dallon grey & christopher sterling - session 001
[ the beginning of the session focused on family and chris’ eating disorders. it picks up a few posts in because initially the session moved so quickly chatzy ate it before i could save things!! ]
Dallon nodded, offering a soft smile. "That's nice. I have a sister here, a half sister. Her name's Maddie, Madeleine. It's always good to get to see your family after you've been apart. I'm glad you see it like that-- but instead of being scared, let that motivate you. And consider why you don't want to see her like this. You know you don't deserve it, deep down, if she doesn't. Right? I know it's not that simple, but start from there." She rested her chin in her palm. "I'll tell you something about me. I left home when I was thirteen because my parents kicked me out. For dating a girl. I ended up doing fentanyl for a couple years. And I wish I'd stayed in my sister's life, because she needed me, just like yours does. All of us make bad decisions, and usually they hurt us, and we need something to pull us back out." She frowned when he switched back to the topic of his heart. "Okay. That sounds like bradycardia to me, possibly combined with a weakening of the muscle. But we'd need to follow up to be sure. Bradycardia won't kill you, at least, not like an arrhythmia will. But it's still not something to be ignored." She took a few notes on his explanation, nodding with a small smile. "Alright. That's good, that you don't necessarily want to take it to the limit. You said you know how far you can go, but your body is constantly changing. What you could do before may not be plausible now. You could do exactly what you've done before and die, just like that. So you have to reevaluate what's most important. Going as far as you can, or living? Being there for your sister? I think I know. And you know. It's just a matter of turning that into action."
"That's cool that she's here, kinda. I mean, not cool that she's at a place like this, obviously, but it's cool that you get to see her and stuff. I've got, uh, two sisters that's are older - Sharon and Ella - and then three younger half sisters. Kimber's the one I'm concerned about, though, she's the youngest. I know I don't deserve it, and she especially doesn't, but I've done it since I was, like, thirteen and nothing's ever changed." Really, he was kind of surprised that he hadn't already died, but he was also glad that he hadn't because then he wouldn't be able to be there for Kimber. "That's kinda fucked up. I've never been, like, legit kicked out but I've ran away before. It's just - I've done a lot of bad stuff, things I don't even want Kimber to ever know about. Drugs, drinking, stripping, the occasional prostitution when things were a little too tight with the money situation. Like, I feel like that on top of my medical problems would just be such a huge disappointment to her when she's older because right now she looks up to me. I don't want her to look back and think that I'm just fucked up or something, I don't want that." Chris sighed softly, shaking his head and rubbing at his face. He hated the subject, it hurt him, but he wanted it all on the table. "Bradycardia, that's a big word. I don't think I like that," Chris frowned, biting his lip for a moment before shaking his head a bit. "I don't wanna ever get back on that brink of death thing. That was some fucked up adrenaline kick that I was getting. Like, what can I do next before I actually die? What's gonna be the thing that pushes me over the edge? I don't go as far as I can anymore. If I really wanted to, I'd stop eating all together. But that's an extreme I'm not willing to go to. I mean, what I'm doing now is like nothing compared to what I used to do. I feel like this is kind of an improvement."
"Yeah, I'm glad I get to be here now. I can try to make up for my absence, at least." Dallon raised her eyebrows. "That's a large family. How was it growing up with so many siblings? Was it fun, or kind of overwhelming? Just because you've done something for a long time doesn't mean you can't stop or change." Dallon took another sip of tea, tapping her fingernails against the glass bottle. "Yeah, it was really horrible. They're intolerant and they don't understand that there's a line separating pure Christianity and using it to push a hateful agenda. It's hard to make them see it. I wish I'd tried harder, rather than giving in and leaving. I'm not even sure they would've gone through with it, but they gave me the ultimatum and I'm stubborn, so I walked. We've all done bad things. I've stolen things and pawned them for drug money, lived with guys who were way older than me, all of that-- you just have to work on getting to the point where you're well enough to know you're never going to do any of that again, where you respect yourself, and tell her. The whole thing. And she'll love you, because you came through all of that and you're still here for her." She nodded and typed a request into his file for a heart consult and EKG. "Well, it's definitely not good. But like I said, it could be much worse. And it's not an official diagnosis, we'll have to see what the test results say." She turned back to her notepad, wrote his words down. "Good. It's good to know what about your disorder upsets you, scares you, so we can work to keep you safe from that. And that's a good point-- anything could come out of nowhere and hit you, whether it's an arrhythmia, a seizure, cardiac arrest, organ failure-- that's why eating disorders are the most deadly neurological conditions. But I'm glad to hear you say that. You made a small improvement-- let's just keep doing that, slowly."
