This post is about my sexual health and is absurdly TMI, but I am asking for responses.
After reading a bunch of lovely writings from bisexuals for the past few days I realized how badly I need to address my sexual health. Genuine vulnerable moment here, looking for the thoughts of the people of tumblr at large on the topic of what I believe to be transmasculine-specific sexual health concerns.* It's a lot of really personal shit about my body, but I can't think of anywhere else I would feel comfortable talking about it or where it would get any traction.
*When I say asking "tumblr at large" for input please know that I don't care to discriminate responses based on your backgrounds or positionalities, if you have even a shred of advice or compassion on the topic please offer it. You don't have to be transmasc you don't even have to be trans you just gotta help me feel less insane and alone. This has been bearing down on me too fucking long. .
TL;DR There's something wrong with the connection between my brain and my genitals and I think I'm unwell sexually speaking. I don't know how to phrase it other than that. There is both psychological and physical pain and friction when I or anyone else tries touching me intimately. The concerns I have feel nebulous and overwhelming and I know I need help from a professional but I don't know where to seek it out. I so badly want to be a more sexually fulfilled person and it feels impossible with whatever is going on with me.
More information/context below the readmore.
I am a certifiably sexual being. I so desperately want to do more both for myself and my partner. I do have a sex drive, my mind and heart swim with desires and fantasies and needs, but there's so much discomfort with the act of genital contact that it feels impossible to satisfy that part of me. Not even run-of-the-mill dysphoria and anxiety, there genuinely is some kind of physical dysfunction with touching my junk (feeling at best overstimulating and at worst painful) that I legitimately want to address and mitigate.
This has been a problem since puberty. I'm transmasc, almost 29 years old, have been on T almost 10 years, and have had a total hysterectomy with cervix, both ovaries, and tubes all being removed as well. I have significant bottom growth that makes me feel incredibly euphoric but it feels like it doesn't fucking matter if no one can touch it for too long. Not my doctor, not my partner, not even me. Usually I can't even wash the area thoroughly. I didn't have my first orgasm until I was 20 years old and bottom growth had started, and even then it wasn't through direct contact. I was using a toy. Most of the time I have to use toys or there has to be some kind of barrier between my t-dick and whatever is touching it, usually manifesting as through-the-clothes contact only. I can get off this way but that just isn't what I want to be doing forever. That caveat is what makes me think it probably isn't just a physical problem, this has to be at least partially a mental block.
Who do I even go to about this? Gynecology? Sex therapist? Pelvic floor therapy? Wait til bottom surgery? What is even wrong with me? Is this literally just a severe form of dysphoria and I'm overreacting trying to make it something else? I'm not a sexual assault survivor. No specific trauma around my vagina that I can think of other than in medical settings, and in those cases I can't tell if the discomfort came before I started needing pelvic exams or after they tried and failed to do my first one. Because I make doctors put me to sleep with propofol for any procedures involving the vagina, I've never been penetrated while conscious and likely never will be, especially if my tenuous plans for metoidioplasty go through someday. The tissue of my t-dick doesn't even look visibly irritated or unhealthy. I feel like I'm malfunctioning.
And just to be clear I'm going to ask my primary doctor about this the next time I see her because I genuinely feel like I'm at a breaking point with my body, but I want to see if anyone else in the community can resonate or relate with this phenomenon.
I thought you would appreciate to know someone is coming back to your blog daily excited to see more of your DBHC au. No pressure to make more mind you just love your art and stuff. All of it honestly is amazing.
