An update for the past two years since I stopped posting here in 2022.
2022 - Intense relationship and personal doubts.
2023 - My job since 2020 started to do a face-to-face setup. It was actually fun and comfortable. I am anxious and have self-doubts to begin with. But I didn't realize how heavy it would feel to be talked about behind my back, and be called selfish. I was criticized for the way I managed the studio, and for taking my time to conceptualize and produce marketing assets. They said my designs were ugly. They said I spoke too slowly. I was called selfish for reflecting and expressing my feelings — about how my colleagues looked and treated me. I still managed to lead the scholars and produce a recital.
2024 - It was the same as 2023 but heavier since I needed to lead interns and new employees. My boss wanted me to focus on administrative work and was willing to replace me the day before my art classes, without orienting my lesson plan to the person who would replace me. I also managed to handle and lead another recital and art gallery and created the lesson plans. The teacher who replaced me earned twice more because she was assigned to teach the classes I planned, even though she did not follow most of them and didn't execute the techniques properly. I also resigned due to the unfair treatment during the summer classes and the days leading to it. They doubted and stepped on me. They didn't even raise my salary after the promotion. Now, they are thinking that I am just after the money, when in reality, I sacrificed a good freelancing career, and the possibility to try corporate jobs because I believed in their vision. I have been blinded by good words, despite being treated like shit.
Still, 2024 - After quitting my job at the studio, I got hired to a corporate work-from-home job. I'm still under probation until February 2025, which makes me anxious about the possibility that I will not be regularized because of how slowly I work on the marketing materials. Back in the studio, it was a bit easy but now, I have the skills but don't have enough speed to finish them.
I feel like I wasted four years. During those years, my classmates were already married, comfortable, traveling, receiving multiple awards, and so much more. At 29, I am still just beginning. And just when I thought I would be more independent and comfortable now that I had a new job, I suddenly got the responsibility of feeding 3 (my aunt, and two cousins) people passed on to me. They told me "help would be given", but I am the only person working my ass off to feed them and give them school materials. While I can't disclose why the responsibility of caring for them was passed on to me, I did not ask for it and was not ready.
I asked God many times, "Why do these things happen to me at times when I want to fix myself?"
I'm just trying to have a good day and have peaceful meals. I don't want to entertain traumatic stories daily because I wasn't involved in their problems and I have no idea who they are talking about anyway. Am I selfish for trying to protect myself, because absorbing someone's words and negative energy causes me stress? I'm feeling stressed because I have to step out of my comfort zone, deal with debts that I didn't cause, and ensure I stay composed for my new job.
And what if I really am not talented enough? Maybe I am not getting what I thought I deserved, because I am not really meant for it. Because I am just an average person. I don't work twice as hard as my classmates, so I don't have to expect that I would receive the same recognition that they are getting.
I'm convinced that everybody hates me from the people who blocked me to protect their peace, to being uninvited and not being considered. I understand that. I don't like myself either.
