#shif writes

[shifuto]

2/365

you can't help but to fall in love, huh? something as hopeless as that it shouldn't be but it is

and you can't help it

and you fall again and again and again

and you hope it will pass (because it always does) because what would be different this time? it shouldn't be

but you can't help it

[shifuto]

the biggest plot twist in all history is Nightow edging the readers with Wolfwood's near-death experiences throughout the story, but having him come back every

single

time

when his actual death was foreshadowed from the moment he appeared, and every single other moment he was on screen

the time he is about to die die, you cannot quite believe it because he survived everything thus far ー and he is one of the main characters, too ー so you might not really believe it when he sounds like that's going to be his last talk with Livio, and how he's thinking hard and deep about all the "lessons" learned through Vash..

and he is the one who actively chooses death in the end

I don't think that was an accident. He knew what he was doing and he knew he would not have another chance to settle the score with Chapel and end the cycle of violence against his family, the orphanage, and kids being taken from there to join the Eye of Michael

he passed the baton to Vash, who would then live on, and was the one person who was on the same page as him about his goals (or rather, Vash changed Wolfwood's goals)

his death was significant to the plot, yes, but man, it still makes me mad considering all the circumstances around it. He survived so much shit, just to die in some dumb-as-fuck way in the end. Oh well, it happens I guess

[shifuto]

I guess one of the silver linings of abandonment issues is that, as you get older and stop giving a shit, not only you expect people to leave, you don't really get hung up on them anymore

"oh nooo what am I going to do?! I just have to change so they like me, right? There's something definitely wrong with me that I need to fix and then I'll finally be loved! Now is a great time to obsess over someone!!"

"oh nooooo I'm gonna die alone!!!"

"oh nooo I'm so worthless and unwanted T^T"

versus..

"oh alright, it's fine👍"

"I might die alone, I'll be fine though 👍"

"They don't want me? Skill issue 😎 I'm quite the catch if I do say so myself 👍"

[shifuto]

whenever I start feeling sad about being single or lonely I just need to remind myself that I have done A LOT of work on myself. Spent a fuck ton of money/effort/time on bettering myself FOR MYSELF and I prioritize my peace of mind and quality of life above all else

most people I've met and most people I will meet have not done this (and many will not). It's likely they won't be able to reach me half way, and I'll always be the one having to meet them where they are. It's exhausting as fuck

whenever I start feeling sad about loneliness, I have this bitter reminder that this is the price I paid to live more authentically and yes, it is very alienating. It drives people away, but that's fine: they would not fit in my life. Whenever I start feeling bad about wanting a relationship I think about how my "very high standards" are the bare minimum for me (and are things I do for myself and for others). I think about how I am too "picky" and too "strict" and about how I'd just settle if I had less options - but I would not! I'm very much fine on my own, and will continue to be

I think about how it's very likely I'll remain alone/single for the rest of my life, about how that will cause me a lot of pain and grief, and about just how much more I'll spend on therapy just to deal with it, but that's fine too. That aside, I'm pretty happy with myself and with my life currently. I have friends and things to do and to look forward to. I have passions and hobbies.. so many things

they can't meet those needs, but it's still pretty good XD I can work on the pain and grief as it comes

[shifuto]

me a few years ago: *accidentally mentions having a rape kink* my therapist at the time: *starts writing faster* my ocd-riddled ass: aw fuck oh shit goddammit they're gonna fucking report me it's so over *panics* me now: *talks about having a huge scope of fucked up kinks* therapist: *starts writing faster* me: and can you believe people have an issue with me when I'm just here minding my own business on my own personal space? therapist: mhmmm me: this is not even just online. Being kinky in public will get people staring and being outright aggressive. Don't even get me started on the whole "being trans" too therapist: that sounds rough me: you tell me!

having some feelings today about this. You can never really win when people have decided to misunderstand you, or if they have some kind of personal agenda or issues or simply do not vibe with you. That's fine. You keep on doing you

you don't have to change for anybody

life is hard enough as it is. Go have fun with your kinks and if people try to start shit just tell them it's a skill issue on their part XD

[shifuto]

hmm I think neurodivergence* should be taught somewhere. Because, maybe, people would have a better understanding of mental health (and the big scope of developmental and/or neurological conditions) outside of things like "depression" and "anxiety". It would, maybe, avoid things like diagnosing undesirable, "bad" traits people have and making out boogeymen out of them (narcissists and people with bpd, etc). Could help stop trivializing triggers and all kinds of issues people have with accommodations, too.. so many other things

what made me think about it these days was that I noticed in a local community just how much infighting happens because a bunch of the members are likely autistic, have flat affect, difficulty reading social cues and can be very blunt and insensitive without meaning to; while a bunch of others in this community probably do not understand autism and just think people are being rude for no reason, so they lash out and it gets pretty bad........... in the end of the day, everyone is on the edge and no one is happy

how can you understand each other when you cannot understand each other? It's different brain processes, it's different internal rules, it's different perspectives about the same things. It would be helpful to know

I don't have an answer. I'm just thinking. Navigating having different brains is difficult because, many times, the clusters of someone's traits and behaviors (and symptoms, too), clashes with another person's. You have to find compromises, you even might have to make sacrifices too. Coexisting can be a very hard task

thinking about how most my current friends are autistic. About how there's a bunch of people on the spectrum around me, and around the people close to me, too. About how often I'm mistaken for being on the spectrum myself and for how many years I thought this would explain why I am like this (but it's just other stuff, my brain is weird. Brains are weird). About how people literally do not understand (or make an effort at understanding) anything that strays from the "norm". I'm also thinking about how me and my friends and these other people are expected to fit into boxes, when people who already have their boxes don't bother with how traumatic and painful the process can be to us. Thinking about how my divergencies affect your divergencies, and your divergencies affect her divergencies, and her divergencies affect their divergencies, and so on and so forth

I don't know, man. This can be a pain :/ I don't have energy to educate people. I don't have the patience either. It's a thankless job, really

*I mean it broadly, not just autism or adhd. If you brain works differently than what's socially expected, it's neurodivergent

[shifuto]

well this deserves its own post doesn't it?

