\Selfie "Stick in the Mud" 112
Allow me to use this NPH gif again. Because NPH gifs always express things better than I ever could.
We have ONE episode left. ONE.
UNO.
EINS.
UN.
There's no choice. Someone has got to #saveSelfie. The #SelfieSquad over on Twitter has been working overtime tweeting and emailing and calling pretty much every network we can conceive of. That is how dedicated we are.
Don't you want a fandom like this?
Come on, networks! If you don't pick up Selfie I will personally send Daenerys Targaryen after you.
And she has fucking dragons.
As we open on "Stick in the Mud", Eliza in VO is informing us that only three geniuses have ever existed in the history of history.
And no. Not one of them is Einstein.
These are the 3 geniuses, according to Eliza:
(Warning: don't Google "creepy twat". You will get many links to scary British porn sites. Unless you're into that sort of thing. Then by all means.)
She is thanking that dubious skank today because her sister, Bethany, keeps calling. And she hates Bethany because...well you'll see why.
Today, Eliza is donning a faux fur vest that sort of makes her look like a yeti.
Just call her Elizilla.
After she hastily pushes "ignore" to Bethany's call, she climbs onto the elevator, where she runs into Henners. And he has a big ole grin on his cutey-patooty face.
Eh. Sort of. But let's turn down the creepy a few notches, okay?
Close enough.
What is he so excited about?
Well, SamSaperstein is going to announce KinderKare's Annual 10K Run.
I only run if someone is chasing me with an ax. And even then, I'd try to reason with him.
"Look, Mr. Psycho Dude, I can run amok through this sleepy little suburban town all you want, but don't you get exhausted? How about, instead, I fix us both a nice cup of cocoa and we talk about our issues face to face?"
Raj behind them helpfully adds that Henry wins the competition every year. His silhouette is even featured on the poster.
Why is Henry so "into" the 10K? Because all his life, people told him that he was too small, too weak, not fast enough. Give up your dreams, Higgs. Well, he sure showed them! This is the 6th annual race, and Henry has come out the victor in all 5 so far.
In the lobby, Charmonique informs Eliza that her sister has called...again.
Henners is floored that she has family at all.
You've known Eliza for how long now?
Someone must have "Tom Hanks'd her ass back to civilization" because she keeps frigging calling.
After Char gives her the number where Bethany can be reached, Eliza grudgingly admits that her whole family is alive. Unfortunately.
Henry is appalled! No one should ever wish their families dead!
Charmonique pipes up to admit she has. But only after her brother stabbed her that one time.
Well, yeah, if you're gonna split hairs!
Henners doesn't understand, Eliza entreaties. Bethany is a monster!
Henry turns back to Eliza. Bethany can't be that bad, can she?
Charmonique isn't done.
Truth: as a kid, my cousin was pants-shittingly terrified of horror movies. My friend and I thought this was hilarious so we decided to introduce her to my cadre of horror films. We went easy on her, or so we assumed, with Bride of Chucky. During the opening credits, she started bawling and raced out of the room.
True story.
Whatever. Bethany tortured poor Eliza with her awesomeness throughout her entire childhood. She often felt like the redheaded stepchild. Except they were both redheads. And biologically related.
There were pictures of Bethany everywhere growing up--
(Right?! It can't be just me. I'd be mortified to have that portrait out for the world to see.)
--but none of Eliza.
If my mom had a picture of me when I was 12 hanging up in the living room? I'd totes burn the house down.
The lack of baby pictures her parents bragged about growing up is likely why Eliza's so obsessed with documenting herself now as an adult.
But Charmonique is there to give her some hindsight.
I'm starting to think Charmonique's brother is Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son.
Eliza could never live up to her sister. She always got straight As, her hair always looked perfect, she always cried prettily, and she never ever farted.
So Bethany is going to explode some day.
Bethany is like Kim Jong-un, according to his followers. She, like him, doesn't even have a butthole.
