where: on the streets of Diagon Alley
who: Bertram Aubrey and Severus Snape ( @snapeinsmoke )
Working almost nonstop during March left Bertram's throat worse from wear. Some days he found himself not speaking at all, leaving him with a lot of frustration, as he was unable to say the simplest things to Dirk. Hopefully, he found it amusing. Dirk tried supplying him with potions that could help but Bertram found himself needing more. And he didn't want to bother Dirk anymore. If he made any more potions, Bertram wouldn't be able to help himself from feeling that he needs to start paying Dirk and he didn't want that.
So he did any sensible person without a boyfriend who's proficient in Potions would do and visit the nearest apothecary. He was just a few blocks away when he bumped into a familiar face. Severus Snape. Having no knowledge of his job as a potioneer for the Ministry or that he's applying for a place in Hogwarts, Bertram just assumed that he came from the place where Bertram was going. "Snape!" he called out. "I didn't know you work at the apothecary."
They’d been talking about getting a cat for ages, but on one of her rare days off Lily decided it was finally time to make their way to the humane society and adopt. She’s excited for a cat and for all the fun adventures they’ll have. She’s always wanted an animal, but her parents had never allowed for it because of her dad’s allergies.
“Sev, you ready?” She calls out, waiting patiently in front of his door.
Lily was late for the party, having gotten distracted when she’d seen Dorcas by the Forest. However, that unplanned excursion had gotten her some unicorn hair, that would be of use in potions for the Order. All in all, if Slughorn wasn’t too mad at her, she’d consider it a win. And it was unlikely he’d hold her tardiness against her, when she’d finally managed to attend one of his parties - this the first time she’d made it since graduating.
Taking in the party room, Lily felt a rush of nostalgia. It looked no different than when she’d been a student here. Slughorn himself was commanding the attention of a large group, which she noted with a smile. Nothing seemed to change at Hogwarts. She was about to approach the group when she thought Sluggy might appreciate a gift of some of the unicorn hair. After all, she'd found quite enough to spare. Rummaging in her bag, she stopped to lean against the wall in the corner of the room.
“What if we added something to make the lacewings stew faster. Make it take less than a month to brew,” Kieren suggested, gesturing to a point on the page. When he didn’t receive a response he looked up from the copy of Moste Potente Potions at Severus, “What are you looking at?” He asked, glancing over his shoulder, trying to see what was distracting his friend.
It had been a stressful couple of days. With the attack on the ministry everyone and everything had been going crazy around Marlene. BenjyGram was a mess and although she usually never shied away from a fight, even for Marlene this was sometimes too much. The public was distraught and confused and no one seemed to really know what had happened, with so many rumors flying around. Marlene had had enough of it. BenjyGram was her life and she loved it, but it was at times like these when all she wanted to do was throw her phone against the wall and never have a look at it again. The hate that just came out in people and drove them to write disdainful things on Social Media was something she couldn’t understand. Sure, she’d given out plenty of insults herself in a comment section, but always within reason (at least so she thought) and never just for the sake of hatred.
But of course, she couldn’t just quit BenjyGram now. It was still her job, her mission. Nevertheless, she needed a day off. So instead, Marlene turned her phone off and left her flat with only her camera, her wand and some money in her pockets. She knew by 6pm she’d be back on her phone anyway, but now she had all day to herself, just taking pictures of London in the bleak light of February and trying to blend out all the horrors of the world, even if just for a couple of hours. She’d been out and about for nearly four hours, when her stomach started rumbling and she looked around for a place to get something to eat. Nothing decent seemed to around though and so, for the simplicity of it all, Marlene just got out her wand and apparated to the Leaky Cauldron instead. Might as well eat somewhere familiar. The place was relatively empty and so Marlene had no qualms when she jus walked up to the bar to order before she found herself a table to sit at and look through the photos she’d taken so far.