I liked Boku no Hero Academia's ending quite a lot. It made me emotional in a very bittersweet way, and I'm glad Horikoshi didn't do any of the things I was afraid they would happen because.. this is shonen

but no, it was actually pretty fucking gay

we love to see it :D

considering how I started (and even years before that, actually! BNHA was one of those stories I was introduced to through porn lmao), this ending was very nice and satisfying :3

[shifuto]

felt like writing an actual post after getting through the entirety of Sadistic Beauty + the 2 epilogues in one sitting.. and this is going to look pretty rough because I've been awake for 2 days lmao

(this will be mainly about the Side B story)

the whole series basically revolves around Byun Minho. He's a piece of shit. He's insecure and immature as fuck, he has an inferiority complex and won't measure his words when putting others down so that he can feel better about himself (spoiler alert: it doesn't make him feel better). Every single person in his life dislikes him or come to dislike him at some point. He is utterly alone, but he still brags and cusses, manipulates and lie so that he can get on top. Cool

the long story short of how everything came to be: he and Duna end up dating at some point (because she used to be insecure as hell and, naively, took his "critique" to heart - when he was just doing that out of jealousy since she [and literally everyone else] was a better writer than Minho), he shit talks her in front of others behind her back and that's it for their "love". Duna end up involved with Wookyung (who was eying her from the start and hated Minho's guts) and gets into BDSM thanks to him, yay \o/. Stuff happens and Duna ends up getting an award and, instead of feeling happy for her, Minho is sulking and crying like a baby because he lost. Wookyung sees that and flips the fuck out: that starts this 7 years long obsession of his

throughout the whole story Minho is an absolute piece of shit, who doesn't change, then it looks like he changed, but then it does it all over again. He's impulsive too and that's why he's broke, he keeps on wasting money he doesn't have, he's hoping to get a job if he keeps on buttering his boss up

enters Cha Wookyung, again. He's also a piece of shit. He's a batshit insane piece of shit. He knows Minho's strengths and weaknesses and just exactly how to strike his ego to get him. Without him knowing his involvement, he gets him to quit his job, traps him with promises of money and fame, isolate him from others and strikes. He rapes Minho once but Duna saves him. They get back together briefly, but Minho distances himself when Wookyung revealed he slept with her back when they fought. And this whole drama helped Duna to actually break free from both of them. She never felt loved and she knew she deserved better

at one point, Minho is completely screwed. He has nothing and no one to turn to, and he has no money so he would end up in the streets. Wookyung promised he would help as long as Minho reached out first, which he does

their descent into madness is steady then..

Wookyung thoroughly breaks Minho, physically and mentally. He pushes his "love" and affection as much as he could, through violence and money and more, but he couldn't have Minho's heart - at first because of Duna, but then he realizes that he never really stood a chance (Minho is straight) and he would not have him if not by force. Minho fall into a depression that drives him to attempt suicide, and Wookyung deals with feelings he couldn't understand, things that could not be quenched by power and money alone: how could he make Minho love him back, even though he thought Minho's feelings towards him didn't really matter as long as they were together?

both were deeply lonely, and there was some comfort knowing they had each other but this was not enough at all. Wookyung can't stand the thought of Minho dying (considering he had to see his body) and set him free

but it was already too late. They were already enmeshed irreversibly

there's no happy ending for them. And how they have "changed" happened in such way that would leave them in a codependent relationship with each other because they both feel isolated from their peers, and being together was better than loneliness, even if they were bad for each other

Minho doesn't love him back, but I can see Wookyung becoming someone even more important to him over time, even though he was coerced the whole time

it's likely they'll never experience this kind of twisted connection, devotion and obsession with anyone else but each other, it's likely they will never find that kind of unconditional "love" in other people, either. They can heal, for sure, but that would mean part with each other and I don't think they would want that after everything

this is a great example of two fucked up people so bad for each other but it's best that way so they don't get anyone else involved in their relationship or with themselves

...

I ran out of batteries but I really loved their characterization. Minho is a prideful arrogant dipshit who's turned into a submissive through violence and humiliation; Wookyung is a possessive sadist who people-pleases and pushes his affection forcefully onto whoever he is obsessed with

it's interesting seeing their personalities changing as the story goes on.. a lively Minho eventually stops resisting or caring, falls into addiction, eventually tries to kill himself; a confident Wookyung becomes more and more insecure and unstable, throwing his own career away, much like what he's done with Minho

and another surprising aspect is how, as the story progresses and their feelings get more complicated, the S&M aspect fades away - understandably so, considering a lot of the BDSM in this story is not truly a kink but a tool used for control, coercion and violence. With less need for control, submission and dominance are not as necessary or visible anymore