Everybody seemed to move on with their lives, while I still visit this site that holds my teenage memories (some were hidden or deleted, of course). I keep on returning here when everything seems overwhelming. Not even my physical journal is enough to comfort me from all the baggages I carry.
I'm going to be 31 soon. I started blogging at the age of 12 in MySpace and Friendster — then in 2009 when I was around 14.
With all my effort — being an open book and sharing all what I could do, I could've been famous by now. But I'm sure I wasn't likable enough so it never really happened, even 16 years later. And I can't believe that I'm saying this, but there was a point when I want to be known for something.
I guess, because I can't figure what that "something" was, and I'm all over the place — I tend to become too boring, and I wasn't putting myself out there the way I thought I was.
So, anyway.
I'll figure it out like I always do. Maybe not in an organized and beautiful way. But I'll be okay.
Librarians are cool. I wish I had known this before.
Hello there! I want to write more here on Tumblr. I get to write longer, and no one really bothers me here.
The past 2 weeks feel like years.
I did a terrible thing and made accusations against my brother
I met up with my childhood best friends and we healed each other's childhood (we even talked about our undiagnosed mental health)
I feel like I am not doing enough at work and might probably get fired soon. But I wish I was just overthinking. I've never been this scared for my career in the past years. Maybe because it's the first time I actually get paid really well.
I'm really afraid of the idea of losing my job. Before landing this position, I was turned down by a few companies because I didn't have the right qualifications. I blame myself for not considering a corporate job earlier, and now I'm finding it hard to hold onto one. I'm struggling to even manage a freelance client, even though it only takes up 2 hours of my day. I feel drained and have no energy for anything. I need to schedule another appointment with my therapist. It's tough knowing that my neighbor who doesn't even lift a finger earns more than I do.
Today I had a random thought that it would be cool to work in a school and be friends with kids who love to read. I could be like their school hero. Librarians are cool. I wish I had known this before. I used to think they just hired any teacher willing to spend time alone in the library. I never knew you could actually get a master's degree in library and information. It's so cool. But my mind couldn't handle the information they were studying.
Anyway, I'm logging into my actual job now. Being a designer is pretty cool, too. But sometimes, I just wish I were cooler.
I am anxious because I know there will be a thousand people. They are all interested in art. Which makes me no special.
I grew up believing that I also embody creativity. In our neighborhood, I am the weird child who doesn't go out, and you have to accompany me during parties because I'm more interested in staying at my table and playing card games alone rather than running around with my cousins.
What would tomorrow bring once I am surrounded by people better than me? I don't know what to wear to keep me unrecognizable. I don't have enough clothes.
I wanna be positive and do affirmations, but I can't hide the truth. I am way too noob to be there.
I didn't enjoy the camp last weekend. I appreciate the organizers who put in the effort to gather young artists, performers, merchants, and speakers in two days. However, I felt that this activity didn't suit me well because I was alone at that time. It would have been much more enjoyable if I had been with my friends. The event was full of teenagers. And because it was an Art "Camp", people really did have their tents, camping chairs, and picnic mats.
I found myself missing my college blockmates. If only events like this had been available and accessible back then, it would have made for some of the best days of our college years. During our time at the university, we went on field trips, attended exhibitions, and even organized our own art displays. I enjoyed my university life, maybe because I was with them.
After attending the art camp, I still feel like a loner while my blockmates continue to meet up regularly. It's sad because I thought we built a solid support system. But I might have distanced myself too much, to the point that they never got back to me. I never believed I could reach their level of greatness. Every time they reach out, I feel like they are lowering themselves to my level. It feels like I'm six feet lower.
Seeing the new batch of Multimedia Art students from my school made me feel old. I was one of the pioneer students in that course, but during the camp, I never felt so out of place in an art community. I think the event could have been better if the activities were more engaging. They even said there would be a group painting which didn't happen. If I were the organizer, I may have added the following:
A single statue or table set up where artists can gather around in their own free time, and just have a "still-life drawing/painting" session.
A "camp kit" for every participant would also be nice. It doesn't have to be expensive since the attendees didn't pay that much. A pencil, a sticker, two watercolor papers, or a cheap notebook with ten pages inside a paper bag will do.
But I wasn't. And I don't think I can gather up young artists like that the way their Team Head did.
Kudos to him for being brave, and doing this annually — it's actually their fifth year. He's trusted by young audiences, probably because he was a professor and met a lot of people in the art and corporate industry. Confidence and extroversion can really help you go a long way and thrive.
Who knows, maybe I'll be able to organize stuff like this, too. I am holding back my thoughts and the things I am manifesting. I did express myself too much on the internet before, and I believe people have seen me fail over and over. But they have also witnessed me get back up again. I don't get used to it no matter how many years they have seen me trying. I am trying hard. But this time, I want to keep it low-key. But I don't have anything to keep at the moment.
