#selfrevelations

[rhidub]

#selfrevelations

[infinitepapertowns]

Her

I was scrolling down my tumblr dash when I saw a post of her. It was picture of her and a caption that told of her age interests and country. I clicked on her url which lead to her blog. It was amazing I related to everyone of her post and I know how it is to feel ashamed of who you are. I clicked on her messages and sent her one. We started to talk using a messenger app due to the fact we were international friends. She was beautiful sweet conpassionant and real.she had skeletons that hid in her closet and hid under her robe but every so often they peered out and I understood how it felt to be ashamed of who you are and unable to explain why When you have such a "great life" but inside it hurts and it's empty and numb and when I started talking to her it disapeared. I encouraged her to keep fighting depression and after a while we lost touch. I missed her and checked her blog to make sure she was still going on. One day this past year I got a message from her. It was a simple hey and my heart pounded. We began conversation and we talked about where shed been and she had to personally go to therapy and it was much more extensive than my own. I told her why I never pushed for conversation because I didnt think she throughly enjoyed our talks as much as I did. But she told me how my encourage ments made a difference and she'd always be thankful for that.  We kept talking whenever our timezones allowed. I fell for her. I know how ashamed disappointed upset embarresed and even repulsed you may be of this but we all guessed it long enough I've know for a few years. I know it's a sin and I've prayed to not feel this way but I do and I will never deny my happiness for anything. Girls are softer and gentle  they care deeper and smell nice. But honestly I've never cared for a girl like her. Because I fell for the sweet compliments and the honesty. She is a real person. Whether you trust this or not I don't care she has my heart and I have hers and I know this is sin and I've prayed to not feel this way but I have know for a few years the truth before I met her. She has made me feel so much love and happiness without ever having to be near me. Now she is dying like her sister and aunt before her. Its family a trait that she can't escape and I  am in love with her she tried push me away because I'd only have my heart broken. But i refused I wouldn't have invested this much time and love Into something to give up and not finish through. I will see her. I know their is a chance of unsafety but I believe with all my heart she is real and she is mine and I will not let her die without seeing her.  im sorry I cant be who you want and I'm sorry you'll never have a son in law for me to carry the name of because I refuse to trade my happiness for others. But sorry not sorry for choosing to be happy. Unfortunatly it did work out like I'd hoped. We disarmament through our the troubles, shell always have a piece of me. But I still am going to be myself and find myself.

[caribbeanjayashri-blog]

Sometimes hearing it from someone you love and respect that "you're worth so much more than what you're doing" helps ignite that flame. I most likely would have been running in circles for the next year or two thinking of what to do with my life. So a like-minded mental assist helped, well he helps me clear my thoughts here and there. It's been a little cloudy up there. Any who, my needs will always be taken care of before anything. I've decided I want to be completely independent by the age of 24. I want my own place I want a bmw 3 series I want to take a vacation once ever 6-8 months I want my love, my companion with me I want to experience love with him I want a better relationship with my father's family I want to progress, so regression isn't a possibility I want better health I will work as hard as I can to accomplish these "wants" Indeed I'll get a curve ball here and there but that's never stopped me. Things might change (since change is ever so constant) But still, nothing will stop me from attaining what I deserve. bliss