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Speechless

Summary: There’s something about you that catches Kim Seokjin’s eye in the club he frequents, but it isn’t anything you say.

A/N: Seokjin is back! I know people were waiting for him :)

Also ft. Y/N going for what she wants. You get it, girl.

But always consent. Always, my dears <3 <3

Italics are things Y/N has written/typed.

More notes at the bottom.

Warnings: Some angst, some bad words, abuse, psychological trauma, touchy touchy, mental disorders, panic attacks, sexual content.

WC: 8,374

Masterlist

Freedom

Permission

“What you fear is what you worship.” You couldn’t get the thought of your head. Someone had shared it in class the other day which had led to a debate over the meaning behind not only fear, but also worship. You had originally disagreed with the idea—why would you praise something you’re afraid of? However, as the discussion went on, you realized fear could be respect or reverence, and thus the idea made perfect sense. Then, when someone else had said that worship could just mean devoting our time and energy and even money sometimes to something, you understood the phrase even deeper. You had thought that you avoided things and people that you were afraid of, but that very avoidance took your focus and energy away from other things. By giving the fear substance and character and power over you, you were, in a way, worshiping it. That idea, coupled with Kookie’s encouragement, made you want to do the right thing, made you want to stop being afraid, made you want to tell him and Seokjin, made you want to be free of Nestor and all that he entailed for good.

But Saturday you had woken up for the second time with your face throbbing and a soft face smiling at you. And despite how exhausted you felt, even though you didn’t feel like you had accomplished anything, you had pushed yourself to distractions instead of discussions. You had done your homework regardless of your growing headache. And you really had enjoyed spending time with Jimin and his friend Taehyung at the arcade. But it was all just a distraction.

Kookie was, too, even if he didn’t mean to be. The boy had saved you on more than one occasion, now, and ignoring him was almost impossible. He seemed more reluctant to leave you alone now, too. It didn’t annoy or bother you, but your head was filled with so much of him that you couldn’t find the words to tell him what you needed to. It only made sense, as his apartment was so small you ran into each other literally every day at least once. He drove you to school and walked close to you and sat next to you and was constantly looking at you even when he thought he was being subtle. He always let you know where he was going if he had to leave the room or the apartment, and you found yourself waiting anxiously for his return every time. You found it easy to trust that he was going to return, so you were never worried about that, but you were so used to his presence already that you missed him the moment he was gone.

You feared, you knew, even if you weren’t ready to speak it, losing him or upsetting him to the point where he would not return one day when he went to make a phone call.

He was different from Brycen, who was almost always talking, always asking questions, always waiting patiently for you to answer. Kookie was patient, too, but he hardly talked. He sang, though, you learned, even when he thought you weren’t listening or couldn’t hear him. Always in the shower, if no where else. Even if you were in the living room, you could hear his voice floating through the air, a pleasant, low, soothing hum that made wonderful background noise when you were studying. In the car he seemed to not realize he was doing it unless you laughed or looked at him, causing him to blush and look away. You weren’t sure why he was so embarrassed about being caught; he had a beautiful voice. You appreciated that the two of you could move seamlessly around each other now, even with the occasional accidental run-in, a few looks or movements all you needed to understand each other. You wanted, though, to speak to him. The lack of talking or asking you questions on his part didn’t bother you so much, but you wanted to know about him, about his thoughts, about what he wanted to do. He always seemed more concerned about what you wanted or what was going on with you, though, and while he was being helpful and sweet, a part of you just wanted to sit him down and get him to talk to you about himself. But you knew about why people were quiet. You knew talking to others required trust and connection. Many people had shown you patience and kindness and sympathy in the past, Kookie included, so you would wait patiently for him, too.

So you didn’t tell him about Nestor. You watched him play video games and you held him a little closer to you when you went to sleep, and you ate breakfast the next morning while he was still sleeping, and you did your homework. For now, it was a decent enough distraction from Kookie, after all.

