⤷ shse ; when i die, don’t look for me in the stars (you will find me in the sea)
what happens when suho dies and sieun is asked to spread his ashes at sea, only to see the ghost of suho at the start of blue hour? will sieun give up his entire life and more to stay with him, or will they use this as a chance to say one final goodbye?
in short, a shse au where suho doesn’t make it out of the hospital, and sieun is asked to lay his best friend/first love to rest.
word count: 4.6k
♡︎ content warnings/tags: weak hero spoilers, major character death, angst, hurt no comfort, emotional damage, mention of self die at the end if you squint, the producers wouldn't write a confession scene so i did lol
♡︎ author's notes and other related things/content tags: this is my first shot at true angst! shse nation hear me when i say that this hurt me just as bad to write it as it might for you to read it.... if it doesn't hurt at all then that's alright too lolllllllllllll....... any comments/reblogs/etc are extremely motivating and it means a lot to me that ppl read this :3
feel free to drop questions in my askbox!
fic starts below the cut ♡︎
when sieun received the call that suho hadn’t made it, the whole world came crashing down around him.
he was seated in the common area outside of eunjang high, and jumped up when his phone lit up with a call from suho's grandmother. he was waiting for any kind of update on suho, so hearing his name had excited him. he stood up and started pacing, but once he heard why he was getting the call, he froze in his tracks.
“sieun?” baku saw sieun’s demeanor change and his features were now colored in worry.
sieun said nothing. he turned to his little group of friends: baku, juntae, gotak.
he didn’t know what else to do, so he ran.
he took up running when suho began teaching him how to defend himself against yeongbin and his goon squad, suddenly not minding it when it was with suho. when suho fell into his coma, he continued on as a way to not only keep in shape but to remember and connect with suho in a way that didn’t involve sitting in the hall outside his hospital room and staring at the wall. running, and the burn in his lungs coupled with the pain searing through his legs as he pushed himself further than he was sure he could handle reminded him that suho was alive, alive, alive-
the hospital doors forced a stop in his path, the bright red "emergency" sign blaring a mocking red into his eyes. he didn't notice the others had followed him until gotak's voice, hoarse between pants, broke through the ringing in his ears:
"sieun, are you okay?"
sieun’s sight blurred with tears and he took off again, his feet taking him to the room he knew all too well – only to find it empty. suddenly, the weight on his legs was too heavy, and his legs crumbled beneath him, tears pouring onto the cold tile as the sobs racked through his body, more painful than the flames in his lungs. he didn’t feel the hands on his back from the other boys with him, tears of their own falling silently as they watch their friend – who was normally cold and closed off – process the immediate grief of the loss of his best friend.
what the others didn’t know, however, was that suho was more than just a friend to sieun.
after months of getting to know suho and learning about his life outside of sleeping in class, sieun had began falling for the other boy. he began doing little things for suho. instead of opening the blinds in the morning when he came into class at his old school, he would leave them closed and study in the dull morning light to let suho get more rest after working into the late hours of the night before. instead of simply walking to the cafeteria to get lunch without a second thought, he would stop by suho’s desk and wake him up to make sure he ate.
when beomseok tried to call suho away from his birthday party, sieun went in his place. when he skipped school for a couple of days from his arm being broken, suho had come to check on him.
“see you tomorrow,” was the last thing that suho ever said to him.
that realization made sieun sob even louder, his cries now a resounding echo down the ends of the hallway. he had no idea that this would happen. at this point, the pain in his chest was far past the burning in his lungs. this was deeper than a physical feeling. this was two years of hope, torn from him in the form of an empty room and a silent EKG machine.
he doesn’t know how long he sat there for. all he remembers is three sets of strong arms pulling him off the floor and guiding him to the bench nearby, helping him settle into the hard chair that he was used to sitting in for the days and weeks and months before. juntae and gotak sat on either side of him, supporting his weight while baku crouches in front of him, staring up in shock at this new version of sieun that none of them had seen before.
there was an unspoken understanding between the other three boys that they wouldn’t say anything to try and comfort sieun. they had no idea what to say to begin with, so silence was what they decided upon.
there’s no telling how long sieun and his friends sat there, the only thing these boys knew is that there was no way life would ever be the same.
