I recently realized that there's a lot of people on here, and a lot of them are new. New, so you have no idea who I am, or why I have written this wonderful trainwreck.
And it's been a year, so here we are.
Hi.
I'm Malin, it's my name on the cover, I'm a 47 year old queer metalhead swede who grew up in the countryside and never really figured out how to make this whole socialization thing work.
I wrote what would eventually become Fallen Hero back in 2008 or 2006 or so, not sure, since my LJ is deleted. It was originally titled 'A supervillain writing experiment' and it was exactly that, an experiment. This was before I was writing seriously, and I hadn't really written anything in english before. It started out because my partner was working on a comic, and I fell in love with the world (not the world of Fallen Hero, I had to retool everything, stole that from another book I was writing). The reason why the story was about a telepath was because it was the closest way I could relate to how alien and raw the world feels sometimes to my neurodivergent brain, the way it invades and hurts and makes it impossible to just be the way everybody else is supposed to be.
And then we come to gender.
Because that was the other reason this story happened, and the reason why it stuck around in my head but couldn't be finished. Because I wasn't finished baking yet.
You see. My own story made me uncomfortable. It was a story about a man, Cyrus, a former hero, telepath, fuckup. Someone not good enough. Broken. Boring. Hating the way he looked, the way he felt about the world and about himself. It was a story about his old friend, Rick (Ricardo), who wanted to be a good friend but was too good at everything. Had everything. Looks. Charm. Fame. Everything Cyrus hated, blamed, wanted to destroy. A good guy turned sour, a simple story with a complication.
The puppet. Yasmin. Who was everything Cyrus was not. Beautiful. Smooth. Popular. With the power to make men do what she wanted to. As long as she played that part. Played the ultimate woman.
And then Yasmin met Rick. And Rick fell hard, and so did Cyrus. The way he couldn't before, because he was washed out and dirty and a man, while Yasmin was fresh and crisp, just like the women Rick always dated. But he had to be a woman. He had to act like one. Look like one.
And that hurt him. That made me hurt.
Because I hadn't figured things out yet.
I felt like I was a boy growing up, but then I started school and was told I was a girl, and that sounded like bullshit so I had no friends but I had books so that was okay. And then I hit puberty, and that was awkward, but I was also tallest in our class and not pretty, so that was less awkward. Until I started looking at girls, and the awkwardness started again. Fast forward, kissed a boy, didn't like it, ditched my boy name (I was Reuben), discovered metal and turned butch lesbian. Fast forward another decade, met someone online, it turned out to be a boy, fell in love and I guess I was bi.
I was in love and things didn't fit. So I wrote my supervillain writing experiment, trying to figure out why I feel so bad being a girl when everybody else likes it when I am.
Yeah, in retrospect I was stupid, but it was a different time, and the answers less available. I always hated how I looked in the mirror, but I had no idea why. I liked parts of me. I never minded them. Boobs are soft. But my body was someone else, and when I stepped out of my gender neutral metalhead outfit it.... clashed. I crashed.
Panicked.
And wrote a fucking book about it.
These days I'm at peace with being genderqueer, but if I had to pick a gender I would be a dude, but I also am a fucking introvert and hates it when people make a fuss or looks at me or talks to me, so actually going through with a transition is a bigger nightmare than my dysphoria. I'm lucky. I'm tall, strong, and I don't look, sound or act very girly. I'm in a man's job, dressed in men's clothes, and people treat me as one of the guys. I'm very lucky. I never had to be a girl growing up, and I think that saved me from a world of pain. Good parents. But I still don't like pronouns, so use whatever you like, I'm not going to care.
So yeah, I am finally okay with being queer in every way, so I turned the story into a game, and tried to share this mess with everyone else.
roleplaying as tom with someone playing tord, when the classic exchange of "jehovahs witness" "commie" occured I forgot the latter word so i came up with something else. now there were rules against talking about nsfw directly but apparently i didnt want it to affect my perfomance too bad, though not wanting other kids with ears to hear a sliver of the horrors i witnessed at their age. "[HYPERLINK BLOCKED] addict" it is
[briefly breaking my usual reblogging for an original post]
it's mus!c tim3
some time ago i've been swept up in a tag by @bataddictedloony to regale you all (all 4 of you in fact) with insight about my recent musical habits.
as of late, the depression has cursed me and not much has been stuck in my head on a day-to-day basis the way something might usually, BUT LO!
there've been some trends in my tastes recently and this one has been my theme song for the last two months. been on repeat in my car. it loops brilliantly.
some other tracks of note that i've been drawn to recently include portishead, massive attack and some fun hatsune miku remixes of classic darkwave/goth pieces from the band astrophysics.
dummy and mezzanine are just incredibly solid albums.
(really great work on the production design for this animation here by artist psicochurroz)
tw: visually implied self harm
basically i'm a slut for trip hop and dark wave.
that said my tastes in music are generally wildly broad and eclectic, but sometimes you're just in a state where you gotta listen to the darker shit. whattayagonna do?
i'll tag no one, but whoever reads this and wants to share their recent music listening in a post of their own, go forth.
just when someone is listening to music and you sit next to them and they take out one earbud and hand it to you??? and you both just sit there listening to music??? together??? like wow thank you for doing that???
I really don't get it why people think plastic surgery is something bad. If one is not confident with some parts of their body, I don't see a problem with changing them. As long as one surgery doesn't end up with changing your whole face, I'm okay with that.