Growing up, Jungkook wasn’t afraid of much. His older brother taught him early on that he would have to fight for a lot of things in the world, though that didn’t always mean throwing punches. It usually meant hard work and determination and diligence in the small things. He slacked sometimes and didn’t always see the point all the time. College taught him that fighting for himself would mean fighting against others, and that having someone else on your side always made the fight easier. He learned he cared about what people thought, that his reputation mattered to him, that even if he worked hard and there was no evidence, sometimes someone’s one word against you could spell disaster. He learned that name recognition matters, as do promises and threats that can be backed up. He learned that others often fear losing, whether that means at a simple game or their way of life or their reputation or their life. Seokjin had taught him all of this, too, and more so. Seokjin had shown Jungkook what he feared above all else: feeling helpless and weak and powerless. He had felt so when Seokjin found him, had been at his lowest, was down and out. The bell had already rung, in fact, but Seokjin found a way to get him back in the ring and fight again. Jungkook figures that everyone, at a certain level, hates feeling powerless, too, though. It’s against our human nature to just lie down and take a beating, so he figures Y/N doesn’t like getting hit by Nestor or being unable to express herself fully with her words. He assumes she doesn’t like feeling like she has to rely on him to ask questions in class for her or make sure she makes back home, to his home, safely. He thinks she would rather be on her own, be independent, and be able to take care of herself. So he tries not to hover. He tries to leave her alone and let her do her own thing. She doesn’t make it easy on him, though, or he doesn’t make it easy on himself, because she is constantly around. For all of her quietness, she is never silent. He can always hear her breathing, if nothing else, or shifting around in bed a little to get more comfortable, or turning pages in her books, or singing to herself when she thinks he’s not listening.

She does the latter perhaps more than she realizes lately. Usually when she is working on homework in the living room and he is in his own room, each in their own world but still sharing the same space. Her headphones are always on, and their ability to cancel out noise coupled with her concentration on reading and taking notes always makes her get lost a little. He stands, sometimes, in the hallway and watches her, listens to the way she goes from mumbling along to lyrics or talking to herself to singing something out loudly. Her voice is like her laugh, beautiful and not heard enough. He never lets himself linger, afraid that if she sees him she will shy away or stop completely, but sometimes he wonders if she would talk more if she always had music playing in her ears, its sounds blocking out any others that might distract her or make her afraid to add her own to the ever growing noise. She doesn’t, of course, so Jungkook keeps listening and watching when he can, does his best to protect her, and uses his voice as little as possible, eagerly waiting for her to use her own.

He’s afraid, too, that after the run in with Nestor the other night that she will shut down and retreat into herself again, but if nothing else, she seems more comfortable and talkative around him. She is certainly more comfortable being close to him physically. Her closeness continues into the next week, which Jungkook can’t complain about, even though he tries to tell himself over and over again not to get used to it, since Seokjin is getting back at the end of the week, and the girl has never been his to touch, anyway. He figures that if she initiates everything, then he has a way to defend his actions as purely reactions. Plus, like she once said, he is supposed to take care of her, and if holding her hand or letting her walk so closely behind him that her shoulder constantly bumps into his back makes her feel cared for, then he won’t deny her of such harmless actions. She’s taken to joining him in the evenings to play games, too. Before she would watch him from his bed, he knew, as she fell asleep, but now she puts her homework away earlier and gets ready for bed and then nudges him gently until he makes room for her in his chair. She’s growing bolder, too, or more comfortable, sometimes not even waiting for him and just sitting on his legs immediately. It makes him grunt a little, and that makes her laugh, so he doesn’t complain.

It’s Wednesday night when she does this for the first time. She doesn’t give her usual raised eyebrow waiting for an invitation or wait for him to move his legs at all. She’s fresh out of the shower, which means her hair is still dripping a little, and her clean smell is a little overwhelming, when she nudges on his shoulder, turning his chair a little in the process. He thinks he knows the routine, now, but she surprises him by holding his knees together while she climbs into his lap. He sits still and lets her maneuver him and herself and the chair until she’s perched on top of his thighs facing the computer. She twists her head enough so he can see her smiling at him, so he smiles back in approval. He can’t see the screen as well with her on top of his legs like this, but he can lean his torso a little to the side to see, so he does to reach around for the keyboard, but he rests his hand instead on the desk when she says,

“I want to play.”

“Okay,” he says, because it really is. Still, he logs in and sets a few things up before relinquishing control, still leaning a little to the side so he can see the screen over her shoulder. She’s been watching him long enough to know the basics, so he lets her mess around and get a feel for things for a few minutes, trying to ignore the way she laughs every time she makes a mistake and hops a little in his lap when she does something well. He finds himself laughing along, too, and trying to show her what to do instead, pointing around her. She doesn’t seem to want to play well, necessarily, though, just have fun, because at one point she just runs her character into a wall and makes it jump up and down.

“What are you doing?” he says, chuckling as she keeps doing it. “You should go that way. Turn around. Stop doing that!” She seems insistent on getting her character to jump through the wall, though, or something, and he rolls his eyes before trying to bat her hand around from the mouse.

“No,” she says, moving it aside.

“Go that way, then. You’re supposed to be shooting people.”

“No,” she says firmly, though Jungkook can tell she’s grinning. Her character jumps again, and Jungkook lets out a breath through his lips harshly enough to make her flinch a little in his lap.

“You’re making me look bad,” he says, grabbing her hand and the mouse and moving her character away from the wall finally. “Haven’t you learned anything from watching me?”