–
days later, sieun now sits next to suho’s grandmother at the funeral hall. she asked sieun to be the chief mourner for suho. while it was a difficult decision to make, sieun agreed in the end. he couldn’t turn down the opportunity to help suho’s grandmother after what had happened because of him.
months ago, juntae told him that suho’s coma wasn’t his fault, and he believed him and found comfort in the fact that the weight of the guilt was not his to bear. now that suho was gone, though, that same feeling came flooding back like a tidal wave, and there was no escaping it no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that it wasn’t his fault.
once the funeral proceedings were over, sieun had the chance to speak with suho's grandmother again when she called him. she asked him to meet at her and suho’s shared home, small and modest. it was nothing and everything he’d expected all at the same time.
they sit at the small table in the living room facing each other, eating seaweed soup in silence when suho’s grandmother clears her throat.
“sieun, i have a favor to ask you.”
sieun looks up from his bowl to gaze at the elderly woman, grief written all over her already tired features.
“what is it, halmeoni?” he responds hesitantly.
"suho really..." her eyes pull away from sieun's, nervous to continue, "suho really liked the beach… he always asked me when we would be able to go back, and would always whine at me when i told him that it would be a while before we could go.” she chuckled softly as tears welled in her eyes at the fond memory of suho stamping his feet with a pout on his face, whining loudly each time she told him no.
“what he didn’t know was that i was saving small bits of money here and there to go back out as his graduation gift. it was supposed to be a surprise.” she bit her lip to keep from crying, tears already spilling down her face before she finished her thought. “then all of this happened, and he…” her voice trailed off as quiet sobs left her.
sieun sat and waited in silence, his own tears falling hot and angry and painful down his own face. he reached across the table and grasped her hands in his own, squeezing them to try and comfort her as best he could.
a few seconds later, she lifted her head again and looked at him with her tear-glossed eyes.
“sieun, i would like for you to take him to the beach one last time, and lay him to rest.”
he froze for a moment, in shock at the question. he began shaking his head as he spoke.
“halmeoni, i couldn’t. not-”
suho’s grandmother holds her hand up and cuts him off before he can finish his thought. she shakes her head before speaking.
“i can’t go, sieun. i have to take care of everything here, and i can’t make it to the beach. my knees and back can’t handle a bus ride that long. i know you were his friend, and i know how often you went to the hospital and sat outside his room,” she pulls her hands out of his to hold his in hers.
“i know how important he was to you. how important he is to you. please, sieun. please do this for me.”
he looks at her for a long moment. he closes his eyes and he thinks about how this may help him in the long run. he can’t logic his way out of this one. he knows this. he’s tried so many times over the last week, and not a single time has it worked or made him feel better. this may actually help him swallow the knot in his throat for good.
he opens his eyes to look at the elderly woman and nods. she flashes a soft, solemn smile in response.
“thank you, sieun.”
—
now sieun sits in the car with his father, silence surrounding the two of them like an uncomfortable blanket. it’s a contrast of what is going on in sieun’s mind, all the memories of suho and him replaying in his brain like a cruel loop to remind him that the only thing left of suho was the memories.
he bites back tears as he clutches the backpack on his lap that holds the urn which is holding his dear friend’s remains.
once they make it to the bus station, his dad looks at him with a knowing expression. it makes sieun’s skin crawl. his dad has never really cared much about sieun’s feelings, so the fact that he’s trying now just feels… wrong. he opens his mouth to speak but before he can get a word out, sieun has popped the door open and said his goodbyes. he grabs his other small bag from the floorboard and slings it over his shoulder, slamming the passenger door shut and stalking away.
on the bus ride to busan, sieun thinks. he thinks about all of the possibilities of what could have been with suho and beomseok. he thinks about yeongyi, who he hasn’t heard from since shortly after the accident. he wonders how she’s doing and where she is. he wonders about beomseok, and how he’s doing in the philippines, and if he’s doing well. he wonders if beomseok has heard about suho being gone, and how he’s doing if he does know.
despite being the catalyst, he still hopes beomseok is okay.
before sieun even realizes, the bus is arriving in busan. the sun is high in the sky, and it’s hot. the heat doesn’t stop him from zipping up his hoodie that still smells like suho, and pulling the hood over his head.
