#shitstatus

[caitrionaandthediamonds]

Really excited for tonight💕 bought a cute dress, have wine🍷 just need to get work over me tho 👎

[roopert14]

Facebook's Fatal Four: A sad status of affairs

“Rough as Ken! Why don’t McDonalds deliver?”

Seriously, let’s use our brains here. This is McDonalds we’re discussing. I am sure that the management team arrived at the conclusion a long time ago, that a delivery service in the UK is not financially viable unless they decide on charging £10 for a Big Mac.

I’m really sorry but you’re going to have to go to the effort of driving all the way to the nearest Maccies and lean out of your car window, push four digits into a keypad and collect your brown bag of coronary blockades. 

Granted, it is a shame that Banana milkshakes can’t be brought direct to your door, I can empathise with that but please, please stop asking the same question every Sunday morning! Your farcical fast food requests are to Facebook newsfeeds what McFlurries are to blood vessels.

P.S. Hangovers are generally caused by dehydration – I find a pint of Vimto before sleepy time is a good call.

P.P.S. Who is Ken?

“Big Brother is so sh*t!”

 I don’t need your reviews, thanks. I know full well that it’s television for the already lobotomised. Don’t complain about something you have full control of. Is your remote control missing batteries? Press the button. Next…

“If you’ve got something to say, then say it to my face”

Define hypocrisy. 

Now check the dictionary for the meanings of ‘absolute’ and ‘embarrassment’ then copy them out onto lined paper until your eyes fall from their sockets. You may use a pencil but not a pen - strictly no pens allowed. 

In fact I’ve been too kind to this status. I’ve been sympathetic enough to lend it correct spelling and punctuation. Thankfully, I see this status less often as when someone is guilty of sharing such atrocities they are immediately erased from my friends list.

Go and tell Jeremy Kyle and be sure to wear your cleanest dirty Carlotti tee-shirt.

“Never drinking again. Rough is not the word.”

Liar, fabricator, falsifier!

‘Never reading a thesaurus again!’

To claim I have read an Oxford’s Thesaurus from cover to cover is almost as ridiculous as pretending you have sworn to a life of sobriety. 

Here’s my revamped version of the aforementioned status:

“Well, after a rather heavy night of alcohol intake last night, I am now feeling the after effects and have taken refuge on the couch in hope of a speedy recovery. In future I should probably moderate my drinking as I am obviously highly susceptible to the effects of alcohol.”

Admittedly, it’s less dramatic and lacks punch but it’s not complete bullshit.