#self-relfection

[ramblingxavi]

There is no help but to keep herself living in the moment. That moment where she and the world are communicating, and the significance of their conversation has desperately left her. She secretly begs for her persuasive surroundings to come spill more of their true colors to her. The yearning, she feels, is the comfortability and the reassurance of the still taken images of the sources that have kept her awake past 1 p.m., desperately holding onto the feelings until tiredness takes over. Tranquility. Independence. Free. Those qualities are what she loves to see, whether on the solitude of nature or on a human being. A believed period of self-reflection is allowed to her, as these still moments are to be the world on silent, its’ calmest tone. And she wants it to always be that way, every day. However, it sucks. Stillness eventually bores her, losing her interest to keep touch of her focus. Nothing is more terrifying than to lose interest, slowly becoming effortless to keep trying, and just let herself flow with whatever comes next. There’s no spark for her to take action. “Why, bother,” She pitifully speaks “Why, bother trying?” There’s no use to fighting it over, and over, and over, and over again. Looking at the emptiness and stillness of these still-taken images, the nature of it eventually puts her at rest. To be part of the cycle. Tranquility. Independence. Free. But digging deeper, feelings ultimately turn into: Loneliness. Immobility. Apathy. It is now 2:55 p.m... She’s restless in her sleep.

Essential Question: How do we define ourselves?

Theme Song: killedmyself - don't worry about me

[kneadingthroughtheprocess]

Zoom Out

The concept of self-reflection from learning is not only important in art making, but also necessary for self-growth. Learning from and during experiences can develop our capacity for being an artist and a person.

[blackwomenconfessions]

C: Although I'm only 18,almost all my life I've been called soft for being too kindhearted,too forgiving,or too this or that and I just really need people to send positive vibes my way because although I always want to be true to who I am and myself, I'm done with being quiet, I'm done with taking bullshit from people, and I'm done with not standing up for myself like I really want to. I want to focus on being positive and continue to grow into the beautiful young woman I'm destined to be.

[blackwomenconfessions]

[robertostinks]

It all begins with just one kiss I'm held hostage by your love I always fall for the unobtainable. It was fleeting, but I'll cherish it forever.

[feelanydifferent]

this is my "i smoked weed and now i'm self-reflexive" rant

Tonight, I made the brilliant decision to smoke a joint and put in one of my favorite films, Gregg Araki’s Smiley Face. I thought I would just get kinda stupid and enjoy the movie, but my brain decided it wanted to get real with me. The movie has already played twice and during this time I have been anxiously rolling over in my bed doubting my existence. I feel this sort of dominant presence breathing over my shoulder all the time telling me how to live my life. I think it’s bullshit, and I want to sort through it. I need to figure my shit out. This is also my attempt at writing.

I’m going to talk about this person I’ve been seeing, whom I will name Person because I'm original. I seriously have no idea what to make of them. Let me start off by saying that I normally call it off with people I’m not sure of. I try not to get too involved with people whom I’m not really interested in because I’ve learned through experience that not following your gut is a bad idea. Person is kind of different. First of all, I’m being really honest when I say that it’s been a while since I’ve been interested in someone. I’m using the word ‘interested’ to sound nonchalant, but what I actually mean is that I think they're fucking rad and I really enjoy their cuddles. I know this is a huge cliché, but I’m a big fan of their smile. It’s all dimply and radiates cuteness and I want to hold their little hand. I also very much enjoy the way their brain operates. As I’ve been getting to know them, I’m discovering that they're weird and childish and I find it kind of endearing. They're pretty sexy, too. So, I’m finding it really hard to just forget about them. I enjoy their company, and I would like to get to know them better. But… there’s a but

I give way too many fucks about what this person thinks of me. This fucking weirds me out because I haven’t felt this fucking stupid and shitty about myself in a long time. Is this how I always am? Because I don’t remember ever getting this cray cray. I guess I’m concerned about fucking it up because I really like them? I don’t know. I’m becoming very confused about how I feel about myself and I don’t know where the fuck this insecurity stems from. I’m not a fan of it. I need to stop giving a shit. I don’t give shits about people. I don’t give two shits about what people think about me. I’m tuff. 

I’m also starting to get to know their flaws. Everyone’s got’em. Everyone has baggage and nobody is perfect. But I don’t know if I can read Person properly. I hardly know them, but from what I gathered within the past few weeks of hanging out with them, I think they're going through a lot of stuff, and as a result are very preoccupied with themselves. I totally get it and can relate, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. 

But in another sense, I feel like Person may be bad for me, and that I may be blinded because I’m so into them. Person was a straight-up douchebag to me the other night and it weirded me out. They were being disrespectful and I was immediately turned off. I was wondering what the fuck I was doing hanging out with them. I confronted them on it and they apologized for their doucheries. Part of me was/am really pissed because they were being a jackass, and another part of me accepted their apology because they took accountability for being a jackass. Or they appeared to be sorry? I don't fucking know what to make of this person. I don’t know if I want to get involved with them, because I feel like this may get messy. I may get hurt. I don't deserve to be hurt. Fuck that shit. Dating is weird. 

I’m currently on my third round of Smiley Face. I swear I can recite this movie by heart. It’s so good. 

As I’ve been going over and editing my little rant, I have had time to sober up. My anxiety has subsided and things are starting to make a little more sense. This is not about what Person thinks of me. It comes down to me having to make changes. I need to not give a fuck about what people think of me and appreciate myself enough so that I can be confident being around people I’m actually ‘interested’ in. If I’m confident in who I am, I’m confident in what I want. I’ll figure it out. I got dis.

Smiley Face has played four times now and I’m noticing that I’m becoming more and more incoherent. It’s 4AM and I have an exam tomorrow morning for which I’m very unprepared. I should be sleeping like a studious student. I wish I gave enough shits about school to actually put as much time and effort into editing a fucking essay as I do into writing about myself (it’s because I’m a narcissist). I’m an awful student, but that’s a fucking whole other can of worms.