Perhaps going to the camp wasn't such a bad idea. Although I didn't enjoy it, maybe I can find a more welcoming community in the future where even people like me, who prefer to be alone, can feel like they belong. Perhaps I didn't waste my time there after all, as I did learn something.
I am anxious because I know there will be a thousand people. They are all interested in art. Which makes me no special.
I grew up believing that I also embody creativity. In our neighborhood, I am the weird child who doesn't go out, and you have to accompany me during parties because I'm more interested in staying at my table and playing card games alone rather than running around with my cousins.
What would tomorrow bring once I am surrounded by people better than me? I don't know what to wear to keep me unrecognizable. I don't have enough clothes.
I wanna be positive and do affirmations, but I can't hide the truth. I am way too noob to be there.
I don't have anything to write about but I am typing here anyway. I am also making the most of my lunch break just to release my thoughts.
I'm feeling stressed and anxious because my deadline is approaching, and I have a lot on my plate at work and as the breadwinner.
I feel so ashamed every day, knowing that there's nothing left for me after I've paid all my bills and secured our food. I feel like I've wasted my youth working for other people instead of building my future.
Bene and I have already discussed our plans and how we can save up for our wedding. However, we realized that we need to focus on building our careers so that when the right time comes, it will be easier to save up.
I wish I had focused on building my career sooner instead of prioritizing my so-called passion. I know that my passion will always be there for me, and it's never too late to pursue it. However, living paycheck to paycheck is exhausting, and my bills can't wait for me to be ready to pay them. I can't pay bills with my passion.
An update for the past two years since I stopped posting here in 2022.
2022 - Intense relationship and personal doubts.
2023 - My job since 2020 started to do a face-to-face setup. It was actually fun and comfortable. I am anxious and have self-doubts to begin with. But I didn't realize how heavy it would feel to be talked about behind my back, and be called selfish. I was criticized for the way I managed the studio, and for taking my time to conceptualize and produce marketing assets. They said my designs were ugly. They said I spoke too slowly. I was called selfish for reflecting and expressing my feelings — about how my colleagues looked and treated me. I still managed to lead the scholars and produce a recital.
2024 - It was the same as 2023 but heavier since I needed to lead interns and new employees. My boss wanted me to focus on administrative work and was willing to replace me the day before my art classes, without orienting my lesson plan to the person who would replace me. I also managed to handle and lead another recital and art gallery and created the lesson plans. The teacher who replaced me earned twice more because she was assigned to teach the classes I planned, even though she did not follow most of them and didn't execute the techniques properly. I also resigned due to the unfair treatment during the summer classes and the days leading to it. They doubted and stepped on me. They didn't even raise my salary after the promotion. Now, they are thinking that I am just after the money, when in reality, I sacrificed a good freelancing career, and the possibility to try corporate jobs because I believed in their vision. I have been blinded by good words, despite being treated like shit.
Still, 2024 - After quitting my job at the studio, I got hired to a corporate work-from-home job. I'm still under probation until February 2025, which makes me anxious about the possibility that I will not be regularized because of how slowly I work on the marketing materials. Back in the studio, it was a bit easy but now, I have the skills but don't have enough speed to finish them.
I feel like I wasted four years. During those years, my classmates were already married, comfortable, traveling, receiving multiple awards, and so much more. At 29, I am still just beginning. And just when I thought I would be more independent and comfortable now that I had a new job, I suddenly got the responsibility of feeding 3 (my aunt, and two cousins) people passed on to me. They told me "help would be given", but I am the only person working my ass off to feed them and give them school materials. While I can't disclose why the responsibility of caring for them was passed on to me, I did not ask for it and was not ready.
I asked God many times, "Why do these things happen to me at times when I want to fix myself?"
I'm just trying to have a good day and have peaceful meals. I don't want to entertain traumatic stories daily because I wasn't involved in their problems and I have no idea who they are talking about anyway. Am I selfish for trying to protect myself, because absorbing someone's words and negative energy causes me stress? I'm feeling stressed because I have to step out of my comfort zone, deal with debts that I didn't cause, and ensure I stay composed for my new job.
And what if I really am not talented enough? Maybe I am not getting what I thought I deserved, because I am not really meant for it. Because I am just an average person. I don't work twice as hard as my classmates, so I don't have to expect that I would receive the same recognition that they are getting.
I'm convinced that everybody hates me from the people who blocked me to protect their peace, to being uninvited and not being considered. I understand that. I don't like myself either.
I may have shown it online - I posted many dance videos, art updates, and even some music. But what if these are not my calling but my ego's needs?
I don't really need to feel that validation from other people. I'm just entertaining myself. But what if some people think that I'm being too much? Too expressive to the point that seeing my face annoys them?
I've been thinking about what other people might think about me lately. I don't wanna be someone who's hated by anyone. They say we have to be ourselves and not care what other people think. I've been practicing that lately, but then I thought I was being too loud and toxic online.
I don't think I am likable in a way that people find me genuine and pretty. I can't even see it in myself sometimes. I hate seeing my posts sometimes.
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