I was in the shower drinking this beer that I THOUGHT was a good luck beer bc I found it unopened in the street and water got in my phones speakers and I had to suck the water out of the speakers and I felt like I was sucking the snake venom out of a persons snake bite
ms let us know at 10pm God’s Time last that he couldn’t do OB so I’m heroically stepping in. Now that we’re a podcast blog typing feels like a horrible strain on my mind and body but I’ll persevere anyhow. My revenge will be linking to the most horrible information imaginable: Preseason NFL Box Scores.
Packers 31 - Titans 17: I watched this nearly in its entirely because I don’t value my remaining time alive in the slightest. Your fantasy sleeper of 2018 is Green Bay receiver Jake Kumerow who shares a bloodline with the Bosa brothers and has the approval of Aaron Rodgers. And then like me you can call him BOOMerow after catches until your friends and family break off all contact with you.
Panthers 28 - Bills 23: You’ll never believe this but Josh Allen didn’t complete 50% of his passes. I blame the Browns and Bills mostly for CFB writers thinking all NFL teams are stupid because they get suckered in by big-armed mopes like this guy.
Bengals 30 - Bears 27: How in the good hell has Mitchell Trubisky already earned “Just gonna play one series” status. MITCHELL!
Also I’ve just learned Matt Barkley now plays for the Bengals but is still terrible.
Buccaneers 26 - Dolphins 24: Saw R. Griffin went 20-26 for Tampa and was immediately confused thinking I’d just heard RGIII was in Baltimore looking roided up but this is some dude named Ryan Griffin. The most jarring thing about getting old and seeing a natural erosion in sports fanaticism is the vast number of quarterbacks pop up in these games that I’ve never heard of. In my glory days of true CFB degeneracy I’d have found my way to Tulane game or two when he was out there slingin’.
Browns 20 - Giants 10: BROWNS WIN BROWNS WIN BROWNS WIN! Saquon Barkley had 39 yards on his first carry and 4 on his next 3 in a perfect preview of the rest of his career.
Steelers 31 - Eagles 14: As the champions of Pennsylvania the Steelers were awarded the right of first refusal to impregnate Amish women in Lancaster.
Saints 24 - Jaguars 20: Blake Bortles went 6/9 remaining the nicest quarterback in the league. According to this old friend of Columbus Ohio JT Barrett saw some action attempting zero passes, taking one sack for 3 yards and rushing twice for a lose of two more. Maybe he can follow Art Briles to the Italian League.
Washington 17 - Patriots 26: The light of the sun will have long since been extinguished as the rock that was once our vibrant planet sits in absolute zero cold and Colt McCoy will somehow still be getting August snaps in what was once the nation’s capital.
Rams 7 - Ravens 33: Inspiring to see the entire Los Angeles squad join Aaron Donald in not participating in Rams activities.
Texans 17 - Chiefs 10: Brandon Weeden (who Spencer once believed would make it to Canton if memory serves), Joe Webb, Chad Henne and Matt McGloin each threw multiple passes in this game. The box score says this affair took place in Kansas City Missouri but this curse was played in Hell.
Colts 19 - Seahawks 10: This game isn’t over yet but Andrew Luck played football without his arm falling off so the Colts have already hung another banner at the Oil Drum.
Cowboys 21 - 49ers 10: This game’s not ever yet either but you don’t care. Also of note, of course the Cowboys have a quarterback named Cooper Rush.