"Oh, I didn't grow up with all of them. Just the older two," Chris smiled a little. "Sharon and Ella pretty much raised me when I was a kid, they were always the ones to help me and get me through stuff. Two of my half sisters are my moms, they're only, like, thirteen, and then Kimber's just six." It was a strange situation with his entire family - there was a lot of them, but a lot of them weren't fully related or anything like that. There were a lot of step-parents and extended family that made it all seem kind of overcrowded and weird. "God, that sounds like my mom's family. Nana and Pop were like that, like, really hardcore. I thought they hated me for a while because they always talked down to me and said what I did was wrong, uh - they wanted to say that I was a sinner and all that stuff. Like... it's just hateful and rude. It isn't right. Ultimatums are bullshit, though. I wouldn't choose if someone gave me choices, I'd do what I wanted to just to piss them off more. I just - hate shit like that. I'm scared that Kimber will think infucked her up, uh - I don't want her to think that, if she ends up sick, I did it to her, y'know? That scares me. Then she really would hate me because I would be the influence of her being sick and I don't want that, ever." Chris let out a shaky breath, rubbing at his face and squeezing his eyes shut momentarily. "I just don't wanna go through one of those cat scan machines where you gotta lay super still, those are scary. Like, scarier than dying. I'm more afraid of that than I am of dying from everything wrong with me. I mean, maybe my progress is fucked up and it shouldn't be considered progress, but it's better than not eating or throwing up so hard that I rip open my esophagus, I guess. A lot of people don't consider it to be progress and I fucking hate it, because for me it is progress. I just - hate all of this."
"Ah. I guess that's a pretty nice way to do it. Not a lonely childhood, but not crowded to the point of lacking individual attention. Are you close with all of them, then? There's a pretty big gap between Maddie and I, too, six years. Ah man, little kids are fun. If I had one, I'd spend my whole paycheck on toys, they're so cute." She sighed quietly and laced her fingers together. "You said you *thought* they hated you. Did they make you think otherwise? I think, or I hope-- in most cases, people realize that their prejudice is wrong when it comes down to the people they love. Which is one reason why I wish I'd stayed at home. Maybe they could've learned to change, and Maddie wouldn't have had to-- deal with it. I feel a need to ask-- are there problems that linger, do you think, based on your sexuality? Or do you feel like you've mostly been able to move past that conflict?" She paused. "I think these kinds of disorders are extremely hard to pass on based purely on influence. Addictions are very easy to pass to new generations. But eating disorders are a bit more complex... I think as long as you show her that she's loved, make sure she's not exposed to the things that hurt you, she'll be able to avoid it. I know that was an assumption, but I do think there are painful reasons for what you're doing. If you want to talk through that, let me know." She reached across the desk to touch his hand lightly. "You don't need to go through a CAT scan to detect what we're looking for. So, don't worry about that. An EKG is simple, they'll put little stickers on your chest, doesn't hurt, and then attach the wires to a monitor. Shows the electrical pattern of your heart." She made another note, a suggestion to be careful with wording. "If you see yourself making progress, don't worry about how other people see it. We're focusing on you, so don't think that anything you do isn't enough. Just make sure you keep it going, that's what matters."