(Aside: anyone see The Interview? It's hilarious. Definitely worth the 6 dollar rental on Google Play. Every viewing is a win for Freedom of Speech and stuff, yadda, yadda, yadda.)
Henners suggests that she may have changed. Eliza certainly has!
Sometimes, difficult people come into our lives to challenge us. And Eliza has never backed away from a challenge.
Henry implores her to call her sister back.
Henry also implores Charmonique to stay away from her psycho brother.
After the credits, we are in the conference room, where SamSaperstein is asking an important question: what does KinderKare do when KinderKare sees a sick child?
That's what many of my exes did when they found out about my illness. Though they were decidedly not running for a cure.
Henry, of course, is totes stoked. He believes SamSaperstein is about to announce the commencement of the Annual 10K Race.
You know. The one featuring his silhouette on the poster.
You know you've made it when your shadow is featured on a poster.
I guess.
But SamSaperstein is totally over the 10K. So, instead, this year is KinderKare's 1st Annual Kares for Kinders Mud Run.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Ready?
Does that stance remind you of anyone?
Man, my tolerance for Freddy reached an all-time low this episode. Everything he does I just find annoying.
Look at that smug bastard. I'm surprised he isn't sniffing his own farts.
Also, mad props to Giacomo Gianniotti. His role is pretty thankless, even if Freddy has moments of non-douchiness. We all love to hate Mr. Potato Douche. He injects just the right amount of annoying smarm into the character.
Henners looks confuzzled. SamSaperstein calls Mr. Potato Douche up to the front for the "first annual ripping of the 10K poster".
And yes, they are going to be ripping the poster--the one with Henry's silhouette--every year.
Mr. Potato Douche is a 3-year veteran of the mud run circuit. And he wants to welcome everybody to the exciting new world of getting all gross.
Henry is not happeh. He thinks this is an "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" situation. But Mr. Potato Douche counters that it's "Sounds hella cool; let's do it" situation.
But in case anyone wants to be a wussy little wussy, there are other ways to help out in lieu of running the course.
Take Eliza for example. She's singing up for refreshments because the company gives her 300 dollars, she just sticks some random snacks from home in the cooler, and she pockets the rest.
Outside of the conference room, Mr. Potato Douche catches up to his--ugh--girlfriend by asking her if she's--
Eliza is not amused, as you can plainly see. She figured they were getting more serious. And serious couples do more than just...have sex and call each other stupid sex names.
Mr. Potato Douche got them tickets to Pippin.
Is she being upset that they don't do anything but fool around, which is totally reasonable, another one of Henry's assignments? Because Mr. Potato Douche does not want him to keep sticking his nose into their relationship.
Actually, he said "big, stupid--".
Brace yourselves. Freddy is on with his mastery of the Douche this episode.
Eliza insists that Henry does not control everything she does. On cue, Bethany calls and Eliza excuses herself because Henry told her she has to take the call.
Mr. Potato Douche is so insecure. It's fan-frigging-tastic.
On the elevator, Mr. Potato Douche shows off how in shape he is by reaching the 'vator just as it's closing.
Mr. Potato Douche is so sorry he hijacked Henry's event.
(Cha, I bet.)
Is he cool with the mud run?
Henry is totally cool, thank you.
Good. Because some of the ladies have been complaining.
Girl Powah!
SamSaperstein gets on and steps into Referee Mode.
*Referee Voice* And in this cornah, the Asian Import--
(Henry was born in Van Nuys.)
--fast as he is sexy, a study of superior engineering, Henry Higgs!
*Referee Voice* And in this cornah, the Adonis, carved out of Italian-Canadian marble, not an ounce of wasted mass on his exquisite frame, Mr. Potat--I mean, Freddy Hill!
Who will be the victor?
SamSaperstein doesn't know because Henry has yet to "nut up".
As in sign up.
Mr. Potato Douche concurs. Nut up, Henry.
I know SamSaperstein said it first, but out of Mr. Potato Douche's mouth, "Nut up" is so much toolier.
Henry was conditioning his body for the rigors of ten kilometers. Not a frigging mud run.
