail. he hopes it will be in private so he doesn't embarrass himself. but if he were to do it in front of someone, would he like it or would he hate it? it's never happened before. he's always given up. maybe he'll give up this time. probably. he'll just wait and see.
Oh I'd love to see your take on 13 drunk out of her mind! I think she'd be all over River just cuddling her to her doom
Finally getting round to this, sorry lovely Anon, I love this request so I wanted to do it justice! I did turn a bit darker than what you probably imagined as I also took the other anon into account that asked about the Doctor’s dark tendencies... So you’re getting really Drunk! and slightly SelfDestructive!Doctor all in one. Hope you like it!
Ship: River/13
Rating: M (nothing all that bad but it does insinuate a lot...)
Word Count: 1500
The Doctor downed her drink in one go and waved at the bartender for another. Maldovan brandy was sharp and burned but it certainly did the trick. The Doctor didn’t like alcohol in any of its forms, so she figured she might as well go for the strong stuff to get the desired effect. She couldn’t even remember the last time she had had a drink, but she knew if she had enough of it, she might be able to drown her sorrow for the time being. Just not feel and think for a while… she was willing to try anything at this point.
Since she had escaped from the Jadoon prison, she had wandered time and space aimlessly, trying to make sense of what had happened on Gallifrey. All the death and destruction that she was inevitably responsible for, doubting herself, her own existence and identity. She wasn’t exactly coping very well. She needed a break. Just one night of not thinking, not feeling, before she could face her troubles again in the morning. She downed another drink, she wasn’t sure how many she had had by this point but she was certainly feeling the effect. She struggled for coherent thought, stumbling a little as she requested one more drink for good measure.
She looked around as she waited. Music was pulsing loudly from the speakers, the club was dark, only illuminated by bursts of multicoloured lighting and UV that bounced off the colourful outfits of the university students all around. The Doctor noticed in amusement how the rainbow on her t-shirt and her yellow braces lit up. She’d left her coat in the TARDIS, it was far too hot and sweaty in here. The Doctor scanned the crowd again.
“You looking for someone?“ A voice called over the music making the Doctor jump. She looked around and found herself face to face with the person she had been looking for. At last.
“You could say that.“ The Doctor grinned, unable to keep the excitement from her features.
“Well that’s disappointing.“ River Song looked her up and down appreciatively, not even remotely hiding her interest. She waved at the bartender who just set the Doctor’s drink down.
“No, I mean, I’m… I’m not waiting for someone, I’m…“ The Doctor stuttered. It was her she had been looking for of course, she didn’t want her thinking she was waiting for someone else. They had barely exchanged two lines and she’d already messed up. River raised an eyebrow at her nervous reaction and turned to face her properly now.
“So who or what are you looking for?“ She smirked and took a sip of her drink. She reached out and ran her fingers along one of her yellow braces. The Doctor’s mouth felt dry all of a sudden and she took a gulp of her drink as she eyed the tight fitting dress her future wife was wearing.
“I, uhh…“ Her mind went utterly blank.
“Well?“ River grinned, clearly loving every moment of this. She took another sip of her drink watching the beautiful stranger growing more and more flustered under her gaze. There was something awfully familiar about her that she couldn’t quite place. It intrigued her beyond the physical attraction she had instantly felt towards her. She was adorable really, with her blonde cropped hair, innocent features and ridiculous choice of clothes. River felt an incredibly strong urge to rip those silly three-quarter-lengths off her but she restrained herself waiting for an answer. “Have you lost your voice, sweetie?“
“You.“ The Doctor burst out, throwing caution to the wind in her intoxicated state. “I’ve been looking for you.“
“Have we met?“ River raised her eyebrows at her, surprised by the straight forward answer.
“Oh yeah.“ The Doctor answered feeling a surge of confidence now. She had nothing to hold back for. Her inhibitions had fallen away, she knew what she was here for and what she wanted, so why not actually just be straight forward about it for once. River was hitting on her without even knowing who she was, she wouldn’t exactly need convincing.
“I think I would remember someone as pretty as you.“ River replied flintily raising her hand to her chin pushing it up a little.