“No, no,” Y/N says, laughing as they fight for control over the character, its movements reflected by the mouse moving across the desk in opposite directions.

“Just, look, shoot that guy!” Jungkook says, leaning forward a little and pressing into Y/N’s back in the process. “Shoot, shoot!” Y/N thankfully does, even though she misses and laughs about it when the other player turns around and kills her. “You’re really bad at this,” he says, though there’s no malice in his voice.

“It’s fun,” she says, and that’s enough for him to let go of the mouse and let her play how she wants. She doesn’t make it easy on him, though, because he wants to win, and wants her to win, so relinquishing control to her pains him a little. Her laughs make up for it, though. He finds himself sighing teasingly every time she dies or refuses to acknowledge the point of the mission, though, muttering about how she’s probably being beaten by some thirteen-year-olds. He’s glad that she’s enjoying herself, but he feels like he can only take so much silliness and losing on purpose, but instead of reaching for the mouse again he reaches for her, instead. Part of him knows he shouldn’t. Knows Seokjin wouldn’t like it, knows she could easily tell him, fears what will happen if his boss finds out, but he trusts that she will say no if she wants him to stop, so he moves confidently around her and puts a hand on her bare thigh that’s still slightly crushing his own. She doesn’t seem to notice at first, or doesn’t mind, because she keeps playing, keeps losing, keeps laughing. She always wears these shorts to bed that barely exist, which means there is a lot of skin for him to explore, and it’s only when he starts really moving his hand back and forth and over and around her thigh does she seem to notice. She stills a little, but doesn’t say anything, and continues to die on screen, though her laughter seems to be dying as well. He keeps sweeping his thumb over her skin even as he leans a little closer with his chin into her shoulder, and its pressure makes her character stop on the screen, but she still doesn’t say anything. After a moment she keeps running, so he keeps moving, his other hand that’s been hanging uselessly over the armrest coming up slowly to wrap around her. She’s wearing another oversized sweater that’s so soft to the touch he has been wanting to bury his face in it a little, but instead he just lets his hand glide over the material over her stomach. This makes her stop completely, and Jungkook can hear the sharp intake of breath she takes even as her character is shot to bits on screen. He moves his chin even as he moves his hands, not sure which softness he likes more, her skin or the sweater, to test the softness of the patch of skin on her neck. Her hair barely covers it, and her wet strands have been dripping occasionally on it and her sweater and even the computer desk, and as Jungkook presses his nose gently into the back of her neck, he can feel her wet hair on his forehead and can feel the way she has frozen in his lap. He smooths his hand back over her stomach, feeling her twitch underneath her sweater at his touch, before pressing the lightest kiss to the back of her neck. She tastes like oranges just enough to make him kiss her again, but she is still so still that he tells himself to stop, so he puts his forehead on her back to collect himself before lifting off, his hands coming to both of her hips to push her forward a little, and it’s then that she moves, turning around and fumbling a little until she is facing him, sitting sideways and causing him to grab onto her knees and the desk so they don’t topple over.

“Kookie?” she says, and Jungkook can’t read her expression or tone well enough even after spending so much time with her.

“Yeah?” he says, deciding to look anywhere but at her face and use the excuse that he wants to make sure they don’t fall out of the chair to explain why he keeps moving his hands from the desk to the chair to her back to her knees to his own lap to the back of his head where there’s suddenly an itch he just has to scratch.

“Do you—” she says, frowning a little at him, and Jungkook rushes to apologize.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t have,” he says, ending a little lamely and still looking anywhere but at her.

“Kookie,” she says again, her head moving back in forth in an attempt to catch his gaze. With a sigh, she seems to give up, but then his face is caught between her hands and he’s forced to look at her. “Do you want,” Y/N blinks, perhaps trying to find the word or the courage, “me?”

“No,” Jungkook says immediately, because he’s not supposed to, but he knows it is a lie and knows if it is the truth then he is a dick for touching her to begin with, “I can’t. I’m sorry. Seokjin would. Seokjin would kill me.”

“Seok,” the girl says slowly, staring hard at Jungkook. “Seok isn’t here.” The fond nickname makes Jungkook worry even more, so he tries to look away, but Y/N is still holding him fast. “So. Do you?” Her brows have softened, as has her tone. She doesn’t sound concerned or upset, though she does sound a little anxious, and Jungkook hates himself a little for making her ever doubt that he desires her.

“Yes,” he breathes, then, and a small, content smile starts to creep across her face even as her fingers soften on his face. “But. But I can’t.”

“Why?” Y/N says, sounding genuinely interested. One of her hands is still on his cheek, but she moves the other one through his hair even as she watches it move down his neck and over his shoulder.