It's all about change.
Henners would concur with you, Simba.
It'll shock his system, Mr. Potato Douche insists. SamSaperstein agrees. He shocks his body every day. Then he performs some random push-ups in the 'vator.
Only at KinderKare, guys.
Of course, Mr. Potato Douche starts doing some squats of his own, and, after some hesitation--likely marveling that they are doing exercises in an elevator--Henry joins in.
He has to get his bloodstream oxygenated. Bonjour, bloodstream!
At Eliza's apartment, she is physically--as well as mentally--preparing for Bethany's visit. They had barely spoken since they were teenagers, but Eliza follows Bethany on Instagram, so she knows everything there is to know about her.
Her perfect brunches.
Her homemade lunches.
Her husband.
The vomit-inducing handwritten notes he leaves her on her steering wheel.
She and her friends on a 7-day cleanse.
And her 2013 Basic Bitch Beemer.
Bethany knocks on the door and singsongs her arrival.
Every time Eliza hears her voice, it's like she's 5 years old again, feeling inadequate.
Eliza needs Me-Muffs again.
Eliza braces herself, fixes her hair, has a brief flashback to Bethany knocking her down as a kid, and throws the door open.
Bethany looks truly delighted to see her sister. But Eliza is obviously faking it. She dodges the sisterly hug Bethany offers.
When she walks in, Bethany remarks that Eliza's place is "so her". Eliza offers her a seat, but first she must remove the pay stub she recently received from being KinderKare's top performing sales rep.
And also the cut crystal champagne glasses she received for the same thing.
Bethany says, "Looks like someone is good at her job!" and Eliza takes this to mean that Bethany can't believe she's good at anything.
I am torn between understanding how Eliza feels and feeling bad for Bethany. It's hard feeling like your sibling is perfect in every way. And, granted, Bethany does do some annoying things. She blurts out right away that she's having a baby without really discussing what's going on in Eliza's life.
And, when she takes out her bottle of champagne to toast to the good news, she declares Eliza's flutes not clean enough.
She also cannot not have the last word, which will become evident later.
First commercial break. Kraft cheese.
Once, when I was trolling the dairy aisle at the supermarket for some cheese, I picked up a package of Kraft and scanned the ingredients. The one thing missing? Cheese.
There was no cheese in that cheese.
In Henners's office, he's watching videos of Mr. Potato Douche at various mud runs and grimacing, sure that it all has to be photoshopped.
Eliza bursts in, upset about Bethany's uterine not-so-secret. In her words, "the best thing that ever happened me didn't happen to me". Bethany only visited her to make her feel like her own life can't hold a candle to her perfect one.
She is sure that he sister got pregnant just to piss her off because the due date is in October and Eliza's birthday is in October, too. The baby stole the month of October from her!
Or something.
Can't Eliza just be happy for her?
Meanwhile, Henry is stalking/sizing up Mr. Potato Douche, trying to understand how he operates on the mud field. He doesn't want to look like an idiot out there, especially in front of his "frienemy", Mr. Potato Douche.
Eliza's right. Never use that word, Henry. That word doesn't suit you.
It's like of Henry started calling Eliza "THOT".
She suggests that he ask for Mr. Potato Douche's help. Because that can't end with a massive fail or anything.
After all, don't challenging people come into our lives for a reason?
No, as we are soon to learn. Sometimes "challenging" people are just huge d-bags.
So Henry swallows his pride and goes to Mr. Potato Douche for help training. They are hiking through the great Los Angeles wilderness in the next scene.
It's a role reversal because usually Henners is advising Eliza and now Henners has come crawling to he, Mr. Potato Douche, for assistance.
He is rubbing this in his face. Eliza was wrong. Nothing in the world could ever make those two friends.
Henry begins to correct him, starting to say that in a true role reversal, it would be Eliza helping Henry, not Mr. Potato Douche With A Super Douchey Bandana.
"Whatever, dude. Don't be so literal. Literal people can suck it."
DOUCHE POWER!
