Deadpool/Sheriff Stilinski?
[this is 1.9k of not-fic. the fic i would've written if i wanted to put effort into it]
I just read a fic in which the Sheriff is fairly badass and takes down an attacker with hand to hand combat... and am now wondering what that crackship would look like
Someone hires DP to take out the sheriff maybe?
Wade arrives in Beacon hills, the pack goes to investigate him (all wolves are KO'd by his terrible and overwhelming scent). Stiles and human ish friends take the lead in the investigation and find DP lurking around the police station
Wade concludes that the Sheriff is not someone he wants to kill. Sheriff is very wary and has heard vaguely of DP from NYC but now googles him and is even more wary
But DP doesn't have evidence tying murders back to himself
He has several weapons tho (and the pack totally side eyes him but he doesn't smell like wolfsbane so)
Wade doesn't intend to stay for long, but the sheriff corners him like "you have a lot of weapons on you, are they registered?"
wade starts to deflect with his wall of speech, but the sheriff has plenty of experience with Stiles' talking
Something something Wade offers to spar with the sheriff, practice hand to hand combat, no weapons
Sheriff is like.. that flexibility is insane. Wade decides that this really isn't a fair fight so he gives Sheriff some weapons and is like "go crazy, I bounce back!"
Sheriff does not like the thought of hurting wade on purpose, even if wade encourages it
Wade totally flirts with him. At this point Wade hasn't shown an inch of skin, but the sheriff decides that Wade doesn't mean any harm and so asks if he wants dinner.
Wade is like.. ok you probably don't make any money at all, let me buy you dinner.
Wade is Horrified at the food options in beacon hills. There is no mexican food !!!111!!1!1!
Wade is like "I don't think we can date, this is not a long term solution, I can't live here with no mexican food"
they eventually decide on a diner and wade gets a stack of pancakes. sheriff looks super sus when he orders a burger/steak, wade asks why
"my son has the entire town watching what I eat"
and Wade is like... scrutinizing the sheriff and nodding sagely. then he whispers to the sheriff that he'll sneak the guy some fried food, but only occasionally
He instantly wins points with the sheriff
Anyway, sheriff clocks wade as ex-military, sheriff says he used to be ex-military too. Wade tells him he was discharged dishonorably, but because he refuses to blindly follow orders
thus winning more points with the sheriff
Wade also goes on a tangent about Cable (LBR i'm not letting go of the cablepool. Comics!cable) ("If you see a big hunk o' man, 'bout this tall and this wide, with a big awesome gun, don't shoot him! He might be looking for me."
Sheriff frowns. "Is he threatening you?"
Wade is so touched, but no. "Aww! He's my boyfriend from the future. Don't ask. Might fuck up the timeline. But he bodyslides--by that I mean he teleports--and we totally have an open relationship because he can't be here all the time. I have needs!")
Anyway, they start eating and Wade finally pulls up his mask, and Sheriff doesn't do a double take but he def is caught off-guard by wade's face. esp the sores splitting open and healing in real time in front of him.
Wade catches him staring and is like.. sorry? Maybe I should've warned you
Sheriff shakes his head and goes back to eating, he's seen weirder stuff
Anyhow, they wrap up the meal and wade just throws handfuls of cash down (they smell like mexican food)
Sheriff side eyes him but isn't going to question where the money came from, but he does wonder about a person who spends money so carelessly
They're outside the diner when there are wolf howls, sheriff listens - and it doesn't sound like the regular howls, it sounds more threatening. He tells wade, "you should make your way to a hotel"
and wade is like "is something exciting going on?!"
something something wade ends up arriving at a fight scene in the forest covered in TP, streamers, a few rats on his head
and he witnesses the alpha pack totally owning the beacon hills pack
he's like... "Ok so who are the good guys here?" and goes on to answer his own question "Ok no wait those are kids, hands off the kids!"
and he single handedly takes down the alpha pack. guns don't work super well on the rest of their bodies, but taking them out through the eye holes gives him a lot more time to work with. And obviously he cuts them in half a la peter hale
sheriff later shows up and wade is like.. covered in blood but also various (healed) injuries. Sheriff is wary again
but the pack is like "he saved us"
wade gives sheriff a look and is all "did anyone train these kids before you sent them out to fight? Why are you even sending kids out to fight?!"
derek be all "I was training them!"
wade is like.. excuse moi? you suck at fighting
sheriff is like.. i got here as fast as I could but these kids have not been giving me up to date information. If it were up to me, they wouldn't be fighting at all
stiles and company: you know werewolves exist??
wade is like... ok sure you might be wolves, but you know you can take enemies out a lot more efficiently with a gun, even if you're a wolf, right?
