i’m just so fucking shook.
like it’s almost unimaginable how miserable i was even just a year ago, but literally, during that time, the only thing pushing me forward was the small possibility that i might move away for uni. i had to convince my parents just to consider the idea that i move away to study art (which was like a 3 year effort and my dad still really doesn’t seem onboard). and like,,,,the fact that i put together a portfolio and LIKE ACTUALLY GOT ACCEPTED?!?!? it’s so wild to me that nothing feels real.
I was in toronto two weeks ago and found my apartment. i was in toronto YESTERDAY and had orientation and met a few really cool people and fell in love with my program all over again....like not to sound cheesy but, things get better.
truly the smallest steps are the steps that have kept me going: bussing downtown during the coldest canadian winter nights to go to life drawing sessions meant that i had to stop giving a fuck and putting energy in things that were draining me (like how i was putting my entire being into band, while the benefits weren’t worth it).
And more importantly, i fucking worked on myself. i went to therapy, got on meds. talked to my guidance counsellor. i knew no one was going to do shit for me so i called my doctor, i got on a waitlist just so i could consult a social worker who might refer me to a psychologist and psychiatrist. i bussed every week for 2 hours to get to appointments. I missed a shit ton of class but stayed on top of things and graduated with an A average. Meanwhile i worked part time (15-21 hours/week), was apart of leadership programs, two bands, co-organized a senior art exhibition all while working on my portfolios!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bruh, imma toot my own horn bc if i don’t then literally no one will tell me i’m doing well! i’m gonna let myself be proud of myself and be happy. I know i have a long ass way to go, and that im gonna be so fucking stressed and anxious come september, but this year has been proof that it’s manageable, i can do it.
idk man, nothing feels real and im moving out saturday and im getting really emotional.
