Jun 8
Biohazard — Tears of Blood
Inspired by Septic Man (2013)
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Singapore
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Canada
seen from United States
seen from Singapore
seen from United States
seen from Netherlands
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Malaysia
seen from Philippines
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
Biohazard — Tears of Blood
Inspired by Septic Man (2013)
Septic Man captivates with impressive special effects, but its confusing story detracts from the overall experience and clarity.
#HARPERSMOVIECOLLECTION
2024
www.tumblr.com/theharpermovieblog
BAD MOVIE TRIPLE FEATURE pt.2
I watched Septic Man (2013)
It's hard to write a review of something this boring and bad, but I guess I'll try. (I usually don't love to take down smaller films, but this one is too hard to find something I actually like.)
During a water born disease crisis, a worker gets trapped in an underground septic tank, which a serial killer and his giant brother have been using to store dead bodies. Over time the worker begins to hideously transform within his toxic prison.
With a title like "Septic Man", I highly expected a ridiculous Troma-esque movie, made up of pure ridiculousness and lame sleazy jokes. This is not that kind of movie. That would at least be interesting, but god forbid a movie be interesting.
This whole movie takes itself very seriously, despite not being nearly good enough to do so. The worst part of taking itself so seriously and being simultaneously so bad, is that it absolutely destroys any and all fun or enjoyment which a premise like this could have going for it.
Yeah, this movie is kind of gross, but being gross isn't fun enough to make this worth your time. It may surprise you, but watching people puke and shit and play around in shit water isn't exactly engaging enough on it's own.
Why is taking itself seriously so bad for this movie?
When the acting, directing and writing are all sub-par in a film, the hardest thing to pull of is drama. But, despite it's complete lack of good filmmaking, Septic Man doubles down on trying to be a dark and drab drama.
Mostly, the writing here is awful and the worst part of the equation. The movie overcomplicates several simple ideas by jamming them together and not blending them properly. The writing, as a result, never feels cohesive or engaging. It feels dumb and lazy. Like a writer who believes their first draft is good enough and doesn't actually bother to work on structure or character or plot.
Maybe, just maybe, a sense of humor could have made this tolerable. At the end of the day, It's a movie about a man becoming a shit monster, so it would at least create a tone that plays well. But, then again, I'm not sure I want to find out what this writer thinks is funny.
This movie wants to be an emotional drama, but also a gross-out body horror flick, but also a serial killer movie....and it never once puts in the effort to pull off any of this off. It's devoid of any point or meaning or scares or anything interesting.
A serious body horror drama can be done. Director David Cronenberg does it a lot. "The Fly" is a clear example of a smart, brutally dramatic body horror that, despite it's somewhat silly plot, works and works well. The writing and attention to detail and character are there, and therefore create a movie that engages the audience while simultaneously challenging them to keep watching.
"Septic Man" fails everywhere a film like "The Fly" succeeds.
Veteran actors Julian Richings and Stephen McHattie (McHattie is barely in this) both show up in this movie, and both deserve better than shit like this.