"God, there was still a lack of attention," Chris laughed, almost bitterly. "None of us got attention, not a bit. Sharon and Ella were the ones who pretty much raised me, they cared more than momma or daddy did. I'm close to them, though, and Kimber. Not so much with my mom's other two kids, though. They don't really know me, I don't see them often." He paused, picking at the hem of his shirt before glancing up at Dallon. "Six years, huh? That's about how much is between me and my oldest sister - out of the original three of us, I'm the youngest but we were all mistakes, there was no planning on how far apart we'd be in age." Shifting a bit, the blonde started to pick at his shirt again, tearing out a a couple of strings and letting them fall to the floor. "They didn't. They died hating the way I dressed and acted, and they berated the guy I was seeing when they were still in the nursing home and all that. It was bullshit. They never realized or apologized, but it was always brushed off as them being old and Catholic, so I needed to respect them and pretty much stay closeted but I couldn't do that," He stopped briefly, thinking. "I think there's a lot of problems because I couldn't properly get closure, I guess. I got, um... Like, a lot of pent up feelings toward them and just my mom's family in general, most of them were the same way." It was more than just feelings - a lot of it was aggression, and he was afraid to be around them because he'd snap and cause a scene, which would only make them dislike him more and that was the last thing he needed. "Oh, there are, I know there are. The main reason that this all started was because when I moved in with daddy, I was overweight and he was disappointed. He wanted me to be skinny and pretty, it was expected of me. So he did lipo on me at fourteen and then said I had to stay on a diet to keep the weight off, so I got on my own diet of sticking my fingers down my throat. I never really thought it was a big deal, it's been normal to me for years." Looking back up, Chris made eye contact with Dallon and turned his hand over so he could take hers and give it a gentle squeeze. "Little stickers, huh? I like those. What if it comes out bad, though?" He frowned. "The other doctors and stuff won't accept it as progress, though. They think it's still bad, and it is, but it's better than being worse. It isn't fair 'cause the ones in the cafeteria won't leave me the fuck alone."
Dallon drew a small star and wrote in his words again. **No attention, not a bit. "I see. That must've been very hard to deal with. I'm sure it was comforting to have your sisters there. Do you have any idea why your parents were so absent? --Are you worried your sister might be put in the same position?" She nodded, taking note of the word *mistakes.* "That's so sad... I pity people who die ignorant and blind... I think one of the most important parts of life is learning to adapt and coexist. It's sad to me when people fail to do that." She nodded and flipped the page, wanting to keep what they were about to come to on its own page. "That's totally understandable. I resent my parents, and I know my sister does, too. It's okay not to love or respect toxic people, no matter what people expect." She nodded, kept her eyes on him as she wrote. **Skinny and pretty **Liposuction 14 **Diet --> bulimia. She offered a smile when he squeezed her hand. "I understand, it was-- what you thought you had to do. But you don't. If the test comes out with a negative result, we'll take action. If you're prone to arrhythmias, we might put in an internal defibrillator. The most obvious course of action for bradycardia would be to increase caloric intake, since your heart is likely slowing down to conserve energy. They might also put in a pacemaker." She nodded. "I get what you're saying. It is bad, but each step that's better than the last is progress. We're going to appreciate whatever you can do."
"They were alcoholics, both of them. They had Sharon straight out of high school and daddy was going to college, so he didn't help much and my mom couldn't deal with it, I guess. I dont know. They shouldn't have had kids but they did, and we all suffered for it. It wasn't fair," They were either being ignored or used as punching bags - it had become normalized to them. "Yeah, I am. My stepmom is just as bad, I've always been the one who takes care of Kimber because nobody else can get their head out of their own ass long enough to do it." It scared him - he knew that if things continued how they were, Kimber would come out of it fucked up just like he had, and that was the last thing he wanted. "Right? Like, this isn't the fifties anymore, older people have to learn to adapt to the new age and deal with how we are, whether they like it or not. Like, damn Barbara, I don't like you being a biblethumber but I'm not gonna smack it out of your hands and be intolerant." It was strange to Chris that religion was the first example he could come up with, considering that his entire family was Catholic, but they seemed to be the most intolerable of them all. He took a sip from his bottle of water, rolling it between his hands slowly. "At the time, I had to. I still have to, I think, or else daddy will hate me. He'll hate me if I ever come home fat because he's worked so hard to make me how I am now, it would all be ruined," That scared him - he didn't want to be rejected by the person he'd always worked so hard to please. "Defibrillator? Is that the thing they use to shock your heart if you're dying? What's a pacemaker?" Chris didn't understand much about medical things, and that was pretty clear - he'd never been educated about such things, even his experience at Glendale was the first time he'd ever gotten a real explanation about what was wrong with him. "I just - wanna be better, yknow? I want custody of Kimber and I can't get that if I'm not better."
