dollhouse

[livxwinslet]

imogenxcarlisle:

Having not heard even the smallest indication of anyone being behind her, Immy jumped in surprise at the sound of Liv’s voice. Turning around, she laughed and shook her head in disbelief -equally amused and embarrassed by her reaction. “Christ, Liv! Where’d you learn to sneak up on people like that?” Perhaps it was best not to know the answer. Before the woman got the chance to reply she laughed, “Jesus Christ, you almost gave me a heart attack.” With one hand she gave Liv a playful shove, but as the girl stumbled backwards she grabbed Immy’s hand, causing her to stumble forwards. 

She landed on top of Liv with a small ‘oh’, her body pressing against Liv’s. Immy was about to pull away when she glanced at the woman’s face. If her heart wasn’t racing before it certainly was now. She had never been so close to Liv as she was now. It was a habit of Immy’s to keep space between others and herself. Touch wasn’t something she was used to unless she invited it. Though being so close to Liv was an accident Immy knew that she wouldn’t protest if Liv were to touch her. Her face was merely centimeters away and as Immy’s eyes flickered down to Liv’s lips, her breath caught in her throat. It wasn’t right to look at a woman the way she was, to think about pressing her lips against her own, running her fingers through her hair, past the curve of her neck and to her breasts. It wasn’t right and yet here she was thinking about it anyway. 

It was no lie that Liv was a very loud person. She would talk to anyone, cause a huge fit with no embarrassment, scream at people in public. Anything went when it came to her. But if she so chose, she could be silent. Her childhood had trained her to be invisible and out of the way of her parents, so she could walk with silent footsteps and breath through her nose just so, in a way no one would ever know she was there. However, she wasn’t expecting the shove she was being given. If it wasn’t Immy, she’d of caught her footing and lunged right back at them, but this time, instead, she grabbed the girl’s hand in an attempt to pull her down and into the snow with her.

No burst of laughter followed the stunt and Liv automatically knew what had changed; the sexual tension. It would have been impossible for Immy not to of been able to feel the curves beneath her, with Liv not wearing anything thick, and the other girl probably hadn’t been this close to a female in quite some time. It was bound to turn her on, and knowing that was turning Liv on in return. But, sadly for Liv, they wouldn’t be able to hide for long. She wouldn’t be able to lean up and connect their lips, wouldn’t be able to use that connection to pull Immy in closer. Because the truth was, Liv didn’t feel butterflies- she never had before, not with anyone. Of course she was horny, the dampness obvious between her thighs with that distinct feeling in her gut, but it wasn’t out of love. There were no feelings there. She liked Immy’s body, liked the thought of seeing her vulnerable and withering beneath her in such intimate situations, but there was no such thing as ‘making love’ in Liv’s world. Not with boys and not with girls. 

In one quick movement, she was flipping them so she was the one on top and Imogen was down in the snow. One of Liv’s legs were on each side of her and her hair fell down between them, blocking everything else from view. “Careful, sneaky girl,” She whispered, moving closer, closer, closer, so her lips were basically brushing against Immy’s. But then, in the next instant, she was pulling back and up, not missing any heavy breathing. “Bets’ll be here in thirty seconds.”

[livxwinslet]

imogenxcarlisle:

Immy’s lips twitched in amusement. Imogen. Very formal and oddly reassuring. “I don’t doubt it.” Liv had been on the ward far longer than Immy had. If anyone knew how things worked around here, and how to manipulate the system, Immy  had no doubt Liv was that person. She wasn’t worried about getting caught. If she did Immy was sure she would be able to come up with some excuse. Perhaps she would say she went looking for a nurse, or thought she heard one of the phones ringing in the office. As long as the nurses didn’t keep an eye on her afterwards Immy would be fine.

Liv definitely didn’t strike Immy as the sort of person who would go easy on anyone. Nor was she the sort of person who would care about such a thing. Other people may have minded that but not Immy. In some ways she preferred it. The snowball hit her shoulder with a soft thump and she couldn’t feel the coldness through her coat. At least her mother had don right by providing her with new clothes before she admitted her own daughter to the psychiatric ward. It may have made Immy sick that her mother only gave her something out of guilt, but Immy would take whatever the woman gave her.

Jogging after Liv she threw her first snowball only to have it fall short of live. “Ah fuck,” she cursed. Trying again, she managed to his Liv’s arm. Progress, Immy thought. It took her a little while to get into it but soon Immy had forgotten about the nurses outside and simply enjoyed doing something so juvinile. In many ways Immy’s childhood was tainted and was taken away from her by mental illness and desertion at too early an age. Soon she was running through the garden, hiding behind trees as she hurled snowballs at Immy. She needn’t keep score to know that Immy was better at it than herself but Immy didn’t mind. Better to have a fun game and lose than a boring one and win. With her back pressed against an old tree Immy formed a snowball with her gloved hands and peered around the corner to find Liv. “Where are you?” she whispered, glancing about.

Liv didn’t realize she was subconsciously getting further and further away from the nurses. It wasn’t like she was trying to hide from them, it wasn’t like she was trying to run away, she just didn’t want to be watched all the damn time. She deserved a little bit of freedom, she was a big girl. And if convincing the nurses this was an innocent snowball fight, she’d take that. They didn’t need to think she was going to find some rocks to pile into one to toss into another patient’s eyes or something dramatic like that when it simply wouldn’t happen. She wasn’t that stupid.

They ducked in and out behind trees, always bending to grab up more snow to send flying. Many of the patients weren’t outside- most were still finishing breakfast, a lot opted to stay in by the warmth of the fireplace, so it was pretty quiet. Just the two of them in their own little snowy world for a few short moments. Liv’s clothes, sneakers and socks quickly soaked through from her falls every now and then, but she really didn’t mind it. She didn’t even feel the cold at the moment. All she felt was the adrenaline she was getting from this game. Immy was her target and she was narrowing in.

When the other girl turned around the corner of the tree to look, Liv took the chance to creep up on the girl, as silently and as softly as she could manage in the crunching snow. Her intentions were to startle the girl and end up winning the game. “Wrong way,” She announced once she was close enough, wanting to make her jump.

