Self and Ego
It's been a while since I've posted anything about my life, but I want to say that it is so refreshing, to finally be free of my idea of self.
I often wondered if it was a curse or a blessing to know yourself. To be at that point where you've come to accept the things that you do, the way that you think, the words that you say, and the emotions that you feel--all of this encompasses this idea of who you are.
There's something so empowering about knowing who you are because you are no longer trying to conform yourself to everyone else. So this feeling settles, and we become comfortable in this self-image. We accept it because it gives us independence and it creates an identity.
And for some strange reason, you trick yourself into thinking that by separating yourself from the rest of the world, you will find the truest versions of who you are. And suddenly the world becomes the problem, because it cannot conform to your self-image.
For a long time now, I've been stuck in this loop of thinking. I never realized it before, but it was a subconscious habit. I would get these epiphanies where I thought, " Wow, I finally know who I am. I don't need to change." or " I am not okay with who I am, I need to change for the better." And after these realizations, I would begin listing out my characteristics and experiences to remind myself why I do things, why I think this way, why I say these words, and why I feel these emotions. I thought I was on the right path to finding a better version of me, but what I didn't realize, was that I was also limiting myself at the same time.
I didn't recognize that the phrase, " I am _________," could be the one thing that separated me from my truer self and from my ego.
I think most people characterize an egotistical person as someone who is completely full of themselves. An unimaginably pompous person, who is so overconfident to the point that they flaunt themselves to every single person they come across.
But what most people don't see, is that it is also possible that one can be egotistical and self-deprecating. And it is not as uncommon as it seems. This is the type of person, who doesn't flaunt themselves to the rest of the world. They make an inherent choice to take themselves away from it, so they won't become influenced by what the world has to tell them. They become so focused on who they aren't and what they cannot become, that suddenly they are trapped within themselves.
But how can this person be egotistical? This person has no image of who they are. And that is exactly the point. It became very clear to me, what ego is.
Ego isn't who you are or who you aren't.
Ego is your self-image.
It is the idea of you. It is the results of who you chose to become. Sometimes, you are so caught up in your self image that you're unaware of the choices you've made to become the person you are now.
And before I knew it, I became my Ego.
I limited myself, by thinking that I am only capable of certain actions because it meets the requirements of who I thought I was. And I turned down certain opportunities because it was an experience that would go against this self-image that I created.
And when I finally stopped dreaming and worrying over the person that I could be, or the person that I am now.I was able to find an inner peace like nothing I've felt before.
I was so afraid of letting go of my Ego, because I thought I would lose my identity. I feverishly held on to this self-image for so long now, that I could not comprehend myself to be anything else.
And when I finally let go of my Ego , I realized that I didn't lose myself at all.
I only expanded my Ego, and I found that by doing so, has only helped me reach a better understanding of myself. And I learned that finding your true self means that you must be aware of how you are relevant to the current moment.