Dating apps make me think a lot about things I knew and cared about but kind of avoided. Lately, these thoughts have been big on my mind. Sexism, pre-formed judgements, secret misogynists, ableism, internalized ableism, internalized sexism, racism (not against me but evident in the dating world), all of it feels particularly poignant in the world of dating and trying to find a partner.
I put in my profile that I have a fused spine, and it’s interesting to see how different people react to that or if they bring it up at all. It’s one small snippet in a whole profile, and I’ve had that be the thing that men lead with. I don’t mind talking about it, but it also makes me think about ableism, and my own internalized ableism. I’ve been asked multiple times if I’m “alright now.” It’s partially concern, but it’s also a weird question. I read a story in a scoliosis group that a woman was broken up with by her long term partner because he was afraid their children would have scoliosis and felt it was irresponsible for them to have children. Ive been told that I used to be “messed up then, huh?” I’ve thought a lot about how different my life would be without major surgery, how much stronger the ableism would be, how I wouldn’t be considered attractive, how men that come onto me now wouldn’t have looked at me or looked at me with pity instead. I feel like a sort of strange imposter, seemingly healthy but hiding a secret. In another life you wouldn’t have looked at me, or perhaps you would have fetishized me (and of course this still happens, but mainly with my weight). I still haven’t finished watching The Witcher because I felt a lot of emotions surrounding Yennefer’s character arc, of her desire to be beautiful, of the power that gives her. I’m at a strange intersection of healthy and unhealthy, of a close call, of the difference that modern medicine and privilege can make. The idea of a stranger touching me, touching my deformity, touching the scar that travels the length of my spine, makes me feel extremely vulnerable.
And of course there’s the issue of misogyny as well, of the creepy intros, the fear that a man is just telling me what I want to hear, the cracks in the facade, the early signs of entitlement. It’s made me think a lot lately, especially in conjunction with some gender pay disparity at my work, and the insidioussness of everyday sexism, especially benevolent sexism. And the ways that I play into it, the ways that I am very much a “nice woman,” and how that makes some people like me when in reality I support people in being true to themselves and shucking of gender norms even if I tend to follow them. It’s been interesting to see fit men with profiles that feel judgemental about size come on to me as well. As if men have to be fit but they want a soft woman, as if I would agree with their judgemental natures. To see the differences in traditionalism, in how many men say they are “sort of feminists” but won’t commit. How feminism is still a dirty word. I don’t have a point with any of this, I’ve just had a lot of emotions and thoughts lately
