#self-analyzation

[tabbiewolfreblogs]

A few weeks ago, in a fit of self-loathing — a friend called it basically self-harm, and considering how I am, they aren’t entirely wrong — I deleted my entire AO3 archive. Well, not deleted, the fics still exist, but only I can see them.

I’ve complained about this before, and I’ve reblogged the general sentiment many times: I write for myself, but I post for everyone else. And not getting any comments is a bit like doing a stage play with a full audience but absolutely no one applauds. Yes, I know you’re there. But why are you there? What did you like about it? Why are you reading my work? What would you like to see more of?

I reposted my Christmas fics, and two of my recent favorites, because it’s the holiday season and I…I dunno. I felt like I wanted to share them. And today I got a comment from someone who I’m sure meant it with good intentions, asking if I could repost my other works, because they’d just started another (meaning they’d read them multiple times) read-through.

Again: nothing against this person! I am very sure the comment was meant with heart!

But…it was also one of the few comments they’d ever left. The username sounds familiar, so I’m not going to say it’s the only comment they’ve ever left, that would be rude and possibly not true (my memory sucks, but I get so few comments, usually if you leave one I do recall your username, and this one presses that button).

And my first reaction, to be honest, is just…anger. At any point, in the multiple years that series has been up, you could have left a comment. Even just a “Read this again, love it!!” One of the big reasons I took them down is that it genuinely feels like no one likes them, or if they do they’re ashamed to admit it, which is kind of worse. That’s an enormously shitty feeling.

So now I don’t know what to do. A small part of me, the part that is just toned down enough to unlock a fic (literally yesterday or the day before) and is kind of an asshole, wants to spitefully take everything down again. The rest of me realizes that part is a complete dickbag and she needs to shut up, people like my work and can’t I just be happy with view counts?

I don’t know. It’s very weird that I’ve been posting my art online for most of my life — going on 3 decades, well before any kid should have been on the internet — and this is the first thing that’s really caused me to be so self-destructive. I really kind of just want to keep my writing in my little group of friends who actually tell me what they think of it and why they like it.

[ignoranthands]

[askthatdan]

Patience

It's never been my strongest virtue, actually, it's one of my weakest virtues.

I have always been an incredibly impatient person, in literally every aspect of my life. I'm impatient with people, work, situations, exercise, etc etc. It has been one of the major issues in my life, because if something isn't working out immediately (Immediately being subjective depending on what "Something" is at the time) I tend to either lose interest or become frustrated with it.

Example: Recent exercise or my various RP blogs. I would try to get these going but often found myself unsuccessful and frustrated and then I'd simply give up (I've realized I am simply getting what I put into it, don't put in much work then you don't get much out of it).

Recently I've come to understand that the place I lack the most patience is actually with myself. I struggle with self-image and self-esteem every day. When I fail, I almost never let it go and often continue to berate myself about it for weeks. When I succeed, my enjoyment of that success is short lived and I often think about how that should have been done better (Not a bad thing but it can be when you do it to the degree I often do).

Because of this lack of patience with myself, I often get frustrated with myself can never build up my own confidence.

My friends and family often tell me that I have a great deal to offer but my impatience (Amongst other things) makes me blind to what I can offer others by simply being myself.

I don't really have a good way to end this one except...

I guess I should try and be more patient with myself?

[diogeness]

Figuring myself out everyday.

[fatcolin]

I've been holding on to definitions of being undeserving. Here's how it works.

I don't feel like I deserve anything positive.  It's some sort of anti-entitlement.  I make things difficult for myself so that when I conquer them (luckily, I believe that I can conquer some things), I feel like I have earned a reward.  No matter what it is, food, relationships, money, jobs, it's only allowed BY MYSELF when I feel like I have faced opposition equal to the amount of reward.  I'm dangling a donut in front of my own face.  It's all self-inflicted. 

It brings me to ask myself, why do I have this system in place?  It's because it's the only way to allow myself to have good things in my life.  My beliefs state that nothing can come to me unless I deserve it, with the default value of being undeserving.  If I simply changed the belief that I am deserving, I could allow good things to come to me without weathering the bad.

Now, wouldn't that be nice?

[madamemonday]

I have to keep reminding myself that I don't think rationally and instead react emotionally when I'm sleep deprived. My filters are shaky at best and completely nonexistent at worst, and that's it not a good idea to engage people in this state.

Nonetheless, it's also in this state that I feel the greatest need to be social, as large amounts of solitude also leads to too much introspection and my mental barriers start breaking down when that happens.

So far I've spent today parked on the couch knitting and watching Season 3 of The Tudors. That would have been okay by itself, but it's not exactly been a good day because my son got referred to the office for fighting and spent half the day in in-school suspension. I'm not exactly convinced that the medication change has been for the better so far, as his behavior has taken a sharp nosedive since the switch.

I'm hoping that tomorrow will be better after a good night's sleep and my dance lesson.

[pcf-inactive]

if I was "myself" when I was out with my friends, I'd be the one who doesn't speak a lot and stays quiet. I'd laugh when things are funny, join in when I felt like it, and generally be distant.

but that's not what I'm like around my friends. That's what I'm like when I'm at home, by myself, with homework, video games, and my laptop.

when I'm with my friends, I speak until my throat hurts and I'm out of breath. I laugh the loudest. I always join in, and if I can't, I force myself to be a part of everything. I'm constantly there, in their face.

so... which one is me?