Part 6/6 - No One Believes They're Dating
Written by @wardencommandershepard
Part 1 By @chalkituptofate
Part 2 By @spacevixen2024
Part 3 By @reformingclock
Part 4 By @sanguinemoonglitch
"I was so nervous, getting ready for tonight... but this was actually really nice."
"You sound surprised," he says, enjoying the feeling of her hand in his as he leads her through the labyrinthine maintenance tunnels of the Citadel. She smiles over at him, looking more relaxed than he's seen her in as long as he can remember. He hopes that, in some small way, it's a relief to her not to have to take the lead for once.
"Well, yeah," she says with a laugh, "everyone's been giving us such a hard time about being together. I mean, even the gardener has an opinion? And don't get me started on that car crashing into the restaurant. We can't even have one romantic dinner without lives at stake."
"Yeah… what was that about?" he says, troubled.
"I have no idea," she says, "maybe an engine problem?"
"No," he says with a laugh, "I mean, why is it so hard for everyone to believe we're together? It's…" how can he say this without bringing down the mood? "...discouraging."
"Oh, who cares?" she says, "they'll get over it eventually."
He'd like to adopt her cavalier attitude, but he can't shake the feeling that it would be a mistake not to address this. He has to make sure, one last time, that things are totally good between them; that there isn't a reason everyone except for them seems to think this is a bad idea.
"Shepard–" he begins, but she cuts him off with an exasperated groan so loud, so drawn out – several seconds longer than what seems necessary to get her point across – that he can't help but to give a short laugh of disbelief. He stops in his tracks. "What's that for?"
She turns to look at him. "Kaidan. Everybody can think what they like; they weren't there at Huerta when we set things right between us, and they weren't at Apollo's to hear how we feel about each other. Hell, most of them weren't even there on Horizon or Mars in the first place. My point is," she says, stepping forward to wrap her arms around his waist, "they aren't privy to the details of our relationship, and they shouldn't be. It's between you and me; we are the only two people who matter right now." She looks up at him with her big beautiful eyes.
"I'm so happy," she says quietly, the sweetest smile radiating from her. "Are you happy, Kaidan?"
"Impossibly happy," he says, his voice as soft as her lips as he leans down to kiss her. She smiles against his mouth.
"Okay, then," she whispers.
They walk along the dark back halls of the Citadel in companionable silence, hand in hand, when suddenly she shivers.
He frowns. I knew I should have worn a jacket to dinner… but I was so worried about overdoing it…
He puts an arm around her, running his hands up and down her arms and hoping that will be enough for now.
"You're so warm," she says, snuggling into him, "and you smell so nice. Is that motor oil I detect?"
He laughs. "Yeah, I guess we're both in need of a shower."
"I can't wait," she purrs.
"It makes no sense," Javik says. "Why would a secret mission in the hydroponic gardens be more important than fighting the war against the Reapers? And why must they pretend to mate?"
"We should know soon enough," Liara says, "I've already tapped the Asari councilor. Hopefully I can get more information, perhaps even help to further their goals."
"It doesn't make sense," James says to Javik, ignoring Liara, "I'm telling you, that's why it could only be a… sexual thing."
Having previously declined to be involved, Traynor can't help but to shout from her station: "Yes, but couldn't they also just… I don't know, be in a healthy, consensual sexual relationship?"
"No," Joker shouts, not bothering to turn around.
Shaking his head at Joker, Cortez turns to address Traynor properly.
"A long career on the frontlines can really change a person," he shouts, "especially Spec Ops." He turns back around, addressing the rest of the group with a quiet sigh. "They've both been through so much trauma… it's so sad to see them cope this way…"
"Okay, people," Garrus calls out, striding into the room, "I just got word that they've entered the docking bay. Everyone in position, and do not fuck this up." As everyone scrambles to their stations, he turns to face the two junior soldiers loitering on the bridge.
"Guard 1, you and Guard 2 understand your roles?"
"Yes sir," she confirms, snapping bolt-upright and ripping off a salute, "ready and able."
"You know, it's funny," he says, pulling his arm away from her shoulders, "despite the war and our Spectre status, whenever we're in visual range of the Normandy I still feel as nervous about fraternization as I did on the SR-1."
She takes hold of his hand, pulling it back around her as she flashes him a slightly predatory look. "Doesn't that make it all just a little hotter?"
He laughs as they step into the airlock, taking the small delay as an opportunity to kiss her again. When he pulls away, running his eyes down her body admiringly, he's struck by a sudden realization.
"Shepard," he says, "taking the maintenance tunnels meant we avoided any awkward questions on the Citadel… but the last anyone knew, we were going out for drinks. And now we're getting back covered head to toe in blood and debris. Your dress is torn and singed–"
The airlock doors open with a hiss, and he follows her onto the bridge as he continues: "how are we going to explain this?"