“Just bare with me on this.“ The Doctor breathed. “I’m a time traveller from your future, River.“ She answered barely loud enough for her to hear. She used her name deliberately to make the point. River’s eyes widened it surprise for a moment but the Doctor carried on: “And you know that’s possible so don’t go asking too many questions when you know you shouldn’t.“
“You’re not…“ River looked at her for a moment trying to wrap her head around the information.
“Spoilers, you know I can’t say. Now, shut up and kiss me.“ The Doctor reached for her future wife’s hips and pulled her close. River grinned but didn’t oblige, instead she pushed her hand into her blonde hair and pulled her head back when she tried to kiss her. The Doctor groaned in annoyance and a bit of pain but it wasn’t unwelcome. There was that dangerous twinkle in River’s eyes, full of intrigue and excitement. She hadn’t been “River“ for long, she had such a long journey ahead of her. It was all still there, Mel’s temper, the conditioning, the danger. It was the main reason why she had come to this time in her wife’s life. River had never exactly been tame but she had gotten better at controlling herself, keeping her childhood instincts in check. It was all a matter of practice and here, she didn’t have much of it yet. It excited the Doctor more than she cared to admit.
“So, you’re someone from my future and you’ve come here to do what exactly?“ River smirked leaning close.
“I don’t think you need me to spell it out for you.“ The Doctor retorted, her head spinning from the alcohol and her proximity.
“But I would like you to.“ River hummed against the shell of her ear, barely audible over the music. She brought her free hand up between them and traced her fingertips along her collar bone playfully. The Doctor groaned, digging her finger’s into River’s hips, she felt the arousal pooling between her legs already. In response River tightened her grip on her hair. “Well?“
“I need you to help me forget for one night, you know how to do that, right?“ The Doctor replied pulling her closer still.
“What is it you want to forget about?“ River asked intrigued. She knew she probably shouldn’t ask for the benefit of the timeline but she was curious. It wasn’t every day she got propositioned like this. The Doctor gave a bitter laugh. What didn’t she want to forget about?
“Stop asking questions you know I can’t answer.“ She breathed, her neck was beginning to ache.
“Fine, okay.“ River smirked and let go of her hair, stepping away from her altogether. The Doctor whimpered with disappointment at the sudden loss of contact.
“What are you…“
“I would have thought you’d want to go somewhere more private if that’s what you’re after?“ River raised her eyebrows at her slowly making her way away from the bar and the Doctor’s hearts picked up speed. She stumbled after her. “Steady there, darling.“ River hummed in amusement noticing the extend of her intoxication. She looped her arm around her and held her close. “Are you sure about this?“ She asked, doubting for a moment, needing to hear her confirmation. She wanted nothing more than to act on the desire that had come over her, but she had to be sure. The Doctor looked up at her, almost disappointed at the change of tone, at the concern that shone through her eyes for a moment.
“I didn’t think you’d need much convincing at this point in time…“ The Doctor chuckled. She had banked on her rough edge and underdeveloped moral compass at this point. “Don’t make me beg.“ She looked up at her pleadingly and it was enough to make her future wife snap.
“Oh, I’m gonna make you beg, alright.“ River smirked, the moment of hesitation had passed. She curled her fingers around her throat possessively and crashed her lips onto hers. The Doctor groaned, parting her lips immediately, returning the feverish kiss, whimpering when River bit and pulled on her bottom lip. The Doctor grabbed on to her, her legs threatened to give out. “So what do I call you?“ She tilted her head, searching her pleading eyes for an answer. Deep down she already knew but neither of them would say it.
“You can call me whatever you like, I’m all yours.“ The Doctor replied breathlessly and there was a dangerous flicker in River’s eyes.
“You will be when I’m done with you.“ Her voice was a low growl and she dug her fingernails into her neck.
“Yes please.“ The Doctor almost sobbed, everything else faded away around them. She was taking over all her senses. The low hum of her voice, the intense gaze, her intoxicating small, the taste of her lips and the delicious mix of pain and pleasure. There was no room for anything else. No room for the nagging thoughts, her insecurities, her pain. For tonight, she wanted nothing more than for River’s fire to consume her.
