so i was watching hell’s paradise & i realized that these two are lowkey lira and illumi in a parallel universe, holy shit. like… the way senta loves and admires yuzuriha bc of her sense of freedom & admires her vivacious and carefree ways & the fact that she doesn’t lie to herself, takes no shame in her bloody, deception riddled career, and openly admits her selfishness. all while he’s doing the exact fucking opposite and forcing himself into a mold he doesn’t really fit in order to meet clan/family obligations?? ahhhh. it’s foreign, but also fascinating and admirable to him, his hands are just as soaked in blood as hers (well, kinda) but while the two women can manage to keep their smiles and their senses of selves despite the gruesome horrors they’re faced with, the men are cowardly at first glance and hidden behind layers and layers of masks (senta), or detached and disassociated from his emotions, but brutally efficient (illumi), both slowly but surely forgetting what it feels like to be human, let alone themselves, and they’re reminding the two men how to essentially live with themselves. not in an, “i can fix him!!” way, but LITERALLY by being their unfiltered and playful selves (even though these badass ladies both have real darkness underneath, but that’s besides the point) around them, and influencing them by literal proximity, essentially. but anyway, like— senta literally loves and admires yuzuriha to the point of envy due to her being everything he’s always needed to be??
my version of illumi and senta aren’t similar in the least, on the outside that is, but as i said, both have constantly lied to themselves, denied their true natures, and forced themselves into positions that are unnatural. senta had to become an executioner, while illumi quite literally had to gaslight himself into being a perfect assassin, the perfect son, etc. and convince himself that he had zero desires for his entire life, until that was quickly proven wrong in like, chapter 2. lol. my illumi has a sense of humor, genuine emotion, thoughts of his own, and a fucking attitude problem— but, it’s all covered up by a perfect mask of stoicism, the initial, almost reflexive spurning and avoidance of anything which might distract himself from that stoicism, and truly ignite his personal desires, as well as blind devotion to his duties. he split himself open and hollowed himself out long ago, but! he never, ever perfected the process, let alone completed it (i mean seriously, just look at all the zoldyck children, like?? NONE of them are ‘perfect,’ assassins by their OWN standards)— and frankly? i don’t think he wants to (in my story, at least). like— this man felt a whisper of connection/care with an equal/someone on his level that was (somewhat, given lira’s personality) genuine ONE TIME, and proceeded to absolutely FOLD, because he realizes that he is human (actually, the one who truly believes themselves to be an, ‘other,’ ‘subhuman,’ or, ‘inhuman,’ is actually lira, lmaooo narcissism go brrrr), that he does have needs and desires, and ultimately, illumi understands this, but he also knows he will immediately, instinctually reject any potential growth between them if he allows himself to dwell on these feelings, and he doesn’t want that. he wants them to stay just as they are and he is terrified to fuck it up— or, well, as terrified as illumi zoldyck could be, lol. instead, he ignores his feelings, or at least, keeps these thoughts buried deep within himself, constantly calling his relationship with lira a, “business relationship,” “partnership,” or, “companionship,” as opposed to what it actually is (while there is physical attraction there, illumi wants her and her abilities, and lira longs for a family, or just a place to call home— but they’re also acutely aware of this within eachother and they’re okay with it, as a relationship this twisted is genuinely the healthiest option for the two of them). however, despite them fully using each other, there is real connection and love there. illumi has already stated he admires how lira seems to have held on to a semblance of warmth, or something else intangible that he can’t quite put his finger on, despite her career, and yes, he is jealous of her, though he isn’t really aware of it. i believe that my version of him is surprisingly emotionally aware, but he still can’t quite understand that jealousy is the emotion he’s feeling— if that makes sense. especially since it’s not a poisonous, toxic jealousy, but more of, “omg i wish i was you so bad, you’re everything i’ve ever wanted to be, so i’m gonna do the next best thing and stalk u forever because i’m disgustingly obsessed with your entire existence and it’s better to bask in your light even if it makes me uncomfortable, than to ever be without you, bc that’s so much worse, and also have i mentioned that i literally want to cut you open and live inside your skin and become you yet? bc i do,” type shit. idk. i’m just rambling rn. idk if this even makes sense. go read sic infit on ao3 if this shit sounds fun to u. it’s linked in my pinned post.
