Attraction 101: Confidence Over Desperation (pt 1)
Attraction Principle #2:
The women who have men climbing the walls for them aren't always exceptional. Often, they are the ones who don't appear to care that much.
This principle can feel nearly impossible to put into practice if you struggle with insecurities. But learning to embody it is essential.
Step One: Stop Chasing
Do not:
Call or text him first.
Seem needy or overly available.
Talk about how you’re dying to get married.
Plan dates for the two of you.
As Sherry Argov says, it’s about “holding your own in a relationship.”
You might be thinking:
“But I do want to get married! I don’t want to waste my time, so I should tell him my intentions upfront.”
“I just want to share about my day or ask him to share about his!”
I get it. I’ve been there. But unfortunately, doing any of these things sends a very different message. It signals desperation—that he already has you in the palm of his hand. This will only make him wonder just how much power he has over you, how much you’re willing to tolerate, just to keep him in your life. And the harsh truth? It will erode your self-esteem even further.
A Personal Story
When I was 21, I was in a relationship where my boyfriend literally said to my face: “I have you in the palm of my hand.”
At the time, I thought it was a wild thing to say. But deep down, I knew it was true. I thought I was in love. I believed I couldn’t do better, and he could sense my insecurity—my desperation to be loved and chosen. I thought that by being extra nice, doing more for him, and proving my love, he’d eventually love me back just as deeply. But that never happened. He just kept taking and taking, offering nothing in return.
To give you some perspective: he was a high school dropout, three years older than me. I was in college, working a higher-paying job, and thought this would make me valuable in his eyes. I believed, “Surely, he wouldn’t risk losing me. I’m great!” But despite these surface-level "advantages," he knew he was in control.
Why Confidence Matters
As Argov states, “Men need a mental challenge.” This doesn’t mean winning arguments or being more educated than him. It’s about exuding confidence and self-respect. He should know—without you ever saying it—that you’re not afraid to walk away if he disrespects you.
Here are some ways to avoid looking like you have lesser value in his eyes:
Don’t be too available. When he asks when he can see you, don’t say “anytime.” Don’t rearrange your plans to accommodate him. He needs to work around your schedule.
Don’t cancel plans for him. That yoga class, gym session, or time with friends? Keep them. Let him see you value your commitments.
No late-night hangouts. Avoid last-minute or late-night “come over” invites. It’s disrespectful. Politely decline and let him know you already have plans.
Don’t pay on dates. If he invites you out, let him pay. Kindly thank him for dinner with a smile. Don’t reach for your wallet—it sets the wrong precedent.
Lessons Learned the Hard Way
In my early 20s, I made the mistake of paying on dates. For instance, on my first date with Martin, I pulled out my wallet and paid for breakfast—even though he had asked me out. I thought I was making a statement about independence, challenging traditional gender roles. And while he was pleasantly surprised, it set the tone for our entire relationship. Once we started dating, he never offered to pay. He assumed I’d cover everything, and I did—for seven whole months.
Eventually, I grew tired of always giving. When I stopped, he was confused and upset because that’s what I had taught him to expect.
Final Thoughts
Remember, being confident and holding your own doesn’t mean playing games or pretending you don’t care. It means valuing yourself enough to let him show his interest through action, not just words. He needs to see that your time is valuable, your self-worth isn’t dependent on him, and you won’t settle for less than you deserve.
You are the prize. Never forget that.
