#sexpectations

[under-the-table-podcast]

Hands!

In this ep: Physical intimacy Trust Sydcarmy sex predictions / HC Switch! Pillow talk Sexpectations BEAR their souls New Berzattos? Project central UTT SydcARMY Community FF Feedback Connection

[propshophannah]

It's nice that you try to educate people on sex ed and vaginal health and encourage them to go to the doctor (I only go to the doctor if it is absolutely necessary, nothing is working over the counter, or if it is life threatening but that's just my way of doing things). Although I knew most of it through research online and prior knowledge from family members. It's always good to have a base knowledge of things

Thank you. I try. It honestly started as a post on why book sex is great to read but also mostly unrealistic/missing all the “real” parts. 😂 I just wanted to lower the expectations of may readers who’d never had sex before in a realistic and healthy way. And then it just became my thing.

And to everyone who got to that ONE SCENE in ACOFAS. Yes, sex has a smell. No, it doesn’t always have a smell. Yes, I was shocked Maas put that in the book. Hell yes, I was ALL ABOUT IT because we don’t talk about sex in a realistic or candid way in society. And yes, you can ask me about what sex smells like if you want me to explain it because i know a few of you are probably already leaving that ask or have already left it.

And NO I’m not tagging this as a spoiler because it’s not and I’m not filtering opportunities for sex ed.

[propshophannah]

Hey, so I’m almost 18 and I’ve never used a tampon. I’ve always stuck to pads and tampons kind of scare me. I haven’t had a female role model or just a female older than me in my life for years that I could talk to about this. When I first got my period when I was 11 my dad just kind of awkwardly handed me a thing of pads and I’ve just stuck with them and now that I’m older it’s humiliating to think that I’ve only used pads which are I guess looked down on??? It seems stupid that I’m so 1/

Scared of tampons when I’ve been sexually active for a few years now and it’s not like I’m scared of down there. It’s just I don’t know. I want to start using them but I’m not sure what to get or like where to start or whatever it just all seems low key terrifying and I thought I’d ask you seeing as everyone sees you as like the cool aunt on here 2/2—

Hi Nonnie! First, I totally get that people do look down on pad users, but that’s ridiculous and stupid. Some people physically CANT use tampons. So they use pads. And some people just like pads. Ain’t no thing. We each like what we like and let’s be real—HAVING A PERIOD SUCKS so whatever makes it easier for people is fine by me. No judgement here!

Also, congrats on being sexually active! Its so important for young women to take control of their bodies, explore their own agency, and actively choose to participate in activities that are right for them. And choosing to be sexually actively as a young woman is HARD in society today. So congrats on being empowered and choosing to do what you want to do with your body.

So tampons! I would say start with a variety pack. That way you have: Regular/I’m only bleeding a little bit day tampons, Medium/well damn those underwear are ruined tampons, and Heavy/HOLY SHIT IM BLEEDING OUT IS THIS NORMAL day tampons.

For your first time buying tampons, I’d stick to name brands. Sometime like Always or Playtex or Kotex—whatever speaks to you. Some tampon brands (like Kotex) run bigger than other brands. And for good reason because no two vaginal canals/opening are the same width and one person’s heavy bleeding might be another person’s light day bleeding. So if you have a heavier flow, I’d grab a Kotex variety pack. Tampax are good too but they have a weird wing shape that never seemed to work for me.

Check out this blog post I found! http://m.thesweethome.com/reviews/best-tampons/

If you scroll to the bottom, they have a bunch of pictures of tampons after they’ve absorbed liquid so you can see what they look like. This should help you pick a good place to start!

Hope this helps!

[propshophannah]

Hi Hannah, I don't want to just bombard you like this but I feel weird buying condoms. I know I shouldn't because everyone has sex, but I just feel like I'm announcing to the world "hey I'm about to go have sex" do you have any tips on how not to feel weird?

BUFFER ITEMS!

I used to do this with tampons. When I was younger, I couldn’t walk around with just a box of tampons. I had to get a whole cart and fill it with stuff. I’d end up buying all kinds of shit when really all I wanted/needed was tampons. LOL.