[livxwinslet]

imogenxcarlisle:

Liv’s plan sounded plausible enough. If there was a big commotion the nurses would rush out of their room without checking to see that the door was locked. Immy had seen it happen in the past, and if she was close enough it should be easy to sneak inside. She had stolen things in the past, but she couldn’t undertand the appeal it had to kleptomaniacs. She didn’t get a thrill from it, only satisfaction and guilt from getting what she needed. Sometimes she did it out of spite, like when she stole money from her mother, or from a stranger she hooked up with that annoyed her. Today she needed something, and Immy doubt the nurses would miss a bottle or a pill or two.

“Just don’t make it too big, okay?” She didn’t want Liv getting hurt, or sedated. “It needs to be long enough for me to in, search around and get out, but not long enough for you to be put in solitary.” Immy had never been in solitary, nor had she yet to get in trouble in the ward. She had seen other girls dragged off, kicking and screaming, who then were not seen for days. When they did appear they were only a shell of their former selves. 

Immy’s shoulders raised as she gave an inaudible chuckle. “I think I’ll pass on that, the cards that is. Going outside sounds good, though.” Maybe if she tried to enjoy Christmas Eve then she actually would. She hadn’t built a snowman or made snowballs since she was a kid. She doubt passing out in the snow after three days of no sleep and too much alcohol last winter counted as playing in the snow. Immy nibbled on her waffles and and downed the rest of her coffee. “You ready to go now? I’ll just go and grab my jacket.’

Even with the layers she had on Immy still felt the chill of the winter air. It was refreshing. Even as a girl she had preferred being cold to hot. She tied up her hair and stood beside Liv in the garden. “I barely recognise it covered in snow.” The laze had frozen over, the hedges and flowers disguised by a layer of snow, and the trees were bare. It was all rather beautiful to Immy. Her feet crunched over the snow as she walked down the small hill. “I haven’t had a snowball fight for years, but don’t go easy on me.” Immy hated when people went easy on her. Reaching down to pick up some snow, she patted it into a ball formation. “You ready?” 

Stealing definitely wasn’t something Liv got off on. Really, she only did it when there was something she wanted (like for her little basement hangout) or if there was something she needed (like food, before she arrived at this place). Stealing just to steal wasn’t her thing, she’d prefer talking someone into letting her borrow or have something only to never give it back. “Trust me, Imogen, I’ve got this,” She assured, taking a sip from her mug. It definitely wasn’t going to be hard. They only would sedate or restrain her if she got violent, so shouting and just being worked up would be fine. And then as soon as Immy was done, she’d easily snap out of it. It’d be a piece of cake.

“I’m good to go whenever you are,” She nodded. Her mug may have been half empty, but she was sure she’d be able to talk one of the cooks into letting her have some more later if she needed to warm up. It was sort of amusing to her that they even trusted her to have hot drinks- God forbid she snap and throw the burning hot liquid into someone’s face.

Liv didn’t exactly have a proper jacket, only the sweatshirts they wore that the hospital gave them that she wore around the building. If, on the very, very rare chance they went on an outing, they’d provide her with a warmer jacket, but since she hadn’t brought one along, what she had she had to make do with. Though, she did have warm socks and mittens to put on that she had taken from one of the other girl’s rooms, so at least her fingers and toes wouldn’t freeze. It may have been cold out, yet there was still a few nurses stationed outside, sipping their own hot drinks and bundled up from head to toe. It was obvious they were ready to call for backup, for security, the second any suspicious activity occurred, but most patients were too grateful to even be getting outside to try to run away- Liv included. It just wouldn’t of worked. Suddenly running away from the garden would just fall through. “I’m insulted you’d even suggest I’d go easy on you,” She snorted, crouching down to start making her own. The snow was perfect for it, which also meant it was perfect for snowmen. In response to the question, she sent her snowball flying, grinning when it came in contact with Immy’s shoulder. “It’s on.” Reaching down to grab up some snow, she scurried up to start running away from any Imogen could have thrown at her as she worked to make her own. It really was just innocent fun, which was a little odd, but still nice.

[livxwinslet]

imogenxcarlisle:

The holidays had alway been depressing for Immy. Even when she was at home she had loathed it. Visiting family members, or having them own, while pretending that they were some big, close, happy family was exhausting. The past few years Immy stopped pretending that she was happy. Her aunts and uncles silently scrutinized her, her mother secretly wished that her daughter wasn’t there, and her pristine couins pissed her off with their ivy league schools and their baseball games. Her cousin Norma was the worst. She was the same age of Immy, yet she was captain of the cheerleading team, engaged an aspiring lawyer and training to be the doting, docile housewife. To the others she was perfect, to Immy she was just another doll doing what everyone told her she should do. Immy was nothing compared to Norma. With her sarcastic remarks, dark humour and general unwillingness to participate in what her mother called “normal things” she was hardly the favourite family member.

It should have been a relief to get away from the holidays, but it had its way of creeping into the hospital. The decorations that littered the hospital depressed her so for the past few days she had retreated into herself just to escape it all. She had been sitting on her bed, staring out the window at the soft snow that was falling. If she removed herself from her situation Immy found it beautiful. A voice disturbed her reverie. It took her a moment to pull herself out of her trance. Turning around she looked at Liv, the only person she could regard as a friend in this damn place. “Sure.” Spending time with Liv always managed to lift her spirits. Being with her was like being in one some inside joke that only the two of them were privy to.

Sitting in their usual spot in the cafeteria Immy stired her cream into her coffee. Taking a sip, she glanced around to check that no one was listening to their conversation. There were always the possibility of ears or eyes intruding on whatever it was she was going. In a low voice she asked, “What things did you think we could nick? I saw a bottle of something in the nurse’s office when I got my morning meds. Not sure if it would be any good but beggars can’t be choosers, right? What are we going to do? Spike some eggnog and have our own celebration in the basement?” It wasn’t a completely bad idea, and the more Immy thought about it the more it appealed to her. Sleeping was something Immy struggled with, so she would rather be with Liv down in the basement than stare into the darkness all night. “So since we’re celebrating Christmas Eve what do you normally do first?” 

