things
On a moderately related note, I think I've discovered that smoking weed gives me a shit ton of anxiety for a few days; possibly the very source of anxiety from last semester when I was smoking so much in order to become numb. However, this anxiety is kind of what pushed me into doing things deliberately. It helped me to see what I was doing to myself by beating myself up about my life. I was writing like this and analyzing how I felt, as well as analyzing media like a fucking champ. I love being so analytical and I feel like I go with the flow way more when I haven't smoked in a long time. At the same time though, the fogginess I feel in the days following that pushes this anxiety and negativity forward and it feels so unhealthy. My brain stops making the connections that it normally makes (names, dates, short-term memory, long-term memory, any sort of connection whatsoever), and that's what makes me my lively self. Marijuana gave me some of my most expressive, real feelings. I've felt such despair for myself and the world around me. But I've also felt such happiness. I came up with such good ideas relating to my artwork, normally self-reflexive and searching for answers. Those feelings have helped me understand and be moved by fine art in my own way. I believe I've found truths about life that I can truly believe in from that time period. I hadn't smoked in a long time, and I did a few days ago and I recognized that fog for the first time. It sucks. But do I continue to seek out these feelings if they help me work on figuring out who I really am? Or do I avoid it at all costs in order to maintain mental health? Gosh, every time I write my thoughts to analyze them, I always end up with seemingly bigger problems than when I started haha