Alice was still feeling pretty mad. It had been nearly a week but that anger was still simmering. The thoughts still confused her a little if she was honest. Whilst she hadn’t really spoken to any of that side of her family, but the thought of someone wanting to hurt that family, it didn’t sit right with Alice. She might have been disowned by the Rosier’s, but they were still her family. They might not like her, but she was now realising that those feelings of love and protection wouldn’t go on her side.
Frank was lovely, but really didn’t understand.It was why she had owled Severus early in the day, inviting him for tea later that day. Whilst she hadn’t grown up with Severus they both had experience with being cut off from their families. If there was anyone that would understand it would be him.
Frank was at work late. Again. But Alice was sat in the play room, playing with Neville as she awaited her cousins arrival.
where: Ministry Masquerade Ball
when: August 27th
who: Fabian Prewett and Severus Snape
Fabian was just on time for the ball. And by on time, it meant that he got to the venue 30 minutes before the indicated time printed on the invitation and he even got to help set up the registration booth. Early is on time, on time is late, late is unacceptable - his father used to say. Ever since his arrival, he looked for ways here and there to extend some help until the Aurors actually told him to stop and enjoy the ball.
It was a great distraction. He felt useful in an otherwise boring event which he could have gone without attending in the first place. Tonight was slow, even for an introverted guy like Fabian. He didn’t even have anyone to talk to. His friends were nowhere to be found and he didn’t even know if his own twin brother was coming. Having nothing to do, he spent his idle time by the food table, snacking on the shrimp. By the time he felt his stomach churning, it was too late. He had already eaten too much shrimp.
Fabian ran towards the loo, cutting in line for one of the stalls. He managed to say a quick and panicked “Sorry,” before locking himself inside. The complaints from the people in line got drowned out by the sound of him hurling. That or everyone dispersed, not wanting to use the toilet that some guy just vomited on, Fabian wasn’t sure. What he was sure of was that he will be in there for a long time.
Severus no longer associated himself with the hellish name which his father had insisted upon during the earliest moments of his birth. When his mother, Eileen, was feverishly arguing, only to receive a hounding of insults from the alcohol-ridden breath of her muggle spouse as he spewed obscenities, and refused to see logic in any other name choice which the witch might have taken an interest in. The name, which previously plagued a young boy with a social stigma and isolation from others, now would be quite welcome. However, in its place, Severus was often called the Greasy-Haired Git by many Gryffindors, and he found himself incapable of associating with any other identity. The derogatory nickname had integrated itself into the darkest chambers of his heart, and Severus failed to recognize the sunshine that only one entity had brought to him months ago. Of course, he had been too callous to recapture her light through genuine apology, and instead avoided Lily in fear of reopening the walls that guarded his seemingly irreversibly damaged heart.
At the time in the afternoon, Severus sifted through a multitude of Hogwarts students, smelling Butterbeer on the breaths of many, hearing what he assumed to be obnoxious laughter from those adorned in red and gold. Soon after, the sound was replaced with that of surprised shrieks, followed by hard clapping, and proceeded then by insistent cheering, derived with the intention to embarrass or to honor, but such intentions were difficult to distinguish. Though Severus often found little interest in seeking out what his lesser students determined to be enjoyable, he rationalized that he had nothing to lose by investigating, and thereby nothing else to accomplish in his time. That was when he saw it.
