Self Para 1
Date: June 7th, 2018 Age: 19 Location: Village of Freyew, Ly’Lor’Ke Description: How Daniel's first relationship ended. The ex: Wenfrin “Wen” Zov (fc: Luke Hemmings, but specifically Luke Hemmings with this general kind of vibe https://static.wikia.nocookie.net/5sos/images/2/29/Such_wow.jpg/revision/latest/smart/width/250/height/250?cb=20150617084933 . Ignore all other Luke Hemmings stuff, I don’t know the guy) Accompanying song: Midnight Rain - Taylor Swift (Midnights)
The gentle snore coming from the head resting on his shoulder told Daniel that he was now the only person watching the film. That was alright. He knew that Wenfrin had only agreed to watch it because it would make him happy; musicals weren’t really his boyfriend’s thing. He also knew that Wen’d had a busy afternoon tending to crops. Daniel’s afternoon had been just as busy with the same, so he knew firsthand how tiring it could be. So he wasn’t really upset, just the tiniest bit disappointed at another date night where it had been his turn to pick the activity, and Wen dozed off during the film he picked - or used it as background for chatting, or to make out to. Not that he could really be upset about any of those, either. He liked talking to his boyfriend, and everything else they got up to together during movies. It would be nice if they could really watch a movie together every once in a while, too, but he didn’t quite know how to ask for that without making it sound like he was unhappy, when he wasn’t. For now though, he reckoned he ought to pause the film so that he could let Wen rest, and watch the rest on his own later. Except that when he paused the film, the snoring stopped and the weight of Wen’s head on his shoulder lifted. Whoops.
“Sorry, did I doze off?” Wen asked as he shifted slightly away from Daniel to stretch his arms, then settled back in again. He glanced at now-paused paused movie, then back to Daniel again. “We can keep watching, if you like.”
Daniel considered his options, then shook his head. “No, that’s alright. It is getting a little late - probably won’t have time to finish it anyway. We can leave it off,” he suggested, trying to push away that little disappointed feeling that came again at Wen looking relieved. He had every right to not want to watch a movie right now, Daniel reminded himself.
“If you’re sure,” Wen answered, tail end of the sentence trailing off into a yawn as he settled back into his boyfriend’s arms, a small furrow appearing between his brows. “Sorry I’ve been so tired lately - fieldwork’s been taking a lot out of me.”
“It’s alright, I know how this time of year is,” Daniel allowed, carding his fingers through the leaves atop Wen’s head.
“Still, it’ll be worth it come harvest. I heard the council’s considering doing something extra for the harvest festival this year if the yield’s high. Which it will be,” Wen enthused, appearing to come out of his sleepiness somewhat at the prospect of something exciting.
Daniel felt a small pang at that, the reminder of a time in the not too terribly distant future when life in this little town would go on without him, when Wen would be here without him. “You’ll have to tell me all about it,” he encouraged anyway, reminding himself that he was going to have to get used to missing harvest festivals and a whole lot more than that before too long.
“What d’you mean?” Wen asked, evidently confused - which in turn had Daniel confused.
“Erm - I mean… I’d like to hear about it?” Daniel answered uncertainly, suddenly worried that the issue had been him saying Wen ‘had’ to tell him about it, which was more a figure of speech than anything else. “Sorry, I didn’t mean - it’d be really nice if you felt up to telling me about it, but I s’pose I could always hear about it from someone else?” He didn’t think the harvest festival was a particularly sensitive subject, though. Did that just mean that Wen wasn’t going to want to tell him anything at all, come that time of year? Oh no, was that what Wen meant?
“That isn’t -” Wen cut off, still looking pretty confused. He began again. “What I’m wondering is, why would you need someone to tell you about it? Wouldn’t you be able to just see it for yourself?”
Oh… oh no. Daniel just stared for a moment as the panic rose, unable to make sense of the situation or find the words to talk through it. He hadn’t forgotten to tell Wen that he was planning on leaving town when he came of age, had he? No, that was stupid, he definitely hadn’t forgotten to mention it. He’d known Wen for ages, and he’d been one of the first people he’d told when he’d made up his mind. He’d brought it up since then too of course, plenty of times - though he hadn’t mentioned it much lately, because he’d seen how sad Wen seemed to get when he brought it up. Which was understandable; he wasn’t exactly looking forward to being far away from his boyfriend either. Would they even be boyfriends at that point? They hadn’t talked about it. Oh, no. Was Wen planning on cutting off contact? Is that why he’d been confused about talking about the harvest festival? Wait, no, Wen had literally just said the part he was wondering about was why he would need someone to tell him about it. Which again, didn’t make sense, because Daniel had definitely mentioned his plans of leaving town once he came of age. “Wen… the festival’s weeks after my birthday,” Daniel reminded his boyfriend gently, having come to the conclusion that that was the piece that Wen must have forgotten. That was a little disappointing, but he told himself not to get worked up about it. It was just a day; anyone could forget.
