#shadowsing

[starbind]

@shadowsing gwyn said, "it’s not your job to fix me. i don’t want to ruin you too." to azriel

not many things affect him so deeply, but what gwyn says pierces his heart violently. ‘i don’t want to ruin you too.’ if only she knew how mangled and beyond repair he is, he finds it difficult to even look at himself in the mirror. did gwyn know what he does for the night court, all the lives he has taken, or how his hands are drenched in blood? his stomach churned at the thought of gwyn thinking herself to be ruined. for someone so full of light and joy to think of themselves as anything but because of what others had done to her. he’d kill them all a million times over, his only regret is he wasn’t there quick enough.

why do you think you’re something that needs fixing, he wanted to shout. his shadows swirl around her like a comforting embrace as he stands in front of her with a hard expression. “there is nothing to fix,” his words come out harsher than he intends but only because he can’t help but be offended that she would think he believes she’s broken in the first place. his eyes soften when he looks at her and it takes everything in him to not pull her into his arms. if she wants touch, he needs her to be the one who initiates it even if he is someone not worth touching. he isn’t nesta or emerie, getting her to open up to him may not happen but gods he wanted to try. for her he would try anything. “why do you think that? what makes you think you could ruin anything?”

[deathsconsort]

@shadowsing gwyn said, "i don't think you're a bad person."

the library had become her sanctuary, it was the one place she knew she wouldn’t be hunted down by either rhysand or cassian. at least she hoped the latter wouldn’t be furious enough to track her down here and demand to see her. he has a habit of being impulsive and reckless, so there was always a possibility of him coming down here without thinking it through. it’s partly why she had asked gwyn if they could go into her room instead of the main part of the library; he wouldn’t dare enter the priestesses' living quarters. that she was certain of.

she sits against gwyn’s bed, the priestess by her side, and before them lays gwydion. or the starsword according to bryce. like hell was nesta going to leave it unattended where anyone can get their hands on it, rhysand especially. she was upset enough at cassian to not want him to touch it at the moment either. perhaps she would be petty enough and keep it hidden in gwyn’s room until she can figure out how to use it to figure out why she had the eight pointed star tattooed on her back. the same star that’s marked on bryce’s chest and the chamber she had found in the prison marked with the same star.

“i think that that eight pointed star was tattooed on you for a reason. take that sword and go figure out what.” bryce was so confident nesta and the star was connected, but nesta was still lost. not to mention a bit heartbroken from how furious cassian is at her and the way he didn’t stand up to rhysand on her behalf. not that she needed him to, but it would be nice. especially when bryce’s mother, who hadn’t known nesta, stood up for her. no one had ever defended her the way ember had. nesta longed to have a mother like her and selfishly wished she could have stayed here longer.

nesta didn’t go into the details of what had happened, mostly because she didn’t want to keep reliving it or the verbal lashing from rhysand. but also she wasn’t exactly sure of gwyn’s thoughts on him, he is her high lord and she was able to heal here in the library because of him. it felt wrong for nesta to tell her how awful he was to her so she simply told her she allowed someone from a different universe to use the mask to save her people and that rhysand, cassian, amren, and possibly azriel are all pissed at her for it.

her legs are folded to her chest with her cheek resting on her knees. there’s a vacant expression on her face, her voice brittle when she speaks. “you’re one of the few that think that. it feels like everyone around me is just waiting for me to fuck up. they’re practically jumping at any chance to go after me about something.” she can feel the depression, the worthlessness pressing in on her again. it was difficult right now to keep her mind quiet and steady. she felt tears begin to pool in her eyes. “i don’t want to live like this anymore.”

[deathsconsort]

@shadowsing cassian said "let me do it for you, okay?"

the eyeroll she gave him was paired with a playful grin as he took the box from her hands. “i’m pregnant, not injured, i can carry a few boxes by myself you know.” despite that though she sits in the rocking chair they placed in the corner of the nursery. she wouldn’t admit outright, but being pregnant did make her more tired that she initially thought it would. she also wouldn’t admit that carrying the boxes into the room did make her winded, but knowing cassian he most likely took notice of it.

the nursery at the house of wind was already done and although they would be in velaris when their daughter is a newborn, having a nursery at their second house was ideal for just in case situations. as well as them not having to worry about it later on. she pulled a box over to her and organized what was in it into little piles while she sat so she at least felt useful. amongst the items there was a small painting feyre had made and one of the baby blankets elain had sewn. although she was happy both her sisters had made something for her daughter, something tugged at her heart. the longing to give her daughter something from her human life. “i wish i still had some of my things from when i was little, it would’ve been nice to pass them along to her.”

[deathsconsort]

@shadowsing cassian said, "let me take care of you."

getting her cycle only twice a year had been one of the benefits of being high fae, the downside was they were excruciatingly painful. to the point it left her debilitated, she spent most of her cycle either in bed or in the bath. typically cassian had to carry her to and from both places, she was always in too much agony to ever be embarrassed about it. she was never embarrassed about the blood either, there was no point when her mate had seen plenty of gore in his lifetime that this was probably nothing to him. for nesta it was her own stubbornness that was difficult to get over, she wasn’t used to someone caring for her. whenever she was in any kind of pain or had gotten sick she toughed it out on her own, thinking it would somehow make her weak. at least now she knows that was a foolish way of feeling, however she has done it for so long that she’s finding it difficult to rewire her brain. even if it is her own mate wanting to take care of her.

she’s on their bed in a fetal position, finding it to be the most comfortable for the cramps. cramps didn’t seem to be a strong enough word for what was happening to her body. her entire insides felt as if they were being squeezed and shredded, a sharp blade cutting into them constantly. more often than not the pain would violently shoot through her causing her to scream, which she always tried to muffle with a pillow so she didn’t worry anyone. she opened her eyes to peer at cassian who was so sweet and attentive to her it made her want to weep. she blamed that bit on the hormones. “i don’t know if there’s anything you can even do for me.” her voice was weak and edged with pain. she hissed through her teeth at a stab of pain. “but if you can find a way to make this even a little less painful, you’d be my hero.”