The arrogant and malevolent, though the word choice was strong, Severus had closed his mind to the possibility of ever finding a morsel of dignity in the young man, James Potter with his arms around Lily Evans’ waist. At first, the sight stunned him so much so that Severus found himself glancing around frantically, certain that someone had struck him with a spell to freeze his movements and to tear apart his soul. As the raven orbs searched, Severus began to realize that all wands were out of sight and in robe pockets. No one could have struck him so suddenly, and certainly not without his detection. Pain and jealousy tore across his chest like a wildfire, burning his organs, and rendering them dysfunctional, as he gasped for the breath which he would not find. James Potter! Lazy… Arrogant.. Weak. He could not fathom the reasoning behind the pairing, the male devoid of actual care for her, a prankster, unaware of Lily’s background, all that she had been through, all that she would experiment…. And the female… A gulp proceeded to exit the dark-haired Slytherin’s lips and glittering tears filled his eyes. The female. Her hair bright red, the curtains of color falling smoothly beneath her shoulders, the bright smile dancing upon her pink lips, the sparkling nature of the emeralds in her eyes.. The light in the darkness, the personality in the void of all expression… Once Severus managed to gain the ability to move his iron legs, long since the two had been passing through the joyous crowd, Severus rushed in the direction in which they had travelled. He must have run for ten minutes before reaching the corner of the station where Lily stood. The conversation was fleeting as James exchanged parting words with Lily, the conversation of little interest to Severus as selfishness bestowed him. After several moments of uncertainty and sadness welling up inside of his body, Severus nodded to himself, and awkwardly emerged from the metaphorical shadows, ambling idly towards Lily, moving until he came to be approximately a foot away from the woman. Surprise filled the doe-eyes, and the sight struck Severus with a familiar guilt that occupied his mind ever since he had harmed her. He began in a tight and regretful voice, acknowledging that she was headed towards her own compartment, opening the black orbs to display the sadness that had collected there, a weakness which only the woman before him could see, and was otherwise concealed from the rest of the population.
Nothing about this train ride had gone so far the way Lily expected it to. All she had planned on was a quiet ride with Marlene and Mary, catching up with friends she hadn’t seen all summer, and dealing with the prefects. She hadn’t counted on meeting, and adoring, Charlus Potter, on voluntarily holding James Potter’s hand, on being kissed by that boy and not hexing him into next week, on taking care of him and settling in with he and Sirius. From one moment to the next she was doing things she wouldn’t have imagined herself doing in a million years and more than that, she enjoyed all of it. For all the bad that put her in these situations, she found she enjoyed being in them.
The trip wasn’t over, though, and apparently neither were the surprises. She sat with James and Sirius for some time before Sirius went off on his own. Only after that did Lily - to avoid her own thoughts and feelings on the matter - excuse herself to go find Mary. She hadn’t gone far from the compartment when another student caught her off guard, much the way James had. Surprise filled her eyes once again but this was a very different kind of surprise.
She hadn’t spoken to Severus in months, and he had given her the same treatment. Friends who had been inseparable once, she avoided him now. When he wasn’t cornering her in train cars, that is. The surprise quickly gave way to a cold hardness, hurt and anger that never faded filling her mind. “Snape,” she offered back, her greeting far less emotional and far less open than his had been.
Among other students who did not adorn the red hair and the eccentric eyes; those who did not spend hours of childhood time dressing themselves in daffodils of the meadow and gazing at the soothing image of clouds; those who were not Lily Evans, Severus was a frightening figure of dark magic and mystery. Mysterious people are often avoided, considering what little could be recalled about them, and this stereotype suited Severus in a complementary way, the fitting of two fateful puzzle pieces, and the inevitable parting of lips in an effort to speak. He was regarded with hatred, and though shrugged off with indifference, was often feared because he was unknown. But not to Lily. To Lily, he had once been a dear and loving friend, someone whom she could confide in, and someone whom she had loved, and shared the deepest parts of herself with. Now, Severus was a bully; someone who had betrayed her and deserved the sarcasm and lack of care with which she spoke to him then. In that moment, upon hearing Lily’s referral to him as “Snape,” Severus felt the vague confidence that had occupied his being deflate. All of the hopeful daydreams which he conjured up during classes; all of the heavenly unconscious dreams of holding her once more, and smelling the natural scent of strawberry betwixt in her reddish locks, all seemed to dissipate into the striking reality which gripped him each time that those fantasies were interrupted with terrible realities. The hurt did not show in the raven eyes, for Severus did not deserve to display pain to a woman whom he had hurt more than anyone else. Instead, Severus swallowed the tears, and reasserted in a plain, yet caring, voice, “Lily…” He could not manage to speak what was to come.
