On how to find your way home | Seth x OC | Post breaking Dawn | Fifth Chapter
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FIVE
“If I choose you, you are going to be rotten tomorrow evening when I need you. But if I choose you” – I say picking up the second of the only three avocados in the store – “you’re going to be unripe tomorrow, so useless.” I sigh, curling my lips and then biting my bottom lip while thinking about which of them to choose.
“Don’t make me start with you, sir”, I keep going, talking to the third avocado.
I hear a slight cough next to me.
“Do you always speak to your vegetables or you’re just going insane?” Seth asks, looking at me with curiosity and then laughing out loud.
“Upsie”, I can feel my cheeks becoming hotter for the embarrassment. “I swear, it only happens with avocados, they tend to destroy my meal plans every time I buy them!” I try to justify myself, grinning at him and rolling my eyes.
“It happened with the lemons too, though”, he mockingly replies.
It has been an hour since Seth took me to this giant grocery shop just outside Forks, and the only things I have in my shopping basket are almond milk, greek yoghurt and lemons indeed. He is patiently following me through the aisles and listening to me talking to myself or the food and laughing from time to time because of what I say.
I wasn’t expecting to find him on my front porch this morning. I don’t know why but a part of me was happy to see him and be with him, and another part was almost relieved; and then, when he offered to take me to the grocery shop, both parts of me were enthusiastic.
“I think I am going to stick with the unripe one”, I say, picking the avocado up and then immediately put it again in his place. “Or maybe not…”, I continue picking up the first one, again.
“Oh, damn, choose one Cordelia”, I finally say picking again the unripe avocado.
Seth shakes his head, chuckling and then follows me while I start walking through the aisles one more time.
“How can you spend so much time here? Don’t you get bored or something? I usually hate it.”
He says, helping me picking some packages of pasta from the top shelf, obviously too high for me.
At those words, I freeze, thinking that maybe he showed up to my house just to ask me something quickly and go straight away. Guilty feelings start taking control of my stomach and without any logical reason, I kind of feel bad because of his words. Am I bothering him? Or worse, annoying him?
“I am-I am sorry. You could have said it. I…”, it is just a whisper, said while lowering my head, but I think he heard it because I see him freezing too, his arm still up with the packages of pasta in his hands. He looks at me, frowning his eyebrows, and then he realizes. His eyes widen and he opens his mouth to speak but he can’t say anything at the beginning.
“Wait… NO! That’s not what I meant. I am not… Take all the time you need; I don’t hate it!” He says vehemently, never looking away; his eyes stuck in mine, dark brown into caramel.
I see him blushing, or at least I think so, it’s slightly hard to say considering his russet skin, a bit darker than mine. Anyway, he looks so cute.
“No, but seriously. If you have to go, don’t worry. I can call Jake or Rachel, or even Paul to pick me up”.
“I took you here, Cordelia, and I am the one who’s going to bring you home.” He says as we start walking again. “It’s that…”, he rolls his eyes, a little embarrassed, “every time I come with mom or Leah or they send me here alone, I can never pick the junk food I want. I have to buy all this healthy stuff they’re obsessed with…” he finishes the sentence jokingly miming a repelled expression.
I sigh, shaking my head and grinning.
“Yeah but… today, you’re here with me…” I say, signalling him to follow me with my free hand, and I guide him to the junk food aisle.
“And you can pick whatever you want. Really…anything”, I continue, stopping him at the beginning of the aisle and moving my free arm gesturing a grand entrance.
He looks at me, confusion in those big eyes. I huff, moving ahead and stopping near the chips’ shelves. Then, with a single movement of my arm, I make a lot of random chips bags fall from the shelf directly into the basket. I look at him again with a knowing smile. He finally realizes what I mean.
“No. No, come on. I can’t take advantage of you”, he immediately replies, earning an angry look from me. I cluck my tongue in disapproval and then I huff again.
“Please. It’s the least I can do after this. You’re wasting your time here with me even though you don’t like it!”
“It’s… I didn’t mean that”.
“Whatever you meant; I don’t care. Chose anything you want. And If you feel guilty about taking these things home with you, we could always eat them together at my place”. I say naively, smiling at him.