Septic man is my favorite movie bc whenever i start going "hmm maybe i should watch it again" that means its time to go to sleep
Fuck you *ponies your septic man*
tube thoughts vol. 2
zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific
zack snyder's 300: Rise of an Empire *Lady warrior commandeers the battle scenes and saves it from being a male meat fest like the first film.* 3 stars
rifftrax presents "Independence Day" *One way to make this movie more moronic would be if social media existed in its world at the time.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without
Cannon films "Ninja 3: The Domination" *Spunky shinobi, you must avenge me!* 3 stars
Septic Man *Municipal shit-storm* either zero stars for grossness or 3 stars for grossness and surrealness
"The Stuff" a Larry Cohen film starring Michael Moriarty *Ba-da-ba-ba-ba, I'm lovin' it.* 3 stars
Farscape premier episode *Awol from the ratcage.* 3 stars
Garth Marenghi's: Darkplace "The Creeping Moss from the Shores of Shoggoth" *Brocolli from space. I'd thought it had tasted odd.* 3 stars
Albert Pyun's "Omega Doom" starring Rutger Hauer *It's nice to know after we've killed ourselves off, through constant warfare, sentient robots will become gun nuts and start acting out cold war westerns.* 2 1/2 stars
Kenny vs. Spenny: "Who Can Sell More Bibles?" *The Devil is in the details.* 3 stars
Masters of Horror: Clive Barker's "Valerie on the Stairs" *Another bodice-ripper.* 2 stars
"I Spit On Your Grave" uncut 1978 either zero stars or 3 stars
"Beyond the Door" *Paranormal pregnancy with personality.* 3 stars
Twin Peaks: "The Condemned Woman" *Josie and the pine weasels* 2 1/2 stars
Lost and Found Video Night: Vol 7 -- 3 stars
Seinfeld: "The Frogger" *George's high score.* 3 stars
Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "Mr. R.I.N.G." *What's the difference between right and wrong? robot need to know.* 3 stars
Everything is Terrible "The Rise and Fall of God" *Homeschool is the answer.* 3 stars
Roger Corman presents Andrew Stevens' "Subliminal Seduction" featuring Sharknado's Ian Ziering and Critters' Dee Wallace Stone *CD-ROM Inception meets Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" type inept erotic thriller.* 3 stars
David Cronenberg's "eXistenZ" *Jennifer Jason Leigh penetrates Jude Law's port hole in order to play an addictive and twisted version of The Sims.* 3 stars
rifftrax presents "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" *Butter scraped over too much bread.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without
"Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone" *Han Solo babysits a brat-pack ginger cutie, Ernie Hudson is Lando, and Michael Ironside is a Darth Humongous who believes that Earth Girls Are Easy.* 3 stars
"Riddick" *Robinson Crusoe machismo* 3 stars
Farscape: "I, E.T." *My name is Mud.* 3 stars
Dominion: pilot episode *Bright light city gonna set my soul on fire.* 2 1/2 stars
"Thor: Dark World" *Science lady Padme pines for Adam of Eternia so that she inadvertently stumbles into the evil fudge and awakens the 9th Doctor Keebler Who causes the realms to converge like ornaments on an imploding Christmas tree.* 3 stars
"Priest" *Paul Bettany's Obi-Wan character is disenchanted with his forced retirement in a Catholic 1984 dystopia and his regret filled dreams lead to the wasteland where his fallen knights of the old republic partner, a cowboy from hell Karl Urban, lurks about with his horde of bloodsucking bandits and xenomorph vampires. A decent cameo from Brad Dourif as a snake oil salesman. This movie's biggest flaw is that it forgets the classic genre work of Sergio Leone, John Carpenter, and George Miller and instead mimmicks the cliche Matrix ripoff style hack work of Paul W.S. Anderson's Resident Evil flicks.* 2 stars
"Scanners 2: The New Order" *If you get inside me, go gently, and easy on the nosebleeds. This kind of telepathic power in the hands of a fascist P.D., no thankee.* 3 stars
Joe Bob's Christmas Special: Charles Band's "Pets" *Inhabits the same universe as other weird, dumb kids' adventure comedies like 'Garbage Pail Kids', 'The Super Mario Bros Movie', 'Ernest Scared Stupid', and 'Problem Child 1 & 2'* 1 1/2 stars
Sami Rami & The Coen Bros present "Crimewave" aka "The XYZ Murders" *Reminiscent of the Three Stooges, classic Mel Brooks, 40s cartoons, humorous Tom Waits song tales, and the original SNL.* 3 stars
Udo Kier in "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Miss OSbourne' --sexploitation-- *Show me where it hurts. Fill me with hatred. My pleasure is seeing your dead body.* 3 stars
