#self-resentment

[anolyso]

Is it ok to say I’m not Ok?

I’m not a blogger type and I don’t really seek help out. But it’s been a year since my incredibly sloppy bachelor’s graduation -yay Sociology, one of the least employable on the university market- and I still can’t bring myself to get a job proper. 

I just can’t seem to look at myself and say I bring to the table anything worth searching for. I haven’t gone out of the house without parents either, even just recently getting properly liscenced and insured, I just don’t have anywhere I’d go. I feel like a parasite on my parents, especially since my 3 other siblings, 2 older and 1 younger, have gone on with a clear pathway from college into at least a workforce. 

I feel neglected but also a lot of that is self-caused, I know I need to get out to somewhere but I feel way too dependent on my living situation and haven’t felt close enough in any of my relationships to really beg for help. Also didn’t help that in all honestly I’m a smug asshole to even my friends and for the few friends that felt in need of closeness themselves, I never felt like I could ever return the sentiment back. Unsurprisingly I don’t feel I deserve what I can’t give, but I don’t believe I can give what I don’t have (love of course). 

I still feel the same helplessness and yet despite my awareness I can’t seem to ever break through. I’ve had therapy for years but faked my way till everyone thought I was “ok” enough to not need it anymore. Now look at me now. A loser who everyone thinks he can sort his own shit out given time, when I’ve felt like I could literally kill myself and no one would know for weeks. I want at least it out there how I felt, but grasping around just feels like every connection is so ethereal

I’ve said I’m ok plenty of times. And every time it was the fattest most blatant lie I’ve ever told. And every time still, it was good enough, since just those words were enough for everyone to move on. Everyone except for me.

[hagakure-d]

I'd like to feel home again one day...

[drowning-trees]

Sometimes I just really resent myself. Why am I so stupid? I have no one to talk to. No one would understand anyway.

[all-the-words-i-will-never-say]

Looking for Heaven, found the Devil in me.

It seems as though we’re all striving for personal greatness, for achievement, for rewards.

We all want to be great, to be remembered, to do something that matters.

But it appears that in most cases we have such high expectations of ourselves that we make it nigh near impossible to actually achieve anything we want.

We want to find that thing that we’re great at and we want to excel at it and make it our own and create something magical.

Amidst all this soul searching however, we usually find the things that’ll hold us back.

We find reasons and excuses, we convince ourselves we’re not good enough. We talk ourselves down and begin to think that our dream could never be made a reality.

It seems that all we want is to be great, but all we let ourselves be is mediocre. 

No matter how much you want something, you just can’t see past the voice in your head which is telling you you’re not good enough.

But you know what?

Fuck the voice in your head.

Forget everything that you thinks not good about you, forget the perfectionist you’ve molded yourself into and just go for what you want.

The world’s made it pretty clear that it doesn’t owe you anything, nothing is handed to you on a plate, so don’t expect everything to come easy.

Go after what you want, you owe yourself that.

Because the voice in your head doesn’t know jack. 

[haightimashbury]

My expectations of you are here on the ground again, with the life beaten out of them, struggling to breathe. You have no idea how many times I've wanted to leave. You also have no idea how much I care.