For months, Severus had imagined this moment proceeding much smoother. There would be bumpiness in the impeding road, but he was determined, ambitious and cunning in his Slytherin inheritance, to compensate for all of the hurt which he had caused his beloved Lily. “I came here to apologize,” he said numbly, feeling as if he would only receive back cutting words, which he would deserve every moment of. “Each night, I spend tucked away in my compartment, hating myself for what I have done,” he muttered, dark orbs trailing the floor as the white knuckles clenched in absolute and overpowering self-hatred and anger for what he had done. The only relationship worth preserving which he had selfishly and horribly thrown away to spend time with a crowd that did not care for him, and only manipulated his brain to benefit their own parasitic needs. Severus acknowledged this, still captivated by the topic, but no longer the people, and seething with doubt for his choice of path, willing to abandon it should it benefit Lily’s safety. “Having nightmarish images attack me for my idiocy,” Severus continued, the remorse beginning to shine through from his deep and reverberating voice. “I don’t deserve reconciliation,” Severus told Lily, finally raising the dark eyes to meet the gaze of the light ones. “But I needed to apologize. To tell you that I am suffering as I deserve to, and that I will continue to until I can justify the wrongs which I have transcribed.” Severus sought light in the emerald eyes, unsure of what he might see after his speech, which would have been peculiar had there been onlookers, considering that Severus never uttered a phrase in the presence of others. “The name I called you,” Severus told her, shuddering at the memory of that wretched term! “I never meant it- I should not have said it.” He paused before adding finally, “I am sorry, Lily. Humbly so. I cannot and will not forgive myself for this.”
Lily had wanted to hear these words for months now, ever since the fateful day in fifth year when he’d destroyed their entire relationship in the course of five minutes. She had laid in her bed with tears in her eyes for weeks upon months wishing that something would change an that she could have her friend back. So many times she had seen him in the hall during sixth year and had wanted to go to him, to tell him she forgave him and just wanted to be Severus and Lily again, the way it always had been. She might have, too, if Marlene hadn’t kept a sharp eye on her in those weeks, if Alice hadn’t let her talk ad nauseam about it and analyzed every pro and con of that choice. And so she never did and as the months went by, neither did he.
She still couldn’t believe it had been over a year since she and Sev had spoken. Couldn’t believe she’d actually survived a year without him. When it had all first happened, she hadn’t thought she could. But the days passed and she survived and now it was seventh year.
And Severus only now had finally apologized.
"You’re sorry now?" she asked, unable to keep the boiling anger from showing in her voice. "It’s been over a year and now you suddenly realize how awful you were?" She wished she could explain what that did to her, the level of hurt he had caused and was now causing again. "Do you really expect me to tell you I forgive you. That it’s all alright now because you’ve come to your senses and said you’re sorry? Because if that’s what you’re waiting for, you mightn’t get your hopes up."
"I was always sorry," Severus told her in the softest of voices, one that he had not used in ample amount of time, considering the year that the two had spent apart. And despite the hundreds of days that had passed without a word, not a single one of those time frames passed without Severus thinking of Lily; drowning himself in tears of loneliness and regret; and even once considering turning a blade on his wrist as many muggles seemed to do in times of desolation. Severus was comforted only by memories now, but even those slippery fragments of his mind managed to wield themselves as double-edged swords. They cut him, tore him open, and painfully reminded him of what he had lost. More importantly, he had damaged the kindest and most beautiful girl in the world. "I hurt the kindest and most beautiful girl in the world," he told Lily, echoing his thoughts as he spoke, maintaining a firm but compassionate gaze between the two magical beings, never once looking down at the ground. No longer would Severus hide behind the thick corridors of Hogwarts and try to forget what he had done. It was time to receive his sentence as he should have done a year ago. "I do not expect your forgiveness, Lily." The words felt like oil, sticking to his throat, and he suspected that he could not withhold the tears any longer. "I cannot fathom what I caused you; all of the pain and the countless nights of crying. I was a fool." The black eyes misted as he told her more quietly, "I am a fool." He knew not how to continue. A double-edged sword rose to the front of his brain as Severus realized that even with forgiveness, he stood not a chance in Lily’s life. Potter was there. Potter never failed to accomplish his goals, and if Lily was his next target… The idea intensified the sadness in Severus’ chest as it contracted and tightened, forcing him to take an unnaturally large breath.