With a start, Kaidan turns to see Joker spinning slowly, ominously, around in his chair to face them.
"Well, well, well....." he says with a chuckle, channeling every villain in every old movie he had ever seen.
"Wow," he says, his smug expression turning to surprise as he finally completes his 180 degree turn, "you guys look like shit." He turns and murmurs something to EDI that Kaidan doesn't quite catch, looking bitterly disappointed. EDI seems apologetic.
Kaidan turns back around to see Shepard already halfway to the CIC – evidently sticking by her decision not to explain herself. He can't help but to smile admiringly as he jogs after her, noticing a junior officer speaking quietly into her comm.
"Guard 2," Shepard says, addressing her, "aren't you off-duty?"
"Private Westmoreland," Kaidan says, "and yeah, she's off til the morning. So's Private Campbell." Seeing the look on Shepard's face, he says under his breath, "Guard 1."
"We were just heading to our bunks, ma'am," Campbell says, executing a textbook salute before heading off with Westmoreland.
Shepard watches them go, turning to Kaidan once they're out of earshot.
"Something weird is going on."
"Yeah…" he says, looking over his shoulder to see Joker in the far distance, still watching them. He shudders.
"DAMN you two!" Vega says, sauntering up from the back of the CIC. "Must've been one hell of a date! What the hell kind of restaurant did you go to, anyway?"
"He's trying a little too hard to look casual." Shepard mutters under her breath as Vega approaches.
"C'mon!" he says, leaning in conspiratorially, "It's just me. Where'd you guys really go?"
Kaidan opens his mouth to explain about the skycar, but Shepard is quicker.
"Oh, you're right, James... we didn't go to a restaurant," she says, a sexy little smile on her lips with a voice like honey, "we went out to a sleazy little bar down in the Lower Wards – really raunchy place. Turns out it was a sex club…" she says, biting her lip for effect as she throws a burning look back at Kaidan, "things got… a little wild."
James's eyes bug out of his head, and it takes everything in Kaidan not to betray his own shock as Shepard grabs him by the wrist and pulls him to the elevator. When the doors close behind them, he can't help but laugh.
"I can't believe you said that," he says. She shrugs.
They step into the heavenly privacy of her quarters. When the doors slide closed behind him, she takes his belt into her hands.
"Let's get you out of those clothes, Major."
"Did it work?" Traynor says nervously, leaning over EDI's shoulder.
"You seem very invested in this, Specialist. Given that you've declined to place a bet," Liara observes, keeping her tone neutral.
"I couldn't care less what the Commander does in her spare time!" she says defensively, "but if I'm consulted for my technical expertise, then it becomes a matter of professional interest."
"Traynor's hack was successful," EDI says, "standby for analysis; estimated time: 20 minutes."
"Not bad," James says under his breath, with a little frown of respect.
"Yes! Thank you," Traynor says, standing up and giving a tiny celebratory fist pump, "Eat it, Alenko. Your blocks are no match for a real techie."
*Oh, I was talking about the Major," James says, eliciting a raised eyebrow from Joker. Looking down and off to the side, he murmurs, "err... Nevermind. Forget it."
"Wait--" Traynor says, a look of realization dawning on her face before James cuts back in.
"Hey, did you guys hear Shepard say they went to a sex club? Down in the Wards?"
The noise level in the cockpit rises to a modest roar, with everyone debating the likelihood of this new development. Just as Steve starts taking a few guesses "for the record" about which ones they may have been, EDI announces that her analysis is complete.
James glances down at his watch, nodding to himself approvingly.
"Okay, so…? What's the verdict? Is this all a cover, or do they have some kind of freaky sex thing?" Joker says, and all eyes turn to the synthetic woman at his side.
"My analysis does not seem to support either conclusion," she says. "After reviewing all data, the most likely explanation appears to be that Shepard and Major Alenko are in a genuine romantic relationship."
"Everyone, please! Let her talk!"
"I have formed this conclusion based on several factors: upon entering Shepard's private quarters, her conversation with Major Alenko seems to align closely with established norms for romantic partnerships: mutual claims regarding their depth of feeling for one another, expressing feelings of gratitude, and sharing their hopes for the future."
"Aw," Tali says, looking shyly at Garrus.
"Get to the naughty bits!" Donnelly calls from the back.
"Upon engaging in physical intimacy," EDI continues, "no weapons were detected, and no acts of violence or aggression occurred. Moreover, Major Alenko spent an above-average amount of time performing oral sex, indicating–"
"Ohhhhh YUCK," Joker says, "EDI, that's enough. Jesus!"