Mr. Potato Douche wants to start with a simple monologue that will clear their minds. Or whatever.
That monologue goes like this: "Freddy, help me. Help me, please. Without you, I'm nothing. I'm down on my knees. Freddy, you're strong, and I am so weak. My spirit is old, but yours is at its peak."
Mr. Potato Douche swears that he's just messing with him. But the animosity between them that comes to a boiling point later is testament that he is not. At all.
The best advice he does give is that Henry cannot really prepare. He just has to show up and take what the mud run throws at him.
So, namely, mud.
At Eliza's apartment, Bethany is on the phone with her husband while Eliza is packing the cooler. She tells him she thinks the baby will give her sister some more direction. A new purpose. Because it just has to.
Okay, Bethany is a wee bit insufferable.
Bethany's husband wants to talk to the baby. So Bethany does this:
Eliza rolls her eyes and points out that Bethany's baby likely doesn't even have ears yet.
Bethany tells her hubby that she won't be doing anything exciting today. Just meeting all the people Eliza works with.
Yup. Definitely a bit insufferable.
Eliza tells her that she can't do "Bethany things" at the mud run. You know, like take all the attention off Eliza and onto her. Bethany promises that she will just follow her lead today.
Which means that she won't point out that if Eliza doesn't change now, they're gonna be late.
Not according to Waze.
Bethany cannot function without obtaining that last word.
Eliza orders her out of her apartment.
At the mud race location, Henners and Mr. Potato Douche are stretching. Only Henry offers to help Eliza with the sustenance she bought, which consists of a keg, a deli platter, pastries, a big ass bag of hot Cheetos, and some coffee boxes, none of which are recommended for a race.
Where's the Gatorade, Eliza?
But it's Miller Lite!
Henry volunteers to run out and get some water. He's afraid people will get dehydrated.
Mr. Potato Douche warns him not to get uptight. Relax and loosen his muscles.
And repeat after him:
Bethany, wheeling the humongous keg (even though she's preggers), asks Eliza if she can wheel it in the shade. This is likely so that the overheated runners can get out of the sun, but Eliza takes it as Bethany attempting to shield her refreshments from everyone.
Bethany also brought water and bananas. Which, granted, are far more conducive refreshments to mud race-running.
Everyone, including Mr. Potato Douche--he actually is the first one to flee over there--takes Bethany up on her offer. Henry wants to as well, but he knows Eliza will legit shank him if he moves a muscle toward that picnic table.
At the starting line, Henry and Mr. Potato Douche are trading barbs. Mr. Potato Douche thinks Henners is trying to get into his head because he pointed out he's been favoring his left leg.
Well what about Mr. Potato Douche up on the mountain? Making him kneel in the dirt and beg for help! (Because he's a massive tool, Henry. You know this.) Mr. Potato Douche insists he was trying to break him down and build him back up.
If Henry doesn't want Mr. Potato Douche's help, he just got another obstacle in the course.
It's on. Bro.
SamSaperstein, in a fabulous red bowtie, is at the starting line giving a commencement speech. Or about to give one. But he decides to shock his employees' bodies.
Oh, SamSaperstein.
The race begins. Mr. Potato Douche pushes Henry out of the way because he sucks.
Second commercial break. Walmart's having a Christmas Clearance Sale.
When we come back, Bethany is giving Charmonique a little pep talk. She can totally win this race if she sets her mind to it!
Charmonique is charmed. She would be totes honored if her baby's middle name was Charmonique.
Despite the gender.
Charmon?
That sounds like...if Bob Marley hawked toilet paper.
After Charmonique walks off to participate in the race after all, Eliza stomps up to Bethany. What was she doing? If she knew Charmonique at all, Bethany would know that she likely couldn't do it. And she will likely hurt herself trying. Which is a good point.
The only reason Bethany came here this weekend was to undermine Eliza. Everything she has ever done has been to make her feel like crap. She congratulates her on making yet another human who will think Bethany is better than her.
Bethany storms off, upset. I can't blame her.