How could Severus phrase all that he had been dying to say for a year? He would not victimize himself, for he was at fault, and entirely willing to accept the consequences of his actions. How could he tell her how deeply he had loved her? How deeply he still did? He deeply he /always/ would? That despite all of the time apart and his monstrous activities, that he still wanted her by his side, as she had always been? That although he had taken a wrong path and made a terrible mistake, that he would fix all of that to be with her once more? To reclaim his position in her life? Defeat culminated in his chest. Severus was no wordsmith, but he would try his hardest for Lily. “You deserve an explanation,” he began, heaving a sigh of inner hatred. “I do not know what prompted me to call you that name a year ago… I was foolish. Your blood status mattered not to me then, nor does it now.” The dark eyes trailed across the green ones as he searched for her emotions, sifting through all that she had presented, and there was a multitude of them. “I did not contact you out of self-demolition, an illogical excuse, for I feared that I could not make things right. Time has only worsened that statistic. I spent every night hating myself for what I had done. I deserve all of the pain which I contracted, and you none of it. I will take it all from you now,” Severus promised, scaling her gaze once more, unsure of where he stood. “The earnest truth, Lily….” Severus began, sighing. He had to tell her. He had to- but he could not. Why should he complicate things when she already seemed content with where her own path and life had taken her? Say it, Severus… Tell her how dearly you love her… Tell her. “Not a day has passed without my thinking of you. Of our childhood. Of all of the things we had experienced together. The earnest truth is…” He stuttered, a rarity in the Slytherin’s speech. Severus sucked in the bravest breath that he could muster, perhaps a quality of a Slytherin, looked into the doe eyes once more and told her, “I loved you then. I love you now. I am a fool. I do not deserve your forgiveness, nor your acceptance. I deserve to bleed, to sweat, to cry, to hate myself. But I am a foolish bleeding man who loves you. And no matter what happens now, I will possess that same regret and love for you for the remainder of my existence.” A silence proceeded, and Severus was somewhat stunned that the words had left his lips. And despite the eminent pain, Severus knew that he should have apologized a year ago, but at least he had finally done it… So that perhaps Lily could reclaim the direction in which she had traveled, and grasp permanent happiness and joy which she deserved.
She wanted to ask him a million questions, to explore every facet of what had gone wrong between them. To discern how to people who had depended so fiercely on one another could shatter into so many pieces all in the space of a heartbeat. How could he have said what he did about her? She would have found it impossible to shape words even half as damaging as the ones he’d let fly loose. She had spent months, even years, defending him and their friendship. Insisting to the people she loved in Gryffindor house that Severus was different, was her friend, that he loved her like she loved him. That he was part of her and they had to accept that. The word itself hadn’t caused as much pain as the humiliation and the betrayal of it. The pity that followed her around for weeks as Marlene struggled not to say I told you so.
She wanted to ask but her stubbornness wouldn’t allow her. Instead she bit the inside of her cheek, arms folded tightly across her chest in a symbol of the ultimate wall between them. The closer he stood to her, the more she pressed herself back against the wall of the train, as if being near him was physically painful. And the fact of the matter was, it was.