—
once he makes it to his small hotel room (courtesy of suho’s grandmother), he steps inside and looks around. he nearly folds into himself at the silence filling the space – silence that would otherwise be filled with suho’s animated laughter and yelling – and walks over to the sink to stare at himself in the mirror. the cold light coming from above him highlights the bags under his eyes and the dryness of his lips. he looks and feels exhausted.
he turns on the cold water and splashes it on his face a couple of times before looking back into the mirror. he’ll try to take a nap and then go to the beach to do what he was sent here to do. with a resolute nod he walks away from the sink and sits on the bed, pulling his phone out and sending a quick text to let halmeoni and his dad know that he’s arrived at the hotel.
after setting an alarm for 6:45pm, he stretches out on the bed and tosses his phone to the side. he looks up at the ceiling for a few moments before rolling over and looking out of the window at the sky. suho is somewhere out there. he’s at peace now, he thinks to himself.
eventually, he falls asleep.
—
when sieun wakes up, it’s from the alarm going off on his phone. he turns off the annoying noise and rubs his eyes with the back of his hands. he sits up and looks around for a moment, re-familiarizing himself with his surroundings. for a blissful second, he forgets why he’s here to begin with. that is, until he catches a glimpse of the bag that holds the reason.
he sighs deeply and stands from his spot on the bed, walking over to his other bag to grab his clothes and soap to shower. he packed something a little more formal for the occasion — a white linen button down shirt and a pair of light wash jeans. it’s definitely not something he would normally wear, but considering the circumstance, he figured he would try to put himself together a bit.
he turns on the shower and gets in after undressing, standing under the water that was almost too hot to handle. he lazily washes his body and hair, and then stands there for a little longer in an attempt to mentally prepare himself for the task at hand.
once he’s finished, he steps out of the shower and puts on his boxers and pants before walking out to stand in front of the mirror. he looks over himself once again. he’s lost weight. it’s more hollow where there once was a cherubic look to his cheeks. the bags under his eyes have only gotten worse, the dark circles showing a stark contrast to his pale skin everywhere else.
he runs a hand through his hair, ruffling it a bit before reaching for his toothbrush and starting a routine of brushing his teeth and getting ready. he’s searching for some kind of normalcy in this situation, figuring that the humanity and autonomy of these habits would help him stay out of his head.
it doesn’t.
he shakes the thoughts from his head as he finishes getting ready. once he’s finished and has his shoes on, he puts on his trusty grey zip up and grabs his backpack on the way out of the door.
on the way to the beach, he stops by the convenience store and gets a yakult and gimbap to snack on once he gets there.
once he finally gets to the beach and steps into the sand, the familiar feeling of grief hits him like a punch to the gut. his eyes begin to brim with tears, and his hands tighten around the straps of his backpack. in an attempt to calm himself, he closes his eyes and looks up at the sky again, taking in the clarity of it. he squints at the brightness of the sun, which is slowly sinking below the horizon.
dusk was coming, which means it won’t be long before it’s dark. he knows he should get this over with so that he can go back to his room and try to go back to sleep.
once he makes it closer to the waterline, he sets his backpack down and sits next to it. he looks out at the vastness of the sea and wonders how suho would have felt to be here. he figures that the other boy would be playing in the water, his big golden retriever smile decorating his face as he splashes the water at sieun and halmeoni.
at this point, sieun has no more strength to fight the tears. he hadn’t allowed himself to cry since the day he found out suho was gone. the sobs coming slow at first, then crack through him like lightning. the pain in his chest comes back tenfold, reminding him yet again that suho was really gone. the hole left in his heart is unmistakably and undeniably suho-shaped. sieun brings his knees up to his chest and rests his forehead on his arms as he finally allows himself to feel all the feelings that have been pent up since losing suho.
the beach is basically empty by now, the sun finally dropping below the horizon, and the moonlight taking place of the late-afternoon light. a beautiful blue light now surrounds him in it’s place.
breaking through the sound of waves crashing into the beach, a familiar voice – a voice sieun had almost forgotten – calls to him.
“sieun-ah.”
his head snaps up and he sniffles as he searches for the source of the voice. it’s significantly darker, so it’s hard to see the figure coming from the water at first. once sieun does another once-over of his surroundings, his eyes land on that figure. he squints.
“okay, wow, i know it’s been a while, but you don’t have to scowl at me,” the familiar voice jests.
once he comes into clearer view, sieun feels like his heart stops. can it be…
ahn suho.
sieun scrambles back on his hands, kicking up sand and digging the heels of his hands into the sand to get further away–
“hey, why are you running away?” suho questions.
sieun shakes his head, not yet able to speak. to say he was in shock would be an understatement. suho just keeps walking closer to sieun, and once he gets close enough, sieun realizes several things at once:
suho looks… like suho. his hair was a bit longer, and he looks different, but he’s awake. sieun claps a sand-covered hand over his mouth when this clicks with him, and more tears fall down his cheeks.
suho finally reaches the smaller boy, crouching down and looking closely at sieun. he asks a different question this time.