“Because, I’d never. I’d never make you do something you don’t want to do,” Jungkook says softly, watching Y/N’s eyes roam over his face. She only hums at that before going back to watching her hand. The one on his face has moved to the back of his neck, her fingers moving gently and slowly, but her eyes trace her other one. He’s taken to wearing more clothes around the house since she’s showed up, which means putting a shirt if he’s not sleeping, but it’s thin and does nothing to stop him from feeling her running her hand down his chest. At first her fingers are barely there, but she moves to feeling his arm that is still extended toward her, still holding onto her knees to keep her from falling off. She seems to be tracing or testing his muscles there as she works her fingers over his bicep before moving back to his chest, more pressure and purpose behind each touch now. He only sits and lets her touch him, watching her face intently. He tries to think of his boss. Of Nestor, even. Anything to keep him from enjoying her touches. She is just touching him, as he was just touching her, so there is no reason for him to get excited. And if she initiates, then surely he can’t get in trouble for what happens.

“Y/N,” he almost chokes when her hand grabs his waist. “We should go to bed.”

“No,” the girl mumbles, watching her thumb press into his stomach under his shirt. She’s suddenly moving quickly, and despite what she’s just said, Jungkook thinks she’s going to go to bed, but instead he’s forced to let go of her and let his arms be useless again as she resituates herself, her knee bumping into his even as she moves to straddle him. The armrest on the chair prevent her from getting too close, so she rests in what he would consider a safe place on his thighs, but her hands have moved, too, and are pulling at the bottom of his shirt before he can figure out what to do with his arms again, and habitually he raises them when he feels her hands skimming over his chest. She throws his shirt somewhere, and he reaches for her thighs again, partly to put his hands to use, partly to keep her from sliding off of him, and partly because he just wants to touch her again if he’s allowed to. He only holds her, though, and doesn’t move much, letting her look at him and work her hands over his shoulders and down his chest.

He’s not self-conscious about his body. Never has been. He’s not afraid of being judged based on what he looks like, because while it may be conceited, he knows he’s good looking. He works hard to be fit and strong, and it pays off. So he has never minded being looked at. But the way Y/N is looking at him, the way she is running her fingers over him as if she is trying to memorize him and savor every second she gets to touch him, makes him want to burst.

“Y/N,” he says, and while he wanted to sound gentle, his tone is harsher than he intended, more of a warning than anything else. She only hums and ignores him, and he feels like they’re playing a game all over again, and he realizes that Y/N is actually stubborn, perhaps extremely so, and very set on getting her way. The thought makes him smile and almost laugh, but her hands are too hard on his skin to make him laugh right now. She is serious and determined, though Jungkook is still not quite sure what she is after. He got himself into this mess, because he is stupidstupidstupid, but now he feels like he’s walked into the wrong classroom and is being forced to take a test unexpectedly that he definitely hasn’t studied for. He doesn’t know how to pass this test, if that’s what it is, and the thought terrifies him a little.

“Y/N,” he says, a little more desperately, but she only hums again and continues to explore, her hands increasingly moving south. His eyes break away from her face to watch her hands, and he curses when she sees how close she is to touching him where he knows he wants her to and he curses again at himself for getting so excited about the very idea. “Shit, Y/N,” he says, grabbing her hand the second she skims over his crotch. “Stop.” The word, or his tone, makes her snap her head up immediately and stare at him. She blinks once before shrinking away just enough for him to grab her wrist tighter. “Shit, wait. Just. Hold on,” Jungkook breathes, taking a deep breath to try to steady himself. “That’s. Slow down.” Jungkook curses internally again, embarrassed he’s been reduced to quickly to speaking like a grunt. The girl shrinks a little more, and he lets go of her hand so he can hold onto her thighs again in some attempt to keep her from running away. “I’m sorry. I do. I do want you, Y/N. But it doesn’t matter what I want. Fuck, it’s just. Seokjin. He. We can’t. Trust me. It wouldn’t be good.”

“Seok isn’t here,” Y/N whispers again, and Jungkook nods, but the girl only sighs, pushing on his chest and then on his wrists to let go of her. He does, because he must, and can only watch as she goes to the bathroom. He waits, trying to calm himself down, cursing the whole time, and watches when she comes out and picks up her phone from the table by his bed where it’s been charging. He watches as she types something almost frantically, a frown on her face, and he only stands up after a minute, realizing she might be texting Seokjin. He tries not to look threatening or like he’s panicking when he comes up to her, trying to keep a safe distance from her, and only looks at her cautiously when she hands him her phone. There’s a long string of text messages in front of him between Y/N and Seokjin, and he doesn’t feel like he should be looking at them, but she is the one handing him her phone. The first one the girl wants him to read is from last week, and he glances up at her the moment he reads it, but she only gestures back toward the phone.