Raj: Wow. You really showed that kind and generous pregnant woman.
On the track, everyone is crawling through the mud. And Henners looks really frigging hot all dirty.
It's a good thing they're behind Mr. Potato Douche, Larry states. He's such an inspiration!
Then, Larry, fittingly, collapses.
Henners races on, leaving Larry to flail in the mud, hoping to catch up with and eventually beat Mr. Potato Douche.
After he scales the rope wall, he looks around, flabbergasted that Mr. Potato Douche got so far so fast.
Hold yer horses there, Henners.
He did spend 16 grand learning to ride.
Mr. Potato Douche has a major bone to pick with Henners. He's always talking down to him! Making him feel stupid!
Relaysh. RELAYSH. Out of every tool-y thing he's done, I think the employment of this phrase is the tooliest.
Henry lives to undermine Mr. Potato Douche! Because Henners's WHOLE LIFE revolves around him!
They fight in the mud. Henry briefly gets the upper hand, calling him undermining. Always challenging everything he says. Making cracks about his age--and Henners is supposed to be, what? Late 30s?--besmirching his neckties.
Henry is just, like, TOTALLY jealous of Mr. Potato Douche!
Henry's hair is kickass in and of itself, thank you very much!
His hair wishes to be Mr. Potato Douche's!
Etcetera.
He pushes our dear Henners in the mud and runs off.
I told you to brace yourself for the Ultimate in Douchetasticness.
At Eliza's apartment, Bethany is throwing clothes around. When Eliza asks her what the hell she's doing, Bethany tells her that she is re-messing up the apartment. Just like Eliza had it before.
Someday, when Eliza has new life swelling in her belly--"Oh, here we go!" Eliza cries--Bethany will be there for her.
Because she's perfect.
No. Because she will understand.
They have it out. Eliza says Bethany has no idea what it was like growing up as the surplus child. Their parents were always so proud of Bethany. Bethany's first haircut. Bethany's first crap on the potty. Their parents never showed Eliza any love or appreciation.
Mostly because they were going through a divorce. And yes, Bethany was shown more attention than Eliza. And it's not her fault. But it's not Eliza's either. It just...happened. And it sucks. It really sucks. But it doesn't mean that they loved Bethany any more or Eliza any less.
Eliza always felt like, as soon as she was born, their family fell apart at the seams. And Bethany always secretly blamed her. Which wasn't the case at all. It's what kids do, taking things too personally. But they're not kids any longer.
It's a lovely sisterly moment.
Maybe she and Bethany are finally done competing with each other.
And they can go back to just...being sisters. For Eliza to be the most awesome aunt ever, an actual part of her niece or nephew's life.
Last commercial break. Subway.
The sandwich place. Not the train.
In that order.
Henners and Mr. Potato Douche are completing the course to the tune of the Monday Night Football theme (according to my good friend, the [descriptive audio captions]). In slow motion. Both are obviously trying to kick the other's ass.
So that means--
Seriously. People--mostly hockey fans--have rioted over a tie.
Since they did indeed tie, they decide to let bygones be bygones. Like in Rocky 3.
Eliza is proud of them. She blows a kiss. They both catch it.
Wait. Henners and Mr. Potato Douche tied for second place. So who came in first?
It's Charmonique! Bethany's pep talk really did the trick!
Now she's got a big ass trophy for her trouble.
Sometimes people can, truly, surprise you. Bethany was right. They aren't kids anymore.
That inspires Eliza to call her mom, with Henners gazing at her proudly.
This episode was adorable.
How much do you wanna bet that Henry soon realizes that he's in love with Eliza? And she's, for some reason, still with Mr. Potato Douche? We know he has feelings for her but he will come to realize the true depth of them.
That's if we succeed in our #saveSelfie endeavors.
Which we will, damnit!
Now I didn't have an opportunity to use this pic so I shall include it here.
Look! Look! An actual, honest to God Sad Panda!
It's totes adorbs!
Thankies to ibong-adarna for bringing this cuteness to my attention!