Masters of Horror: "Right to Die" *The crispy, vengeful ghost of Terry Shiavo.* 3 stars
William Lustig's "Vigilante" starring Robert Forster & Fred Williamson *Regular Joe nihilism* 3 stars
rifftrax presents Ridley Scott's "Alien" *H.R. Giger porn on the sattelite of love.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without
Josh Brolin is DC's "Jonah Hex" *Sometimes spooky, often dumb B-western that's sadly too gutless to show any blood n grit. Still it might fit into a marathon of 'The Quick and the Dead', 'Five Bloody Graves', 'Navajo Joe', and 'Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter.'* 2 stars
"Rhinestone Cowgirls" 1982 --xxx-- *Easy listenin' and screwin', plus plenty of other prickly situations protruding in Cactus Corner.* 2 stars
Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "Primal Scream" *Unfrozen caveman mauler.* 3 stars
"Shogun Assassin" *Daddy day samurai* 3 stars
Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Dino De Laurentiis presents "Orca" *starring Richard Harris as a salty sea-dog, Charlotte Rampling as a sensitive marine biologist, Bo Derek as a sexy shipmate and Shamu snack, plus the indian fella from 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' lending his wisdom by saying things like, "The old ways no longer work. Now, even our gods dance to a new tune."* 2 1/2 stars
"Baron Blood" *Decent dubbing, giallo lite, moody nightscapes, cursed castle, creepy stalking.* 2 1/2 stars
Garth Marenghi's Darkplace: "Illuminatum & Illuminata" *Interviewer: Do you believe in the Horned One? the actor Todd Rivers: You mean the Hoofed One? Interviewer: Yeah.* 3 stars
Beavis & Butthead: "Time Machine" *Butthead: 1832, that's like not now. Beavis: Yeah, aren't we more than that?* 2 1/2 stars
Twin Peaks: "Wounds and Scars" *"A country habit. We are so very trusting."* 3 stars
Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Wes Craven's "The People Under the Stairs" *A ghetto version of Twin Peaks' "Black Lodge" where "Hills Have Eyes" type inbred freaks are trapped in the cellar and "Sometimes further in is the only way out." in a twisted Tom & Jerry style game of cat & mouse.* 3 stars
Masters of Horror: "We All Scream for Ice Cream" starring Lee Tergesen, William Forsythe, and the kid from Bad Santa and Eastbound & Down *The Good Humor Man returns from the land of the popsicles to scoop out and dish some cold and sticky revenge.* 3 stars
Gun Fu John Woo and Risky Bidness Tom Cruise present: "Mission Impossible 2" *We've got the cure, we made the disease. Dianetics incorporated.* 3 stars
Tim & Eric present: Bedtime Stories "Hole" *Spitting surreal absurdism sometimes sidetracks the sinister suburban satire.* 2 1/2 stars
MST3K presents: Charles Band's "Laserblast" *Moppy-haired stoner with a muscle-van gets to rain down the fire of the lizard alien gods on his stereotypical 70s burnout and redneck cop enemies in his one horse desert hometown.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without
Farscape: "Exodus from Genesis" *A hot time in the roach maternity ward in the outer reaches of the universe, tonight.* 3 stars
"Saga, Curse of the Shadow" aka "The Shadow Cabal" *Somewhere between Peter Jackson's LOTR and LARPers that run around yelling, "Lightning bolt, lightnight bolt, lightning bolt!" 2 1/2 stars
"Night of the Loving Dangerously" --xxx-- *With the allure of his ever-wanton ex-wife, Traci Lords, private dick, Peter North, is pulled into a web of blackmail involving his ex's new fiance- a perverted CEO with everything to lose, Jamie Gillis, his naughty daddy's girl daughter, and gay son's snooping photographer boyfriend.* 2 1/2 stars
Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: "Poltergeist" *Joe Bob maligns Spielberg's involvement with a Tobe Hooper horor flick, Heather O'Rourke gives me the sads, an 80s kids bedroom is full of nostalgic shit, the mom looks sexy even with a streak of grey hair, there's some kind of message about the sinister nature of suburban sprawl, a sassy medium with a drawl steals the show, and Joe Bob ponders the difference between "Go into the light" & "Stay away from the light."* 3 stars
Lost & Found Video Night Vol. 5 *Hot diggity tallyho* 3 stars
"Purely Physical" 1982 --xxx-- *Schmaltzy motel fornicating where the lovers' lips refuse to move when the pillow talk gets filthy.* 2 1/2 stars
Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "The Trevi Collection" *Fashion victims. Some hilariously bad acting from a witch.* 3 stars