So, buffer items. Maybe you get a t-shirt and a loaf of bread. Maybe some toothpaste. Have fun with it. Keep em guessing what you’re going to be getting into.

When I got older, I got to the point where I could talk myself into feeling confident about buying tampons or condoms etc. So reminding yourself you’re being responsible as fuck/A MODEL CITIZEN EVERY PARENT DREAMS OF RAISING/an example to all the young people who are going to see you proudly walking around and buying items for safe sex—all that helps me. You know, BOOST YOURSELF!

And honestly you should feel like a damn superhero. Because if one young person sees you walking around confident af with condoms that could change the way they think/feel about buying items for practicing safe sex.

If you run out of options or none of these work for you….THE BACK UP PLAN:

Pull out your phone. TURN IT ON SILENT! And have a fake conversation with someone about how “your stupid little brother is too embarrassed to buy condoms and is having unprotected sex so while you’re annoyed af at how irritating and stupid your little brother is, you’re the worlds best older sibling for buying his dumb ass condoms.”

Distancing yourself from the items can add a nice layer of confidence.

I HAVE DONE THIS. 😂 It usually starts like “no, you know what I’m doing at (insert time and date)??? Buying Richie some damn condoms—the little shit. He’s been having sex with his girlfriend without condoms. They’re in high school! (Pause like your imaginary friend is talking back) I KNOW! Dude! I said the same thing. (Fake listening pause) well, so I guess she’s on birth control, but that doesn’t mean you don’t use condoms!”

You know. Make it convincing. And funny for the amusement of anyone who might be listening. And eventually one day you’ll buy these items and won’t feel awkward.

OH! Bring a friend who makes you feel cool. We all have that friend who we can pretty much do anything around and feel cool about because they either want to be as cool as us, or they just give us the space to spread our wings and fail and succeed without judgment. Bring that friend to joke around with and feel awkward with you and so you won’t feel so awkward. Safety in numbers. Lol.

[propshophannah]

Hey! So I was looking at the posts about hymen that you made and I never really looked at mine but you made me curious so I checked. So it seems like I have an annular hymen? There’s like skin jutting out in the middle so I thought it might be septated but I could only find one opening and even putting one finger in feels really uncomfortable during and after so idk if it’s annular or micro.. something. Any thoughts?

Hi Nonnie! CONGRATS on looking and exploring your own body! It’s so important for people with vulvas and vaginas to feel that they can know themselves and not be shamed for it! You’re just one more person actively creating a safe space for people to get to know their genitals. SO RIGHT ON!

First: I am not a doctor. So I can not really help you distinguish between the names for the different formations of hymen skin. HOWEVER, I can safely say that, as with all things, the hymen classifications we have are likely LARGELY based on generalizations about how the skin looks. So they’re not indicative of everyone. They’re more like broad categories that most people can/may fit into. 

So the important thing here is that you know about where you fit on the spectrum. And knowledge is power. So you now know why its hurts to use tampons or finger yourself. Therefore you can make an active choice about your one body! Such as:

to slowly and gently start stretching the skin out yourself (to help alleviate any pain if ever you should want to have sexual intercourse, or a sexual encounter with a partner, or masturbate with a dildo or something that you’d insert into your vagina etc.) to improve your overall quality of life.

to seek out an ob/gyn (medical professional) and talk about having a hymenectomy to alleviate unnecessary pain to improve your overall quality of life.

If you really want to know which classification of hymen skin you have, I would recommend making an appointment with an ob/gyn and asking them. This would also open the door for you to discuss with them about options for having it removed—if that’s something you’d like to do. 

I am a HUGE advocate of getting a hymenectomy to improve quality of life! It’s disappointing that people don’t talk about them openly and that so many people with vulvas and vaginas have to suffer unnecessarily with pads (nothing wrong with pads but if you hate them and can’t use tampons because of your hymen skin—that just SUCKS), painful masturbation and potentially SCARRING AND HUMILIATING sexual encounters.

Hope this helps nonnie!