Talking to Seth in this way is so easy, as it is to be around him. It almost feels like we have known each other since always and not just three days ago.
I see a smirk appearing on his face.
“In this case, I think I am headed to the ice cream aisle”, he replies, raising his eyebrows slyly.
“Coming right away with ya! I need to reload my stock of peanut butter and salted caramel Häagen-Dazs”.
We both laugh as we start walking again. I swear I have never been so light-hearted as I am right now next to him. I have not stopped smiling since he showed up and I am glad he did. These last few days have been so difficult and lonely, and I needed to get out of the house for some fresh air and good company. And Seth’s company is the best I can get right now. If only I could freeze this moment forever and keep smiling like this, with him, for the days to come. If only I could avoid seeing what my eyes are seeing right now. If only one day of my life could be easy and completely happy.
Did I believe for a second that my life could be this good? Did I really believe that my past would have stayed in the past? That it wouldn’t hurt anymore?
What a fool. I never learn.
At that view, my legs stop moving and I feel my heart pounding in my chest like a hammer. My father is here, in this same shop, at this same hour, in this same aisle. And he is not alone. A boy around Seth’s age is with him, laughing at his words, choosing with him what ice cream to pick.
“Hey, Embry! Mr Call!”
And it seems that Seth knows them. Seth knows my father. Seth knows my father and apparently, he is friend with his son.
What I would give to run away in this exact moment, to go back to New York, hug my mother and cry like a baby. The idea to move here seems so stupid right now. I knew one day I had to meet him; it would have been impossible not to meet each other in this little town but I wasn’t expecting to see him so soon.
And I wasn’t expecting to see him happy with his son, either.
Jealousy. It’s all I can feel. He abandoned me, he called me a mistake, but he decided to raise the son born from an adulterous affair and marry the woman with whom he cheated on my mom. He chose to abandon me to raise another human being.
I see Seth getting near them and talk to them like it is nothing, like he does not know what happened.
Because he really doesn’t. Remember, just a few people know actually.
I keep staring at them, my mouth half opened and my eyes watery. I cannot afford to cry here, right now, not in front of him. I will never give him the satisfaction to see me hurt or in pain.
I am furious, so much that I start shaking a bit.
“Sue is making you do the grocery shop, kiddo?” Archibald Call says, patting one of Seth’s big and muscled shoulders. The latter smiles bashfully and starts scratching the back of his neck with one hand.
“Actually, I am here with Co…” He looks next to himself and does not find me.
I quickly lower my head towards the refrigerator compartment pretending to look at the food.
“Oh, there she is! Cordelia, come here!” He shouts at me.
I pretend again to be a little disoriented, looking around to search for Seth. But I know exactly where he is.
All three of them are now staring at me, waiting for me to move or say something. Smiling, I reach Seth’s side and look at my father right in his eyes. The tension among us is so thick that it could be cut with a knife. The same knife I would use to cut off that sarcastic and repellant smile from my father’s face. I have never understood why he keeps treating me like this, like I am not good enough to live on this Earth.
I get closer to Seth until our elbows touch, hoping that this little physical contact can help me not having a mental breakdown in the ice cream aisle.
“Cordelia Black”. The way he pronounces my name makes me shiver in disgust. The only revenge I have had in the past was changing my surname. Years ago, I didn’t like the idea to have the surname of a person who hated me, who verbally abused me, who asked my mother to abort before it was too late; so, I decided to change it with my mother’s one. If on my birth certificate it is said that I do not have a father, why keeping his stupid surname? I wanted to cut off every legal and emotional connection I had with him. I was born a Black and I will stay a Black until death. Instead of revenge though, I did him a favour. He was patiently waiting for that moment to finally express what he really felt about me: I wasn’t his daughter; I have never been, and I will never be. I remember every second of that conversation in court and I also remember the exact moment in which my heart broke in so many pieces that it is still impossible to assemble them again, even after so many years. Uncle Billy almost hit him in his face after what he said, and my mother was so furious that Rachel had to block her to not let her run towards Archibald and kill him.
How could someone say something like that to his daughter? To his own flesh and blood?
It took me hundreds of hours sitting in my therapist’s studio to get over it, and sometimes his cruel words still haunt my dreams and echo in my mind.