She let him speak as she glared, unable to tell what emotion coursed through her with more strength. Confusion, anger, hurt, all swirled in black and gray and red mists in her mind as he tried to justify the past year of pain he had caused her. The boy she had known and loved pulled at her heart and she wanted to forgive him, but the young woman who had known too much rejection in the past twelve months wouldn’t allow herself to be suckered so easily. “You don’t love me,” she said, red overwhelming other colors as the words left his mouth. “This isn’t love. I have been by your side since the day we met. I fought with friends, turned my back on people who cared for me, all for you. And the whole time you did none of it for me. You sat with your awful friends as they mocked me and those like me and then you joined right in.”
Tears filled her eyes but angrily she refused to let them fall. The more anger she felt, the quieter she became. She didn’t shout when she was truly angry, something Sev was the only person to really know about her. “And then you ignored me. For a bloody year I heard nothing from you. So what makes you think you can come to me now, pretending your sorry. Do you think so little of me that you think I’d still be here waiting for you?” The worst part of it all, was that she had been waiting. Even now she longed to have him back in her life and it took all the self control she had not to hold the sad boy in front of her in her arms and to just let things go back to the way they had once been. But things weren’t that way, anymore, and nothing she did could change that.
Severus stepped closer to her in the moment that proceeded, nearly forgetting the context of the situation. He nearly reached out to her and enveloped Lily in a tight hug; he could have-and almost did- whisper in her ear, assuring her that everything would be all right as he used to. There was nothing that he could say which would smooth the rough waters, but he wanted to. Tears throbbed in his throat, and even rolled down the pallor cheeks, even though he promised himself that he would not cry. A slender finger wiped at the substance as Severus tried to compose himself. If he spoke now, he would become a blubbering mess and send Lily away. All of the choices that he had made were full of naive idiocy, but how could he prove that to Lily before she disappeared? “I will never justify what I have done,” he began in the shakiest of voices. “There is no justification. I was a primitively stupid boy who came from a household of hatred who needed somewhere to fit in. I was not brave. Not like you or like James Potter or like Sirius. Not like Remus. I was nothing. I only found myself suited to the darkness that I had been cultured in. I will regret for the rest of my life all of the times that I let you down and betrayed you. Lily, you never deserved any of it as much as I did not deserve the times in which you spent your time defending me.” The raven orbs lifted sadly as he searched her eyes. “But you are wrong about one thing.” The voice was smooth, accompanied so closely by isolation and loneliness that the two elements of voice were indistinguishable from one another. He was a hollow man who lived a dry life; the only source of wetness was his tears. The blood that he shed. He deserved none of her brightness and daytime lilies. “I love you more than anything.” The voice became strong, because despite all of the mistakes and the terrible things that Severus had done, regardless of his insecurities and inability to decipher where he belonged in the world, he was certain of one thing, and that was his love for the woman in front of him. “I have changed. I am not the same person that I was. I did not value you as I should have, and there is no excuse for that. I am breaking my habits. I do not spend time with those people any longer.” The black hues widened, hoping so desperately that she would believe him, for it was the ultimate truth. “I love you, Lily. I never lied about that.” He could have listed a thousand reasons, should she have asked. But the anger in her eyes previously indicated to Severus that Lily had not been in the mood to talk. Should things go south, should the conversation inspire further hatred of him, Severus would continue to try to prove his emotion for her while simultaneously keeping her safe from behind the scenes. All the while, guilt and love mixed within his chest and became the highest levels of feeling within the man.
The tears that Severus failed to restrain pulled at Lily’s heart like nothing before. It was as if it were engrained in her very DNA that seeing him in such distress meant she should be comforting him. Should be wrapping her arms around him and telling him it would be all right. They would be alright. Her fingers clenched into fists as she kept her arms locked against her chest to keep herself from giving into that desire. Her body wanted it, her heart wanted it, but her head knew it would be a mistake.