"I understand... in that situation, I think it's important to realize that-- they aren't necessarily against you, and there's nothing wrong with you that caused them not to give you the attention you needed. I mean, you love your sisters, and they love you-- it was just poor timing. If you had been born after extensive rehab, I'm sure everything would have been different. You're right, it wasn't fair." Dallon nodded and sighed. "Alright. Then we better get you out of here as soon as possible. What are you willing to do to get her back? We'll start there." She took a few notes on his dad, glancing up occasionally. "You think if you treat yourself with respect and get back to a healthy lifestyle, he'll hate you? Why is that? If he never gave you affection when you were younger-- why would you do this to yourself, for him? What's the motivation? The way I see it, his love should be unconditional. If not... it's not worth having." She nodded. "A defibrillator normalizes the electrical conduction of the heart. Electrical pulses travel from the sinoatrial node to the Bachmann's bundle, then to the atrioventricular node, to the Bundle of His, to the left and right bundle branches and the purkinje fibers at the bottom of your heart, making the atria contract, then the ventricles. The defibrillator fixes any problems in the pattern. A pacemaker is like a fake sinoatrial node, and it makes sure your heart stays on rhythm even when there's not necessarily an arrhythmia that requires a defibrillator. Let me know if you want me to go over any of that again. Then if the cardiologist finds a problem, it'll be easier to understand." She gave a thumbs up, taking note of his desire for custody. "Great. That's what I was hoping you'd say. We're gonna get you better. If you work with me, I promise I'll get you out of here."
"It's just - it seems like they didn't care about us, yknow? They were busy drinking and daddy was in school, so there was never any time for us. It sucked, I didn't have a good childhood. Like, at all. Neither of them ever went to rehab, though, they just kinda drifted apart and that helped things, I guess. They were better after they got divorced." His mother had gotten better - Todd, not so much. His alcoholism never quite went away, and Chris had dealt with it his entire life but ever realized just how much of a problem it was because it had become so normal to him. "God, I'd do anything for her. Anything I had to do - I'm willing to do anything for her." Kimber was the most important person in his life, and not having her was such a struggle for him. It was bad, and he knew it, but he kind of relied on her to preserve his sanity. "I know he'll hate me," He shrugged. "I love him. I just - I want his approval. I crave it, constantly. I'd do anything to make him happy with me, I mean I already do. I just... it isn't unconditional. It should be, but it's not. If I do what he wants me to do then he'll love me and he won't leave me again." That seemed to be the deep rooted cause of a lot of his problems; Chris was afraid that daddy was going to leave him again, and he wasn't sure how he could survive without him. Of course, he'd done it in the past during his phase of running away from home, but that was different. That was his decision to leave - he wasn't the one being left. "That's - a lot. Do those things go inside your body, then?" Chris asked, raising his brows. "Do they hurt? I mean, do thy shock you if your heart starts acting funny or what?"
"I'm sure it did. And it's hard to say whether or not they cared. Sometimes with addictions, it's hard to focus on what previously would've been more important than the substance. Sometimes, people are just not prepared to have kids, and don't connect with them like they should. I'm glad the separation helped. It often does with addicts, considering the aspect of codependence." Dallon flashed a quick thumbs-up. "That's good. So, even when it's hard to work and make progress for yourself, remember that you're also working to make her life better. But it can't always be for her-- it has to be for you, at the end of the day." She sat forward and clasped her hands tightly. "If he'll hate you, you don't need his approval. You can't let him maintain such a place of importance when he doesn't reciprocate it. If you have to hurt yourself to be loved by him, it's a toxic relationship. It's abusive and poisonous and it's okay for you to acknowledge that. And realize that you don't need him. I want to address this completely." She nodded slowly, still processing everything he'd said. "Yes, both would be implanted. I've heard that some people can feel the shock, but don't necessarily say it hurts. Some people don't feel it. The pacemaker will send an electrical signal like the sinoatrial node, a low energy signal. The defibrillator will essentially do the same thing, but is typically used for more serious arrhythmias or for people who frequently experience them or cardiac arrest."