"I apologize, Jeff. I only meant to substantiate my claims; I will further decrease my 'T.M.I.' thresholds."
"Yeah, decrease them by a lot," James mutters.
"I could have spared us all this indignity if the purpose of this meeting was made clear to me sooner," Javik says, looking down at his fingertips with a mixture of boredom and disgust.
The room is silent for several moments, the raucous atmosphere totally deflated.
"I can't believe they're really back together, after all that's happened," Chakwas says, swirling a small snifter of brandy with a wistful air of romance.
"Yeah…" Joker says, "unless…"
"Wait," Garrus says, his mandibles suddenly flaring out in realization, "you don't think…?"
"Oh, man," Steve says, crossing his arms as he leans back against the nearest bulkhead, "I knew Shepard was dedicated to the mission, but I wouldn't have guessed she could be so cold."
"Poor bastard," James says, shaking his head, "doesn't even know. Fucked up. Really fucked up."
"I don't understand?" Traynor says, looking around at everyone solemnly shaking their heads.
"Isn't it obvious?" Liara says, "All this time, we have been operating on the assumption that this is a joint mission; but EDI's analysis makes it clear that Shepard is acting alone."
"Keelah," Tali says, "Poor Kaidan."
"Eh, he deserves it," Joker says, "he can be a real asshole. Ask me how I know."
A command barked from just aft of the cockpit sends a chill down every organic spine.
"ENOUGH!" Shepard shouts, "EDI, maintain course. Everyone else, to the CIC. Now."
She spins on her heel and marches straight past Kaidan, who's freshly showered and totally baffled. Everyone files past him to gather around the galaxy map, with Joker taking an exceptionally long time to hobble sullenly to his place.
"Cut it out, Joker," she says over her shoulder, "You're only delaying the inevitable, and I don't have all damn day." She mounts the ramp overlooking the map GUI, leaning over the podium in a manner both casual and utterly authoritative.
Kaidan isn't sure where to stand, but since sinking into the floor never to be seen again isn't an option, he stands slightly back from the rest of the crew.
"All of you, listen up. I'm saying this one time, and one time only. And after I've said my peace, it will be discussed no further. Am I clear?"
A scattered blend of "Yes, Ma'am,", "Aye Aye," and "Yes, Shepard" is heard as she surveys the crew. Satisfied, she pushes off from the podium and rises to her full height.
"It has come to my attention," she says dryly, clasping her hands formally behind her back, "that everyone in this fucking galaxy apparently believes that what's transpired between myself and the Major is too much for two people to get past."
One by one, she makes meaningful eye contact with every single one of the friends in front of her.
"I appreciate your friendly concern for our wellbeing; I do. But I have to call to your attention the fact that it's ultimately none of your fucking business. You can agree with us or not, but I don't want to hear another word about this." Turning around to walk down the ramp, she says without turning around: "Dismissed."
Kaidan is heading toward her when he sees Vega give Garrus a nudge, nodding sagely.
"Pretty aggressive," Vega says under his breath.
"Maybe it's because they didn't have the weapons…?" Garrus murmurs.
Turning to make his reply, Vega doesn't see Shepard reaching out to grab him by the collar.
"Lieutenant," she says through her teeth, "you're on widget duty with Adams for the next month."
"Oh, what did I do to deserve that??" Adams cries mournfully from the crowd.
"Listen to me, all of you!" she says, pushing James out of her grip and stepping deeper into the small sea of people surrounding her on all sides, "We've worked things out between us like adults, and we're happy!"
She turns to look at Kaidan, a smile spreading across her face that he can't help but to return. She turns to look back at the crew before continuing, "I love him, you idiots! Believe it or not, I just want to have a little happiness, just a little fucking normalcy in my life! I've gone through enough!"
"Sorry, Shepard," Garrus says, "for what it's worth, I'm glad to know you two are back on good terms."
"You two deserve to be happy," Tali cuts in, pulling up her omnitool and typing rapidly, "I'll remotely reinstall the surveillance blocks on your quarters, so you don't have to worry yourselves."
"Wait, what?" Kaidan says as Shepard takes his arm, "no, hold on. What??"
"Let's go," Shepard says to him, pulling toward the elevator, "I could use a nice boring stare out the Starboard Observation deck window right about now."
As everyone disperses, Joker limps back to his chair, spinning to face his console. He looks over at EDI.
"You heard all that, right? Yeah, I don't buy it."
After a short delay, EDI replies, "with Shepard's extensive tissue modifications, any evidence of knife play would be virtually impossible to detect."
Joker throws his hands up in frustration.
"THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!!!"
That's the end of this round -- I have a feeling there will be others :) Thank you everyone for reading along! ❤