“Right, I know that,” Wen assured him, still looking confused, until – he pulled back, sitting up straight to look at Daniel head on. “Hang on, do you mean to say… are you still planning on – on leaving?”
Daniel hadn’t been expecting that at all. Not the question, and certainly not the hurt expression on Wen’s face as he asked it. “I, well – yes,” Daniel replied hesitantly, still pretty confused. Why wouldn’t he be leaving? It had been a couple months since he’d brought it up, sure. But only because it seemed like it wasn’t something Wen wanted to hear about. “I… I told you I was planning to, didn’t I? And, erm - I never changed my mind and said I wasn’t going to…?”
“But you didn’t mention it when I asked you out,” Wen protested. Perhaps he saw how that failed to clear up the confusion in Daniel’s expression, because he deflated a little, and added in a quieter voice, “I just… I don’t know. I guess when you said yes, I… I just thought you might have decided to stay. For us?”
“I… what…?” It was taking a moment for Daniel to catch up to that train of thought. It did occur to him that he probably should have said something more than that, but his mind was still reeling too much to work out what. He wanted to be a performer, a dancer. That was always what he’d wanted ever since he’d known what that was. It hadn’t taken him much longer to work out that there wasn’t exactly much need for dancers in Freyew - as much as he loved his family and friends, he would have to leave them to live someplace else if he was going to stand a chance of making that dream come true. He’d liked Wen for ages, and yes, it was bittersweet that they had less than a year to be together in the same place, but it had genuinely never occurred to him to put his plans on hold. If he was understanding this right, it seemed the concept had not just occurred to Wen, but had been deemed the most likely outcome. Which… what? He’d already said that though. “Sorry, I just… I like you, a lot. But I can’t - I can’t just stay put because we’re… I can’t stay here for you.” This felt very obvious to Daniel, and yet he felt just terrible as he was saying it. Obvious to him as it was, and as clear as he thought he had made it to Wen that he was leaving town when he came of age, it had clearly been far from obvious to his boyfriend. It was sort of hard to look at Wen now, actually, guilty as he felt for the expression on his boyfriend’s face. But looking down would be even worse, when it was his fault Wen was looking like that - and not saying anything either, Daniel was quick to notice, though he forced himself to be patient and let Wen collect his thoughts.
“... Oh,” was all Wen said after several moments, looking away from Daniel and down at the floor as he spoke.
That… wasn’t a lot for Daniel to go on. What did ‘oh’ mean? He waited several beats longer for Wen to elaborate, trying to keep his panic at bay all the while. “Oh?” he finally repeated, a question in his tone as well as his gaze - as if that would make Wen look at him again, somehow.
Whether the question was what prompted it or not, his boyfriend did look at him again after another moment. “I don’t know what else you want me to say. I mean, where does this leave us?” Wen finally asked.
“Well, my birthday isn’t for months, still,” Daniel answered, slightly confused. It was four months out still - almost five. Not all the time in the world, but enough that he was a little confused why Wen was asking where it left them right now.
“Right, but you’re leaving right after that,” Wen answered, sounding rather stressed. “I just mean - did you think I was going to come with you? That we would be long distance? Were you just planning on dumping me?”
“Erm –” Right, Daniel felt absolutely horrible now. “Erm – I mean. It would be lovely if you wanted to come along, but I wasn’t expecting it. And, erm – sort of the same for long distance,” he admitted, getting progressively quieter as he spoke. “I – I was going to ask you what you wanted to do, but – you never seemed to want to talk about it, so…”
“So you were just going to leave one day without saying anything?” Wen asked. That… didn’t feel like a fair question to Daniel, but the way Wen looked and sounded so distressed as he said it took priority.
“I wasn’t - I mean - I was going to talk about it, I just. I thought you didn’t want to talk about it yet, and… I’m not leaving just yet, so…” Daniel almost said again that his birthday wasn’t for several months, but it didn’t feel like that would help. He wanted to reach out to try and comfort Wen, too, but - based on the way he seemed to be gradually recoiling further even still, that probably wasn’t the way to go. “I thought you just wanted to save it for later, so I was trying to respect that. I didn’t… I didn’t realize you didn’t know it was a conversation that needed to be had at all,” he finished instead, mumbling a little towards the end. “But, erm… we can talk about it now?”