Wahh, thank you so much!! I get a lot of asks like these and I struggle to sit down and answer them because i hate to sound repetitive/don't know what to say, but know that if any of you have sent me a sweet ask, dbhc or otherwise, it is read and appreciated so so so much!! I appreciate you guys so much and you're all way too sweet :( so thank you for your kind words, it means the world!! <3
I was really hoping to work on Destruction over my Thanksgiving break, but i ended up with covid :( so i've been sickly and slowly working on work things that i need to catch up on, and I haven't had so much time to work on dbhc as much as i'd like to, unfortunately ;.;
BUT!! since spotify wrapped is out, i'm planning on rearranging my Top 100 Songs playlist to include some dbhc character playlist songs and basically compile a top-100 playlist full of songs i'd like to draw stuff for, that way we can do the Spotify Wrapped Drawing challenge again this year :D So!! Look forward to that :D I'd honestly like to stream and work on that! so we'll see >:3
But anyway, short little life update aside, thank you guys so much for your kind messages and things :] I appreciate it so much! <3
I am having the worst day and just really need hugs and cuddles 😔
One of my best friends has to get 2 emergency surgeries today and due to COVID I can't be there to support her and her husband. I feel so useless and helpless and ugh
Both surgeries are risky and I don't know how to deal. We've been friends for 10 years
The more I muse about it the more I feel I may be of a third gender. For years I've said yeah I'm part man, part something else, but lately that "something else" is making up the majority of my identity, and "man" is just an accessory I wear. All I want for myself is ambiguity, to match with the ambivalence towards gendered presentation that I have had for years. I'm still okay with he/him pronouns because for like Job and Safety Reasons my passing as male is important but I'm gonna start putting my info as they/he so people prioritize neutrality for me. Not sure agender is the right word for me yet but it might be when it comes down to it. That or neutrois is where I'm leaning. Still very comfortable with genderqueer but that's more of a delightfully vague umbrella title so I want something else under there.
It's interesting that these feelings kinda developed with the progression of my physical transition since my goals remain "appearing as close to sexually featureless as possible." Top surgery done, hysterectomy done, 10ish years on testosterone. (SLIGHTLY TMI) I do enjoy having a tdick but otherwise I've known for years that want my shit sewn shut. If a surgeon could make me null in the crotch and I'd retain 100% of my prior sexual sensation I would do it in a heartbeat. (TMI OVER)
Making a scarcely seen original shepfax post to offer some shepfax patch notes (updates about the cat who puts pictures on your dashboard)
Back in September I came to Poland to study abroad for the semester. It's been absolutely incredible, life-changing in a way that I can't really articulate. people told me studying abroad changes your life and I didn't really get what they meant but I feel like I do now? Living in a foreign culture that is truly foreign to me (like I don't have a lick of Polish ancestry or anything I just came here because it was interesting) helped me find a lot of new and existing energy in me.
I feel more comfortable in my general weirdness because I dress and act very differently than Poles but they don't give a damn at all. That hypervigilance about "everyone is looking at me" is stupid and a waste of my time. the only reason it matters is because I want people to see the cool stuff I've magpie'd and stuck on myself. mom asked me what I'd like as a nicer Christmas gift this year and I said a full on hooded woolen wizard cloak. Enough settling for mundanity I want WHIMSY.
so thankfully I think traveling has made me a little more introspective, more reflective, using my self-awareness as actual awareness rather than self-hatred repackaged. it might seem totally disconnected but I started calling myself a therian while I was here lol. I just feel like the nature of my Self makes more sense to me now that I've put that Self in a completely alien context (airdropped my ass into a tourism hub in central-eastern Europe for 3 months). Now that I know what I look like somewhere else I feel better about how I show up in familiar spaces.
I have to go home on Dec 20th and it's a mix of "yippee my wife my cat!! Christmas with family and my favorite foods and traditions!! Actually having income again!!!!!" and "please no don't put me back in the torture nexus I can't do it I'm not strong enough please" I am legit dreading being back in the US after watching shit burn from the outside. also the idea of going through security/customs to re-enter the US as a trans person. Ouuuahghe
P.S. I made a little substack blog so my family and coworkers could follow along with me, it's full of photos and anecdotes so If you would like to read that just send me an ask off-anon and I'll link it to ya!
Okay if I am like genuinely averse to using social media of any kind but I still want somewhere to post art where I could still get commissions, what's the site/app of choice? The only one I absolutely will not use is Twitter but I'm open to like, a distant relationship with a place like Instagram. For the past several years all my comms have come from friends on Discord and that's not really a "post your art to an audience" type platform unless I'm simply not in the right servers. It's been a long time since I consistently put my art anywhere other than places among friends and, while I am acutely aware that art is about more than an audience, multiple occasions have arisen where my friends show my art to their friends and inevitably the friend asks where to follow my work. And I got nothin
Deltarune chapter 5 is out and I'm stuck at work. Manning the drop-in hours at an office on a university campus. You know. A university campus in the middle of June. Not exactly a hotbed of activity. It's dead as fuck and I'm just gonna be sitting here for 7 hours trying to dodge spoilers in silence!!!!!!!