[propshophannah]

Do you have to get an exam down there if you never have and you ask your doctor for birth control? im just a tired teen who has horrible pm, heavy periods, and horrible cramps and I just,,,,,dont feel comfortable going to a gyno yet?

This is a GREAT question for your gyno. Lol.

Idk where you live or what the laws are there for getting birth control. So idk if you can get it at your age without any kind of exam. And different doctors are going to feel out the situation differently. Your age, medical history and family history will all 100% factor into their decision. It all depends.

News Flash: NO ONE feels comfortable going to the gyno. No one. But a good ob-gyn will make you as comfortable as possible.

Just. Go.

Real talk (opinions are overly pragmatic and assertive to a fault): So you have a vulva and vagina—who cares? It’s not some “sacred” or “special” place. It’s not some “secret” to be cloistered and kept “holy” for the eyes of the person you marry.

It’s a sex organ. You piss, shit, bleed, and birth babies within the span of a few inches of flesh that just so happen to all be between your legs. You also get some of the greatest sensations known to human kind from within those few inches too. Gyno visits are not a big deal. Your vulva and vagina are not a big deal.

The patriarchy teaches us to feel ashamed for the anatomy between our legs to the point that most school sex ed programs don’t tell us how to use a tampon let alone when to go to the ob-gyn. We’re taught that discussing periods should make us and everyone around us uncomfortable. And that’s such bullshit. Having a vulva and vagina is not something to be ashamed of. And not being ashamed of something means we take care of it because it’s part of us.

[Now if why physically can’t go to the ob-gyn because you were sexually assaulted and it causes panic attacks/symptoms PTSD, that’s a different story. That requires therapy from a trained professional and a good, trusting relationship with an ob-gyn you may not be able build in just one visit.]

You go to the dermatologist for rashes and zits.You visit the dentist for cleanings and cavities.You see an ENT cuz snot drips down your throat. You let the eye doctor shine lights in your eyeballs and dilate your pupils to the point that it’s unsafe to drive. And you let your PCP’s new nurse stick a needle in your ass cuz holy shit having strep throat sucks.

Why would you think any differently about letting another kind of doctor help you by making sure you’re body is healthy?

And here’s the thing: Your vulva and vagina wont be the first the doctor sees and they won’t be the last. And no one will remember what your genitals look like. You’re just not that lucky.

If it helps, I always tell myself something along the lines of “hannah, would you rather be walking around with cancer and not know it?” To which my answer is always “Fuck. No. Time for this gyno appointment!”

If your periods are bad enough/you get desperate enough, you’ll go. Not trying to be an asshole. But it’s true. People who want help do what they gotta do to get it.

See this post for more: https://propshophannah.tumblr.com/post/159016099613/when-should-you-start-going-to-the-gynecologist

Hope this helps!

[propshophannah]

Hey, I'm 18 and currently in my last year of high school. I havent as of yet kissed anyone or even had a boyfriend and I kinda feel like I am being left behind. I have trouble talking to guys as soon as I like someone I seem to loose all ability to talk. I freak out and go totally tonguetied. I guess what I am asking is how do you even get a romantic partner? The whole concept of even having someone like me back is so foreign and like something that'll never happen. Thankyou for reading this :))

Hi Nonnie! See this post for some of the answers: https://propshophannah.tumblr.com/post/159016798673/im-19-and-i-havent-had-sex-yet-i-leave-for-uni

And then I’ll say this: I think the moment you can be happy on your own and not need a significant other, is the moment one will pop up. We live in a culture that makes us feel inadequate for not having a romantic partner and we are so AMAZING AND WHOLE ALONE!

I don’t think there is a way to go about getting a significant other either. I think popular culture CONSTANTLY shoves that idea at us (especially women 😞) and the real world is just not like that. I mean it works for some people, but in my experience it does not. I think if you like someone and they like you, that getting tongue tied won’t be an issue. They’ll think it’s cute and understand it means you like them. Relationships just happen. Out of the blue. I

I think what no one tells us in romcoms or pop culture is that when we can be happy and whole and focused on ourselves and our goals and the fact that we’re amazing and don’t need anyone to take care of us—that’s when the people we’re meant to be with walk into our lives. And I don’t want to sound like a weirdo or like I believe in love at first sight but you just know. If you know yourself enough to know what you want in your life and how to make you happy, then when you meet a person you could happily spend the rest of your life with—you just know. And it’s not a moment of gooshy-moony-woo-woo head over heels stuff. It’s a moment of gut instinct. You just know.