Liv had gotten herself a big mug of hot cocoa with extra marshmallows to have with her stack of waffles for breakfast. Like she usually did once she was sat down, she let her eyes scan over the other girls to see who were having a hard time, who were happy, who her targets could have been. Most of the girls were in high spirits, but some were clearly down. Some wanted to be home with their families, some missed the outside world. It almost made her want to scoff. It was just so hard to imagine, having a good family that you actually missed. She doubted her parents even thought twice about her since she ended up in here, especially not on days like today. Christmas had never been celebrated when she lived at home, the only reason she knew it even existed at all was because of the decorations she’d see around town and the men dressed up as a man that supposedly brought all the good girls and boys presents on Christmas Eve. 

When she was at the age of six and stopped and asked a woman who was collecting money in a little tin for a charity about this, since she wouldn’t dare ask anyone at home (if they even were home), she told her she supposed she didn’t get presents because she was a bad little girl all year. Santa didn’t visit bad little girls.

The memory was blocked out from her mind.

“Sounds about good to me. Here’s the plan: I’ll cause a scene, get all the nurses to come deal with me, and while they’re distracted you slip in and see if you can find anything. Liquor, morphine, anything special. They probably do their own gift exchange, so see anything in the shape of a bottle, take it. Fuck, see any presents in general go ahead and take it. Bring anything to your room and I’ll meet you later on tonight there,” It seemed simple enough to her. If they got caught they could blame it on feeling depressed because of the holidays. “But until then, we can do whatever you want to do. Go outside and have a snowball fight, find The Night Before Christmas in the library, make some Christmas cards for you to send out to your family,” That last bit was a joke, though she wanted to see what Immy would say to it. 

[livxwinslet]

Christmas was always the best type of year in the hospital. Some Christmas records were brought out for them to listen to (even if they were quite religious), hot cocoa was a drink option every day over breakfast hour, and a grand tree was put up in the common room, along with some tinsel and other decorations. It always surprised her how much effort the nurses put into it, but she supposed it was because quite a few patients had visitors over the twelve days of christmas and they wanted to put on the front that everything was fine. Christmas day there was always turkey dinner and christmas cookies for dessert, basically Liv’s favourite meal of the entire year and she couldn’t wait for the next day to get to have it. Wandering out of her room, her spirits were high because it was Christmas Eve, afterall, and she started to look for Immy. (The other best part about Christmas was that all the Doctors got three days off, from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day, so they were all given three days off from therapies to do what they wanted. They still had to deal with the nurses, but Liv thought it was basically the best present ever.)

“Hey, babe,” She greeted once she finally spotted the other girl, folding her arms over her chest to lean against the doorway. “You coming with me to get some breakfast? It’s Christmas Eve, we have to find some festive shit to do. Swap presents, build a snowman outside, find some stuff to steal. You know the drill.” Liv really did think she was succeeding with pulling Immy in. She put on her best sweet front, always calling her ‘babe’ or ‘darling’ and spending time with her, though Imogen didn’t know how easy it would be for her to switch it off. There were no real feelings there, Liv didn’t even think she was capable of real feelings, just manipulation. 

[theliteraryjournals]

I’ve never been good at emotional stuff. Except anger. Anger, I’m good at.

Hannah Harrington, Saving June (via prettybirdwrites)

[livxwinslet]

imogenxcarlisle:

Now it was Immy’s turn to let out an acerbic laugh. Her mother wasn’t the easiest of women to deal with, but, Immy thought, she was hardly the easiest of daughters. As cliche as it was none of her family understood her. Hell, Immy hardly understood herself. She was either awake for days or slept for days which annoyed her mother to no end. Some days all Immy wanted to do was something completely reckless so that she’d get hurt or at least feel something, and that terrified Mrs Carlilse. “She didn’t want to deal with any of my shit,” she said. Nodding, Immy licked her bottom lip as she took the cigarette from Liv. It wasn’t going take her away from this place but at least it was something. Sitting down, Immy took a long drag of the cigarette and leant back against the couch. She closed her eyes and exhaled the familiar substance. “Probably not,” Immy murmured, opening her eyes. She took another drag and handed it back to Liv. “But at least I’m out of her way and th neighbours won’t have to know about what the fucked-up daughter is up to. The neighbours thought I was immoral and would corrupt their precious children.”

“Immoral? Why the hell did you stay in a place full of Jesus Junkies for so damn long for? I would have left the moment I realized my mother was obsessed with kissing his ass,” She said, raising her eyebrows. “You really never ran away? Most of the people in here have lived on the street at least once or twice.” A scoff followed her words and she couldn’t help it. This girl was just so different and although that was a good thing, Liv couldn’t believe she had wound up here. Immediately after the scoff, however, she pushed herself up so she was sitting, shushing Imogen quickly. For a second she had thought she had heard footsteps, and she had to listen again. It had been a long while since she brought anyone down here- perhaps they were cool with letting her slip out so long as she didn’t drag anyone down with her. A few moments of silence ticked by, though, and she decided to wave it off, shifting back to her position instead. “Thought I heard the shrinks. Have to always have your ears open around here, you know. Hope you aren’t a big fan of sleep.”

[livxwinslet]

imogenxcarlisle:

“She says that it’s the smell of Satan,” Immy snorted. She didn’t know why she was telling Liv all of this. It wasn’t as though she had gone to the hospital planning not to speak to people, but usually Immy chose to keep to herself. Maybe it was because she felt as thought interesting conversation, not that Immy particularly found herself interesting, would be a rare occurance. She opened her mouth to add more —to explain how her mother’s favourite phrases were ‘As long as you’re under my roof I won’t have you stinking out the house’ and ‘As long as I wash your clothes you won’t be making them smell of sin’ —but instead she shook her head. “She doesn’t approve of my relations with men, but I know she’d rather I smoke like a chimney than even look at a woman in a way she wouldn’t approve of.” She gave the smallest of chuckles, her lips tugging into a sad smile as she remembered how disgraced and disappointed her mother was whenever Immy openly flirted with a woman. There was one moment in particular that stood out to her that she was tempted to share but memories were a funny thing and soon Immy found herself lost in them. After a moment she snapped out of it, realising that she was the subject of Liv’s gaze. Moving closer to Liv, she gestured toward’s the woman’s cigarette. “I did whatever I wanted outside so I may as well keep that up in here, right? Mind if I take a drag? Or do you have a stash I could borrow from?” 

