#shut up caesar

[nonbinary-porthos]

veering wildly between wanting to die my hair black and wanting to die it a separate ugly color on each half

[nonbinary-porthos]

ok real talk like Caesar is a dope ass interwebz handle but like

i dont feel like thats my name??? and i havent found a ‘male’ name that clicks with me?

[cephalopodvictorious]

Had a helluva nightmare last night, and woke up SUPER disoriented and unsure if any of that was real

It wasn’t 🙏 and fortunately my husband hadn’t left for work, so he helped me sort out what was happening, and I got a hug and a kiss, which helped, so now I’m just like. shaken and bewildered

[cephalopodvictorious]

I made my husband laugh so hard he cried because last night I went into a spinach based frenzy where I was convinced I'd lost a half pound of spinach somewhere in my apartment and spent an hour and a half pacing around looking for it, snarling at the half of the salad I'd already made for our packed lunches and trying not to wake him

I literally snuck in and checked the bedroom with a flashlight. I went through my purse to find the receipt to make sure that I had actually bought spinach and not imagined it. I almost cried I was so frustrated, which is how I knew I was actually very tired and needed to go to bed, so I texted him that I had lost a half pound of spinach and only packed us each salad toppings and no salad, so either he could find it before work by some miracle, or we'd both have to buy lunch, but either way I didn't want him to be blindsided, and then I crawled into bed and passed out immediately

I woke up to a text informing me that it was on the counter behind the dish rack, and the rest of my salad packed in the fridge

you guys. he thought I'd come back to bed and when he woke up at 3am he saw my insane person text and was SO CONFUSED because he was with me when I was unpacking groceries after running to the store yesterday and knew exactly where I'd left it and couldn't figure out 1) how I'd lost it, and 2) why the fuck I was making salads at 1am, and he made me explain it to him and he was in tears

[cephalopodvictorious]

I laid things out factually for my new therapist, because I just assumed like “oh she read my case notes, it’s chill” and she said “wow ok, stop and think about all of that together” and I was like “oh. HMM. perhaps it’s not so chill”

[cephalopodvictorious]

the really frustrating thing about braces and bandages is that they work, and then you’re like “oh if I feel better I didn’t need all that” and then you take it off and yes you did, fucking idiot, put your fucking knee brace back on

[cephalopodvictorious]

my coworker complimented me on being a good teacher and she highlighted that if she doesn’t get something, I’ll find another way to explain it, and it kinda breaks my heart a little because the thing about teaching is that that’s how you’re supposed to do it

it reminds me a little of that kestrel dad who dropped a whole mouse on his babies. like yeah, here’s knowledge, it’s good for you, but if i’m not presenting it in a way that you can digest, I’ve failed the job. I can bring you a WORLD of knowledge, but I’ve failed to make it accessible

a good teacher knows that a failure to communicate is the teacher’s fault. you gotta go back to start and try again, figure out where the disconnect and smooth it out. and no, you’re not going to be able to do it successfully every time and in every situation, but you’ve got to try

I feel like so much of what sucked about school was that people were constantly dropping whole mice on us and going “here it is, eat it”, when we were in no way actually prepared to do so, and then getting mad at us for being sad little baby birds who need help to figure it all out. but teaching us was literally their job

[cephalopodvictorious]

therapy has been quite helpful actually, because my boss told me in a very serious voice that we needed to have a talk with him and the other partner, and yes, my first thought was “oh fuck I’m gunna get fired and be homeless and the sky is falling”, but also I was able to pull myself out of that spiral and realize that no, that’s not at all realistic to the situation, and I don’t feel great about it, but I’m ok

also I was able to hold my shit together long enough to find out that I’m getting a raise and a small promotion, and that’s why we’re having brunch meeting tomorrow, and I didn’t have one panic attack!