Since Corona I am living with my parents again, in my old room upstairs. The Man who will make me ruin my life just for His amusement told me to be lying in my bed, when my parents come home in the evening after a meeting they attended – masturbating to abusive porn, the door left open. Actually , it was a humiliating, self destructive fantasy of mine that brought Him that idea. I never would have guessed that He would go so far, but He did. I agreed but secretly was convinced that I would never be able to really do this. But then yesterday my parents were gone, I was super horny and so I finally started to live out the scenario – lying on my bed, the door open, my pants around my ankles, the laptop before me, watching abusive porn, super loud, though I had earphones in.
And finally they came, I hadn’t heard them coming, the sound was too loud. I only noticed them when they stood in my door but I pretended not to see them. Then they were gone, after a few seconds, and I nearly immediately came – and they must have heard that too. After that I started crying, wishing desperately I could turn back time and undo what I just had done. But it was too late for that – and apart from that I already became horny again. I am so sick.
A bit later, when I went to the bathroom, I met my mum, she told me to please close my door „in certain situations“ – it was one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. The thing is that of course they must have been aware that I may masturbate – well, most people do, right? But being so sloppy not to care enough to not be seen, that must have shocked them – but most of all that I do it to porn, and not just any porn. Abusive, violent porn, seeing my moaning, fingering myself like crazy watching that. They just cannot but see me as a lower person now. And the sickest thing is that I feel that I need this, that this is what I deserve.
It was, I think, the lowest moment of my life. But I think I will go much much lower.
