What are some doubts that continue to come up in your life?
Wow this is a very loaded question the doubt I continue to have in life. That my dreams are ridiculous and unachievable. That the likelihood of me getting married or having children is so unlikely my own tarot deck won’t tell me about it. That I will never find a passion as strong as my passion for painting use to be.
The only constant in my life is that my hair is constantly greasy no matter what I do and my eyebrows will never be twins. That my waist will never be cute and small and the e-girl style just makes me look like I ran a marathon.
To list all the doubts I have in my life would take ages. Most of the doubts I have in my head are not even in my voice. They are criticisms I got growing up from my mother mostly and they ring in my ears everytime I get to happy. Like a bell going off I know that whenever hope starts to bloom in my head or my heart the voice fills my mind with jabs at everything I have every cared about.
“If you don’t lose weight you will never met a man.”
“You have depression. What do you have to be depressed about?”
“Your make up looks stupid.”
“I can’t believe you dyed you hair again.”
These are just a few of the thousands of times as a child she cut me down before I have a chance to blossom. I remember her screaming at me for sitting in my own room and crying just because I felt like it. If I had emotions she couldn’t control she would yell until I had a reason to feel that way. Taking all my art and posters down after she found out I was bisexual and throwing them in the trash. Grounding me from the computer because I was e-mailing a girl. Making me feel like a freak and then making sure to tell the whole family she supported my cousins coming out as gay just so everyone knew how tolerant she was. It was all an act and it has seriously impacted my mental health.
My fiancée got hit by a car and died and she bullied me through my grieving so much that almost 3 years later I still haven’t accepted his death or been able to move on.
The doubts I have an something I know I need to move on from and let go of. I am going to go to therapy and get this handled as soon as I can get medical coverage. Life is fucking me in a real way, but I am trying to be better for my spell work and my ultimate goal of owning a tiny house and living off the grid. My dream is to live in the forest away from people with my cats and plants and be a witch. That was the only dream I have ever had and I will get there slowly.
To be continued, Blessed Be.