“The smell of Satan,” Liv repeated, starting to laugh. She couldn’t help it. It was no surprise that Immy’s mother sent her here, to what was supposed to be a ‘religious’ hospital, with their being a chapel and church services on sunday, but Liv hadn’t gone even once since she arrived. They had forced her to sit down in a room with a doctor and a priest at one point after the incident occurred, but all she had done was make jokes about Satan and exorcisms which sent the priest storming out and her ass back to solitary. It was worth it, though, since no one was spitting out how disgusting and against God homosexuality was into her face. “Your Mother sounds like a cunt, if you ask me,” She said, holding out the cigarette to her. “Go for it. May as well share, don’t want to waste them all, now do we?” Once Imogen had taken it, she moved to push herself up so there was room enough for Immy to join her on the couch if she wanted to. “She sounds like the type that wouldn’t give two shits if this place made you more worse off then you were when you came here,” she thought aloud again, even though the conversation about Immy’s mother had drifted. It was just something she was interested in, seeing how shitty other’s lives were in comparison to her own.

[imogenxcarlisle-blog]

Imogen was tempted to laugh. You couldn’t scare a girl with threats of death when wanting to die was one of the reasons she was admitted to the hospital. She couldn’t think of too many reasons why she would need someone to have her back, unless she took a wrong step and became involved in a feud with some other deranged patient. Liv looked like she would be good in a fight, although Immy didn’t want to have her assumption tested. Especially not against herself. “Then it looks like your secret’s safe with me.”

 As strange as it was this basement retreat was more homely than the hospital bedrooms. Away from the prying eyes of doctors and nurses, and the interruptions by other patients, she could see why Liv was so fond of it. Immy could picture herself sneaking down here, although she would feel odd intruding in Liv’s space without her. She looked towards Liv quizically, not quite understanding what she had meant by her comment. Why would they do that? she wanted to know, but the chill down her spine told her it was best to keep her mouth shut.  “Sounds…” What? Annoying? Unpleasant? Brutal? Every word she thought of sounded stupider than the next. “Like I’ll need a cigarette if you tell me any more about it.” Leaning up she added, “My mother thinks being in here will make it easier to quit smoking. I should at least be entitled to one vice since everything else has been taken away from me.”

[livxwinslet]

Liv waited to see the word the girl was going to finish the statement with. What if, by the very off chance, this girl didn’t believe her? That she saw the doctors as Gods that would never be corrupt, that would never do anything but try to help instead of make things a million times worse? As soon as the thought arrived, Liv dismissed it again. Immy wouldn’t think that, that was why she was special. Her ending did make her breathe a laugh out through her nose, though, and she shut her eyes for a good long moment as she took a drag of her cigarette.

“Fuck that, you should be able to smoke if you want to. It’s your body,” She said after moving the cigarette from her mouth. “It’s not like it’s going to kill you, if that’s what she’s worried about. Or do she just think it’s unattractive? Not lady like? Do she think boys aren’t going to like innocent looking girls that smoke their lives away? Please. Even the nurses will hand out cigarettes to the patients that want them. It’s a good stress relief.” Opening back up her eyes again, she looked over at the other girl, letting her eyes trail over her. “Don’t let her change you. Don’t let anyone change you. Do whatever the fuck you want.”

[imogenxcarlisle-blog]

Who would Immy have to tell? She didn’t like authority figures, especially ones who wanted to medicate her. Ratting on other people had never been Immy’s style and she wasn’t planning on changing that. Immy didn’t doubt Liv’s threats, but she didn’t need them to keep her mouth shut. “I don’t plan on telling anyone.” Besides, what good would it do her? Maybe if she hung around Liv enough this could become her sanctuary too. It may not have looked amazing but it was far better than anything Immy could have dreamt of being found in the hospital’s basement. “Crafty,” she murmured. A record player. Immy made a note of that. She didn’t know why, exactly, but she felt as though that was a piece of information that could come in handy. Coming across a stray record player was unlikely but if the opportunity arose for a spare one to be taken with little fuss then she doubt taking it would hurt. 

Special. Immy didn’t need to look down at her arms to see the goosebumps that had formed. It was a word she’d only heard less than a handful of times when it wasn’t thrown around sarcastically. Usually some boy from out of town would whisper to Immy how special a girl she was, how different and unique she was to everyone else they knew. They whispered it to her so that they could get into her skirt and it flashed through her mind that Liv could be saying it for the same reason. She quickly dismissed that thought. “I’m flattered you think so,” she replied. “What’s in it for me if I keep this to myself?” Immy didn’t really need anything in return, but she was curious if Liv would ever invite her here again. “What is it you usually do down here?”

[livxwinslet]

Her eyes were glued onto the other girl to see what her reaction would be to the compliment. Was she used to them, would her cheeks flush? Had anyone called her that before, did she like it? There were a million intrusive questions running through her mind but she bit her tongue and kept from spatting them out at the girl all at once. “What’s in it for you? You get to live,” Liv raised an eyebrow, wondering what the girl was expecting her to say. Was she expecting a reward for being a good little girl and keeping a secret? “That, and I suppose you have my loyalty. You show me I can trust you, and I’ll have your back in here. You can trust me too.” And she was a good one to have on your side, even if only so the nurses would be more likely to blame any mess ups on her.