If he had come to her before today, he would have had more of a chance. She would have given in easier, would have believed him when he said he loved her. But this day had shown her what it meant to love your friends. What being ripped apart from the people you loved did to you. The way Sirius and James were just both complete wrecks, that was what it meant to lose someone you loved. It had been a month before they broke down, before Sirius came back and before James pushed himself to the limits. Severus had managed to go an entire year without speaking to her. Without attempting to make things right.
Then again, so had she.
"What am I supposed to say, Severus?" she asked, letting go of calling him by his last name but not ready to let his nickname slip from her lips for fear of what it would do to her self control. "What am I supposed to do? I tell you we can go back and then what? I don’t trust you anymore. You know what it did to me to lose Petunia, and you did the same thing. How am I supposed to forgive that?”
Petunia. Lily’s sister had crossed Severus’ mind a multitude of times when he considered how deeply he had scarred Lily; how he had assisted her through the heartbreak only to repeat it through his damned hypocrisy. The recognition splayed across his tempered face as he gazed at the woman in front of him. How could he have been so purely stupid? To hurt the best source of goodness he had ever held so dearly? She was his past, present, and future. How could she forgive him, as Lily had fairly pointed out? Defeat seemed to accumulate in his chest, but then was countered when hope found its place there; such a feeling only appeared in Lily’s presence.
"If I could have time," he nearly whispered, stepping one extra step towards Lily, feeling that she would be more open to him if his eyes leveled with hers and the statement of his name.. Not Snape.. She had not called him Snape. "I will prove everything I have said to you." A moment of silence proceeded before Severus lifted his sleeve, revealing the bare paleness of his forearm. "Look," he told her. The Dark Mark no longer covered his arm, no sign of the dark arts on his body. His mind could be cleared of all temptation with her too. "Lily," he finally said. "Please let me show you." The black eyes were filled with hope and love, and despite the foulness of her emotions toward him, even spending time with her hating him, Severus had not experienced such contentment in much time- simply by being around her.
She wanted to let him, wanted to give him the time he asked for but she could only hear Marlene’s voice in her head pointing out that he never really cared for her, not the way she had for him. She remembered the way she’d cried herself to sleep for months, Mary’s hands running through her hair to soothe her, Marlene raging in the dorms about the way he had treated her. She remembered the shocking pain of that day, of someone who had watched Petunia reject her doing the same thing and she had to admit to herself that she was scared.
She was terrified of letting him back in. Losing him once had felt like being ripped apart at the seams and she wasn’t certain she could survive it again. What would she say to Marlene and Mary who had cleaned up the mess Severus had made. How would she justify to them that no matter how badly he’d hurt her, she naively thought he could change. He said he could and she wanted to believe it but what if she was wrong. What if he couldn’t. He hadn’t before even though she had asked.
"Sev," her voice was strained with the tears she was holding back stepping back as he stepped toward her but making the mistake of meeting his eyes. Eyes that she always thought told her everything and that she saw in now hope. "Alright," she said finally, surprising herself as she hadn’t realized she was going to give him another chance. "I meant it when I said I don’t trust you anymore," she reiterated, "but…alright."
The sound of his name exiting Lily’s lips caused another hugely wracked sob to escape Severus’ tightened throat as numerous silver tears shed from his eyes, breaking loose from their thin barriers, and causing his face to glimmer under the dimmed light. He often found himself comparing himself to Petunia after the year of isolation from Lily, recalling how he had comforted her through the difficult time period only to be hypocritical and harm her as her muggle sister had. “If I had time, Lily,” he began, his voice catching on the collective tears, “I can prove it to you. I can prove all that I have said tonight to be true.” Severus noticed the sadness in her eyes and almost forget the context of the situation, so terribly wishing to wrap his arms around her; to kiss her forehead and to hum one of their childhood songs to her; to assure her that everything would be all right in the end… that he loved her. Oh, how truly and deeply he loved her.