"Gallowwalkers" starring Wesley Snipes *Spaghetti vampire western. The kind of movie Blade 3 should have been.* 3 stars
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back & Return of the Jedi ---despecialized editions--- *Impressive. Most impressive* 3 stars
Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: 1954's U.S. version of "Godzilla" & "Godzilla vs. Mothra" *Tokyo stompin' in a Texas trailer park.* 3 stars
"Manborg" 2011 *Will Ferrell's 'Westworld', Scott Pilgrim vs. Mega City 1, Napoleon Dynamite 2: Judgment Day, Tom Green's 'Total Recall', Jim Carrey's "Battlefield Earth', Sam Raimi's 'Mortal Kombat: Annihilation', Paul Verhoeven's 'Army of Darkness', Patrick Swazy, Jacki Chan, Jake Busey, and Cynthia Rothrock in 'Revenge of the Sith'.* 3 stars
Masters of Horror: Stuart Gordon presents Edgar Alan Poe's "The Black Cat" *Pluto, the little devil.* 2 1/2 stars
rifftrax presents: "The Last Slumber Party" *More potty-mouthed and homophobic than a Wayans Bros. "Horror" "Comedy" "Movie"* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 1/2 without
The Outer Limits: George R.R. Martin's "Sandkings" starring Beau & Lloyd Bridges *Red menace* 3 stars
rifftrax presents: "Battlefield Earth" *L. Ron Hubbard's The Passion of the Prometheus as acted out by the rat-brained man-animal, John Travolta.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without
Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Mel Brooks "Spaceballs" 3 stars
rifftrax presents "Fantasic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer" *Fate of world hangs in balance while obnoxious bantering, obnoxious celebrity style wedding is overshadowing focus, obnoxious background extras actors mug for the camera and stare at the pop culture status heroes, obnoxious twirling mustache Dr. Doom villain moments, obnoxious studio thinking Galactus is a stupid concept and yet going through with having his threat to earth being the plot-- leaving us with a cloud of lame spacedust* 1 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without
Troma presents: Lucio Fulci's "Rome 2072: The New Gladiators" *Televised brutality in a cyber-disco dystopia where the cities of the future are painfully obvious scale models covered in Christmas lights and dirtbikes along with karate chops are still considered pretty badass.* 2 1/2 stars
--- Game of Thrones: Season 3 episode 1
*The inept, pudgy comic relief gets to stumble around in the snow avoiding ice zombies,
the dashing dwarf gets dissed by dear old dad,
the high class pimp positions himself near the daughter of the woman who always shunned his advances,
the would be future queen shows kindess to orphans and gets politely scolded for it,
a crow defects to the king beyond the wall,
a fiery zealot harshly deals with infidels,
a shiprecked war veteran brother puts himself back in harm's way to try to talk sense to his witch's pussy whipped brother,
the king of the north returns to his scorched hometown and imprisons his mum there,
a puppy eyed dragon mama sails with her seasick soldiers and goes shopping for baby slaughtering drone warriors while narrowly escaping creepy child with scorpion assassination attempt.*
3 stars
-------------------------------------------------------
rifftrax' Mike Nelson riffs "Predator" *"Speak mono-Slavic-ally and carry a big stick."* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 without
George Lucas & Ron Howard present: "Willow" *In order to save a red-headed bastard baby, Frodo Skywalker fellowships a force of ragtags including a Han Solo in Pocahontas drag, an indian in the cupboard Kevin Pollack, and a wizard lady trapped by spell in the body of a wombat.* 3 stars
rifftrax presents: "Twilight: New Moon" *A frigid, psycho chick gets dumped by her prissy, older, unhealthy obsession. she then begins having night terrors ruining the sleep of her closet gay lumberjack dad. next, she begins leading a lovesick puppydog around on a leash while getting wreckless on a mopad, attempting suicide for attention and all before going on a sisterhood of traveling pants adventure to a pretentious Anne Rice version of faggy Europe. 1980s teens were awesome. 2000s teens are awful.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without
---- monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs:
"Slaughter High" aka "April Fool's Day"
*These jokers aint' f-f-f-foolin'. They like their drugs, they like their sex, they like their cruel pranks on nerds.
Unlucky for them, their 10th year class reunion takes place at the now abandoned old high school in the middle of nowhere on a rainy night.