“I usually rest,” She confessed, reaching back to adjust the flat pillow beneath her head. “Not worry about running into any of the doctors, you know. Get some good sleep.” That was a hint that Immy probably wouldn’t pick up, not that Liv would blame her. Doctors were supposed to be looked up upon, they were smart men who supposedly knew the best for your health. Seeing that idea shatter might’ve been a lot to take in, not that it was for her. “It’s hard to feel safe when they know where you are up there. I’ve had doctors slip into my room in the middle of the night and wake me from sleep before.” Hands leaving her pillow, she patted down her body until she found the little box of cigarettes she was looking for. Liv stuck one in her mouth, already needing one to relax herself again. It wasn’t her plan to tell Immy the truth about the things that happened here, but she might’ve needed to know if they were ever caught.

[imogenxcarlisle-blog]

Imogen wondered if she really was being treated differently than Liv. Granted, she expected the patients who caused trouble would be dealt with more strictly than a newcomer but part of her wondered how long the nice treatment would last. So far the nurses had seemed pleasant enough and the doctors overly professional but maybe that was all an act. Or, maybe, Imogen was already starting to lose it. She had heard that sometimes it was the hospitals that drove people madder than their illnesses. She didn’t doubt isolation could do that to a person.

There was a possibility that Liv was luring Immy away just to get her in trouble but there was something about Liv and her apparant distrust of the employees that made her think otherwise. She did as Liv said and trailed closely behind her as they crept through the hallways. In the darkness Immy wasn’t sure where they’d be going but it didn’t take long to realise that their destination was the basement. Not bing one to say things that aren’t necessary she didn’t say anything as she overtook Liv as instructed. Perhaps she should have been scared. Being alone with an institutionalised stranger in a dark maze of hallways and doors where no one could see or hear them wasn’t anywhere near as scary as Imogen thought it would be. Then again, it helped that she virtually felt nothing except for the coldness of the room. 

It was once they reached the crawlspace that Imogen grew slightly cautious. Althought she looked down at Liv’s hand grasping her own she didn’t pull away. Instead, she held on firmly and followed her through the crawl space. Once on the other side she was surprised by what she saw. Dropping her hand away from Liv’s she slowly walked towards the far end of the room to admire the posters. Something about it made her feel sad. From her brief tour the rooms upstairs were so stale and hospital like but this was welcoming. Immy could easily picture the room’s contents being transported into a small apartment. Maybe this was the closest Liv would get to achieving that.

Turning around, Immy finally spoke. “It’s nice,” she said. “Really nice.” Imogen bent down and picked one of the magazines from the ground. As she idly flicked through the pages she asked, “Where’d you find all these things? I’m guessing the nurses don’t know about what you’ve got going on down here.” Setting the magazine on the table she took a seat on one of the couches and twisted the hospital band that was scratching her wrist. Immy was tempted to rip it off but knew that wouldn’t be the best of ideas. She leant her elbow against the arm of the chair and looked towards Liv. “Do you bring many people down here?”

[livxwinslet]

Liv looked around at the place that was the closest thing to home she had ever had. This was a place that was hers and hers alone, a place where she didn’t have to worry about doctors slipping into her room or locking her in an office or being strapped down and into a chair for one tiny little outburst or not having enough to eat. It was the only good thing about this hell, leaving it a damn shame that she could only relax here for a few hours every few nights if she was lucky.

Staying back against the wall, she watched the other girl take everything in, almost a little jumpy. This was her space. If this girl was a blabber mouth, it could be taken away from her in seconds, destroyed and barred up, but she would make it clear no one could know. What was she thinking? Did she think it was pathetic, that she had to create a home in the crawl space of an asylum because she had no where else to go? No where else to run to? Or did she really think it was nice?

“No one knows. Not really. Maybe one or two of the others, but no one breathes a word, you got that? If you tell any of them about this, what I’d do to you would be ten times worse than anything they’d do to you. I don’t want the doctors poisoning this place.” That wasn’t entirely true. Death was probably better than some of the torture that went on here, but Immy didn’t need to know that. “I’ve been here awhile, don’t forget. I’ve had time to collect things here and there. The couches were already down here, there’s plenty of the lamps in the storage closets, and a lot of the other patients have families that bring them things for their room that just happen to go missing every now and then. The only thing I really want that I can’t have is a record player, but they’d probably hear it up on the first floor.”

Moving around, Liv lid herself down on one of the couches, eyes still on the other girl. “You’re special. I don’t know why yet, but I like you, darling. I know you’re not going to tell anyone about this place, you’re smarter than that.”

[imogenxcarlisle-blog]

There was nothing comfortable about her room, and Imogen was glad that she wasn’t spending the entire night there. The bed was hard and lumpy. The sheets scratched at her skin. Imogen was hardly a good sleeper anyway —she either slept for too long or too little —but she was a picky one. Each time she heard the clicking of a nurser walking down the hall Imogen wondered how sleep was possible. Most people are probably too high on meds to realise, she thought. There was no other way she could conceive that the other patients weren’t driven mad by the repetitive clicking, even if it only occured every few hours. Maybe that’ll be what pushes me over the edge.

As the time passed the tiredness of the day began to take its toll Imogen tried to resist the pull of sleep but soon the darkness of the room was replaced by the darkness of sleep. She jerked awaked at the feeling of something shaking her. For a moment she had forgotten where she was and scuttled back towards the top of the bed. Brushing her hair out of her face, she was able to blink Liv’s face into focus. “Sorry,” she murmured, relaxing once she realised who it was. “Must’ve dozed off for a second.” Standing up from the bed she slid her slipper and threw an oversized jumper over her old clothes. “So where are we going?”

Immy walked toward her door and kept her ear out for any sign of movement. “What will happen if we get caught?” She wasn’t scared of receiving a berating, nor was Immy fussed about restrictions being placed upon her. If things happened then they happened. Sometimes you just had to take the risk. 

[livxwinslet]

Liv ignored the destination question. She’d see in a few minutes more where they’d be hiding away for a few hours. It wouldn’t take them long to get there; they’d have to walk down a few flights of stairs and wiggle down through a crawl space, but it never took very long, and it was always worth it. The best part about it was how secretive it was, though. No one knew about it unless she wanted them to know. It was her place, her sanctuary in this pathetic excuse of a hospital. “Nothing  would happen to you. You’re new. I, however...”