TW: nsfw implications but only if you so wish. Could be read as just pain.
They put up an ad in the local paper, saying anyone can come over and do what they please to them. They're not sure if anyone will take them up on it. They're not sure if they'd rather nobody did. They know it's not safe. They know it's a bad idea. But the thought of a stranger's hands on them seems better than feeling nothing at all.
People do come. They ask that they are silent and they don't argue. Silent hands shoving them down. Having their way with them. They don't fight. They don't think. They just let themself be used and hurt and they barely feel the blood and the tears slowly dripping down their cheeks. It's better than being alone and it's the best they're going to get.
Their door opens once again. The last visitor didn't lock it behind them. They wait for the inevitable to happen, wondering what this person will choose to deliver upon them. What kind of sensation they might be surprised with next. But nothing happens. The newcomer just stands there, staring at them. Observing.
'What are you waiting for?' they shout, but their voice shakes. 'Just do it. Get on with it. Whatever you want, I don't care. Just do something.' They close their eyes. It doesn't matter what they choose.
They're not expecting the soft hands that wipe them down with a wet cloth. They're not expecting the gentle fingers brushing away their tears. The careful way in which they're checked over for injuries. And they're definitely not expecting them to stay, to lie down next to them without saying a word and take their hand. When given the chance to do anything, they would never have expected the stranger to just stay.
Looking for examples, for counsel and guidance is an addiction: the more you do it and the unhappier you feel when deprived of fresh supplies of the sought after drugs. As a means of quenching thirst, all addictions are self-destructive; they destroy the possibility of ever being satisfied
Before leaving for Mistral, Yang pays a last visit to the final resting place of Summer Rose to bare her soul.
Yang could feel the thrum of Bumblebee’s engine rumbling in her bones. Every bump and dip in the forest running across her body, leading her to bite down on her lip at the pained feeling in her head and the wild beating of her heart.
'Breath, breath,' she told herself, again and again. It worked, somewhat. The vibrations running along her prosthetic arm left ghost pains that made her shiver, but she was not dragged back into her memories.
The forest around her finally broke and she came upon a lonely outcropping, looking over the thick forest below. Squeezing down on the brakes, hard, Yang skidded to a halt some ways away from a smoothly cut gravestone.
Her breath heightened and her thumping heart almost stung. This wasn't another attack though instead it was a whole other kind of dread and panic. Slowly approaching the gravestone, each step heavy as her boots thumped against the grass and her hip-cape fluttered in the breeze. Finally she came to a stand before stone and simply stopped.
Slowly, her hands began to clench and un-clench, she tried to suck in deep breaths but they came out as short and weak. The mechanical whirring of her right arm invading Yang's mind. It was another reminder of the absent pressure of her metal hand, which left her feeling colder than the wind did.
Running her tongue along her lips, Yang finally gulped and threw herself down before the grave marker. Her left fist impacted against the ground as she knelt, and her gaze bore into the name upon the stone.
'Summer Rose' it read.
But Yang knew her by a different title, and with a shuddering breath she spoke, "Hey, mum..."
Blinking back the heat in her eyes, Yang continued, trying to smile. "I got a new outfit, haha. I figured if I was gonna hit the road I should have something clean and not dads..." Even though she was alone, Yang cast her gaze around, as though looking for an out in an awkward conversation.
Dragging herself back, she continued. "I'm going to Mistral, I have... I have a lot to do, but I thought I should come say bye first, not sure if I'll come back to be honest." Her chest tightened at the memory those words brought forth. Images of Qrow standing limp and listless at their door, apologising to her shaking dad.
"I'm sorry," Yang rasped, the tombstone before her was blurring up and her bangs began hanging over her face as her head dropped.
"I didn't come to rehash bad memories, or maybe I did but not like this," she sighed. "The thing is... Things have been pretty rough lately, for everyone but it was talking to dad... No more he talked and I listened, that made me realise some things.”