“Do you already know each other?” Seth asks visibly surprised, looking suspiciously at Archibald’s son.
“Yes, Seth. I already know who Mr Call is”, I reply tenderly smiling at him and gently putting my hand on his elbow.
“But I think you have never met my son, Embry”, Archibald provocatively says to me. Sometimes I just think he is the teenage between us and I am the responsible adult. I immediately look at Embry, who seems similar to Seth: kind of same height, same strong native traits, even though Seth has wider shoulders and he is more gangly than Embry. There is no comparison at all, though, Seth wins the match and the entire game.
“It’s nice to meet you… finally”. It’s all I have to say to him. I try to keep my smile while saying those words even though all I want now is to become invisible and run away as far as my legs can take me.
“Nice to meet you too”. He mumbles without looking at me, not even for a second.
I cannot express in words how much it hurts to finally meet someone who stole my family and my childhood. For many years I thought it was all his fault. If he hadn’t been born maybe I would have had a real father, maybe Archibald would have loved me… maybe I could have stayed in La Push and not move. But in the end, after nights spent crying and days spent under my sheets or in my therapist’s office, I understood that his absence wouldn’t have changed anything. Archibald Call did not want another child at that time, he did not want me, he specifically did not want a child with my mother even if he was married to her. I was a mistake; I knew it when I was only a child and I still know it now. How am I supposed to forget it if it’s the first thing I remember about my childhood?
I gulp, starting to get uncomfortable but never stop smiling. I will never let him win this. In the most natural and tender way, Seth protectively puts his arm around my waist, never touching me. I get slightly stiff and turn my head in his direction. What I see are deep and sweet dark brown eyes that reassuringly look at me, and what I feel is an overwhelming calming sensation: Seth is the best person I could have at my side in a situation like this.
“I think we should go back to our shopping, Coco”, he says still looking and smiling at me. I am a little surprised about that nickname. I have never allowed anyone to use a nickname with me, I love my first name too much to let someone ruin it. However, there is something in the sweet and tender tone he has used that makes me want to listen to him calling me like that over and over again. The way he has marked the first “c” and the ease with which he has used the name makes me almost like it. At these thoughts, I blush again, and I try to lower my face to hide it, but I cannot stop a little smirk to appear on my face.
Seth turns his head back to Archibald and Embry.
“Always a pleasure to meet you Mr Call”, he greets. “See you at Emily’s, Em!”
I am not the only one to notice that his tone changes when he addresses his friend. It’s not as much friendly as before, but not cold either.
“The pleasure is mine. Goodbye Seth. Goodbye Miss Black”. Archibald replies, gesturing Embry to follow him while he starts walking.
“Goodbye Mr Call”, I say before he gets too far.
Embry does not answer, he just lowers his head and follows his father.
I hear Seth sighing and taking a deep breath, his arm still around my waist.
“Thank you” I breathe, looking at him with an int of shame in my eyes. I don’t know if he has understood what just happened. He is worried, I can see it all over his face, but he is trying to cover it. Too late, Seth.
What I didn’t know moments before and what I will learn in the years to come is that Seth Clearwater has the ability to make the light shine even in the darkest place on earth. He can make you smile even in your darkest days, without asking nothing in return. And I will never thank him enough for this.
He shakes his head and one of the brightest smiles I have ever seen appears on his adorable face.
“Let’s hurry, we have plans for this afternoon”.
We start walking again through the aisles, his arm never leaving my waist, his eyes never leaving my figure. He keeps talking to me like nothing ever happened, he is trying his best to make me smile and laugh again and it is working, because in just ten minutes all those negative thoughts and emotions disappear from my mind. Seth can handle and cure my traumas much more than my therapist can.
It’s still raining when we get out of the grocery shop and go back to my grandparents’ house, full of food. Seth stops his car in my driveway and comes to open my door before going to the back and take all the bags, under the pouring rain.
I immediately get off the car and open the umbrella, hurrying to the back of the car to cover him.
“Let me help you, these are too many for one person!” I say, while he still manages to close the hood of the car despite all the paper bags.
“Nah, no worries”, he replies as we head towards the front porch. I quickly close my umbrella, leaving it outside, open the door and let him enter first.