She didn’t finish her sentence since she was sliding the door open. What would have happened was they would have blamed her for taking advantage of yet another innocent patient, forcing Imogen to come along on one of Liv’s many schemes just to have some privacy. She would probably be locked in solitary for awhile until they decided on whatever radical treatment they wanted to give her, but she wouldn’t let that happen. Not again. She was smarter now, she knew to keep her head above water and how to twist the system to be in her favour. “Stay close,” She whispered, under her breath as she slipped out and into the hallway.

Her footsteps were silent. She had taken off her slippers and left them in her room so her bare feet moved without a sound, and they made it to the end of the hall without a hitch. “We’re going down,” She whispered, opening the doors to the staircase before gesturing for Imogen to go on ahead. They were going down to the basement, a place none of the nurses ever really went and there were no guards. Shutting the door behind her again, she hurried to get in front of Imogen, leading the way down. “This way.” Pushing another door open into the nearly black basement, she took the other girl’s hand to lead her to the crawl space. It definitely didn’t look welcoming, some of the other patients probably would have started to wail because of the pitch darkness, but just a little more and they were into her little hang out, with the old comfy couches and lanterns for light. She even had posters put up around the wall, scattered books and magazines along the floor.

[amarettoandslayin-blog]

I do love you, you know. In my cold and unfeeling way.

Mary Crawley. (via amarettoandslayin)

[imogenxcarlisle-blog]

Imogen waited patiently for Liv to answer her, tapping her fingers softly against the arm of the chair. Thankfully she wasn’t in one of her irritable moods where anything had the potential to set her off. A miniscule smile tugged at the corner of her lips at the thought of snapping at Liv and ruining whatever potential alliance they could have. Making enemies was at the bottom of Immy’s list so she kept quiet, unpreturbed by the woman’s silence. Liv’s answer made her snort. “He can try,” she said. Immy wasn’t planning on letting anyone into her soul. She was more likely to show him a version of a soul that a shrink would want to see, one that, Immy hoped, would be convincing enough to pass off as her own. She hated giving herself to people. Sometimes she’d throw away a secret here, a bit of private history there, but no one had yet to truly see inside the young woman’s mind. It wasn’t the nicest place to be but it was Immy’s, and Immy’s alone. 

Close proximity with other people wasn’t something Imogen had ever been comfortable with. However, moving backwards, in her opinion, would be viewed as a sign of retreating and weakness that Immy wouldn’t allow herself to demonstrate. More often than not being close to people allowed them to study her,which meant that she had to pay more attention to everything she did. Immy was hyper aware of her nervous swallowing and of each time her eyes flickered towards different parts of Liv’s face, desperate not to spend too much time staring at Liv’s lips. Immy tried her best not to look but it was in her nature. She had always tried to subdue that side of her but Immy had more important things to worry about than who she was or wasn’t attracted to. “Why?” she asked, snapping back into reality. “Do you need an accomplice?”

Immy was unable to tear her gaze from Liv’s as they stood facing one another. Nodding, she didn’t bother to question the woman’s instructions since they were exactly what she had planned on doing anyway. She leant in closer, glad to be privy to Liv’s plan of sneaking out of bounds at night. Immy was aware that she should have felt the smallest bit of fear towards the prospect of wandering around an unfamiliar building with an unfamiliar woman at night but Immy had done far worse in the past. Nothing scared her these days. “Okay,” Immy nodded. “Guess I’ll see you then.” After taking a final look at Liv she walked past her and walked past her. As she made the journey back to her room Immy wasn’t certain how she felt about Liv. She should have been unnerved by her but she wasn’t. Only time would tell whether or not that would continue.

[livxwinslet]

As soon as the clock that was hung up on her wall struck to the correct hour, correct minute, Liv was looking at the door, waiting. Waiting for the nurse to glance into her room for the one and only time that night, if it was the correct lazy one she was assuming it was going to be. They were easy to get around when it was the lazy nurses on: all they liked to do was gossip, play cards in the back room, and leave the patients to sleep- or sneak around, in Liv’s case. So long as Liv was back by morning and didn’t make a scene, a good few of them really didn’t care. The sound of heels clicking down the hall caused her to pull the blankets up, and just as quickly as she had heard the shoes, a face appeared and then disappeared in the doorway. The door had been pushed open a crack, just long enough to peak in, and as soon as it was closed again, Liv was up and tiptoeing to it.

Her ear was pressed to it, waiting one, two, three, four seconds, before she went ahead and opened it. All was silent. The nurse had gone back to the back room to join her colleagues, there was no music drifting in from the common room or wailing coming from any corners. It was the dead of night, the time when Liv was the widest awake.

And so, she slipped out of the door, making sure to close it behind her right after, before silently moving down to Immy’s room. She moved like a ghost, completely silently, at least until she got to Imogen’s room. Opening the door wide enough to get in, Liv walked to her bed, crouching down to get her attention. If any of the nurses walked in on her in another’s girls room- again, especially it being a newbie this time- she didn’t want to think about what would happen. She didn’t want to think about how tight they’d of tied her restraints or how heavy the sedative would’ve been. She didn’t want to think about what her doctor would have done. It was worth the risk, though, and she reached out, shaking the other girl’s shoulder gently. “Im. Wake up. I want to show you something.” It probably didn’t look good, a girl with intense hair and even worse eyes shaking Imogen awake in the middle of the night, but Liv couldn’t care less. “Come on.”

[imogenxcarlisle-blog]

Maybe going outside would be too much effort. Immy hadn’t planned on sneaking off, or doing something dramatic like trying to skinnydip in the pathetic excuse for a pond. At most she would sit for hours watching the way the water rippled as she skipped stones. She did a lot of staring, these days. It irked and concerned her mother but Immy loved it. Sometimes she would sit and think of nothing at all and other days she could barely keep track of the innumerous thoughts that swam through her mind. It didn’t depend no whether or not Immy was happy or sad, but rather the type of sadness she was experiencing. Emotions were funny things that Immy said she didn’t have time for. In the hospital there seemed to be nothing but time and, for a girl who spent her life trying to avoid things that hurt her emotionally, that was a nightmare.