“So, before I go I just wanted to say that I love you... I want to say thank you," she said faster and more heatedly. "I want to say sorry, I am so sorry for everything!" The words tumbled free faster than she could stop them.
Yang threw back her head and tried to take a deep calming breath, it sounded hitched and rough. She brought her sleeve up and wiped her face clean, the faint sting of heated cheeks filling her with shame. She had no right to cry.
Yang let her head drop, and stared at the gravestone again as she hiccupped and a weak smile flickered across her face. When she spoke her words were rough but soft. "Mum, I never thanked you, I never thanked you for being you and I should have. You were super mom, you were fun, and kind and a hero, and not once did I ever doubt I was yours."
Her hands clenched as she remembered her father’s rambling words, the picture the tumultuous confusion and sadness that she could take to no one. "You," she started haltingly. "You chose me, more than anyone else you chose me, and that means more than I can say.”
She looked across the forest, eyes and words wavering as she sought the words she needed. “You didn't have to, we weren't blood, you didn't need a kid and you had one of your own anyway but you still loved me. But in the end," her voice grew to a whisper, "I spat on that, and I'm so sorry, I failed you, and I've kept letting you and everyone else down because I'm such a stupid, selfish brat!" she snarled.
Each breath was deep and harsh, she could feel the heat welling up all around her and it stung her insides like fire. When she spoke it was fast and forceful. "When you didn't come back, dad just broke, Qrow was a mess and barely there anyway. Ruby kept asking where you were or crying and I wanted to cry too and I did, but you weren't there to make it better... which meant, no one was."
She could so clearly remember the house, a nightmarish mess, dust caking every surface, half eaten meals of beans and spilled juice lay everywhere. Her father was gone, he went away so much now, into the woods, the Grimm were howling and Qrow was nowhere to be found, again.
"You loved me, but when things got bad, what did I do?" Yang wretched. "I tried to replace you! I thought, if I could just find Raven she'd come home and make everything better, she'd be there for dad and Qrow, she'd take care of Ruby and I." Yang let her head loll back. "Some daughter I was huh?"
"But," she said, staring blankly at the sky, "that wasn't the worst of it. I put little Ruby in a wagon, I kept thinking ‘I can’t leave her home alone, my mum will help us’. Then I marched us halfway across Patch. I was so stupidly sure of myself, thinking a six year old girl could just find her with an old picture and then everything would be fine and it almost got Ruby killed."
Yang's teeth gnashed as she looked back at the gravestone and she threw herself forward into a bow. "I tried to protect her, but there were so many, If Qrow hadn't come... I almost got your daughter killed, after you took me in and loved me... You never should have bothered with me. Qrow should have let my own bullheadedness catch up with me. Blake should have just left me to die!"
Yang's body shook and convulsed, she let out sickly gasps and dry heaved. She could smell Beacon burning, Blake's scream and her arm-
Yang slammed her hand into the grass and followed it up with her head. She let the scent of grass filled her nostrils, forced herself to feel the dirt and torn up grass. "I'm here, I'm here," she repeated like a mantra.
As her quaking faded, Yang brought herself back up into her kneeling position. She could feel the chilly wind cutting across her sickly-pale skin, if she had a mirror Yang knew she would look thin and simply, limp.
"After that I tried, I tried so hard to be what everyone needed in that house. I tried," Yang stumbled on her words. "I tried to do what you would do, I pushed aside how sad, how angry and how awful I felt. I put on a smile every morning and made breakfast, I cleaned the house, I made sure dad and Qrow ate. I cleaned Ruby, got her dressed, told her stories, I took her to school and helped with her homework, heh," Yang laughed without mirth. "I planned most of her birthdays and had to tell her the equinox was for handmade gifts cos I couldn't buy her anything and dad he... He showed up when I dragged him, even had a good time but it... it never lasted."
Yang stared at her mother’s tombstone and gulped, feeling a painful void of tingling emptiness in her gut. Her teeth dragged over her lips as she dug her nails into her legs and shuddered. "I'm so sorry," she said. "I'm so sorry for failing you, for failing everyone. I had to be strong, and I tried so hard for so long, I hated myself for what almost happened to Ruby, I hated that I wouldn't let myself cry for you cos they needed someone to smile and I kept it up!"