So try not to fret about it. Society tells us that being in relationships is a big deal and that we have to actively go out and pursue them—and that’s just BULL. SHIT.

Forget every movie you saw where the girl got a makeover then found a man. Forget every movie you saw where the girls went shopping for “the right” outfit or looked for “the right” things to say do or blah blah blah—

You’re not an ornament to be decorated nor a personality to be constructed for the purpose of attracting men. That’s what the patriarchy wants you to think. YOU’RE A WHOLE PERSON! WITH PLENTY TO OFFER! And you should act like yourself and dress like yourself and BE YOURSELF so that when the right person comes along, they see you. Not some carefully curated version of you. You just focus on being you and don’t worry about attracting dudes. The right dude will be attracted to you for you. And it’ll start as a friendship and then move into something more. Seriously. (One day I’ll tell you all a story about my policy of bodily fictions and girls lying about it. LOL)

[propshophannah]

Birth control really overwhelms me. Like I know there is birth control used for acne and to not get your period and not to get pregnant but is there just 1 that's does all that? Stop periods and pregnancy? Also apparently 1 brand will not work the same for a different girl? I'm lost please help!

This is a GREAT question for your gynecologist! 

All birth control prevents pregnancy. If it didn’t it wouldn’t be called birth control….

Depending on your UNIQUE situation (pimples, family history, mental health, other medications, life goals, period goals, lifestyle) an OB/GY can tell you which birth control will work best.

The internet is the EXACT WRONG PLACE to be asking these questions. I’m not trying to be a dick. Honest. But an Ob/Gyn is MEDICALLY QUALIFIED to talk to you about which birth control will work best for you. 

I can tell you, honest to (insert the god/dess you pray to) that I am on a birth control that does it all. But birth controls work differently for different people and NO ONE on the internet is qualified to tell you which one will work best for you. 

Literally when you go to the Ob/Gyn, they will ask if you want birth control. Then they’ll ask a shit load of questions about your lifestyle and birth control options (there are a fuck ton!) and SOMEWHERE in that conversation you’ll mention that you wish you’re acne went away, that you do/do not want your boobs to get bigger, that you do/do not want to skip periods. I’m telling you: Ask your Ob/Gyn. They will have EVERY answer. AND IT WILL BE MEDICALLY SOUND.

If you’re nervous, don’t sweat it. They’re qualified to tell you which ones to choose. You don’t need to research on the internet and find specific ones to ask for—cuz GUESS WHAT? You’re not qualified to choose your birth control. 

Sorry.

And while I’m at it, your conspiracy theorist bff isn’t either. AGAIN. NOT TRYING TO BE A DICK. But I get more asks from people who think the medical community is “out to get them” that it’s almost a trigger. LOL.

If you don’t like/trust your doctor—find a new one! It’s NOT hard. You just ask for a different doctor at the practice, or you go to a different practice. People are so quick to jump to “birth control has bad side effects and doctors are out to make a profit and BLAH BLAH BLAH. Lose those friends/influences, Nonnie. They’re holding you back/not using rational thought. 

if you need some convincing, check out Dr. Gunter’s blog! She is a BAD ASS BITCH QUALIFIED to give advice and with this Goop and Gwenyth Paltrow shit recently her blog has FINALLY gotten the recognition she deserves.

You’re qualified to tell the Dr. what kind type of BC you want. You may want injections or pills or an IUD—whatever. And they’re going to listen to what you want out of the BC and pick the one that lines up with that AND your unique medical history. 

Check out Dr. Jen Gunter’s blog. IT’S EVERYTHING! And make an appt to talk about BC with your Ob/Gyn.

Hope this helps!