Immy shrugged at Liv’s comment about her curiosity. “Need to learn what things are like around here sooner or later.” Not because she wanted to abide by rules or assimilate with the rest of the patients, but because Immy hoped that if she complied with the rules then she would be able to fly under the radar, undetected and undisturbed, until her release. She wasn’t complaining about the quietness, although it did make the room feel like a part of a ghost town. At least no one was wailing in the corner or getting up in her face but she wondered how long it would take before the silence to turn her mad. What if her time here only made her worse? What if being away from her reality made her slip further away from it? Immy thought that she should have been more frightened by that possibility, but instead she felt nothing.

“You like Elvis?” she asked. What a stupid question that was, Immy thought. “I bought tickets to see him, once. I even sold my mother’s vase to pay for it but… long story short she found out and I didn’t go.” It was a horrible fight the women had. Immy was seventeen at the time and although she weighed less than her mother Immy had the anger to make up for it. She’d pushed past her mother and strode out the door, only to be stopped by their neighbour and local police chief a few minutes later. “When you go you’ll have to tell me all about it,” she humoured.

Imogen glanced between the doctor and Liv, noticing the way the woman’s demeanour changed. She had already gathered that her new acquaintance was hardly fond of the institution’s staff but Immy couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary about the man’s behaviour. “I am… thank you,” she replied curtly, not wanting to prolong any conversation. Imogen and authority had never mixed, which was why her game plan was to stay under the radar. “Liv has been a great help, thanks. Couldn’t have asked for a better guide.” She dreaded the thought of therapy but gave a small, forced smile and nodded. “Great, I’m looking forward to it. Thank you, Doctor.” As the man left Immy tried to ignore the feeling of her stomach churning. Her gaze followed him until he disappeared around the corner and then she moved closer to Liv. “Who was that?” she whispered. “Is Marshall alright or should I start planning my escape now?” 

[livxwinslet]

Liv didn’t push herself up until she heard the footsteps fade away. When she did, she ignored the questions and stared over the back of the couch, watching the corner as if she was waiting for him to reappear again. He unnerved her to no end and she hated it. She hated that she was so out of control whenever they were in the same room together, and she hated that everyone knew it, including Immy, now. It would have been impossible for her to miss the change in her confidence, impossible to miss that Liv had an obvious weakness.

“You’re fine,” She finally answered, after she had been zoned out into staring for a good few minutes straight. “He’s one of the ones that’ll make you spill all your secrets all while staring through your soul. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. I never had him.” Shifting to turn back around, she came face to face with the other girl, not realizing how close they were now that Imogen had moved from the window. She didn’t lean back, though, her lip curling up into a little smirk. Liv had snapped back into being her old self the second she was assured the man had disappeared. “But no one says you can’t start planning your escape...”

Eyes still on her, Liv moved to get up and onto her feet, bodies only inches away from one another. “Lay low. Do your own thing for the rest of today. Listen to music, unpack, whatever. I’ll come get you after the first round of checks after lights out.” Her voice was a whisper, though she was sure none of the nurses would be paying attention, especially between the music. “If you trust me to take you somewhere secret, that is.” It was almost like a dare, her eyes challenging Imogen to come with her and break the rules, even though it was only her first night. Even though Immy wouldn’t know if this secret place would be her deathbed or not. It would show if she could be loyal or not, if she was willing to risk getting in trouble to sneak around with her. If she did, Liv decided she’d bring her downstairs to her secret place, the place that was her own.

[imogenxcarlisle-blog]

Listening to records sounded safe enough. Immy didn’t feel an emotional connection to music anymore. It was just sound to her, a nice sound most of the time but it faded into the background like static noise whenever she was in one of her depressed moods. Other times it would sound like nails on a chalkboard and each note made her more and more irritable until she was compelled to smash break something. On the bright side that had only happened once before. Unfortunately it was during one of her mother’s tea parties in front of all of the women in their street. The aghast looks didn’t contract even the smallest feelings of guilt and Imogen was out the door before she had time to register them. At least music, she thought, is better than talking.

Two years seemed like an awfully long time to be stuck in a place that looked so bleak. No wonder Liv’s perception of the place was hardly optimistic. By the looks of things it seemed pretty boring, though not as horrible as the woman made it out to be. When she whispered to her Imogen could only think that Liv was nuts. She didn’t mind, though. She wasn’t scared by crazy people because that’s probably what the people back home thought she was. Whoever Anna was she hadn’t a clue, but she had already asked enough questions to be labelled as a stickybeak, which was far from what Immy was. Curious? Yes, but she didn’t like prying into other people’s business. “Good luck,” she said. After four failed escape attempts it seemed like Liv would need it. “Where will you go?”

Inside the common room, Immy made her way over the the window and looked through the grimy window at the neatly trimmed stretch of grass that was the back garden. It wasn’t as depressing as she had thought and paired with a sunny afternoon she could picture herself sitting outside, even reading if she got better. Immy gave a soft snort. If was the key word.“Can we go outside whenever we want?” Immy asked. She didn’t care as much about being outdoors as she did having the freedom to do so. Tearing her gaze away she sat down on the couch near Liv and looked around the empty room. “Where is everyone?”

[livxwinslet]

Where would she go? More like where wouldn’t she go. In Liv’s mind, if she could just get a little bit of money somehow, she’d disappear into the night, never to be seen again. Any wanted posters or police looking for her would immediately be dismissed and she’d be free. Free to travel, free to kiss girls, free to rule the world. It was unrealistic and reckless and it was almost as if she was incapable of actually planning and saving money and doing anything that would actually help her stay out once she slipped out the asylum’s doors. “I’ll go anywhere I want, baby.”