Derek be like "we don't need guns!!!"
wade giving them a flat look... turns to look at sheriff...
sheriff negotiates things so wade sticks around to show these kids some pro moves, because seriously, if they're going to get into trouble anyway, the least he can arm them with is self defense skills
the next day wade does a training exercise with the pack and he takes derek down super easily, sheriff is standing around to keep an eye on them
wade skips straight to having the whole pack come at him, he makes sure to ID the humans first because no healing factor, and stiles is like "but I have magic"
wade takes down the wolves easily, then works out a trade with them - a talisman for magic protection in exchange for teaching these kids self defense (the talisman is actually for cable, he doesn't care about himself)
Sheriff sticks around for a bit of self defense lesson and is Suitably Impressed
And thus they have dinner again sometime
obviously wade also does all kinds of strange things that make the sheriff and pack scratch their heads, and every tuesday he hires a taco truck to drive up from san francisco so he can have Actual Mexican Food
it's a bit of a win-win - kids learn some actual fighting skills (including derek lol) and wade gets to feel good about himself because he's teaching kids to protect themselves
sheriff invites him over for dinner one day and cooks the only thing he knows how to (wade was bunking over in some empty shops at first, then a motel/apartment)
training kids takes A While because they also have school to go to in the day (wade bums around town, gets to know people, pokes around in the police station's cold cases, breaks into their evidence locker and looks at their confiscated weapons)
(by now the sheriff is like 'please put everything back where you found them')
(obviously the sheriff would be the daddy in this relationship even though wade is probs fairly old himself)
wade comes around more often to the sheriff's place and leaves a few frozen food wrappers around
he actually catches derek sneaking out of stiles' window a few times lol
(hmmmm i wonder how wade would react to steterek, he would probs warn peter off but...?)
Through all of this, wade probably hits on sheriff. and he and stiles get along very well with the pop culture references, although they both talk so much that i honestly don't know if they're going to listen to each other
(oh but one day cable visits and wade talks his ear off, and cable just replies like this is a normal thing. sheriff's eyebrows go up. he already knew that they were boyfriends, but it's still nice to see someone else treating wade well and like a person. beacon hills is good to wade after a period of adjusting, but the sheriff gets the idea that wade isn't super comfortable with his own looks
when he gets a moment alone with the sheriff, Cable is like.. thanks for being around for wade, i can't be here all the time because I'm needed in the future. sheriff is like.. what do you do in the future?
cable is all.. trying to prevent world collapse
and the sheriff is like... there's people like wade who kill bad guys vigilante style, and then there's a whole other level of killing because the entire world is at stake, a la cable
he's probably going to choose to turn a blind eye to these killings that are not in his town, otherwise it's going to get messy real fast
actually i think the sheriff would want to know how he can help prevent world destruction, but cable is like.. keep doing what you're doing now. and maybe less food waste, less pollution would help thanks
maybe wade and sheriff are sleeping together by this point? Maybe cable joins them for a threesome?
the bed is going to break if cable joins in. the bed gets very broken and stiles is like.. dad? why are you getting a new bed? why is your bed in pieces
sheriff: because there are some things even a telekinetic can't fix cable: don't worry, i'm paying for the replacement
stiles very firmly does not want to know)
you know, at some point maybe wade moves into the stilinski residence "temporarily"
and with wade sticking around in BH, werewolves are like... honestly not quite as crazy to have around as some people might think
the pack gets better at fighting, wade is still weak against anything magical, and at some point TBH the pack gives him a magic talisman (the other one he already gave to cable) because BH is still a place being attacked by magical creatures
actually wade becomes an honorary member of the pack. i'm not sure how they deal with his scent though. but there are certain areas in the stilinski house that stiles wards off so derek's nose can have a break
also, because BH is still a small town, wade sometimes wanders away to have authentic mexican food not from a food truck. he probs also takes other jobs from elsewhere
and he's going to track down the person who wanted the sheriff dead, and end them because he can't be around all the time to keep an eye on the sheriff
if ellie is around in this world, he probably checks in with her, and maybe she comes to visit him in BH (or he goes back to the east coast to visit her)
maybe nate brings hope over too at some point or other, and suddenly there are like 3 kids in the stilinski household. they even take a picture with everyone in it!
cable probably smells like metal to the pack, but an odd kind of metal
ok that is it for now, we'll just say they all get to live happily ever after