Severus could not breathe without the young woman in his life, and he could barely recall how he had managed to survive a year without her. Then he remembered that all of the time that had passed he had spent sleep-walking. The spiritual Severus Snape had been dead for a long time. Prior to meeting her, being stuck in the impoverished region of Spinner’s End; victimized to the alcoholism and abuse from his father and the indifference of his mother; Severus was a child without a childhood, only wishing to feel something- even if that something was painful- to remind him that he was not an empty, walking vessel. The past year felt similarly without Lily. “If you are free tonight,” he ventured, the sentence fragmented with sadness in his voice as Severus cleared his throat and reasserted more confidently, “If you wanted to.. Maybe we could.. spend some time together…” He trailed off, hoping to be granted that wish so much so that his fists tightened in anticipation and whitened his knuckles. “I have so much to say,” he submitted, looking at her lovingly.
She’d offered to give him a chance but she still wasn’t convinced this was a good idea. Fear and uncertainty in her mind warred with her heart, a heart that had grown so accustomed to Severus that it hadn’t yet learned to survive without him. She was glad she would have time to prepare, to wrap her mind around the idea that she had to forgive all that gone on in the last year. “I can’t tonight,” she pointed out, trying with great effort not to sound as if he should have known. Her pride and stubbornness didn’t like the idea of second chances and still were not thrilled with her decision to give him one. “I’m Hear Girl, remember? I have duties, chores?”
She heard herself as she spoke, how awful she sounded, and she bit her tongue to keep herself from going on. This wasn’t how you forgave someone, how you gave them a second chance. This wouldn’t work if she kept punishing him for something she’d said she would try to forgive. She let out a sigh, trying to calm her temper. “Maybe tomorrow? I’ve not got any duties until later tomorrow evening and classes don’t start until Monday so perhaps we could spend time together tomorrow?” she suggested.
Severus should have suspected as much, being dejected. The disappointment and hurt played across his face before he could apprehend the emotions. He managed to disguise the initial reaction as Lily proposed spending time together the following day. He desired so terribly to believe her, to have faith that she wanted to try again; he hoped that he had been thorough in conveying his feeling for her and the genuine nature of his hope to fix their relationship. Severus cleared his throat, not wanting to cloud Lily’s own mind with guilt for refusing him, as she deserved no strained feeling in this situation. “Yeah, of course,” he told her, the black eyes finding interest in the ground as an embarrassed pink flushed his cheeks. “I’m.. I’m always free.” He wanted to add “for you,” but decided that the timing was too soon, and to add loving comments like that would take time, energy, and full trust. “Don’t have anything going on.”
He listened to her explain her schedule and nodded softly and understandingly. He could only fathom the responsibilities that came with the position. “Absolutely.” He forced the smallest of smiles. “Congratulations on the position, by the way.” The monotonous voice softened lightly as he studied Lily. The Emerald eyes tortured him. “Lily,” he ventured, searching her eyes for a promise that she would try for tomorrow. He truly needed to inform her of so much. “Thank you.” He kept his eyes on hers; she needed to see the love there; the desperation; and most importantly, the truth and honesty played in them. “Thank you. I will prove it all to you.”
Lily saw the sadness in his eyes when she said no and the part of her that had been behind her decision to give him a second chance scolded her for being the reason for that look in his eyes. She hated seeing that pain there, even if she was cross with him, and she forced herself to hold her temper. She nodded at his insistence that he would prove to her how sorry he was and she hoped with all her heart that he could. “Tomorrow then,” she promised. “Meet you in the courtyard after breakfast?” She longed to extricate herself from the discomfort of this situation, to get back to her compartment and to Marlene. Which would bring it’s own problems because what would she tell Marlene about why she was seeing Severus the next day? But that was a problem for a later time. “Have a good rest of the trip,” she said finally, forcing another small smile before she ducked around him and out of the corridor.
