#shewasholy

[shewasholy]

𝑑𝑜 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑏𝑒𝑙𝑖𝑒𝑣𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝑔𝑜𝑑? i believe in the 𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐥𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞. the hands around my throat are harsh, the fingers roughly digging into the soft flesh of my neck, yet they never press hard enough to end me. i believe in the lies i've been fed, the 𝗂͟ 𝗅͟𝗈͟𝗏͟𝖾͟ 𝗒͟𝗈͟𝗎͟𝗌 whispered in my ear before pushing my head underwater; in the knife cutting me wide open⠀─⠀the blood spilling on the carpet floor is 𝓻𝐞𝐝, passionate shade of something i can't have. love is violent and violence is god. 𝑔𝑜𝑑 𝑖𝑠 𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑑, 𝑙𝑜𝑣𝑒 𝑖𝑠 𝑘𝑖𝑛𝑑. not to me. they burn and wound and rot. do you rot for your god? do you bleed for your god? are you willing to be the 𝘢͟𝘣͟𝘶͟𝘴͟𝘦͟𝘥, for a god that makes you believe you want to be destroyed? 𝑡𝘩𝑒𝑟𝑒'𝑠 𝑠𝑜 𝑚𝑢𝑐𝘩 𝑏𝑙𝑜𝑜𝑑. it's yours. 𝑖𝑡'𝑠 𝑦𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑔𝑜𝑑. there is no god.

[shewasholy]

sorry, but i am not sorry

you trail your teeth down my throat

and i let you because i am starved

for something less than love

your hands grip the flesh on my hips,

pushing me down on the bed that dips

under the weight of us—

such an unholy word,

it drips like sea water,

salt staining your lips as they kiss

the cuts

of a thousand words thrown around

like fine silver hurled

against the ground,

and a rose's thorn delving in my skin

from the flowers you bought

to make me forget your sins.

it hurts,

but you know as much.

just as you know i'd let you in

despite the blood

and all of the horrible things

said and done

like that wretched word

clinging on the tip of my tongue —

gods, make me forget

we ever sounded like us.

[shewasholy]

i wrote to you

three hundred

sixty-five letters—

but the only one

you'll ever hold

is a telegram.

[shewasholy]

someone once told me that who my parents are does not define who i am, but truth is, i am my parents' child. i cannot wash their blood off of my veins, it doesn't matter how much i try to purge it out. i'll never be anything more than this agglomeration of anger and guilt, of every mistake my father ever made, every tear my mother ever shed. there's nothing more to me, i'm afraid this is all i will ever be — my parents'.

their child.

[shewasholy]

when abel was born, eve said nothing. he might've been god's favorite, but he was also his mother's disgrace.

[shewasholy]

to whom do you pray to, when you've got god's blood in your mouth?

[shewasholy]

i wish i could save you from

the monster you chose

( i love you,

you brought this on yourself. )

[shewasholy]

how dare you think you're holy enough to be saved? rotten children can't escape the maggots.