Feb 23, 2015
yeah, I can't program like... at all. WTF have I been thinking applying to tech companies? Watered-down coding like MATLAB doesn't cut it in the "real world".
seen from Russia
seen from Malaysia
seen from Israel
seen from Türkiye
seen from Algeria
seen from United States
seen from Argentina
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from New Zealand
seen from United Kingdom
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from Hungary
seen from Russia
seen from United States
seen from Portugal
seen from South Africa
yeah, I can't program like... at all. WTF have I been thinking applying to tech companies? Watered-down coding like MATLAB doesn't cut it in the "real world".
I will make a draft of a proper C++ class today I will I will I will I can I will (I probably can't. I had forgotten the extent to which I am just not able to absorb principles of object-oriented programming.)
That whole trip thing has tricked my brain into switching into vacation mode, which is just not going to end well...
Here it goes - my first real interview day... (I'm kind of afraid that they'll see the paper application - which doesn't contain any new info - and be like "LOLZ we misread your GPA get the hell out of here")
I can't do things. I stayed at home last night so I could start getting interview related stuff ready(ish) and left for school from there when my dad was going to work early this morning (before 6:30), and somehow I managed to forget my phone AND my student ID (which is also a room key). My laptop charger is in my room, so I can't access it, which makes my laptop useless since my battery is completely drained. It's hard enough to coordinate with my roommate as it is, and so I don't even feel like bothering to try without a phone.
I feel really shitty about yet again running into a situation where I "have" to drop a class because I missed work early on and was too scared to continue. Realistically, it was too many classes to have along with thesis. The main reason why I wanted an extra class is that now I HAVE to get through all the remaining classes in order to graduate. There is no buffer. No room for sudden meltdowns which I have a lot. No future semesters to make it up in. And although there's no real reason why I shouldn't be able to manage everything, the extra pressure of it being *absolutely necessary* to manage everything increases my anxiety which could lead to self-fulfilling disaster scenarios. So I'm upset about having (implicitly) dropped the class, to the extent that I couldn't motivate myself to go to the other class I have right now lololol. It's a gigantic lecture class on topics that should be really really really familiar to me, and it's annoyingly far from anything else on campus, but getting into the habit of not going to class never bodes well for me. It doesn't matter how easy the class is. If I don't go I forget about it and it isn't on my radar at all and this is exactly how my disaster scenario will come to fruition.
Can I finish this (already late) writing assignment that I had forgotten about without calling my mom and having her cajole me into calmness? Right now my money is on no... So I guess I'm dropping the class, which is okay in principle since this is one more than I need, but then I don't have a buffer :(
My incredibly sweet combinatorics professor from last semester took the trouble to email me suggesting that I apply to the women in mathematics program at the IAS and even offering to write me a recommendation... and though it breaks my heart, I think I have to say no. I really don't have the credentials (I'm not even a shitty math major - I'm a shitty physics major) and as such I think I would feel too terrified and out of place to really enjoy and take advantage of it :(
Honestly, I do want to give ADHD medications another try, even though I had a weird reaction to Adderall. I'm not sure whether it's because I think they will help in a legitimate way or because I just want to feel like I can actually get stuff done and read things and finish projects... to be honest a little part of me hopes they would help me lose weight. Even now, when my mood is honestly fine, I can stare at a page for ages and not read it or stare at an outline for hours and hours and not be able to write a sentence. I'm so fed up of just... being myself. I guess this is why my parents don't like the idea and won't give me the go-ahead. They're probably right.