“sieun-ah. how have you been?” suho asks, his voice tender and just as kind as sieun remembered it.
sieun reaches out a hand to touch suho, and flinches when his hand actually makes contact with the person in front of him. it doesn’t feel warm like a normal person would, but it isn’t cold, like the last time sieun had felt when he said his final goodbye to suho.
“h-how… are you here?” sieun stutters out.
suho offers a grin, familiar as ever, and it brings sieun back to the days when they used to sit in the cafeteria quietly eating. sieun used to steal glances at suho, the other boy stuffing his face with rice and soup on cold winter days…
sieun snaps back into reality when he feels suho’s hand on his own face, his eyes finding suho’s which were now also tearful. sieun finally sits up to sit correctly, suho following suit and sitting next to him.
sieun looks down at his backpack where suho’s remains are, then looks out to the sea. they sit in silence for a moment, unsure of what to say, so many things coming to mind.
suho is the first to break the silence again, clearing his throat.
“i know why you’re here,” he mutters.
sieun looks over to suho, meeting his gaze and seeing softer eyes than he’s used to from him. his lips tighten into a thin line and he nods slowly. he hums in acknowledgement and drops his gaze to suho’s hand, his own itching to reach over and touch it. suho notices this and reaches over to grab hold of his hand. sieun’s eyes meet suho’s again, and he smiles softly yet again.
“halmeoni sent me to give you to the sea. she told me how badly you wanted to go to the beach before…” sieun’s voice trails off, still unable to speak the words out loud. “she asked me to do this, so that you could be with the sea like you always wanted to be.”
suho nods knowingly, and gestures to the backpack in sieun’s lap. “well…” he starts. “let’s see it.”
sieun pulls the bag closer to him, unzipping the large compartment that holds suho’s urn inside. he pulls the ceramic container out and places it gingerly in his lap, pushing the bag that once held it to the side. suho puts his hand on the top of the container, his breath stuttering as he begins to cry quietly.
sieun looks over to suho, moving his own hand to lay over suho’s, the size difference pulling something else in his chest. a large part of him wishes things didn’t have to end like this. as if suho was reading his mind, he speaks.
“this wasn’t supposed to end like this. i was supposed to come back to you. i was supposed to beat beomseok and wooyoung.” he turns his hand over and grasps sieun’s. “i was supposed to come back to you,” he reiterates, sorrow lacing his voice.
sieun nods in response, all words lost on him. he uses his other hand to reach for the back of suho’s head, pulling him closer and resting his forehead on suho’s.
“i know.” he nods. “i know.”
once again, the tears fall from his eyes, and he finds himself wanting to say all the things he couldn’t when suho was alive. all the feelings, all the heartache, all the thoughts.
he doesn’t know how to, so they sit in silence for another moment.
eventually, they pull away from each other, sniffling and wiping their noses.
sieun finally bravens up and says the one thing that has been sitting on his mind since the incident:
“i love you, suho.”
suho meets his gaze and his lip trembles as relief washes over him.
“i thought you’d never say it,” he whispers. “sieun, i think i’ve had feelings for you from the moment we first started being friends. since that day, when i had to stop you from beating yeongbin to death… i’ve known that i’ve felt something for you.” he scoffs, almost wistfully before continuing. “this is… not an ideal situation to be saying this, but you deserve to know.”
sieun purses his lips, knowing what suho meant, and he nods again.
“you’re right, but…” he looks down at where their hands lay on his lap. “if not for this, we would have never known.”
suho hums and brings one of his hands to sieun’s cheeks.
“you’ve lost weight, sieun-ah.”
somehow the acknowledgement felt like a punch to the gut. sieun only hummed again in response, nodding more. he knew that he had lost weight but the fact that suho pointed it out had an unexpected and painful bite to it.
“sieun-ah…” suho starts.
sieun looks up through his wet lashes and makes eye contact with suho again. suho sighs, and sieun knows what this means. he begins shaking his head, as if that will slow the time down and make suho stay. the knot in his throat begins to grow again, and suho gives him a knowing look before he speaks again.