Y/N (Thursday, 4:32PM):

Can I touch Kookie?

Seok (Thursday, 5:12PM):

Good afternoon to you, too, little one

I’m glad to hear from you

Of course you can

I’m sure he’ll let you

Y/N (Thursday, 5:14PM):

😊

Thank you

How is work going?

Seok (Thursday, 5:18PM):

Fine, fine

Enjoy yourself, ok?

p.s. he loves being teased

“I,” Jungkook stutters, looking up at Y/N. “Do not.” She only takes her phone and scrolls down some before handing it back to him, and he shuts his mouth to keep reading a set of messages he realizes she must have sent after they got back from Nestor’s.

Y/N (Saturday, 9:37AM):

Whatever Kookie tells you, I am sorry

It was dumb

I wanted to do the right thing

I’m not ungrateful for you or anything you’ve done

I promise

Seok (Saturday, 10:11AM):

Slow down, little one

What happened?

Y/N (Saturday, 10:13AM):

I tried to quit

Or I did

I told Nestor I quit

Seok (Saturday, 10:15AM):

I’m glad to hear it

Though I’m guessing he didn’t take it so well

Y/N (Saturday, 10:17AM):

No

But Kookie saved me

Seok (Saturday, 10:18AM):

Make sure you reward him then, yeah?

Y/N (Saturday, 10:19AM):

I will 😊

“I don’t want—” Jungkook starts, staring up at Y/N again, but he can’t even finish his thought in his own head before she’s grabbing her phone and swiping to what she had apparently just sent to his boss.

Y/N (11:43PM):

Can Kookie touch me???

Seok (11:44PM):

I imagine he’s very capable

And he has been already, hasn’t he?

Y/N (11:45PM):

Hand holding and cuddling, sure

I mean more than that

Is he allowed?

Seok (11:45PM):

If you want him to, little one, of course he is

Y/N (11:46PM):

Thank you

Seok (11:46PM):

Sleep well, I’ll see you soon

“But I. He,” Jungkook stammers, letting Y/N take her phone back easily. “But. I’m not paying for you.” Y/N huffs and looks so angry Jungkook winces, and he staggers back when the phone is thrusted toward him again. I’d hope not, you dick. I quit. I’m just me now. You can touch me. But since I know you’ll do whatever Seok says, obey him if that’s the incentive you need. “I don’t do whatever Seokjin says,” Jungkook mumbles, though the girl isn’t really wrong. “It just. Feels wrong. Like I’m stealing you from him. And I would never do that to him. You don’t know what he’s done for me. I can’t betray him.”

“It’s okay,” Y/N says, waving her phone in front of him again. “Seok said. It’s okay.”

“I know. I know, it just feels wrong.” A sigh escapes from his mouth before he can stop it, but then he rubs his hands over his eyes and groans, unsure of what to do. There’s a clump of dust or a spider web on his ceiling that catches his attention, and he stares up at it, his mouth agape, while he tries to figure out what to do. He’s never had to think so hard about touching a girl before. He doesn’t own her, but neither does Seokjin, but she asked for his boss’ permission even though he wasn’t paying her anymore, and that alone has sent his mind spinning, unsure of why Y/N would ask Seokjin in the first place but also why his boss would be okay with him doing anything with her. There’s also the matter of his job that’s holding him back. On the one hand, he was told to take care of the girl, but on the other hand, the very fact that he was told to take care of her while his boss was gone meant that the situation was only temporary, anyway, at least for the time being, and it looked more and more like a clump of dust on the ceiling, not a spiderweb, thankfully, the more he looked at it. He vaguely hears Y/N putting her phone down, and his neck almost snaps when he felt her touching his hips.

“You don’t have to,” he blurts out, blinking down at her as she blinks up at him. “Reward me. Not like this. I don’t. I mean, you don’t have to just because he said to. Right?”

“I want to,” she says, as if it was that simple, so he lets out a simple,

“Oh,” before going back to watching her closely. She must be afraid he’s going to back away or chicken out, which he would never do, because she surges forward up on her tiptoes towards him, but even with all of her efforts she can’t quite reach his face, and he actually laughs because he is stupidstupidstupid, though his laughter only increases when she lowers herself back down and lets go of him, frowning up at him. Her arms cross over her chest and she actually huffs, which only makes Jungkook laugh louder until he’s the one hurrying toward her before she gets madder at him. “Sorry, sorry,” he says, picking her up easily and carrying her back toward his desk. “You’re just so fucking cute.” She seems to flail a little at first, whether at being carried or because of his confession, but she turns her head to see where he’s taking her and calms down once she’s put down, though her arms are still crossed over her chest in what looks like annoyance. He puts himself between her legs and moves in close to her to even the playing field a little. In fact, she’s almost his height now, and that only makes him smile again, though he steels his face and wills himself to be serious. He pushes her wet hair behind her ears and searches her face for some sign of happiness and not pure annoyance as he speaks.