“I don’t know what there is to talk about,” Wen answered after several painfully long seconds. “You’re leaving, and I’m staying here. And I don’t see how a long distance relationship would work… unless you’re planning on moving back at some point?”
There was a little hope in Wen’s eyes at that last part, it looked like. Daniel hated to snuff it out, and his thoughts raced for something, anything that might make this better. “I’d be back to visit, but… no, I don’t plan on moving back,” he admitted. He wasn’t quite able to look Wen in the eye as he said it, which only made him feel all the worse. He really was a rubbish boyfriend, wasn’t he? He chewed at the edge of his lip.
“Right, then - I suppose I’m not sure what we’re doing,” Wen finally said when he spoke up again, sounding rather defeated.
That got Daniel to look at him again. It was feeling rather hard to breathe suddenly, and Daniel had to remind himself that he very much needed to do that. Even if it sounded like… was Wen breaking up with him? “What… what do you mean?”
“I mean - I’m staying here, and you’re moving away in a few months. What are we…” Wen paused, took a deep breath, and continued. “Why are we together, if you’re just going to leave?”
Breathing normally wasn’t getting any easier. “W-well, I’m here now? And we - I really like you… and you told me you like me too?” Daniel’s answer sounded rather like a question.
“But that’s not enough,” came Wen’s immediate reply. Daniel couldn’t help but flinch back at that. Perhaps Wen decided that had been too harsh, because he sighed - though he still looked rather upset as he continued. “I just mean - yeah, I like you. But if this can’t go anywhere, I don’t… I don’t think it makes sense to keep seeing each other.”
Oh. “Oh,” was all Daniel managed to say, feeling rather small. Sounding rather small too, most likely. He opened his mouth again, though to say what he wasn’t sure. That he was here now, and would be for several months still? Wen already knew that. He closed his mouth again, then opened it. “I, erm - are you breaking up with me?” His vision was starting to blur, he realized - oh no, he couldn’t start crying. Later, certainly, but not while Wen was breaking up with him. He attempted to blink the tears away, but it didn’t work. Why wasn’t it working?
“I don’t want to break up with you. But if you aren’t going to stay, then… yeah, I think I am.”
“Oh.” Oh no, Daniel had already said that. He probably sounded so stupid right now, repeating himself. But he might as well sound stupid, seeing as he was an idiot for leading Wen on. He hadn’t thought that was what he’d been doing, even in the slightest. Part of him still felt compelled to point out that he wasn’t leaving for several months yet, but he pushed that urge back - clearly, it didn’t matter. “I’m - I’m sorry.” Suddenly he could see more clearly, and he realized that was because the tears that had been filling his eyes had spilled over. No, no no no no, he wasn’t supposed to cry right now. He wiped the tears away quickly, as if that would make up for crying in the first place.
“Yeah… me too,” Wen said quietly. Maybe it was Daniel’s imagination, but it looked like his eyes were wetter than usual, too - oh no, he didn’t want to make Wen cry, but - oh, too late. “I’d better get going…” Wen shifted, moving as if to stand up.
Daniel startled at that - he still hadn’t fully processed that Wen was breaking up with him, and he was already leaving? Don’t go. That was what he wanted to say, but - wouldn’t it be terribly selfish of him to ask that? When staying was the one thing he was refusing to give Wen, himself? He tried to take a deep breath, but it ended up being a series of shallow ones instead. “I – okay,” he said instead, barely audible. There was something new in Wen’s expression at that. Fresh disappointment? Had he been hoping Daniel would change his mind and decide that no, he would stick around in Freyew? Then the shift in expression was gone, and Daniel decided he must have imagined it.
Wen stood up. “I’ll… see you around, I guess.”
It seemed like he was lingering a little, so Daniel stood up too. “I, erm - yeah, I can w-walk you out.” Courtesy was running on autopilot, it seemed, even if he was too overwhelmed and upset to make the offer without stammering. Was it even a good thing to offer? Walking Wen to the door just meant they would both see each other crying for longer, and even if he hadn’t bolted for the door immediately, his now-ex was clearly in a hurry to be leaving. He walked with him anyway, though he didn’t get the door - Wen was in such a rush that he had that covered, it seemed. “I – I’m sorry.” There was a part of him that still felt like this wasn’t his fault, that couldn’t understand why Wen would break up with him just like that over something he’d thought he’d communicated months ago. But for the most part, he just felt like a horrible person.