“it’s time,” suho chokes out.
sieun shakes his head more fervently, trying to deny, deny, deny. he can’t handle saying goodbye again. the inevitable is coming faster than he wants it to, and he doesn’t think that this opportunity will come again, so he–
as if suho was reading his mind again, he pulls sieun’s face to his own, lips meeting the other’s. sieun weeps into suho’s lips, breaking the kiss for a second to take a breath before meeting his lips again– this time more fervently. he snakes his arms around the back of suho’s neck, pulling suho closer.
if this is the first and last time sieun gets to do this, he’s going to make sure he can remember it for as long as he can. the kiss never gets deeper than a slight exploration of each others’ mouths, and they don’t spend long like this before suho is the one who pulls back.
“sieun…” suho begins.
“no, suho, i can’t. i can’t say goodbye again.” he shakes head again. “i can’t-”
suho cuts sieun off with his own broken voice, the strong facade that he normally tries to hold up falling apart at the sight of sieun breaking in front of him. “i can’t stay. i’m on borrowed time already. i have to go.” he grabs sieun’s face and forces him to look into his eyes, sieun sobbing loudly in front of him.
“suho, i can’t-”
“sieun… you have to say goodbye.”
another sob cracks through the other boy. he wraps his arms around suho, pulling him close again and burying his face in suho’s chest.
suho looks down at the top of sieun’s head, at the boy who was his first love, and feels a sob escape him, the last of the strength to fight tears leaving once he finally accepts the meaning of this: goodbye. he knew when he was given this opportunity that this would be the most challenging part.
he puts his hands on sieun’s shoulders and pries the boy from his chest, looking at him resolutely despite the tears staining his cheeks. he takes a sharp breath before speaking.
“come back here when you need to escape, “ he begins. sieun tries to burrow himself back into suho’s chest, but suho doesn’t let him. he holds fast to sieun’s shoulders, making sure that he’s listening. “if the world feels too heavy, and you want to find me, i’ll be here.” he moves his hands to sieun’s cheeks and continues on. “you’ll never have to look for me in the stars. you’ll always find me in the sea.”
sieun nods, acknowledging what suho is saying. he sobs again, quieter this time.
“okay, hyung.” he says. the honorific rolls off his tongue, and he remembers all the times suho tried to get him to call him that. it brings a small smile to suho’s face upon hearing it, and sieun flashes a sad smile back.
finally, suho brings himself to stand, patting the sand from the back of his pants. he pulls sieun up, and for the last time, he pulls sieun for a soft kiss. he pulls sieun in by the waist with one hand while the other hand finds purchase in the hair on the back of his head. after what feels like years, suho pulls away.
“it’s time,” he says.
sieun finally takes a deep breath, making eye contact with suho for the nth time. he nods, finally accepting what was about to happen.
suho looks deep into sieun’s eyes and remembers the way that his eyes tell everything that sieun refuses to say out loud. right now they’re begging him not to leave. in all the ways that suho can see, sieun is begging him not to leave. suho wants more than anything to stay, but he knows that he can’t.
suho backs away to pick up the urn, cradling it gingerly in his arms.
“i’m gonna take this with me, okay?” he asks.
sieun agrees silently and rests his head on suhos’s shoulder for a second, noting how despite being a slightly weaker version of suho, there was still a certain strength to his frame. he backs away and does a once over of suho, taking in the way that the moonlight highlights his cheekbones, and reflects in his eyes. he could hold the galaxy in his eyes, sieun thinks to himself. he always has.
suho takes sieun’s hand and squeezes, sieun responding in kind.
“i’ll find you in every lifetime, sieun-ah.”
sieun nods and replies, “i will always find you in the sea, hyung.”
suho begins to walk back towards the water, sieun not letting go of his hand until he is too physically far to hang on anymore. alternatively, sieun waves at suho as the tide begins to envelop him and the surrounding waves consume him. as the last of suho’s body is wrapped in the cool embrace of busan’s summer sea, a gentle light – unmistakably different from what the moon was casting – shines, and a specific warmth that he was missing wraps itself around him.
he fights the urge to follow suho into the water, instead falling to his knees and weeping again. he thought all his tears were gone, but when he was once again presented with saying goodbye, they fell freely once again and he sat in the sand for hours, finally allowing himself to truly mourn the could-haves.
~
this goes out to my niece for encouraging me to write something based off the prompt i found.... everyone say thank you ri'anna....
like i said, if you guys like what you see, please leave comments and whatnot !! it's sooooooo nice to see that people are enjoying something that i have put so much time into creating....
thanks again for reading, it means so much to me <3