She took one of Elvis Presley’s records, putting it down and onto the player. “Of course not. On nice days you can go out between ten, after breakfast, and noon, before lunch, and then again after lunch until dinner begins. Most people don’t, the nurses who are watching out there are a lot stricter. More ways to hurt yourself out there. Rocks and that. Think we even had someone try eating stones once.” The music began and she bobbed her head along, backing up from it to lie down on one of the couches. “Fuck if I know. Eating, crying, in therapy. You’re such a curious little thing.”

Liv slowly shut her eyes, listening to the music. It was a good escape in here, something they were actually permitted to have, and on days she was sore and exhausted and shaky from therapy, she’d lie right on the couch, listen to record after record and smoke cigarette after cigarette. The nurses would check on her, she’d turn down meals, and the other patients would be quiet when they came near. Some would sit and listen with her, the select few others who were smart enough to realize what her ‘therapy’ was these days would bring her cold cloths and water and fresh clothes. “One place I’m going to go is to his concert, Elvis Presley’s, I mean,” She murmured.

“You dream big, Olivia,” It was a voice she knew too well and her eyes opened right back up. Standing behind the couch she was lying on, clad in his suit, was her ‘doctor’, the one she had snuck them away from earlier on. He looked gentle, friendly, warm, and Liv didn’t know if she ought to lung off the couch or not. She hadn’t heard his footsteps over the sound of the music and she felt like an idiot. “I see you’re getting to know Miss Winslet, our favourite work in progress. Are you settling in okay? Please do tell if Olivia’s being anything but welcoming.” He was speaking to Imogen, and Liv was set off, thinking he was trying to lure the other girl in. She had to protect her. If he got to her first, she’d never get her to help with her escape plan, it’d be too risky. “You’ll be assigned a doctor in the morning. Sadly, I don’t believe it’s going to be me. Dr. Marshall’s got an open slot with your name on it, a little birdy told me.” Finally, she could let out an internal sigh of relief. Of course, who she had now didn’t mean shit, because one wrong move and her ass would be transferred to another doctor, then another, then another. It was all a game.

[imogenxcarlisle-blog]

Doesn’t seem like therapy’s working for you, Imogen thought. If Liv was this paranoid now she wondered what the women was like when she first entered the institution. “How long have you been here for?” she asked. As much as she disliked talking Imogen hoped that she would have the first type of therapist Liv mentioned, although she didn’t quite know what to expect of the second type. Fooling a therapist into believing her through cleverly timed false proclamations of feelings would be easier than participating in something more alternative. Imogen wondered what therapy was like for Liv. She knew that electroshock therapy was popular and she didn’t doubt that some of the doctors thought it to be a suitable cure for some of the patients here. She’d heard her mother whispering about it to her friend a few weeks prior about it being a good treatment to stop her daughter from being such a wayward woman. Immy hoped she didn’t have to endure that but she wasn’t too concerned or worried about it. 

“How many times have you escaped?” She hadn’t even considered escaping until now. Immy had thought she would spend a few weeks locked away from the world before conning the doctors into believing she was better enough to be released. If things were as bad as Liv made it out to be then perhaps she was a good person to know. Granted that Liv was a paranoid lifer she knew she had to take her words with a pinch of salt. 

She didn’t blame Liv for not trusting her because the feeling was mutual. For all she knew Liv could turn around and attack her. After all, there must have been a reason she was a lifer and the police constantly dragged her back to the hospital. Immy wasn’t scared, though. If something happened then it happened. Before Liv’s final words all Imogen had wanted to do was exactly that —go back to her room and keep to herself —but she had never liked people assuming things about her. Imogen didn’t make a thing out of trying to prove people wrong since she usually didn’t care enough to do so, but there was something about Liv that made Immy want to do the opposite of what was expected. She read Liv’s grin as a challenge.

“Fuck the room,” Immy said. “What do you do around here to pass the time?”

[livxwinslet]

Liv’s smile only widened, nearly reaching her ears, when she heard ‘fuck the room’. Maybe she really did have a winner here, maybe this new girl could be the key to an escape plan that actually worked. If Liv could get them out, maybe Immy would know what to do on the outside, how to get them enough money to be able to leave the state. That was where she had always gone wrong- as soon as she got out, she had no where to go. A lot of her ‘friends’ had scattered, leaving her wandering the streets, since she didn’t dare go wherever home supposedly was. The longest she had lasted on the outside was a week, and by that point she was shaking and starving and she threw her hands up and slid into the back of the police car without a fight. That was just before meeting Anna, though. That was before the new kind of ‘therapy’ was implemented. 

“Come on, let’s go back to the common room. We can listen to records there.” There wasn’t much to do, not really, but music was soothing and since it was far too early to slip down to her little hideaway, the common room was the best place to be. 

As they begun to walk, she answered the previous questions. “I’ve been here now- I don’t know. Two years? Three? You lose track after awhile. I’ve been here for three sad, pathetic birthdays, so maybe I could’ve even been here four years. God only knows,” She said. “I’ve run away four times and counting. Only once since what happened with Anna, though. He said it’d be worse if I did and he proved himself right once I got back here. Let me tell you, though,” Her voice dropped slightly, to a whisper. “I’m working on a fool proof plan. The next time I leave, I’m making sure I’m not coming back. Might be a few weeks yet, but I’m patient.”

Liv didn’t know why she was telling her this. She didn’t know why she was spilling her secret to this new girl who she couldn’t trust yet. All Immy had to do was run and tell the nurse that Olivia was planning something and she’d be locked in solitary for the next two months. Liv had a good feeling about the other girl, though. That, and she had probably made herself out to look crazy enough that Immy wouldn’t dare do something so ridiculously stupid. “Suppose we’ll see what happens, anyways,” That time, her voice was regular volume as nurses were coming up, and she flashed them an innocent grin before taking the turn to go to the common room. The crying girl had disappeared and it was just the two of them here, everyone else in their afternoon therapy or having a snack in the mess hall. Perfect, they were alone. “Now, music,” She hummed, going over to the record player that was beside the huge selection of vinyl.