"It just feels like they didn't care because they didn't raise us very much, I guess. I mean, they were around, but it was my nana and pop more than anything. They did a lot for us." Chris shrugged, shifting in his chair so he could pull his feet up, propping them in the chair so his legs folded against his chest. "I don't know what I'd do without her, honestly. She's my best friend and, like, confidant. Maybe that's bad to put pressure like that on a six year old, but she's all I've got, yknow? My older sisters have their own lives, I don't really know momma's other kids, so she's what I have left." He felt kind of guilty for doing that to his sister - but if he wasn't doing it for her, then it was all for nothing. Chris didn't care about himself enough to do anything specifically for himself, it all had to be for Kimber. "He's just - I love him a lot, I don't want him to be disappointed in me. He will be if I do anything different than what he wants, yknow? I feel like he knows what's best for me." All Todd had ever done was put him down, but that didn't change anything. He loved his father too much to change anything. "I just don't want it to shock me and actually hurt, yknow? That's kinda scary. Like Frankenstein or something. It'll be bolts out of my chest instead of my neck or something, that's freaky."
"Maybe at some point they would be able to come in for a family session. And we could talk through all of this, since I can't speak for them." Dallon nodded again. "That's okay to see her as a best friend. You can support each other, to a degree. I think you know what's too much for her to know about right now, but eventually, you can tell her everything. And even if your sisters have lives apart from yours, I know they'd want to help you as much as they can." She sighed heavily, not exactly sure how to address this, even after years of school. The memory of leaving home, now knowing what they'd done to Maddie, made it hard to speak positively regarding poor parents. "I understand that you love him. But you can't hurt yourself for him to love you-- that's horrific and abusive. He doesn't know what's best if this is what he's made you do. You will die if you try to please him like this." She shook her head. "It won't be visible, it's all internal, and you may not feel it. And if you do, it'll likely only be once, and then we'll address the cause of the shock afterwards. I'll see when we can get you in for a cardiac assessment."
"Daddy and my stepmom, maybe, but I don't know that my mom would. I mean, maybe it's worth a shot but I doubt she wants anything to do with me, honestly. She still doesn't care enough to do anything for me." Chris shrugged, rubbing his hands across his face and letting out a heavy breath. "Yeah, I don't wanna overwhelm her or anything - she doesn't deserve that. I want her to have a good childhood but I also want her to have a realistic view of things, yknow? I tell her things that'll make her grow up stronger because she'll know things that other kid's would never hear from their parents," He hummed. "Sharon and Ella, I know they love me and care about me, but they've done their time taking care of me. They did it when we were younger, they don't want the responsibility anymore." He almost felt guilty even bringing his sisters into this, but he knew that it would help if he talked to them eventually. "I've just... always been used to it, doing what he wanted so he'd be happy," The blonde started slowly, almost as if he was explaining to himself as well. "I, uh - I don't want him to leave me anymore and that's kept me in the habit of doing what he wants even if it isn't good for me." Chris knew that what he did was bad for him, but that didn't mean he was going to stop. "Will it be,'like, surgery to put it in, then? I've had a lot of those, like, lots. As long as I get pain medicine and stuff."