“Do you remember the first time I saw you in the club?” He waits until the girl nods slowly, her arms sinking into her lap. “You were beautiful. Still are. I noticed right away. But you were off limits. And that’s just what you became in my head. Even after. Even after I, uh, taught you some moves. Even after Seokjin hired you that one night. You. Girls in the club are only borrowed, not bought. They belong to Nestor. And, I know,” Jungkook says, holding up a finger when the girl’s mouth opened. “That no one can really own anyone else. And that you quit. And I’m really fucking proud of you for that, by the way. But in my head, that’s what you were. This beautiful, out of reach girl. And then when Seokjin took an interest, that only solidified in my mind that you would never be mine. Or, I could never. You know?” Jungkook sighs, waiting for the girl to nod again. There’s a tiny smile on her face which encourages him to keep going. “And then suddenly you were in my apartment, in my bed. And not to sound creepy, like I know it’s going to sound that way, but suddenly you weren’t out of reach. And yet you were still off limits in my mind. Is this making any sense?” Another sigh escapes Jungkook’s mouth because he does not feel like he’s any good at this talking stuff. Seokjin is smooth and would handle this well. But the girl nods and smiles a little wider. She motions with her hands that she wants to write something down, and he points over at the table. “Phone?” But she shakes her head, and so he holds up a finger and squeezes her knee gently before practically running to the living room where she’s left paper and pens from when she was doing her homework. He carries them back carefully to her, and her smile grows when he enters the room again which does not do things to his heart. When he hands them over, she immediately begins scribbling, and he tries to wait patiently for her to finish, but every time he tries to look, she pulls the paper away closer toward herself and gives him a teasing frown. He resigns to just standing between her legs again and tries not to run his fingers up and down her thighs while he waits, but he isn’t completely successful. Still, she doesn’t bat his hands away or anything, and only when she is finished is he forced to stop so he can look at what she’s done. It’s a flow chart that starts with the question “Should I kiss Y/N?” and Jungkook has to laugh before nodding and following the line of questions.

Do I want to kiss Y/N? (Yes)—> Does Y/N want to kiss me?

He looks up for confirmation even though he thinks he knows the answer and sees her nodding.

Does Y/N want to kiss me? (Yes)—> Do I care what Seokjin thinks? (Yes)—> Did Seokjin say I could kiss Y/N? (Yes)—> I should kiss Y/N.

“Well, when you put it that simply,” Jungkook says, throwing the paper down. He pulls on Y/N’s back even though she’s already practically as close as she can be to him and cups her face with his other hand before reaching down just slightly to kiss her. He thinks she might have been smiling when he did, because at first his lips simply press into hers, and she tastes like oranges, always like oranges even though he’s never seen her eat a single one, and he pulls back enough to let her back out if she wants to, but instead she leans toward him. Her eyes are closed, and it’s that tiny action that lets him know she trusts him and is waiting, so he meets her and hears the sigh at the back of her throat that vibrates all the way to his own lips and has him moving to try to make her release another one. She makes it easy on him, really, because she seems to relax more and more into each kiss, so much so that she stops kissing Jungkook back, which makes him pull away, but Y/N only smiles at him before wrapping her arms around him and putting her head on his chest. He hugs her back, resting his chin on her head, and tries not to freak out or over think anything until he picks her back and up carries her to bed. She laughs slightly when he drops her, and the sound makes Jungkook even giddier than he already feels as he climbs into bed beside her. She has been lying facing him every night since Nestor’s, and tonight is no different. She has been touching him every night, too, pulling on him or throwing a leg over him, and tonight is no different, only more. She brushes his bangs to the side which only makes him shake his head to put them back in his eyes so she will move them again. She presses her thumb on his lips and watches as he opens his mouth slowly only to playfully bite it and growl at her. She pokes his chest and his arms which makes him flex each muscle she touches in an effort to show off, probably. But he does it all because she laughs and draws closer to him, and Jungkook does not think about how he only gets to spend one more night with her when she curls up against him and sighs contently before falling asleep.

