A head so full it feels empty
I'm supposed to be in bed. Instead I'm up, writing this stupid, whiny blog post about my stupid, whiny real life problems, but I can't very well go whining about them to my friends- They've already dealt with enough of my nonsense and I owe them a reprieve from my drama.
Its hard to sleep when you're laying in bed, all curled up snug in your blankets and the briefest image of someone you once cared so much about drifts through your dazed thoughts and you're jolted awake as if touched by some specter. You're reminded of their charming voice, their carefree laughter and the warmth and honesty of their presence. Then you're reminded of the main as you're forced to break a promise.
You can't be there for them. They won't let you. They've ejected you from their lives and you're left with hushed remarks and scornful glances and whatever's left of what you once had is sitting in a pile of smoldering embers.
So you do anything you can to fight off what's coming next. The sadness. But no, you can't let yourself cry. Not again. Not anymore. They do not deserve any more of your pained tears or lonely wandering thoughts. So you remind yourself of how they scorned you and you grow angry. You sit up, glaring at nothing in particular hoping it will crawl back into whatever holw from whence it came.
You can feel the tears nipping at the corners of your eyes and you rub them away. They have no place here.
But there's more to it. Not only have you been scorned, but you're also fending off the lasting void of loneliness as your world starts to circle the drain. Everything that's made you happy until now does little to lift your spirits, and you think maybe.. just maybe you can find something.. or someone to fill that hole with.
That someone exists. The thought of her makes me smile. I'm moved by her creativity and her effortless imagination. I'm enamored with her finesse and grace. I'm inspired by her mere presence.
These thoughts alone are enough to keep the tears and anger at bay(most of the time), and maybe they can heal these fresh wounds and I can get some damn sleep.
