You Can Have a Happy Household with Autistic Kids
@autisticrevolution posted something from a someone talking about the burdens of having an autistic sibling. I’m autistic, with two autistic kids, and I also have a background in child development and parenting. I taught my son how to control his overwhelming emotions when he tantrums. 3 was a difficult age, and we got through it, and he now regulates his emotions better than a lot of NT children. We are getting there with my daughter, who is 4 and still throws tantrums, though not in public. I had to use different techniques with both of them. The problem I see so many parents take with autism is they work so hard to control their child and bend their child to their will, and that doesn’t work (it doesn’t work with NT children either, but my son and I both have a strong core of “you can’t make me!” that is definitely autistic). Teaching your child to control their own behavior is a game changer, and the younger this is done the easier it is. It also takes a lot of effort when they are young but pays off when they get older because you don’t have to do it for them anymore. Greenspan focuses a lot of this. Stuart Shanker’s Self-Reg, while not specifically for autism, is also a great approach and includes ADHD, sensory issues, and just regular NT issues.
I get so frustrated with these characterizations of how difficult autistic people are, though. For one, it’s not my experience. The most exhausting part of my day is emails or when I have to make a phone call. My 7 year old is at an age where he is a lot of fun, my 4 year old is growing out of the terrible 3s (3 is the worse age, NT or autistic in my mind) and I love seeing how she’s growing. Yeah, they wear me out because I’m not a very social person and I need a lot of quiet time, but I’d have that problem regardless of whether or not my kids are autistic.
How this perception affects me is when I try to find activities for my son, who does want to play with other kids even if he can’t always figure out how. Next week we’re going to a condo my husband’s family has. They have organized activities for kids there and my husband loved them growing up and wants to see about letting my son join in. While we’re sure he’d have fun and behave, we’re never sure what reaction we will be greeted with when we say “B is autistic and he doesn’t talk much, but he loves to play and follows directions well.” Will there be a look of horror? Will they refuse to let him join the group? Will they insist my husband or I come with just in case something happens?
And then if the other kids are mean to him, will they have someone trained in helping NT kids learn how to interact with kids who are a bit different (they have some excellent programs for it)? OK, long shot but I can dream.
Seldom when I see people vent about their autistic relative do I see them asking, “what can I do different to help?” Seldom do I see someone willing to try something that is paradigm shifting (when I do see it, I admire those people for their willingness to do something radically different. And it is exciting to watch how it pays off for them). When I’m frustrated with my kids I have to keep in mind that while I can share my point of view, neither of them can. And while it is frustrating that I can’t always understand them, it’s more frustrating for them that they can’t communicate and make themselves understood.
That said, I see parents as having the most control in the relationship, and parents as having the responsibility for making sure that what they are doing is working (kids don’t ask to be born after all). While I know that some of the ideas I have found so useful are not widespread and, as my husband said, so counterintuitive that when you first hear them you think there’s no way they will work (and I am very grateful that my husband trusted me enough to give them a fair shot, let’s just say he’s completely sold now), I also know from spending time teaching parenting classes that a lot of parents are stuck on the “I CAN control my child and bend them to my will” way of thinking, and this just creates a toxic atmosphere for everyone in the house. Which is also not the sibling’s fault.I just think their blame is misplaced.