You wake up the next morning not feeling light like you thought you would. You don’t feel happy, either. Instead, your chest is heavy and there is some sense of dread weighing upon you. You look at Kookie sleeping beside you and can’t imagine why you feel so worried. Your lips are still tingling, but your tongue sits heavy in your mouth, and even when he wakes up later and smiles at you, you find you can’t say anything. You’re usually fine with talking in the morning, and you’ve been fine talking to Kookie more and more every day, so you can’t imagine why, when you open your mouth, nothing comes out. The boy must notice the panic on your face or the way your whole body has gone rigid, because he sits up immediately, pulling you with him as he goes until you’re sitting up, too, leaning against him.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” he says, obviously trying to keep the panic in his half-mumbled morning voice in check. “Y/N, tell me. Are you okay? Did you have a bad dream?” You shake your head, relieved you can at least move now, but he shakes your shoulders a little. “What’s wrong? Was it the kissing?” Another head shake, and Jungkook sighs, leaning his head against your back. “Okay. Okay. You have to tell me what’s wrong, then. Please tell me.” It’s that, his desire to hear you speak, to say something, that makes you fumble for your phone and type out something, your eyes still blinking from sleep and the shock of the sun peeping through the windows. Can’t talk. “You can,” Jungkook says, looking over your shoulder. “You can talk a lot. Plenty. You know lots of words. Just talk to me.” You take a deep breath instead, wondering what to even say. Jungkook’s head returns to your back, his cheek pressed against you, and you feel him rock your bodies back and forth gently. You’re worried he’s gone back to sleep eventually, but instead you hear him humming and then singing softly. It’s not a song you know, and it’s not in English, but his voice is so beautiful it doesn’t even matter. When he stops you twist a little in his arms to look at him. He’s moved so he can look at you, too, and he smiles when you do.

“Kookie,” you say, “you’re so good.”

“Oh, thanks,” he says, laughing awkwardly.

“I don’t want to,” you say, and Jungkook tilts his head at you, raising one of his eyebrows like he does whenever he doesn’t understand you. “Don’t want to go,” you finish, and he makes a noise of understanding. He doesn’t say anything, though, just puts his chin back on your shoulder and sways back and forth a few times. You lean your head against his, grateful it’s the side of your face that isn’t still bruised and let the silence work between the pair of you. You can feel yourself drifting back to sleep before Jungkook speaks again, his voice so quiet that you almost miss it.

“Seokjin will take good care of you,” he whispers, and you don’t doubt it. You’re not worried about seeing Seokjin again. You want to, in fact. You just don’t want to leave Jungkook.

It seems a little pointless, but you stick close to Jungkook the whole day, ignoring the homework you’re still struggling to catch up on. You go with him to run errands; he needs food for just himself now, and you watch fondly as he almost buys the cereal you like before remembering he won’t eat it. You try to have him help you pick out flowers for Seokjin, but when he just says they all look nice, you settle on blue hydrangeas on your own. You don’t let go of his hand, either, but he doesn’t seem to mind. You’re both relatively quiet the whole day, too, a shared sense of uneasiness pervading through his small apartment that will soon be only his again. You keep him close at night, too, making him kiss you a little longer and a little harder, and in the morning you leave him in bed to sleep as you pack up your things. You hardly have any, but they seem to be everywhere, and the place is tiny, but you comb through each room finding more and more little items, pens and hairclips that certainly weren’t there a few weeks ago. You save his room for last, and he’s just lying there, his hands under his head, watching you when you come out of the bathroom.

“What?” you say, and his eyes are still a little droopy and puffy from sleep as he shrugs. You don’t quite believe that he has nothing to say, but when he doesn’t answer you finish packing and then stand by his bed, pulling his covers off so he’ll get up. He doesn’t even move, and when he’s left in just his shorts in front of you, you have to roll your eyes. You have learned that, without a reason to get up, the boy is skilled in taking forever to wake up. Patting his shin, you gesture toward the door, but he still doesn’t move, his eyes watching you with a smirk growing on his face.

“Do you want to meet him when he lands?” he says, only moving his leg to fight off your hand.

“No.”

“Then we have time. He’ll text once he’s home,” Jungkook says, and he moves his arms to pat the space beside him. Rolling your eyes again, you start to climb back in bed, making sure to put your hand on his chest and your knees on his thighs. He lets out a grunt or two before you flop yourself down completely on top of him, grabbing both of his hands and pulling them to the side to try to resemble a starfish. “You know,” Jungkook says, squirming a little beneath you, “if you think this is going to help me get up faster, I have to let you know you are sorely mistaken.” You only hum, closing your eyes and letting your head rise and fall with his chest. You let go of his hands to curl up a little, and you’re glad when his hands come to rest on your back, his fingers beginning to move up and down and trace faint patterns over your shirt. At some point you must have fallen asleep, though you’re not sure if it’s after he started humming or after he slipped a hand under your shirt, but you wake up to an empty bed, though the sheets are still warm.

“Kookie?” you say, clearing your throat when the sound is barely decipherable even to yourself. His head pops around the corner of the bathroom doorway.

“Five minutes, okay? Seokjin called.”