"We could invite everyone, and if only some attend, that's okay. I think it would be good for everyone to vocalize their feelings. Your sisters, too. You didn't get into this situation by yourself." Dallon raised her eyebrows slightly. "Supporting your family isn't something you do to get it over with. Their 'time' should never really stop-- you'll be prepared to be there for Kimber even when she's a grown woman, won't you? Because you love her. And I'm sure they feel the same about you, and wouldn't want you to think they see you as a burden. They don't have to drop everything and become surrogates-- they'll know what to do if you just let them help you out. Even if it's just a little, I'm sure they'd be happy to do it." She shook her head slowly at his broken reasoning. "If you pushing yourself to the brink of death to look a certain way makes him happy, what does that say about him? We need to address this immediately, but-- I dunno if we have time to focus on it now, someone else will be in soon. I'll make a note, so whoever sees you next will hopefully spend more time on his role in your life." She quickly typed it into his file with one hand, nodding as she listened to him as well. "Yeah--" She finished typing before looking back at him. "If they decide you need one, they'll insert it surgically. Under anesthesia, don't worry."
"I don't want my mom's husband or her two kids here, though. That's my condition - deal?" Chris wasn't close to his twin half-sisters, hell, he barely knew them, and he'd always had a bad feeling about his mother's husband, so he didn't really want anything to do with him either. "I just - I feel like I should be better by now. They worked so hard to try and help me, especially when we were in middle school and high school and I... I don't know, I feel like maybe I've let them down because I'm not better. I'm not fixed or normal or anything and it isn't fair to them because they invested time in me," He took a deep breath. "I'll always be there for Kimber, no matter what, of course. I want her to have a good life, I wanna help her have that." Chris cut himself off almost abruptly - if he kept going into the subject he was going to cry, and that was the last thing he wanted right now. "I - I don't think I wanna talk about any of this anymore, not right now," He said finally, rubbing his hands across his face and keeping them there for a moment, letting out a shaky breath before dropping them back into his lap. "Good - yeah, good, anesthesia," He murmured, giving a brief nod. "Thank you, uh - thanks, yeah. Thanks for letting me talk."
"Alright. If they haven't really been a part of your life, it might not be worth them coming, so I won't try to force that. I'll see about contacting the rest of your family, though." Dallon thought about his words, then laced her hands together. "A person-- especially your family-- is not like a business, or a share in the stock market. You don't invest in them and get frustrated when it doesn't 'pay off' quickly. You keep investing, because you love them, and if they're willing to invest in themselves, you'll see good come of it, no matter how long it takes, and it's worth it. And you are willing to invest in yourself, you've shown me that. So don't worry about them being impatient-- just show them that you're doing your best and it'll be enough for them." She nodded at his next words. "You have to believe that your sisters care as much for you as you do for her." She made sure to note which family he wanted present in case of a session. "Alright. We can finish up for today." She smiled and extended her hand across the desk. "Of course. Thanks for talking to me. It goes both ways."
Chris hated to exclude some of his family, but he didn't consider himself to be close to them. After all, he was the one that had been excluded for all those years when his mother remarried. She'd wanted nothing to do with him, and didn't want him around her children. It hurt, but he was such a people-pleaser that he wouldn't try to fight it. "It's just that it's been so long and it seems like nothing has really changed, I guess," Chris said simply, not wanting to drag the conversation out any longer. "I think they do - I hope they do, I mean." He shrugged, sitting up and reaching out as he stretched a bit before taking her hand, giving a gentle squeeze as he shook it. "Thank you. Have a, uh - like, good rest of your day and stuff, man."
"Alright. If you think of a deeper impact they've had on you, let me know-- just so we can talk about it, if nothing else." Dallon hoped his sisters would be more present, that they'd show him the love she felt for her own sister-- he deserved that much from them. "You don't have to correct yourself. I'm glad you can say you have some faith in them." She smiled and stood up slowly as they shook hands. "No problem. You, too."
Chris nodded, pushing himself up from his seat slowly. After all of this, he felt like he was somewhat strung out - like his emotions were out of whack. Some part of him felt numb and confused, but that wasn't something he felt like bringing up now. "If I think of anything or whatever, I'll be sure to let you know. Thanks, lady," He shoved his hands into his pockets. "I'll, uh - see ya soon or whatever." The blonde pushed his chair up to the desk and turned quickly, shuffling out the door and shutting it behind him before heading down the hall back to his room.