#shittiaradoes

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my goal for this year is to impress myself and prove to myself that I am capable, intelligent and resilient. also to exude confidence from my pores to the point that even I believe it.

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IM THING

i got the IM thingy, reblog this and let me know if you need a message shot your way :D

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Streaming Me Fucking up in TFTB

http://www.twitch.tv/queendicktoobomb

doin tales from the borderlands

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So i found a store that sells army surplus in the size i need, and they dont have any patches or labels on them so thats good. So I should be able to do my Gina Paulklee Cosplay for youmacon. I still may try to do Nick, but I’d need to go buy some contouring makeup for sure. 

Youmacon lineup

Paulklee

Casual Dorian

Jenny Pizza

Inquisitor Jammies

Izumida

if I have enough time and money

Nicolas Brown

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I was really hungry so I actually cooked today, which like never really happens. Anyways thankfully we had pasta noodles (ziti), but we only had like half a jar of spaghetti sauce :T

I ended up sauteing left over bell pepper and onions with a little salt and pepper, and then i used a can of diced tomatoes to make more of my own pasta sauce. Added a bit of milk so that it wasn't so thin, and then added it to the rest o the spaghetti sauce.

I also oven baked two beer brats and then cut them up and put them in the pasta. Got a little creative today, and you know what this shit is the bomb!

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That Lean On music video made me really uncomfortable tbh. like the entire time, the girl singing isnt even try to do the dance properly, just like awkwardly pelvic thrusting....and its just weird. The dancers are just this background prop and just the whole thing was fuckin weird, and a little distasteful to me. 

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Almost like a fairytale

Emma and I went to Schulers yesterday, and walking around in the fantasy and sci-fi section I mentioned that I'd been looking for books with more ethnic protagonists. I commented that it was difficult finding good ones and I had to scour for almost 2 hours, that seemed to upset her somewhat. I said it was whatever, I found a few good ones I plan on reading, but she said that it's still ridiculous. Emma constantly amazes me. Sometimes I catch myself thinking things I want to say, but still fear doing because people without fail always come with the "well if white people did that"or my friend of Asian descent once said, "I think people are being too sensitive about this mike brown case and calling police brutality racism. Yes people are still racist but, getting mad and making a fuss about it is counter productive." This irks me and I can't help but think wow, your freedoms you experience did not fall from the sky, they came from the blood sweat and tears of those who wanted better. Riding off the coattails off of the oppressed who actually took a stand and said enough is enough. But Emma, she is so culturally so socially accepting and sensitive. She's an opinionated and loud person about her thoughts. She seems to sees the racism and sexism, the homophobia and transphobia, the...hate that hides underneath a mask stretched too thin, too tight. She sees the monstrous thing beneath the mask and she can't decide what is more horrifying, the creature beneath or the grotesque facade above it about to crack with every insensitive and mean little remark. Even when we were little she had a knack for seeing something off about people, and as if in a fairytale world with their beautiful masks to hide themselves, it was like not knowing who was the villain in disguise. And with times passage it's a frightening revelation that these people who at times felt off or so strange, we're not actually fairytale monsters they were REAL creatures of poison and hate, and there were more than originally assumed. They were the ones that no matter how much time passed their masks never fell off, they only continued to strain and stretch against the tightness of hatred. I am thankful then that I have her along with the rest of our party then, because this fairytale world has become more of a nightmare, the land slowly being poisoned to become twisted and dark. But there are comfort in numbers.

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Have you ever wondered if someone had a crush on you? Well I have as well, except I’m 9001% sure that no one has ever had a crush on me. I don’t think I come off as the type of person you see and just think, ‘mmm she can get it’.

I honestly wish that if people had ever had a crush on me, that they would’ve told me or something because I spent a lot of my younger days believing that I was undesirable and disgusting. Remembering how much I hated myself and my own skin in a 95% caucasian school filled with size 0-10 makes me feel gross all over again. Thinking about no matter what I did I learned to never be truthful about my feelings because no matter how many times I “fell” for someone, it was always a let down in the end. 

I think I grew thorns in middle school because I learned you couldn’t trust people. After 7th grade I went 5 years without ever saying anything to a crush, and then stupidly in college I confessed once more thinking, hey maybe this time...I’ll be brave. 

He was kind enough about the rejection, and I couldn’t hold anything against him, i mean hey he didn’t like me. Never the less it didn’t stop me from staying in my room to cry. Thats the funny thing about depression, you never know when it is upon you. I think for some its a slow build, like mold setting end to destroy the foundation...or a cold that seeps deep into your flesh and bones.

Its thoughts like that, that make me wish someone had just told me. Back when i didn’t know how to validate my own existence, my own beauty, my own strength. I wish someone had just been kind enough to let me know that I was okay, and that it was okay I existed, though every standard around made me feel so horribly wrong. 

I wish sometimes, that i could go back to give that girl a hug, because she so desperately needed one.