“Yeah. Okay,” you say, blinking rapidly and sitting up quickly. You slap your face a little, wincing from the cheek that’s still sore, and clamber out of bed, rushing to get your shoes on. By the time Jungkook’s out of the bathroom, you’re standing by your bag, ready to go, and he gives you a nod before grabbing his keys. He makes it to the door before you feel brave enough to say his name, and he thankfully turns around and holds out his hand which you take gladly. He only lets go when he has to, and even in the car he reaches for you as you stare out the window, the flowers you had picked out sitting in your lap. You’ve forgotten the landmarks to Seokjin’s already, so you arrive sooner than you expected, but Jungkook parks and turns the car off, waiting for you before moving. You can’t quite pinpoint what you’re feeling, an odd mixture of excitement and disappointment, so you open your door slowly, not surprised when Jungkook rushes out to finish opening it for you. He offers you his hand to help you out, but you can see the two guards by the door already and only smile at him. He takes your bag instead, and you follow closely after him, clutching onto the bundle of hydrangeas. Seungkwan and Wonwoo are on duty, and the former smiles when he sees you, waving eagerly at you.

“Y/N! Welcome back! We’ve missed you.” You think maybe only he has, not Wonwoo, but you smile back anyway.

“Thank you,” you say to be polite, and the boy beams at you as you walk past. The elevator takes longer than you remember, and then you’re at the door. Jungkook is still in front of you, so you think he is going to knock or just go in, but he stands by the door and waits for you.

“Kookie,” you say before going in, and he tilts his head like he has done when he wants you to go on or explain something. “Thank you.” He only nods, and you take a deep breath before opening the door.

“I don’t care,” you immediately hear Seokjin saying, his tone exasperated. “For the last time, Namjoon, I know you disagree, but you can either do what I say or find work somewhere else.” It’s barely ten in the morning, but Seokjin is already nursing a half-finished drink and is apparently talking to Namjoon over the phone, his cell lit up on the counter. Before Namjoon can respond, Seokjin looks up and sees you, a faint smile on his lips. “Now, I am tired, so go complain to Yoongi about me. We’ll discuss this tomorrow.” His finger swipes over his phone to hang up, his gaze never leaving you, and already you felt your cheeks burning slightly. “Hello, little one.” With a huge smile at hearing his pet name for you in person again, you practically run to him, his arms opening just in time to catch you in a tight hug, dropping the flowers on the island beside him before you reach him. You can feel and hear him laugh slightly, and you can feel something else under your arm on his side poking into your skin that makes you pull away faster than you want to.

“What’s this?” you say, moving his arm to see. He is wearing a button-up shirt like you have seen him in many times with a thin tie, but his blazer is already off, and there are two straps over his shoulders going under his arms, and under his left arm is a holster, holding the thing that had poked you slightly. A pistol. You scramble away from him as quickly as you can, not sure if you scream or merely gasp, an image of Nestor flashing through your head along with his warning, and even though Seokjin does reach for you, you fling your arms widely to keep him away, stumbling backwards through the kitchen until your back hits a counter. You make your way along it, your hands in front of you as if they could stop a bullet until you’ve backed yourself into a corner. Someone is muttering “no” over and over who you realize belatedly is you even as you sink to the floor.

“Kookie! Kookie!” you yell without really thinking, ducking your head even as you do so, unable to look at Seokjin staring at you. He hasn’t actually moved from beside the island, his hands held out in front of him but frozen in surprise. You don’t have to lift your head to know when Jungkook is in front of you as you can hear him cursing and muttering, though you’re not sure who he’s addressing. He’s asking you something, you think, but you can only feel yourself shaking as a gun presses into your back, and you struggle to stand up to get away from it, but instead you only lurch forward, grabbing onto Jungkook in front of you. He huffs and staggers on his heels where he’s squatting in front of you but recovers quickly, holding onto your shoulders and then managing to pick you up even though you are no help. You cling to him and squeeze your eyes shut, clawing at his back and struggling to breathe as he stands. You try to just feel his hands on you, just listen to whatever he is mumbling in your ear, but a door has been thrown open, and Nestor is yelling at you, his voice full of spite, the threat heavy on his lips, and you can only gasp, unable to make it stop, unable to make him stop until you hear a door slamming. Your eyes fling open, and you blink rapidly as Jungkook comes into focus in front of you.

“Kookie?” you say, hearing and feeling the boy sigh. You’re in some room, perhaps Seokjin’s guest bedroom, and Jungkook had shut the door.

“You’re safe,” he says, pulling your head back down to his shoulder. “You’re safe,” he repeats over and over again, even as he carries you to the bed and sets you down gently and curls up behind you.

You were afraid you would never be safe again, though.

A/N: Yikes. Here’s to hoping that talk that Seokjin mentioned happens soon for everyone’s sake.

As always, I’m here if you have any questions!