It's the perfect setting for an old dark house horror mixed with Agatha Christie style revenge picture.
This is one of the best episodes of monstervision.
It features a classic 1980s slasher flick, it has the original mail girl, Joe Bob skewers the logic of the TNT censors, and he reads an awkward letter from a male admirer named Rufus.*
3 stars
---------------------------------------------------------------
"A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors" *Freddy flew over the cuckoos' nest* 3 stars
The Outer Limits: "Valerie 23" *Do androids sleep mode with electric wet dreams? 2 be or R2D2? See, I could think of some existential questions to ask my prototype sexbot over a romantic dinner, especially if she were the first sentient being of her kind, and had Hulk strength for no apparently necessary reason.* 2 1/2 stars
Jamie Gillis in "Midnight Heat" 1983 --xxx-- *Rare grime. A gem of a different time. Seedy NYC.* 3 stars
Masters of Horror: "The Washingtonians" *Patriotic blue hairs set their wooden teeth on edge about the disclosure of that rich colonial tradition of chomping on cherry tastin' child flesh.* 2 stars
Farscape: "Throne for a Loss" *Rigel, the royal pain in the rear.* 3 stars
"Hellraiser 2: Hellbound" uncut *The stigmata of Sigmund Freud, from the makers of 'Scratch it, sniff it, squeeze it, suck it,' now available at finer novelty shops.* 3 stars
Twin Peaks: "On the Wings of Love" *Hangover cures, hidden secret half-sister, hallelujah for the hard of hearing, hometown beauty pageant queen hitlist, and hoot owl hieroglypics.* 2 1/2 stars
Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Randy Quaid in "Parents" *A Norman Rockwell painting hanging on the wall behind the desk at the Bates Motel.* 3 stars
The Outer Limits: "Blood Brothers" *Twelve immortal monkeys* 2 1/2 stars
"Kill List" 2011 -- *This feels like it could be a Garth Ennis story. It has old mates drinking together and shooting the shite about life. It has acts of extreme violence almost to the point of dark comedy. It has a bleak poignancy. There's also the occult undertones like a Hellblazer comic.* 3 stars
William Hurt in Ken Russell's "Altered States" *Waiting, in a fish-bowl, for Godot.* 3 stars
Kolchak, The Night Stalker: "Chopper" *Stunt motorcycle riding, sword slashing specter with separation anxiety.* 3 stars
Farscape: "Back, and Back, and Back to the Future" *"Psychic Spanish-fly," alien lady combat, genetically structured spy seductress, quantum singularity also known as a blackhole used as a soul saving secret weapon of mass destruction that is seriously in jeopardy of being stolen or accidentally set off."* 3 stars
"The Wind" starring Meg Foster, Wings Hauser, & Steve Railsback *Swept up in stormy solitude and story.* 3 stars
The Outer Limits: "The Second Soul" *Lending our dead bodies, like they were used cars, to alien parasites, leads to some serious moral implications. Feels like a 50s style sci fi message about the dangers of multiculturalism given a more progressive twist at the end.* 2 1/2 stars
"Virgin Witch" --sexploitation-- *Prissy Galore throws a feisty spell when a group of dysfunctional devil worshippers decide they really, really fancy her.* 2 1/2 stars
Van Damme / Raul Julia "Streetfighter" *"Who wants to go home, and who wants to go with ME?!" Self aware dumb fun.* 2 1/2 stars
rifftrax' Mike Nelson riffs "xXx" starring Vin Diesel, Samuel L. Jackson, & Asia Argento *Double Ohhh Seven sez, "Do the DEW, dude."* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without
SEPTIC MAN: Good Social Commentary, Shit Action
SEPTIC MAN: Good Social Commentary, Shit Action
Septic Man. 2014. Directed by Jesse Thomas Cook. Screenplay by Tony Burgess. Starring Jason David Brown, Molly Dunsworth, Julian Richings, Robert Maillet, Timothy Burd, & Stephen McHattie. Rated R. 83 minutes. Horror ★★1/2 Online, this film is endlessly written about in reference to Troma’s Toxic Avenger, which is understandable:…
View On WordPress