#sheisunconscious

[escafeism]

And I am so afraid, Afraid that I might be losing you.

M.S.

[escafeism]

One day I will learn your name, and I will write it somewhere on this page. And we will realize that we have known each other all along

Lang Leav

[escafeism]

[escafeism]

i. Palagi kitang tinatanong. Parte na ng buhay ko ang pagtatanong kung kamusta ka na. Isa na yun sa mga bagay na hindi ko nakakalimutan gawin. Gusto ko alam ko kung okay ka lang. Gusto ko kapag malungkot ka, alam ko agad. Palagi rin kitang tinatanong kung kumain ka na, alam ko kasing marami kang pinagkakaabalahan kaya madalas kang hindi kumakain. Kapag hindi naman kita kasama, gusto ko malaman kung anong ginagawa mo o kung nasan ka na. Gusto ko kasing masisiguradong walang nangyayaring masama sayo. Kada umaga, tinatanong ko kung gising ka na ba. Kada gabi, gusto ko malaman kung matutulog ka na ba.

ii. Palagi kitang kinokontra. Wala yatang segundo, minuto, oras na sumang-ayon ako sa mga sinasabi mo. Lahat na yata ng bagay pinagtalunan natin. Saan kakain, anong unang papanoorin, anong oras aalis, lahat. Kahit simpleng bagay lang, kinokantra kita. Nagtalo na rin tayo kung sinong mas nagmamahal sating dalawa, sinong mas ganito, mas ganyan. Sa mga seryosong usapan na pinagtatalunan natin, gustong-gusto ko kapag sinasabi mo lahat para lang mapaniwala ako. Madalas ginagawa ko lang ‘to para inisin ka, para asarin ka. Pareho kasi tayong ayaw magpatalo. Pero hindi ko maipaliwanag dahil madalas ikaw yung nagpaparaya, ikaw yung tatahimik na lang sabay sabihing, “Oo na, sige na.”

iii. Palagi akong nagsasalita. Lahat na yata ng detalye ng buhay ko, alam mo. Kahit simpleng ganito lang, kinukwento ko agad sayo. Ikaw palagi yung unang nakakaalam ng lahat ng nangyayari sakin. Bawat pangyayari sakin, ikaw yung unang may alam. Hindi pangalawa, hindi pangatlo, palaging ikaw yung una. Pakiramdam ko kasi ikaw lang ang gusto kong pagsabihan ng lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ko. Okay lang kahit hindi nila alam, basta alam mo. Sa daldal ko nga sa pagkukwento, minsan palagi na lang ako. Ako na lang palagi nagsasalita kapag magkasama tayo. Sabi mo naman okay lang, kasi gustong-gusto mong naririnig boses ko.

iv. Pero nung umalis ka, hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero hindi ako nakapagtanong, hindi ko nagawang kumontra, hindi ako nakapagsalita.

[escafeism]

I know what you're thinking. Sounds depressing. More like a tragedy. Love isn't always pretty. Sometimes you spend all your time hoping it'll eventually be something different. Something better. Then, before you know it, you're back to square one, and you lost your heart somewhere along the way.

Colleen Hover, Ugly Love

[escafeism]

Kaya kapag ikaw naka-anchor sa Diyos, hindi ka mapapalayo, hindi ka mawawala, hindi ka maliligaw.

M.S.

[escafeism]

i. I know I am against the odds. I know nobody will tell me that things are okay and everything will be worth it in the end. I don’t feel anybody’s support with this, really. I know I am in a mess for a very long time and instead of cleaning the mess I am in, I just let the trash fall and scatter all around me. I do nothing and I don’t actually care. I know there’s no point in feeling all these but I let my heart feel this way, anyway.

ii. I hear their voices telling me that this is enough, telling me to stop, and telling me that I am tired so I should give up, but I don’t listen to what they say. I don’t listen to anybody these days. I only want to hear your voice, your voice telling me the sweetest I love you, your voice telling me that you’ll come back. That’s all I want to hear.

iii. The wound that you left me is still scarred. It is still buried deep in my chest; burning every time I breathe and aching every time I move. I’ve been confined in this medical ward for a very long time but I don’t think a physician will be good enough to mend this. They think I’m still taking all the medications they gave me but I stopped, I stopped because I know no medicine will cure me. You’re the only medicine I need and I don’t know why they can’t see that. I’ve tried and I’m still trying to explain this to them but they don’t listen to me. The room I am in is the exact opposite of the world my heart is in right now. My heart is in the midst of the darkest shade of black that ever existed. I just wish that you’ll come back soon to give me some light.

iv. I wonder why I am still here. I can’t say that I am alive. I know blood is still flowing inside my system and I am still breathing and all the organs inside of me are still functioning… including my heart. I wonder what magic keeps my heart from beating. I wonder how I manage to breathe without you. All this time, I thought you were my air, that I needed you and I still believe in that because I know deep inside that I still need you. And more than that, I know for real and for sure that I still love you. The love in my heart never changed, not a bit. What happened with yours?

[escafeism]

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