is feeling like you know exactly what to say to make people happy but will ultimately fail to deliver on your promises part of imposter syndrome, or is that at a DIFFERENT part of having low self-worth?
because at my physical therapy appointment, which was my last one for the foreseeable future, i felt this hardcore. we were discussing how i'd keep up with my exercises and stuff, and whether i'd be able to stick to it. and the topic of swimming came up, because it's something i genuinely enjoyed doing, but i haven't done it in like 15 years or more because of my poor vision (and refusal to get contacts) and the lack of swimwear available in my size.
and idk. i just felt like i was lying through my teeth when i said i'd renew my focus on getting around those things so i could be more active. even though i WILL try to find solutions to those roadblocks. but i'm also not particularly....confident that i will be able to?
i think he thought part of it was a self-consciousness thing or a modesty thing, and i guess that's true? but tbh i'm mostly concerned with finding something that will adequately restrain my tits. and with finding something that ideally has a couple layers so i feel less, like, physically vulnerable?
remember those "burkinis" people used to get upset about? (i'm sorry, i don't know what they're actually called, and that's the only term i ever heard people use for that style of swimwear.) ideally, i'd get something like that. not for modesty reasons, but because the fabric is thick enough and covers enough that i could probably avoid a sensory nightmare.
i used to shred the tights my mother made me wear with my nice dresses at easter and christmas because i couldn't handle how they felt on my legs, and it's like that for any thin fabric. it's why i wear a tank top under my shirt, and why i only wore black denim jeans until i couldn't find them in my size for a price i could afford. i'm getting a little better about thin fabric on my legs because i kind of have to--the options for someone my size are mostly lounge pants and sweatpants--but it still makes me uncomfortable.
so yeah. i think my physical therapist thought i was too self-conscious to seriously pursue getting back into swimming, and while that is undeniably PART of it, it's way less of an issue for me than i think most people expect. people who think i'm disgusting will think i'm disgusting whether i'm in a swimsuit or covered head-to-toe in several layers of thick fabric. if people want to gawk at me, that's their fucking problem. i just want to feel comfortable lmao.
still, i feel like i'm going to fail at this. and that i'm being dishonest or manipulative by talking about what i WANT to do because in all likelihood, it won't happen. i don't have the money for bespoke swimwear and prescription swim goggles. and i don't even have anyone to swim with anyway. my parents are too self-conscious about being seen with me, my brother and his wife have no time for swimming between work and caring for the baby, and i don't have any friends i can go out with anymore.
ugh. i'm probably also being defeatist in an attempt to soften what i feel will be my inevitable failure. i'll start looking around for swimwear tomorrow, i guess. and try to remember that it's not bad of me to be optimistic about what i will keep up with even when i know it'll be really hard to do any of it.
// I got distracted from drafts by talking to people so why not go the full mile and gush about how much the spn community low-key helped my self image issues. I mean I still have a lot of body issues here and there, but it’s a lot better than it used to be.
Seeing all these people idolise actors like Mark Pellegrino, Mark Shepard, Richard Speight etc etc, it has helped me start to love my body more. These actors are by no means skinny, and aren’t built and buff like J2. They have pudge, they have hips and thunder thighs. I have almost the exact same body shape as Pellegrino. And them being seen as sexy and attractive has definitely helped me out.
So idk what the point of this post is, but I guess thank you for being gay for Pellegrino????????
Having another episode of soul-crushing self-hatred about my appearance after seeing a new photo of myself online and how even though I’m 24 I still look like such a goddamn child in photos because I don’t know how to look like an adult woman, i.e. a feminine adult woman, and it’s because in that photo it’s as obvious as daylight I’m wearing an ill-fitting bra and I can immediately imagine people thinking, “How could she wear that, how could she realize that, can’t she dress herself properly, like an adult, like a proper woman?” I used to get so much shit for “not dressing like a woman” and “looking like a child” but then it didn’t bother me because goddamn it, I was a child. But now I’m an adult and have no goddamn excuse anymore, I’m supposed to know how to do this shit because apparently that’s my fucking job as a woman is to give a fuck about my appearance, and I have it so thoroughly ingrained in my brain that it is a serious character flaw that I can’t make myself look like a presentable, feminine adult woman. I hate that adults in my life are going to take me even less seriously and look down on me more than my peers when I was a teenager because I “don’t look appropriate” and I can’t help but agree because I cannot cannot convince myself otherwise that it’s possible to look like an actual adult woman without looking feminine, either that or doing a serious reversal and going all-out masculine in my dress, which I don’t want to do but feel like I’ll have to do just to keep my head above water. I hate that because I don’t want to look obviously feminine or masculine, people are always going to think I look “like a child,” I hate that no matter what my accomplishments are (the photo online accompanies a national radio show that I organized! And appeared on! That’s a fucking huge deal!) I’m going to think it’s not worth as much because I looked terrible while I was doing it, I hate gendered bodies I hate gendered clothing I hate gender I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate I hate it.
So. I had this really weird daydream earlier. I asked ~Edmund out and he turned me down. Which is okay, because he frequently turns me down in my daydreams (I also ruthlessly pursue him and then we are married for like 80 years and we tell the story to our great-grandchildren and laugh okay it's romantic) but afterwards I was hit with the realization that he had turned me down because I was not attractive enough (I don't know if you can be "hit with the realization" about something that happened in a daydream but just go with it).
This has never happened to me before. First of all, because I'm usually more attractive in my daydreams than I am in real life (I have a longer, skinnier face, for one) and this time I wasn't. I looked like me. And then secondly, because I've felt pretty damn good about myself lately. I mean, I showered this morning and my hair looks phenomenal and I'm wearing NEW CLOTHES, which is amazing since I never have new clothes, AND I look sort of fit. So I don't know why I would have thought that.
I've also never considered not being attractive enough as a potential obstacle to creepily stalking down a celebrity and forcing them to marry me. I guess because I've always considered myself smart enough and funny enough for that not to matter.
I guess I'm just posting it because I don't understand. I was really bummed and then I got up from my nap and looked at myself in the mirror and said "dayum gurl u lookin gud 2day" except in my head. I don't get it.