“Kitchen is down the hallway”, I inform him, guiding him there.
He places all the bags on the dining table and only at this moment I realize that maybe I bought too many things. “I can feed the entire tribe for a month at least.”
Seth laughs, taking off his jacket and so do I. “Can I take it?” I ask. He nods and gives it to me. I go back to the entrance and hang both jackets in a little small closet, then I rapidly come back to the kitchen where I find him taking out all the groceries from the bags.
“Stop there! You have already done too much today!” I tell him, gently blocking his hands with mine. A sudden dizzy feeling makes my stomach turn, hundreds of butterflies flying around when our eyes meet. I haven’t realized that I am too close to him and our faces are an inch away from each other’s’.
I can sense a strange heat coming from his body, which does nothing but increasing the heat my body is generating for the proximity of our faces. Despite the embarrassment and the visible pinkish colour my cheeks are taking on, I can’t take my eyes off him, like the first night we met. And it seems that the same thing is happening to him.
Then he coughs and looks away, shyly. How can a guy so tall, muscled and a bit hunky be so shy and have such doe puppy eyes? I wonder.
“Mh… What about a movie while we binge-eat all this junk food?”, I ask a little embarrassed. Only now I am realizing that I practically invited him to spend time with me, alone, in my own house.
Is this an indirect date? Oh no.
Seth nods at my question.
“Out in the hallway, on the right, there is a room with a yellow armchair. I have every subscription ever on the tv, just pick whatever you like”, I continue, encouraging him.
“Sure you want me to choose?” he replies grinning. “I am really into splatter things”. He continues, talking more to himself than to me as he heads to the library room.
“WOAH”, he shouts out loud. “Never seen so many books in the same place!”
“It’s called a library. Never seen one?” I joke, replying from the kitchen while hurrying to put the groceries in the fridge and in the kitchen cabinets.
“Of course, I know what a library is, Coco!” He replies annoyed and sighs loudly, “I meant…Never seen so many books in the same room!”
“Never went to a bookstore before?” I try not to laugh, and I stick out my tongue a little bit.
I hear Seth huffing again, this time exasperated.
“Not funny, and you have a problem with all these books”, is his only reply. Then, he turns on the tv and starts zapping through the streaming platforms.
In the meantime, I am preparing our healthy meal: peanut butter ice cream with meringues and a little bit of melted chocolate for me, lemon and cream ice cream with shortbread chunks for Seth, flaming’ hot Cheetos, spicy sweet chilli Doritos and so many other things that I cannot even tell. Just looking at this stuff is making me gain 20 pounds.
When I am ready, I reach Seth in the library room and put all the stuff on the coffee table in front of the tv, which hangs on the fireplace. He looks at them in a childish enthusiastic way.
“Oh, I am in heaven!” He exclaims before grabbing his bowl. “Thank you”, he slurs, while chomping on a huge spoon of ice cream.
I laugh seeing him eating it so ferociously. “Did you choose anything?” I take my bowl too and start eating my ice cream, in a normal and human way.
He nods again, never looking away from his food.
“How much do you like Star Wars?” He asks me while taking another huge spoon of ice cream.
“Never seen it”, I reply with absolute naturalness. He almost chokes.
“I am sorry, what did you say?” he looks at me like I’m some sort of alien or something.
“That I have never seen Star Wars…?” My tone is suspicious. I can’t even finish my sentence that he throws me a look of disappointment. He then shakes his head in disapproval and points a finger at me.
“We have to fix this, right now”, he says while putting on a movie. “You are going to love it, trust me”, he continues, pressing the play button on Star Wars Episode IV – A New Hope.
I look at him while I keep eating my ice cream, a little bit surprised but delighted to see him so excited about a movie. I cannot help but smile while looking at him talking so animatedly and enthusiastic about the plot and the characters. I don’t hear a single word, though, too busy observing how bright his eyes are when he speaks about something he likes, how passionate he is about it and how he is comfortably leaning on my couch like he is used to it, like he has done this many times before.
Again, I have this strange feeling about him, to have known him since always. The butterflies in my stomach are hitting hard now, and I let myself be overwhelmed by that dizziness, enchanted by the sight of that gangly boy talking so fervently about a stupid movie while eating ice cream.