"I kept it up for so long, I wasn't perfect but I tried and tried to make things right, to make up for almost killing Ruby, to make up for trying to replace you," her words were spilling from her mouth like flood water from a failing dam. "I kept it all up for so long but all I wanted to do was get away, I didn't want to know what tomorrow would bring and to just... be by myself. But then Ruby got into Beacon and gods mum, I'm so proud of her."
Yang wiped her eyes and sniffed, a genuine smile forming on her lips. "I'm so proud of her and you would be too, she's amazing mum, brave, strong, smart, hehe, unlike me according to some people." Yang's eyes dropped. "But when she was there it meant I was still always on for her, and that made it so easy for me to start getting close to our team."
Flashes of white and black, of sharp words and rough chuckled hit her ears golden eyes danced in her mind and Yang clutched her chest as an agonised grunt escaped her. "I loved them, and you know what, I thought they loved me too... One of them, my partner, she chose me, she didn't need to kill that Ursa, didn't need to look me in the eye but she did."
"Blake, chose me," Yang said numbly. "But in the end, she left me, Ruby left me, Qrow left me, Weiss was taken and I was too much of a pathetic wreck to stop it or help any of them. And that's what it came down to, I couldn't help, I wasn't useful, or strong, or smart enough and they left."
"Weiss needed some support but I was so tired and lost and angry that I barely even noticed her..."
'I'm sorry!'
"Ruby needed me to get better and fight for her but I could barely even get myself up and so she left."
'I'm sorry!'
"I wasn't strong enough to protect Blake and in the end she had to save me!"
'I'm sorry!'
Yang shouted, "She should have left me there! If I wasn't any good to her what use am I? What's the point if everyone leaves and I'm too busy being tired and scared and moping and just, just being- being stupid!" Her father had made his feeling on her display quite clear, some part of her had wanted to be angry, had wanted to remind him of how he shut down, how he wasn’t there for her fights and had no idea what ran through her mind. But that wouldn't have been fair, he was her father after all, ‘I couldn’t throw everything in his face, not after how much I've failed.'
Yang threw her hands out, as if begging her mom to come and grant her mercy, advice, or just some peace of mind. But as always, the tombstone was silent.
Breathing in low shuddering breaths Yang said, "But I get it now, I get all of it thanks to dad... I've been living on borrowed time, if I can't be useful to the people I love then what good am I? Why should I take time to rest, or grieve, or hoping they’ll come help me?" she asked, before coldly adding, "I don't deserve it."
Slowly, Yang rose to her feet, her stance was wobbling and unsteady, she could hear the Grimm coming and flicked her wrist, opening Ember Celica. Spinning around she turned to face the woods where the crimson lights were just beginning to shine.
"I'm not strong like you mum, don't even deserve to be your daughter, that much is clear..." she said, thinking on what her father had said about Raven, her mother.
"But, I think we're walking the same path," Yang said with a sigh. "So I'm going out there, and I'm going to find the people who hurt the one's I love and I'm going to shine brighter than anyone's ever seen." Yang's hair began to flair gold, flames framing her back like a dying sun.
"I'm going to take as many of them down as I can before I go, at least that way I won't be a burden, just another thing for dad to take care of. At least that way, I'm of some use to the people I love." She pictured Blake, and slowly the image faded into Adam Taurus, her body shuddered, but she held strong. The snarling Grimm burst from the tree line and Yang rushed towards them, fire and bullets exploding from her being as she unleashed a roar.
Notes:
So yeah this was a pretty angsty piece, and I am sorry for that. (Also this was a fic I started writing a few days ago, lost, failed to rewrite on the day, but I think this is what I was initially imagining.)
For clarifications sake I do not endorse Yang’s attitude in this fic, its meant to be sad and unhealthy.
I confess, its partially written because, due to some discomfort with her current arc, that I hope something like this happens. Maybe I and others have read too much into the show and Yang’s character but... Well this isn’t really the place for that.
Anyway thanks for reading, critique, questions and feedback are always welcome!