[deathsconsort]

@shadowsing azriel said, "i don't have time for 'fun.'"

even if she wanted to nesta couldn’t stop the heavy eye roll she gave him. “you’re what, five-hundred something years old? practically immortal and you’re telling me you don’t have any time for fun?” she assumed he was joking, but as she continued to stare him down she realized he very well could be serious. after all, he's been living in the house of wind with her and cassian for a while now and she’s never seen him partake in any sort of hobby. and no she didn’t consider training on the rooftop a hobby.

however, knowing the kind of person azriel is, she would bet he does anything he enjoys privately so that others can’t perceive him. she grabbed his hand and started tugging him down the street. “come on shadowsinger, you and i both are going to have fun tonight. we both could use it. and while we’re at it, you’re going to tell me what’s fun to you, what sort of hobbies you have.” she gave him a sidelong look, “if you even think of telling me sharpening your knives i’m going to wring your neck.”

[deathsconsort]

@shadowsing said "for what it's worth, i like who you are now."

“then you are one of the few because the rest of your friends seem to think that i need to change.” she keeps her eyes averted from him, choosing to stare far out at the city lights across the sidra. her lending the mask to bryce to help save her world was still a touchy topic of conversation amongst the group. as well as the fact that bryce gave nesta her sword and that sword happened to be gwydion. and like hell is she going to allow rhysand to touch it. when another argument broke out about her choices, she found refuge on one of the balconies of the house of wind and it wasn’t long until azriel joined her.

nesta realized quite quickly that she will never be enough for them. feyre’s friend group will always see her as nothing but the sister who didn’t help feyre enough, the selfish sister, the one who always makes the wrong choices in their eyes. nothing she does will ever be enough, she’s already done so much already. she tried telling herself it didn’t bother her, after all she was satisfied with the choices she’s made recently and proud of herself for what she’s accomplished even if their little group wasn’t. but it never feels good being around people who are quick to pass judgement on her and her decisions. unfortunately, she had to see the inner circle more than she would have liked so the feeling has been eating away at her.

“i don’t regret it, you know, letting bryce use the mask. innocent people, children, were going to be slaughtered if i didn’t help her. i don’t see why that’s such a bad thing. i wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if i didn’t help her and people died because i refused. so if you agree with the rest of them and you came out here to try to make me see ‘reason’ save your breath and go back inside.”

[deathsconsort]

@shadowsing azriel said "every second, i want you too much, and every second, i'm on the verge of wanting you more."

azriel’s decision to reside in the dusk court with her had been a shock. his intentions were still unknown to her because of her hesitation to ask him outright. in her head there were two probabilities; either he pitied her because she’s pregnant and because of her decision to keep it a secret for now she would be going through it alone. or he’s bidding his time until her child is born so he can take them from her and whisk them away to the night court. to his brother. nesta didn’t want to believe azriel capable of the latter, but he was incredibly loyal to both his brothers. although he had always been a good friend to her it would be foolish for her to possibly think he would choose his loyalty to her over his brothers. even if something more had grown between them over the past month that he’s been here. something that both of them had tried and ultimately failed to repress. the two had shared an impulsive kiss last night, one she thinks azriel regrets considering his swift exit afterwards.

she imagined the scene before them would appear quite comical to anyone who would walk in on them. the two of them sat on either ends of the very long dining table, much to nesta’s disdain. she had been the first to arrive at breakfast and thought sitting at one end would make azriel more comfortable, but she didn’t think him to be ridiculous enough to sit at the other end. when he had sat she casted a withering look toward him and sighed. there was no greeting from either of them and they ate their breakfast in silence. when the clashing of silverware against the dishware became too much for nesta she pinned him with a steely look. “are we not going to talk about what happened last night? we’re just going to pretend we didn’t kiss?”

there was nothing but silence from him and nesta couldn’t gauge what he was feeling and after a few minutes she believed he wouldn’t respond. she didn’t blame him, there was something fundamentally wrong with her. something that made people never choose her and ashamed they felt anything toward her. perhaps she had grown accustomed to this feeling because the tears she braced herself for never came or maybe she had just built those walls of ice too thick this time around. with her appetite gone, she pushed her plate away and made way to get up when a shadow wrapped itself around her wrist, making her look toward azriel. "every second, i want you too much, and every second, i'm on the verge of wanting you more."

her lips parted slightly as she sat back down fully, but the shadow remained locked around her wrist. “is that why you decided to sit so far from me this morning?” her teeth catch her bottom lip as she considers his words. of course she understood, she felt the same way about him. the spark between them had always been there, they had always been the ones to see each other’s bruised, tattered souls and understood each other in a way no one else had. “why are we restraining ourselves then?” she asks the question, but is sure of the answer. cassian is his brother, the two having a history that goes so deep and nesta is his mate. of course there would be reluctance. “neither of us are tied to anyone anymore, don’t we deserve to be happy too?”

[deathsconsort]

💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋💋

🥰 🥰🥰🥰🥰 the love of my life who i love more than anyone in the whole world